A Sly Toll Tot
Note: The following chapter is a continuation of Lithl's Fblthp is Totally Lost, which is itself a continuation of the canon Magic: the Gathering short story Fblthp, which, in turn, was inspired by the card Totally Lost. Reading the earlier stories in what I like to call the Fblthp Saga is strongly recommended, both so you can understand what's going on and because Fblthp is best homunculus.
Ral Zarek shook his head, trying to regather his bearings. He hadn't expected to take a passenger with him when he escaped that self-righteous arrester on Ravnica. He certainly hadn't expected said passenger to force him into a nearby plane.
Still, the unexpected was where the Izzet League thrived. Already, Ral's mind filled with possible experiments. Was it only little Thblpt's small size relative to his own that had allowed it to hitch a ride, or could he take anything with him through the Blind Eternities? He'd have to get in touch with the Simic Combine, arrange some standard size gradation for test subjects. Oh, they'd grumble a little, and he'd have to keep his reasons sufficiently vague, but surely the potential knowledge would be enough to sway the more conservative research guild.
A sound like a balloon popping in reverse reminded Ral that he was not alone with his thoughts. His vision was now oddly distorted, as though looking out from the inside of a glass sphere. His surroundings finally registered, a quaint little domicile, the sort that the unguilded would fight tooth and nail to call their own.
A female voice, presumably that of the resident, grumbled behind him. "Of course this would happen here and now. It's my day off. I might as well have stuck a sign on the outside of the plane. 'Planeswalker shenanigans welcome. Inquire within.'"
Ral's thoughts raced. Bad news: He'd surprised a mage of not inconsiderable power, and she knew of planeswalkers. Good news: Her first impulse was to trap him, not kill him. Also, she used the word "shenanigans." No one with a vocabulary that whimsical could be all bad.
The speaker stepped into view. To say the least, she was not what Ral had been expecting. Nude for one, though the coat of hair made that point debatable. The lazy eye hadn't been in his mental image either, nor had the wings.
Oh, and she was a small horse. A pegasus, technically, but wings or no, who expects a talking magical horse?
The talking magical horse scowled at her captive. "Judging by your accessories, you either work with or stole from the Izzet League, which means you might be reasonable, for a given definition of reason. As such, you have thirty seconds to explain why you planeswalked into my living room, starting now."
Ral smirked. He'd avoided one prison. Surely he could bust out of a second. A brief attempt revealed that he couldn't move anything from the neck down, but that was what mental commands were for. A moment's thought purged the capacitors of his elemental gauntlets. All he had to now was sit back and let the lightning tear through the bubble.
At least, so went the theory. In practice, nothing seemed to happen for a few seconds, until the electricity, having nowhere else to go, surged through Ral's body. He wasn't foolish enough to strap an unstable mana battery to his arm without some protective wards, but it still hurt worse than a Gnat Alley hangover.
His captor waited for the convulsions to die down before shaking her head. "You now have twenty seconds. Use them wisely."
Fblthp shook with terror. He had no idea where he was, what was going on, or why he was surrounded by horses. Yes, the horses seemed nice and one had poured him a cup of tea, but they were still impossibly colorful, and the tea pourer was doing so with magic focused through a bony protrusion on her forehead that looked menacingly sharp. Also, the hot liquid came distressingly close to him as it flowed into a teacup that came up to his waist.
The other, louder, even more brightly colored horse, a pegasus unlike any Fblthp had ever heard of, had gone off to fetch something called a "Fluttershy." The homunculus found it all too easy to imagine what manner of terrifying implement the dread "Fluttershy" could be, too afraid to focus on the purple horse's questions.
Nothing prepared him for the truth. The rainbow pegasus returned with another of its kind. Once again, the pictures Fblthp had seen failed to match the yellow and pink live specimen before him. He tried to hide behind the teacup. At least the purple horn-horse hadn't done anything hostile. Yet.
"So, yeah, we don't know what the heck this thing is, and we were hoping you would." Apparently Rainbow Horse was telling the newcomer about Fblthp.
"I see." Hoofbeats approached the cowering homunculus. "Um, hello?" A gentle voice graced Fblthp's ears, so unlike the brash impatience and overwhelming eagerness of the others. "What's your name?"
"Great," moaned Rainbow Horse. "Here we go again."
Fblthp was similarly resigned, but answered "Fluttershy's" question nonetheless.
