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58w, 5dFan/fic/ Theater 3000
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twilight woke up she looked to her right and saw rarity crying and shooting out blood from her hoof. twilight: rarity what happened to us? rarity: that dragon of your's did this. twilight: spike did this we have to stop him before some other pony gets hurt! rarity: but how do we get out of this hospital and if we do then we well die. twilight: leave that to me. she got up and all most fell to the grownd her she broke down the door with her magic. rarity got up and they walk out of the hospetal they ran to twilights and kicked down the door twilight: spike! they saw spike walk down from up stairs. spike throw a bat at them. they ducked and they were safe rarity: if we get claw of bit or any thing i think we well die. twilight's horn glowed and then a big bang sound. they were ok twilight did a healing spell. twilight picked up the bat and hit spike in the face he got up and tryed to claw rarity but she use her magic to grab spike and twilight hit him with thw bat spike:you little. spike was cut off when twilight hit him rarity smashed him in to the wall he left blood all over the wall. twilight: spike why did you do this to us? spike: shut up i well kill you and then eat you! twilight ran up to him and smashed him in to the floor. twilight: you dumb dragon i well kill. spike ran out the door and he jumped on to a house and got away. twilight: lets get some wapons and kill that dragon. they walked to a gun shop and got 2 shoot guns and 4 pistols. they were walking around ponyvill and heard a big dragon they look up ing the sky and saw spike and he was huge and he had wings. they shot him a few time it did nothing he shot a huge fire ball from his mouth and it hit the two ponys. THE END OF CHAPTER 3
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Sir, I must ask you this: What grade of education do you have? I don't mean to insult you, but I'm in all honesty doing so. You cannot write, do not try to write until you can write a paragraph without spelling mistakes, or your story won't look good at all. This looks like a heap of words that make little sense and have little formatting of any kind.
Well... This is certainly... unique, stylistically, I mean...
Oh Celestia, how did this pass the mods? Look, it would most definitely be in your best interests to read up on writing a bit more. Also, try to look around the fandom and test out other fics. Any type of practice and study will improve your writing greatly. Trust me. Writing is a wonderful hobby, but it's best practiced when it is very, very learned. I definitely speak from experience, and I would recommend for you to try looking elsewhere before publishing yourself.
Happy writing!
>>380120 OK... a couple problems.
1. There are so, so many problems with the sentences. No punctuation, no capitalization, and spelling errors EVERYWHERE.
2. The dialogue sounds worse than direct translation.
3. The chapters are way too short.
4. The formatting makes NO sense at all.
You need to know a lot more about writing before you write any fics.
Oh...
And you go in the comments and act like you've made no mistakes what-so-ever. Listen, if you aren't at the point where you can write a coherent chapter or description you shouldn't be posting your work online unless you want people to tear it to shreds. Practice writing some more and actually pay attention to critiques because they are friends, not enemies of a writer.
Your entire fic is incomprehensible. Take advice, learn from mistakes, and practice writing before you post in a public arena again.
Image: http://www.straferight.com/forums/attachments/shooters/19692d1320857459-mw3-pc-release-not-sure-if-trolling-just-stupid.jpg
lol yeah im a fellow righter too i mean mah friends sometimes dont like it and thay say: dude this is stupid but i still right caz its my pasiun i rly lik it im curentlee righting a new fic its caled epic battel
Ahem.
Sorry for being a douchebag, but seriously this is shit. Get a pre-reader by all means. I'm certain there's someone out there willing to edit this piece of balls and make it readable. Also, characters are fucking unrealistic as hell.
Please, please, please get a pre-reader, and then I will give this a thumbs up.
You have my word.
You can't even have adequate grammar on the bloody titles and description? 
And the description doesn't tell anything about the fic.
Get the fuck out. Go somewhere where standards are lower.
And pay attention in your English class....
Seriously... Just... No.
Do you know how much hard drive space you're wasting? I'm guessing around 3MB. That is way more space then you deserve.
Image: http://i.imgur.com/Qzfv5.jpg
Image: http://static.fjcdn.com/comments/Not+sure+if+trolling+_4661e3bca62855f90ca5d37d52e065bf.jpgAnd you get ANOTHER thumb down.
Seriously, blast off outta here and only return when you can write something that doesn't look written by a chimpanzee on coffee.
>>380213 If you're trolling. You are doing a bloody good job.
If not, you are in dying need of a grammar check, telling us to what's going on, and good detail to the setting. I'm not "hating", this is me being honest because if you'll dismiss what people say to you without any good way to back it up, you're being downright ignorant. Find someone to help you or just practice some more on paper, it will help you a lot.
Um.
Okay. Because of the shitstorm of hate you've incurred, I'm going to be as civil as possible.
