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Dear Princess Celestia,
This letter contains within news that will forever change the way of life in Equestria! I hope your body is ready for this, and that you’re sitting down because here it comes!
Humans are in Equestria.
The proof is locked in a twelve by twelve foot iron cage in my marefriend’s basement!
I want action immediately your Majesty, the ceremonies of congratulations and praise of my prowess can wait later. There is still one human left unaccounted for in Ponyville and he has somehow been able to disguise himself as a normal looking (if dashing) pony. This leads to the good question if there are MORE humans in Equestria? As such I advise you not repeat any of the contents of this letter to any otherpony. I suggest a well-placed ambush of calling all of your staff into one room then casting a Dispell Illusion spell to discover their presence.
Still, even further action much be undertaken therefore I advise you to nominate me as Ministry Mare of the new Human Affairs Ministry (H.A.M. for short) that you will no doubt create to deal with this new threat and opportunity for all of Equestria. I am putting forth my resume here and now, not only have I spent most of my adult life searching out hints of human influence in Equestria also, I have two humans locked up in my marefriend’s basement as I mentioned before.
I promise you your Highness that I will not sleep or eat until the missing human has been found and presented for you in a tastefully done containment unit in Canterlot. Until then I have deputized Twilight Sparkle under my new powers from H.A.M. and we will begin the search for the missing human immediately.
Your Faithful Subject, Director of Human Affairs Ministry, Ponyville Orchestra Lyrist, Temporary Captain of the Ponyville Pioneers Hoofball Team,
“Hea-rt string-gs” Spike finishes the letter with a flourish of his quill, handing it over to the aforementioned Lyra to inspect its contents.
“Perfect!” Lyra shouts handing it back to Spike “Now do your thing and get this straight to Princess Celestia. Oh I can’t imagine her response!”
“You know it could take some time before the Princess replies…” Twilight begins pulling Lyra to the side while watching as Spike begins to throw the letter out an open window. “She might even just not bother with a letter and send the Wonderbolts and half her Royal Guard to Ponyville! Why waste all that time waiting when we can. You know. Go out in the woods. Looking for hours and hours.”
“Hmmm you have a point Deputized Member of the H.A.M. Twilight Sparkle. You have a point. Alright, we go!” Lyra takes a step towards the door before suddenly turning around to face Spike who at the last moment stops himself from tossing the letter and brings it back forward with a sheepish grin “Buuut first I want to see Spike send the letter to Celestia. I’ve never seen him do that before.”
“Oh it awesome. Yeah, uuuh. Stand back! Here comes my totally awesome magical dragon breath!” Spike inhales deeply then lets out a blast of his green dragon fire toward Lyra and Twilight forcing them to duck away from the outburst of flames. With Lyra looking at the flames and not the letter he tosses it behind him and out the window before ending his torrent of fire. “Tadah! Sorry about that, I had some extra spicy rubies earlier.”
“Not a problem Spike!” Lyra replies even as she pinches out a spark of fire on her mane with her hooves. “Come Twilight! The hunt is afoot!”
“Ugh. Ahoof. Really Twilight, if you hope to have any future in H.A.M. you have to learn the work lingo.”
Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Break. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Break. Dig. Dig…
“Hahahaha. Oh, oh, oh this is too good to be true. Hahaha. The Great and Powerful Doctor is…is…a pretty little pony! Hahaha” Mickey bawls out from the floor of the cage, his entire body shaking with laughter as he slams a hand into the floor. The Doctor and Martha roll their eyes at Mickey. Ditzy Doo rolls her eyes at the Doctor and a corner of the basement but, her eye roll has the most ire reflected in it considering she has always been a pony.
“You know the Doctor’s friend. It was a ‘pretty little pony’ that trapped you beneath a candy shop in a cage in the dark. Only to be rescued by the Doctor.” Ditzy Doo comments making Mickey stop short in his laughing and look up at her.
“Hey, it wasn’t fair. She ambushed us and had a blow gun. She looked so cute and innocent.”
“Well in Equestria the cuter always means the crazier. We use my friend Pinkie Pie as that measuring stick around Ponyville.”
“That’s something to be said” Martha joins in “That we didn’t get knocked out and locked up by a pony named Pinkie Pie. Though I do have one question for you miss…?”
“Ditzy Doo at your service!” Ditzy replies with a smile holding out a hoof through the bars which Martha shakes with a similarly warm smile.
“Nice to meet you Ditzy, I’m Martha and this is my husband Mickey. I-“
“Wait a tick! Married? You two? I mean sure I was wondering why Mickey boy here wasn’t trapped in another dimension but, you and HIM?”
“Don’t you remember Doctor? With the whole planets dis-“
“Ah! Spoilers! I don’t want to hear any of that now!” the Doctor shouts, one hoof on his ears and the other planting against Mickey’s lips.
“Ugh! You walk on that! With all these horses I don’t want to imagine what you step in now! I’ll have you know that yes Martha is certainly the brains of this operation but, I’ll always be there for her through thick and thin.”
“Hence why I married the man.” Martha says as she pulls Mickey off the floor with a soft hug.
“Hmm, I thought as much. You lot definitely make a nice couple. I mean not a great couple but who does?”
“What were you asking Martha?” Ditzy asks giving a surprisingly straight eyed glare at the Doctor who seems to wilt with a sheepish grin as he goes back to fiddling with his sonic screwdriver while mumbling about how he still doesn’t have the entire ‘hooves thing’ down with changing settings.
“Oh, nothing really just a sudden thought I had. I was curious if…you knew if the Doctor prefers blonde companions?”