"Hello, Fblthp." The homuculus turned to face the mare, still keeping the teacup between them. She... she had actually pronounced his name correctly. No one had ever done that. Ever. "It's very nice to meet you," the pegasus continued. "I'm Fluttershy."
Fblthp hesitantly asked a question. To two of the ponies, it sounded like a meaningless heap of spittle and consonants.
Fluttershy's smile grew in an amazingly unthreatening way. "Why, of course I can understand you. I've never heard an accent as exotic as yours before, but communicating with other creatures is part of my special talent."
Exotic. No one had ever called Fblthp exotic before. He slowly moved away from behind his ceramic cover, voicing another mushmouthed question.
"Well, I don't know," Fluttershy replied. "Where is your home?"
This was met with a hastier response that the other mares would've sworn was just one big raspberry.
"I see." Fluttershy looked to her friends. "Girls, I'm afraid we're going to need Ditzy Doo."
"Couldn't we use Pinkie?" asked Rainbow Dash.
Twilight shook her head. "Think of how afraid Drbpltz—"
"Fblthp," Fluttershy corrected.
The unicorn paused for a moment. "Think of how afraid our guest has been just meeting us. Do you really think it—"
"He."
"He will be able handle Pinkie?"
Dash nodded. "Good point. Let's go see Ditzy."
Fluttershy looked back at Fblthp. He was hiding behind the teacup again. Not very effectively, but she recognized the effort he was putting into making himself look as inconspicuous as possible. "It's okay, Fblthp. Ditzy Doo is one of the nicest ponies I know."
"You absolute buffoon!" cried Ditzy. "Of all of the thoughtless, impulsive, inane, idiotic actions I've ever... I have met goblins with better judgement than you!"
"Oh, it's not that bad," said Ral.
"Not that bad?" Ditzy echoed. "Not that bad!? You planeswalked in front of how many people?"
The guildmage reflected on this for a moment before hazarding a guess. "Thirty?"
"Explain to me how brazenly exiting the universe in front of more than two dozen witnesses is 'not that bad'!"
"Well, I had planned on returning as soon as possible, let them assume I'd just teleported to some secret laboratory somewhere." Ral looked pointedly about his prison. "Of course, the longer you hold me here, the less tenable that plan is going to be."
"And when word gets to Niv-Mizzet? When the dragon decides to look into the matter?"
"If. And a very shaky if at that." The scientist smirked. "The Firemind has far greater concerns than one guildmage's indiscretions. Especially now."
"UGH!" Ditzy stomped about the room, trying to burn off her rage before she did something she'd regret. "Of all the stubborn, short-sighted, boneheaded—"
"DITZY DOO!"
"Huh?" The pegasus turned to see an indignant Twilight Sparkle. "Oh, hi, Twilight. How did you get here?"
"Your door was unlocked," answered Rainbow Dash, walking in with Fluttershy.
Twilight sputtered with anger. "Of all the ponies, and of all the insensitive terms, I never thought you would—"
"Wait, what? Oh!" Ditzy chuckled. "No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. He's not even a unicorn!"
Ral quirked an eyebrow at this. "I should think that was obvious."
Dash tilted her head, examining the captive. "So, you hiding a pair of wings somewhere, or are you just delusional?"
"Wonderful place you have here, Miss Doo," drawled Ral. "Great hospitality, polite villagers, everything someone could ask for."
Twilight still glared at Ditzy. The pegasus felt her ears go back and bowed her head. "I really didn't mean 'bonehead' in the sense you thought I did, Twilight. He's, well, not from around here."
"And how."
Ditzy shed all signs of submissiveness. "Shut up, Zarek."
"Well, I guess I can't begrudge you if you didn't mean it as a tribalist slur." Twilight looked to the Izzet. "Though it's still... well, weird."
Ral sighed. "I'm beginning to feel like an exhibit at the zoo. Is this really necessary? And what's gotten purplecorn in a snit?"
Twilight scowled. "Purplecorn? Isn't that a bit hypocritical?"
"How so? Am I a purple unicorn?"
Confusion flickered across Twilight's face for a moment. With a thought, she called forth a full-body mirror in front of the prison. "See for yourself."
Ral observed the image before him with all the scrutiny he could muster. Sure enough, looking back at him was a purple unicorn. One with a spiky white mane, familiar technomagical apparatuses, and an utterly baffled expression. "This... this has to be a trick. This isn't my reflection. Unless it is, in which case this is the most wonderfully bizarre plane I've ever visited."
Ditzy savored a little schadenfreude before a thought struck her. "What brought you here, anyway?" she asked the other actual ponies.