This story most definitely needs work. First, the basics. Grammar and punctuation are key to a successful story. Don't forget to put dialogue in quotation marks, and give each line it's own paragraph. Be sure to run your story through a spellchecker before you post- I know editing sucks but it does pay off in the end!
This story is fairly short, so I would lump all the parts together into one chapter. That will also make editing a lot easier. Finally, don't give up. The only way to get better is through lots and lots of practice. Try to keep what i've said in mind, go back and give this story some more polish.
Good luck!
I'm sorry but the only thing keeping me from the next chapter is basically everything everyone else said. (bad grammar, punctuation, spelling etc.) So I won't be ranting that. First your chapter titles.
the start of hell
the deadly dragon
monster from hell
Capitalization please.
The Start of Hell
The Deadly Dragon
Monster from Hell
That's how it should look. To improve from your current state you'd have to read! Read like no tomorrow! I'd suggest Relentless by Dean Koontz great book!
If you're still in elementary or middle school I'd suggest taking online classes or getting extra help from your English teacher.
After reading all the comments, I tried reading the story itself, and tried to be optimistic and give it a chance.
I barely made it past the first sentence, the second was just too much. Just...read a book or something and note all of the grammar and next time you try to write, make sure you implement that
Mmmmmokay...
How old are you? If you're on the younger end of the scale (Elementary or Middle School) then I'd suggest you'd wait a few years before posting your writing on the internet. Unless you're some sort of prodigy, nothing good is really going to come from it at that age.
Edit: To clarify, I'm not saying you should quit writing. Definitely keep practicing because that's the only way you can get better! Just be a bit more careful about where you post your stuff.
Holy shit that was a hilarious story!!!
I was busting a gut the whole way through, fucking comedy gold my friend.
It went from twilight and rainbow dash fighting for no reason, to spike fighting twilight and rartiy, and then for some reason they had drugs and guns and bats and shit.
Thumbs up from me friend!
Image: http://i.imgur.com/juB9d.gifTrust me, she isn't. (I'll assume you're a girl Twinkie, just because Pinkie Pie is your avatar.) Middle school and high school are the times where your writing is going to improve immensely.
However, here's a few things for you to do just so you can get in the habit of it:
One, capitalize your i's when you're using the first first tense. I.E. I play, I jump, I am, etc.
Two, get in the habit of practicing grammar rules; trust me, it's going to help.
Three, study up on English mechanics whenever you can!
Four, text speak is a no no when you're writing a story. Unless you're writing a conversation that's going on in a text message session, you should never use text speak.
And the final thing is you should always read and write whenever you can; you can memorize grammar rules and vocabulary, but if you don't use it then it's all for nothing!
If that's the case, then do come back in a few years. I'm only a freshman in high school (14) and I have a lot to work on too. I tend to rush A LOT in my stories. For you, you just need to practice organization. Write down ideas in a book, if you don't know certain concepts in writing or grammar, you can ask your English teacher if it's correct or not. Don't feel bad about it all. Just come back later and prove to us your improvement! Believe me. I wish I had started reading when I was told to by my dad.
hey this is not a bad story at all, what I'm about to say is only advice. you should talk to your teacher for grammar lessions and that's really the only hint.... its not that you don't have the ability (everyone has the ability) its just that you need more experience on righting.. right more stories and ask some people for help.. if you do you will gain more experience and you'll be able to right more fluently....just keep writing don't worry what people have to say.. the story is pretty good though I'm able to tell what's going on just keep writing and before you know you'll be a decent if not good writer (by the way I'm not the best when it comes to writing either and I'm in 9th grade
so don't feel bad
Alright! That's how you do a comment! Helpful! Excellent work. He or she will improve over time and then we'll see a new writer come into the world!
Image: http://i674.photobucket.com/albums/vv102/cheesegirl33/GIF/GIF%20Doctor%20Who/FANTASTIC.gifFANTASTIC!
Ironically, cuz I have read Macbeth a few minutes ago. Now this. Shakespeare's probably rolling in his grave somewhere.
Another irony, even in those days, my writing has never improved, and the teacher said my essay sucked. Lots of people back in the day said I can't write to save my life. I get lots of laughter & mean looks from everyone. Real life true story. 
My only advice is to keep at it, and watch more movies. You'll get better. Someday.
when i made this fan fic i was hopeing it would make up for my last fan fic but then when i got some comments they were just rants and then came the dislikes and then i wanted to give up but then some really helpful comments came and then i learned if i just try my best i well make a good fanfic
Ha.
HA.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This fic made me laugh.
...At you.