“OKAY THEN!” the Doctor interrupts firing his sonic screwdriver at the lock of the cage which after getting a face full of sonic clicks open. The Doctor then points a hoof at both current humans in the room “Enough questions about me, now its time for the timey wimey questions! How did you two get here? For starters.”
Martha and Mickey look to one another for a moment then turn toward the Doctor and say one word.
“Right. Should have known. He always had a weakness for cute couples. Were lucky that the mares here in Ponyville-“
“Seriously? PONYville?” Mickey interrupts.
“-are out of season so that means the much smaller population of stallions have much to worry. Jack might even go crazy when his ‘oh-so-lady-killer antics’ fall flat. On one hoof-“
“Stop that Mickey!”
”On the one hoof that means Ponyville is safe. On the other hoof he should be alright because, he is now a pony too. The most important thing to do now is to get you two to the TARDIS and-“
“Hold on, what do you mean Jack is a pony?”
“It’s simple really. He crossed the dimensional wall and I guess as soon as he stepped out of whatever moving vehicle that took you all here this world’s physics took over and corresponded with the TARDIS to make him into a pony.”
“How come Jack gets to be a pony and we don’t then?”
“Like I said it’s the TARDIS. Jack as Martha knows was infused with the artron energy of the time vortex from my TARDIS. I’ve had a much longer and intimate relationship with the TARDIS therefore I’m also covered in the energy. When I and most likely Jack came to this universe the TARDIS began sending out a signal that confirms beings from our universe to this universe’s physics. Otherwise the result wouldn’t be pleasant.”
“Doctor…how unpleasant is we talking about?”
“Ah well…Ditzy what happened that one time you and Pinkie Pie tried to make a muffin-cupcake?”
“Oh…” Ditzy replies a very worried look on her face as she looks over to Martha and Mickey her face gets even paler “It…exploded. Twice.”
Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Di-PAIN! Pain! Pain! Head! Pain! Pain! Head! Pain!
“So...I take it the guy to gal ratio in Ponyville is a tad skewed?” Captainjack couldn’t help but comment as his eyes were assaulted or tantalized by a rainbow’s worth of different ponies of all different colors. Not that he minded of course. He wasn’t sure where the pony influenced biology or the normal Jack Harkness biology ended with the wave upon wave of whisperings in the back of his mind as pickup lines rose to the surface of his lips only to be forced back down every time Fluttershy’s adorable gaze connected with his.
“Oh, um, well…maybe just a tiny bit. Ponyville used to be a pioneer town but, eventually more and more ponies just came for the nice weather and scenery.”
“Scenery? I can appreciate the scenery.” Captainjack grinned his eyes flittering between mare to stallion to stallion to mare to mare to mare to stallion to mare to mare to mare.
“Oh my yes. The flowerfields outside of town are just lovely.” Fluttershy smiled as she clopped her hooves together in excitement.
“Perhaps after I find my Doctor you can show me more around Ponyville? I bet those flowers are ever so soft to lay down in. Am I right?” Captainjack grins, a slight twinge in his eye as Fluttershy turns his way with a slight blush. ‘Hnnng. My heart is going to give out at this rate. I just…can’t…look…away’.
“Hello there Fluttershy, you are looking precious as always, darling. Greetings to you too good stallion. My, my. Fluttershy you seem to have caught quite the dashing fellow. I am Rarity, a pleasure to meet you Mr…?” Rarity’s smile was almost enough to give Captainjack’s a run for its bits. He fealt new wind in his sails.
“The pleasure is all mine, Madame Rarity.” Captainjack returned the grin. Nearby a pegasus was blinded by the reflecting light off their grins and smacked into a nearby carrot stand. The stand’s owner lamented to the Princesses as to why pegasi only crashed into her carrots. “My name is…Captainjack.”
“Oh a Captain? Fluttershy you absolutely have the most amazing fortune.”
“Oh Rarity. I wouldn’t say that, I mean, it was Angel Bunny that-“
“Ahaha. Don’t worry Fluttershy. Rarity or anyone doesn’t need to know about that.”
“Anyone?” Rarity quirked a brow. “You sound like that Doctor somepony that Twilight and Ditzy are always running around with all over the place.”
“A Doctor! Running! With at least one lady! That sounds like my pal alright. Do you know where he is?” Captainjack practically shouts his eyes wide with alarm and his body going as tight as a spring.
“My, rather eager to find your friend?” Rarity says with a quirk of her brow and a very knowing smile.
“Well…I do hate to get mushy in front of ladies…” Captainjack says with a smirk rubbing his chin with a hoof. “…but the Doctor has saved my life…more than once. I have to start repaying him sometime. Might as well start by saving his…flank.”
“He must be a very special friend then.” Fluttershy spoke softly.
“I do believe I saw the Doctor and Ditzy Doo head over to Bon Bon’s but…ah there is somepony who might know. Twilight! Lyra! A pony is looking for the Doctor have you seen him?” Rarity waves to someponies behind Captainjack the stallion going quite still at the mention of ‘Lyra’.
Maybe it wasn’t-
“HUMAN!” Lyra shouts her hooves going to her saddlebag but, Captainjack is already galloping away with both Fluttershy and Rarity in tow.
“The Doctor must be nearby with all this running!”
“Captain! I must say this is quite rude.”
“Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. The Master. Want. The Master. Get.” Fido growled out, the dirt and rock giving way collapsing a good portion of the tunnel beneath Ponyville. Barking laughter was echoed by his fellow Diamond Dogs as the blue and box shaped object dropped below ground level. Fido walked up to the blue box, patting a paw against it “Diamond Dogs will… rock.”