Fluttershy, of all ponies, answered her. "Well, your guest isn't the only, um, out-of-towner we have." She flicked an ear. "It's okay, you can come out."
Fblthp poked his head out of Fluttershy's mane. He offered a small wave at the third pegasus and the unicorn who apparently was Ral Zarek. That made no sense whatsoever, but he was an Izzet. The homunculus has often heard it said that they were as crazy as the Cult of Rakdos; it was just that when the Izzet blew up entire city blocks, it was by accident. Usually. In any case, Fblthp was staying with Fluttershy, where it was safe. Kind of high up, but safe.
Ditzy came closer. "Who's that?"
Who, noted Fblthp. Not what, who.
"This is Fblthp. He's very, very lost."
Ditzy smirked. "And how."
"Hypocrite."
"Don't push me, science boy."
"Ditzy, please, he scares very easily." Fluttershy pouted.
"Sorry, Fluttershy. I take it you want me to send him home?"
"Could you?"
"Sure, it's actually really easy." Ditzy considered the trapped stallion. "I suppose I should send you back as well."
"Oh, I don't want you to trouble yourself."
"No, it's fine. I insist."
Dash rolled her eyes. "You two gonna flirt all day or what?"
"I... I am doing nothing of the sort!" Ral sputtered.
"Ugh." Ditzy shook her head. "Well, that's all the impetus I need to get started." Her eyes glowed blue and a soft breeze began to swirl around her. Faint, ribbon-like shapes drifted in the wind as it picked up speed. The air howled for a moment, and the wisps of magic collapsed onto the mare's forehooves, leaving flowing, glowing glyphs.
"A tactile ætheric dismissal effect?" asked Ral. "Interesting."
"That's what it is?" Twilight trotted next to Ditzy, closely examining the pegasus's hooves. "Fascinating. I've been meaning to look into magics that function on an extraplanar level, but this is the first time I've had the chance."
Ral beamed. "A scholar! Marvelous! Now why couldn't I have popped into your house?"
"Right, that's enough out of you two." Ditzy shoved a glowing hoof through the mini-universe and into the guildmage's snout. The latter vanished and the former collapsed.
Twilight pouted at this. "Hay! That was hardly necessary!"
"Twilight, imagine a dragon smart enough to make you look like a drooling idiot and vain enough to make pre-Luna Trixie seem like Fluttershy. And this is all in addition to being a dragon. That's who that guy works for."
Fluttershy gave an "eep!" and hid behind Rainbow Dash. Fblthp tried patting her head.
Ditzy turned her attention to the homunculus. "Now, I believe it's your turn... What's his name?"
"Don't ask," Dash sighed.
The grey mare shrugged and extended her hoof towards Fblthp. Time slowed to a crawl for the tiny creature. Once that leg touched him, he'd be back home. Back to his sweeping. Back to avoiding countless feet walking through the Forum of Azor. Back to involuntarily helping Arrester Parisha with her terrifying duties.
He ducked just before the hoof made contact.
Ditzy blinked. "Huh. Well, that's odd. It's not going to hurt, little friend."
Fblthp mumbled something into Fluttershy's ear. She unrolled herself from her dragon-inspired cowering, eyes down. "Um, Fblthp says he doesn't want to go back."
"Why not?" asked Twilight. "Doesn't he want to go home and be with his friends?"
Again Fluttershy translated the homunculus's response, "Well, he doesn't really have a lot of friends, and most of the ones he has ask him to do very frightening things. He much prefers it here, where it's peaceful and... there isn't much to sweep?" She looked at Fblthp as she said this last part, unsure if she heard him correctly. He nodded his confirmation.
Ditzy shrugged, allowing the symbols on her legs to fade. "If that's his choice, I'm okay with it."
That evening, Fluttershy opened the door to her cottage. "And this is your new home, Fblthp, where you'll be able to make lots and lots of friends." She knelt down, allowing the homunculus to ease his way to the floor. "Do you need anything right now?"
Fblthp shook his head. He'd been shown greater kindness today than the rest of his life put together! What more could he possibly need?
Something white flickered in his peripheral vision. He turned to behold a rabbit. At least that looked like its picture, though this one seemed much... angrier, somehow.
"Angel," Fluttershy cooed, "say hello to our new friend."
Angel? It looked nothing like the picture of angels Fblthp had once seen. Hopefully, it was just a name. Still, he waved cautiously, in case the rabbit-shaped creature was hiding a divine broadsword somewhere.
