A 20 year old guy transported to Ponyville throught his computer. Scout has to find a way to fit in, live on his own, and learn to speak up a little.
Chapters (4)
booscus
Joined 23rd Mar, 2012 ·
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real good story.
i.imgur.com/5SjTF.png
Great story so far! ill be waiting for more!
sounds like a good story
Lets see how this story goes
You've got something here, but if the way the human gets into Equestria doesn't make sense, then that removes a lot of possibility for conflict development. If this happens to be explainable somehow, I'm interested to see what comes of it. In regards to the formatting, space out your dialogue sessions and other events to avoid wall-o-textness, and watch your punctuation and capitalization, which could use some work here. If you can introduce a plot device that makes the story intriguing like I failed to do until chapter five of my fic, you could make a nice story here.
380182 Thank you very much for the suggestions. by spacing out, can you be a little more specific please. and im not sure what you mean by conflict development. and once again thanks.
380864 The human's method of entering Equestria can be part of the main conflict of the story. (If you want a poor example, read my fic.) By spacing out, I mean little things like putting lines between paragraphs, indenting your paragraphs, little things.
Good! I like it.
385233 thanks!
means a lot
Good story but, you have some mistakes and you need to expand your vocabulary more. Try to refrain from saying "I this" and "I that" all the time
Again, good but would be better without all the 'I this' and 'I that' that slows the pace of the scenario's down. Half of the I's used are unneeded btw.
Also, the scenario's seem a little too unrealistic. The characters are jumping into things or letting things slip without giving them too much thought, as if they don't care how it could lead to something bad. For example: The part where Scout invites Scootaloo to live with him could have fit better simply by scoots asking "are you sure?" somewhere in her questions for living with him.
I'm not saying your story's bad but, it could become so much more with better detail.
Keep at it!
462913
I appreciate the tips a lot. i'm actually writing another story and i think that this will help out.
-Booscus Out