• Member Since 24th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 11th, 2022

-Singleton-


Recovering former brony. Came for the ponies, stayed for the community.

T

For a long time, a lonely soul has wandered the void, lusting for knowledge, craving something more than just a simple existence. He wants information. Data. Facts. He wants to know as much as he can, about anything he can. And he will stop at nothing to acquire it ... But when a strange new land is presented to him, prior to his foray into Runeterra, what will he discover about this place, and by extension, himself? Preliminary testing, has begun. Prep the subjects, for Vel'Koz has arrived.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 9 )

awww shiet vel koz fic here i go!

WWWHHHOOO THE VOID, HIP HIP THE VOID HIP HIP THE VOID, YEEEEEHHHAAAA!!!!

Huh. Very well done - Even to someone who has little knowledge of the backstory for League like me, I can still get a really good grasp of exactly who Vel'Koz is, both in terms of literally and personality. You didn't use any words that don't make sense to a non-League fan, or at make sense in a different way. For example, "champion" - The name of someone summoned to play in a league game. It seems like any title here if you haven't played League, and a good one at that. The little bit about testing makes the Summoner's League sound like a combat guild, which is close enough for the story. In short, you described the background of both LoL-related characters without delving too much into the story of League itself, which is nice.

It would be nice if there was more contrast between Twilight's narration and that of Vel'Koz, or at least some separator between their text other than two line breaks instead of one. I think Vel'Koz's narration would be far more utilitarian, not using extra descriptive words. He'd speak in short sentences, each containing as much information as possible, while utilizing an extensive vocabulary borne from millennia of study. I'd imagine him as archaic, though not ancient. He would not use older forms of words when newer ones suffice, and would seek to compress all sentences to their minima.

The use of centering as an emphasis seems odd, but that's probably because it's more typical to use things like bold and italics. It's entirely your choice, but it may be better to use a recognized way to emphasize instead of another.

I like how you have Vel'Koz using a raw, primal form of magic. It's a nice touch. I also like how you have Vel'Koz describe magic in scientific(ish) terms.

Again, there were syntax errors, but fewer, and, again, if you want me to make a Google Doc with them corrected, I will.

I'm eager for updates and, if you want, I could preread this for you.

Who's this Mackenzi girl, is she a yordle or a human, or something else?

Again, I find it odd that you would center the last line, but that's not important.

I like how Mackenzie gets straight down to business - no yelling taunts, no jeering, just straight-up shoot the bastard. The way that Vel'Koz feels no pain is slightly terrifying - I've been in my share of fights and, if you don't want to kill the other guy, your only option is to make him hurt enough to stop fighting. If the other guy feels no pain and you do, it's terrifying.

The fight scene in all was well-done, and Mackenzie's ingenuity in taking down the building to stop Vel'Koz is a nice touch. It shows that she thinks outside the box, something I think will be very useful in the coming days.

Fluttershy's "corruption" is a nice - well, not twist, because it was pretty clearly forewarned. The way that Mackenzie didn't finish off Fluttershy, though, is somewhat odd - it jars with the professional attitude you wrote earlier.

Throughout the chapter, I notices a few things:
+ There are never spaces between words and the commas after them. It looks odd, and - unless you wanna be avant-garde and stylistically indicate something with it - is flat-out incorrect.
+ You have a few random commas here and there. I'd like to point out where, but there's a bunch and I didn't mark them as I read. I really don't wanna go through the story again, just looking for mistakes.
+ While not technically incorrect, conventions dictate that you don't put spaces between words and ellipses following them, at least AFAIK.

I loved the contrast between Vel'Koz's voice and the generic narration. Vel'Koz rarely allows personality to come into his objective fact-recording, and it almost sounds oppressively neutral. The normal narration also tends to be neutral, but feels organic at the same time. I think that I'm just used to more emotion in first-person narration, while third-person is generally factual anyway.

I also liked that Vel'Koz is completely unsympathetic. He does not give two shits that he's killing living beings like him, and only cares for gathering data and performing experiments. The attitude reminds me of a certain artificial intelligence in the Aperture Science laboratories. Vel'Koz's only concern is procuring and storing data on everything he can. However, this suggests that he would bring every possible tool to record as much data as possible, possibly building a map of his area and the local geography. One also thinks that he would spend the time to experiment on the plants around him.

All in all, good chapter with a bunch of syntax errors. Three :moustache::moustache::moustache: out of five.

Hi there!

The gang and I have been trawling through the site for pointers on our on Vel'koz fic : You Seek Knowledge? and we've noticed a couple things. Not good or bad, but interesting, rather.

In this story, you've given Vel'koz a fill on personality with hopes, dreams, wants etc... Something that never crossed any of our minds when writing such a character. When we wrote him, we pictured him as somewhat, empty. As in there is nothing he's ever wanted or dreamed about other than the collection of knowledge, through any means possible. The way you've portrayed him as a wanderer, is quite fascinating.

Keep it up though, you're doing a marvelous job!

~Charlene Embermane

4189319 it's like fighting Zach from the World War Z book.

4161081 Human; IIRC shes a wannabe chanpion for the League.

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