It offered a slow nod. Well met, child of another world. If your intentions are pure, you are welcome here. If not, I will destroy you without hesitation.
Fblthp turned back to Fluttershy, eye wide and terrified.
"Go on, don't be shy." The pegasus giggled at hearing herself say that.
Fblthp had always hated crowds, but at that moment, he was the shiest he'd ever been.
Ral Zarek had been fortunate. Exceedingly fortunate. As he'd predicted, Niv-Mizzet had heard nothing of the arrest attempt. The dragon was enraptured by his overarching metaproject that had the entire guild scrambling to answer his seemingly arbitrary inquiries. He hadn't even noticed Ral had left, much less returned.
That meant the planeswalker had a bit of free time on his hands, and he knew exactly how he wanted to spend it. He strode through the mirrored halls of Nivix with purpose, his eyes shining like arc lamps with curiosity.
Ral soon reached his destination, a room containing several variably successful Izzet inventions. He zeroed in on one misshapen heap of brass and mizzium that came up to his shoulders and was half again as wide. Judging by the sheer complexity of its inner workings, visible through a glass hemisphere, it was either an elaborate astrolabe or an even more elaborate hookah. Kneeling, he grasped a handle at the base with one gauntleted hand, feeding mana into the contraption.
Rings began to turn. Liquids began to flow. Pendulums began to swing. Soon, every piece within the glass globe was in motion. Smoke began to emanate from within, tossed and churned as it filled the space, obscuring the armatures and leaving only a hypnotic, milky haze.
Ral nodded in satisfaction. The Divinitory Transreliquat (also known as the Mechanicoracle or, among the goblins, the "What If?" Machine,) was warmed up and ready for a question. He spoke slowly and clearly into the acousticatcher.
Cosmic Isolation 2WU
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature or planeswalker
Enchanted permanent has shroud.
Enchanted permanent's activated abilities can't be activated. If enchanted permanent is a creature, it can't attack or block.
If you wish to imprison a planeswalker, you must first create a universe.
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Wait. Wouldn't giving a permanent shroud through an enchantment mean that the enchantment couldn't target it and would thus have to be destroyed?
2539550 No, shroud and hexproof only matter when something is trying to target that permanent. You can even attach auras to a permanent with shroud, using effects like the activated ability of Autumn-Tail, Kitsune Sage.
Now, protection works as you think. If a permanent gains protection from white because of a white aura, that protection will cause the enchantment to fall off as a state-based action. That's why cards like White Ward have that strange wording. (Enchanted creature has protection from white. This effect doesn't remove White Ward.)
2539772
Ah. That makes sense. Sort of.
God MtG rules are complex sometimes.
2539800 "God MtG rules are complex sometimes."
Truer words have never been spoken. The comprehensive rulebook is over 100,000 words now.
2539800
And they have been getting distinctly weirder and more complex ever since they started eliminating card types. Like the mass of confusion that replaced the Interrupt spell type.
Oh God.
Ral Zarek is a brony and has the ability to make a Ponies On Earth fic actually happen in Real Life.
Oh God.
Everyone duck and cover!!!!
2541091
To be fair, I think Interrupt is the only card type they ever flatout eliminated. Mono and Poly artifacts were merged, since it's a lot easier to understand them if they just use the tap symbol like every other card type. Where things got really weird was when they started printing things that interacted with creatures and things that were only creatures temporarily.
While the card type is still around, they seem to be in the process of dismantling the Instant too, given the number of Sorceries with explicit rule text that would turn them into the equivalent of an Instant.
And now that I think about it, I've occasionally seen them behave like Enchant World or Enchant Player too.
Added a link to this chapter from Fblthp is Totally Lost. I think "The Flbthp Saga" is becoming a reasonably accurate description!
2551495
Most of those sorceries are, IIRC, from older Portal/intro printings, where Instants were deemed to be too complicated. To cheat some in anyway they made sorceries that could be cast at instant speed. Now, creatures with flash are a whole 'nother story.
What if I want to m8ke an apple pie from scratch?
~Vriska Serket
Love the flavor text on Cosmic Isolation.
It still doesn't beat the text of Goblin Offensive. (They certainly are.)
What mini-universe?
Anyway, fun chapter. Looks like Fblthp eventually found his way back home to Ravnica, and wound up higher than he'd ever been off the ground.
9953294
The spell Ditzy used to trap Ral, as represented by the card of the chapter.