Pinkie is caught in a huge fire at Sugarcube Corner. The doctors say she won't make it and that she only has a little while before she passes. How will her friends react? How would you react?
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Magicolt808
Joined 1st Feb, 2012 ·
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Gosh... Sounds good, but I dunno if I want to put myself through a sad story... *tearing up already*
Jesus Christ... Just... awesome. A manly tear for you:
And a moustache or two!
this story reminded me of my grandmas funeral....
MANLY TEARS ARE BEING SHED
you kill Pinkie, i dont like that but everything else was of my liking so Thumb up for you
Ps:
Well... It's good story, but... a little rushed maybe? That could be a material for a multi-chapter story.
It was a good story, though it would've been at least as good without the shipping crammed in. The romantic aspect felt rushed and out of place.
i'm in school right now... and i barly managed to keep from crying... my vision is blurred and i commend you for your litterary skills..........
CHALLENGE... ACCEPTED!!
Beautiful. Just Beautiful. Thank you for writing this for us to read.
once again,ive only read a few lines of it but it looks like a good fic,good enough to go on my list of readings
my only problem is its basicly just a wall of text,makes it really easy to lose your place :\
"How would I react", huh?
I'd go to Princess Celestia, ask for a tail feather from Philomena, and then tie the feather to a string and put it around Pinkie's neck and wait with her to die. As soon as she'd resurrect, I'd hand her a cupcake and tell her to be more careful next time as I might not get another feather to her fast enough. (Final Fantasy reference, for those that don't get it)
While this may come across as rather blunt, please take it as constructive criticism and nothing more.
While I find the notion of the story touching, I really found it out of character if not simply unrealistic when everypony was magically happy as their friend was coughing up blood leading to her death.
The story was well written in terms of spelling and grammar, although a few human words like 'everybody' slipped out. I don't usually point this out as I'm guilty of it myself at times, but it felt like a big wall of text and was hard to focus on the story in some areas. I found the timing to be a bit quick; it felt like the story was written in haste and that things moved a bit too unrealistically fast.
I'd suggest that in the future you take time to explain the emotions of each pony in detail; for instance, in between the time that they were denied access to see Pinkie from when the nurse came and got them, the soon-to-be mane five could have had a real touching moment as they awaited their friends fate.
Just my two cents.
I'll give it a thumbs up for making me sad until the end, though.
>see this story
>pinkie gets hurt in a fire
>shufflin' songs to find appropriate sad music as per habit
>We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel
>almost punch hole in laptop
I don't know why I torture myself with sadfics about Pinkie...
Sorry, but I have to say I didn't like it at all. The story is absolutely absurd, dialogues are pretty damn bad.
I didn't feel sad - I was just annoyed, reading this fic.
Let me just point out some bad things.
- the love plot is unnecessary, and was THE thing that put me off. It's honestly just a waste of space.
- you are saying nothing about emotions of each pony. If there's one thing that can make people sad, it's detailing the emotions and gestures of everypony.
- a pony in such a critical condition would have trouble moving a hand, let alone sitting up, even with help. Yet Pinkie doesn't seem to have any problems with speaking, breathing, and just sits up like it's not a big deal. And then randomly dies, while a death from burning very often takes whole days (from infection, most likely), and is one of the most painful deaths you can imagine. I know it's not a grimdark, but it doesn't justify the way you killed Pinkie.
- and actually, as much as love plot was bad, the 'Pinkie's dead? Let's parrrtay!' was even worse. I mean, really? Their friend just died and they are grinning like morons and planning a party?
I haven't read your other fics, but judging by this, you have a long way to go. Start out by questioning your own words, put yourself in your characters' position. You are just 16, it's a good start, so don't let criticism discourage you - embrace it and improve on it.
Let me direct you to the very best MLP drama ever written, that is Tears of a Goddess. You should be able to learn sooo much from it.
Don't cry because good times are gone, Laugh because they happened
I think that quote just fits
Very good magic! Your writing is getting stronger and I can feel the emotion you put into this piece. Great work!
MAGICOLT! NEver dissapoint! Best fiction you've written so far!
And
377757 Truth be told, I wrote this for you. You seemed depressed with all the deaths in your life, I felt like cheering you up. Thanks for liking it.
that is a terrible way to die
p.s. massive shrapnel can often be treated
375333
Sorry Magicolt808 I am going to have to agree with all the points he made.
It felt rushed.
The random shipping was literally random.
Although i understand the moral (Don't be sad, be happy [Or something along that line {you need to work on it}]) it was not really executed well.
I expected more tears than happy.
Her (again) random death was random and not really logical.
I could point out spots where you could have written better but i think the best idea is just for you to go read some other Sad fictions and try to learn how to put more emotion into your story.
But no matter what, Bravo and Encore.
This... has a good concept. But the whole thing is too accelerated. There's barely any setting before the accident, almost no time is spent covering how the other five friends do and how they interact with each other while Pinkie's out of their reach, and both her death scene and their reconciliation with it are much, much too short and sudden.
It's a good idea, and your writing doesn't have any big technical flaws- but there's just not enough story here for what you're trying to convey. It's not bad... but it's not good either. Good job trying, though- keep working at it and you can become a very good or even great writer, with this kind of a starting point.
431965 Just trust me when I say that I did not work on this 100%. This was just a story to cheer up my friend who is depressed most of the time because of deaths in his family.
I've gotten many messages where they don't like the story.
I agree with all of them.
I didn't expect 38 people to like it or even get past 100 views.
I just wrote it on a whim.
You should read my other stories where they are more well-written and I approve of them.
"Twilight gasped in astonishment"
This line sort of stuck with me only because it's misused. I understand what you meant, but when someone gasps in astonishment, it's because of something good, not tragic. Gasped in disbelief probably would be better.
I feel like this story is several plot lines mooshed into one. You could very easily focus on just the accident or Applejack/Pinkie's shipping, or even Twilight's personal take (though this aspect got the least amount of attention)
Some extra attention to this story probably would make it much higher quality, since I know you're capable of it
474218 Again, this story was just written to be written. No thought, no planning no anything. I wish I had done a better job and I am astounded by how many people actually liked it. In my mind, those who wrote that it wasn't good are the ones I agree with. Trust me, when some of the comments said it was beautiful my face was literally:
"It got all over her sheets and Applejacks mane." Applejack's (This is Patrick's brother, he told me to read this, really sad!
)
OMG so sad
Just had to cry 
Poor Pinkie 
Always smile