If this story is truly your magnum opus, you have no hope of writing in the future. You clearly have no idea how to write people and cannot fully portray canon characters as seen on the show. You completely destroy the idea of what a good plot and conflict are. To you, things apparently just come and go without warning. You also apparently don't know how to speak in real life, let alone write dialogue. Your style is more than lacking -- it's incredibly lackluster and almost a threat to human nature. This is, by the way, ignoring your abysmal spelling and grammar conventions.
While I wouldn't say drop the pen forever, I would like you to reconsider exactly what you're doing. I suggest getting a prereader, especially one that can read unformatted walls of text. Alternatively, you could just, oh, I don't know, turn justification off and turn left alignment on?
I want the ten minutes I spent trying to decode this fic back.
Alright. Ahem. (Is totally trying my best not to be bias because Spike is evil in this story.)
Anyways... When it comes to writing your stories, put them in paragraphs, not just a big wall of text. Everpony would go like :
Image: http://images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3606-1331543377280.pngNow, three words : Capitalization and Grammar.
Now, for capitalization, this is a must. It makes it harder to stay in the right sentence, or else they would just end up confused, by accidentally skipping a line. For grammar, if you need help with it, you could ask your parents, ask your teacher, or hire a tutor, they would help you when it comes to grammar!
Also, ignore other people that dislike the fan fiction. Hate comments will be posted sometimes, but don't mistake posts that try and help you as hate!
Hope I helped a bit.
Image: http://images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw1900_small.png
Kid, i'm going to be blunt with you and tell you what some of the others have told you already: your writing needs alot of work because right now, this is really bad.
But don't be discouraged, when I was your age I wrote stories based on characters from my favorite TV shows as well and they where just as bad, however, I didn't post them online for the rest of the world to poke fun of and ridicule (this was back in 2001, a time before the net became wide spread). By the time I was 14, my writing had improved tremendously, and thats also when I started posting my fanfiction online, but even then my writing still needed alot of work. Heck I'm 22 and while my writing is *miles* better than my older stuff, I'll confess I still have room for improvement.
What i'm getting at is, no matter what age, when it comes to writing, its something that can always be improved upon and evolve over time. The best way to learn is to read alot of well written books/writing, pay attention in English class and to your English teacher, have people read your work and have them tell you what needs to be fixed. Don't be upset when people tell you what needs to be corrected, listening to constructive criticism is the best way to improve, I know it helped me out alot when I was younger.
Right now I'd suggest keep writing, but for now stop posting them on the internet, just concentrate on perfecting your work. You may have to rewrite your stories, and you may not like the idea, I know I hated the very thought when I was your age, but it really does help.
Hope this helps, and good luck kid !
Image: http://i.imgur.com/jKhVu.gif>>382278 Hmmmmmmm....... O! IDEEEEEEAH! 
Instead of just hate on these stories like I have done in the past...
Why don't I edit your stories to be met with... more positive responses, while still keeping the main plot intact?
I would like your permission before I do anything. 
>>423699 Oh, don't be like that. Here, have something cute:
Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0k8w2Rtbd1qdlh1io1_250.gif
Acting like that isn't going to get people on your side. One thing about fanfiction on a site like this - it's like being thrown to a pack of wolves at times. Over the internet we can't see your face, and sometimes don't think of you as a person but an avatar pic and a username, with some text sticking out the sides. Toughen up a bit and learn to ignore the hate. It's not going to go away unless you get a fuck of a lot better, which I encourage.
I hope you haven't given up on fanfiction writing. If you need someone to preread and help you out, then I offer my services. And yeah, some people on here are hating on you for your grammar, but throwing that back and acting like a child isn't going to make them stop. It's just making it worse.
I'm not famous or anything on this site or elsewhere on the 'net, but I've been writing fiction for ten years and I like to think I at least have some idea what I'm on about at this point. I've been going around finding people who are just plain new to the whole idea of writing, who get ripped in half and vomited on by the people who actually know what they're doing and what constitutes a good fanfiction. I think it's unfortunate, because it discourages you from ever wanting to try again. So here I am, offering to help you out in any way I can.
General advice: read a whole assload of other fiction out there, by a wide variety of authors. Take note of how they do things, and try to mimic them. Starting from your level of inexperience (and I mean that as a straight adjective, not a put-down) I'd actually recommend doing something horribly cliche yet easy to pull off with moderate success. You're probably going to get hate for it, but the trick is to push through all that because you've got your eyes on the prize, which in this case is success and genuine skill behind a keyboard. For now, though, your grammar, spelling, and other fundamental elements of storytelling aren't even remotely close to readable. I can't even get a sense for character/plot development because I literally have no idea what's going on in your story.
Work on it a bit, though. Just because you have a rocky start doesn't mean you're cursed forever.
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