Warning: This is a Human in Equestria story, if that ain't your cup of tea then don't read this. Also contains a bit of swearing but not over the top swearing.
Lyle is teleported to Equestria during a weird storm and unfortunately had a bad run-in with none other than Twilight Sparkle. But Lyle and Twilight are forced to live with each other and they don't have to like it!
Will Lyle ever get home? Will the pair ever be friendly to each other? Maybe, just maybe...Ponies aren't so bad as Lyle may think...
Chapters (8)
The whole chapter reads rather stale like. And that #1 issue is cause by the gaping void where character feelings and emotions should go. Putting "Tyle was worried" doesn't cut it.
It would be better if what was typed up allowed the reader to make that connection themselves. A comment from Tyle about the storm being more rough than usual, then leading to casual thoughts about whether he should check to see if windows and such are secure. This draws up that this storm may be of worthy concern if our main protagonist is taking precautions, and conveys a much better message that "Tyle was worried" of the storm.
Changes like this need to be made throughout the whole chapter (Not to mention misspellings)
Also, try reading the chapters, when you finish, out loud. As if reading it to someone else. I've seen a good amount of others say this is surprisingly effective in finding mistakes.
And there's my two half cent coins.
I'm sorry, but this story is ridiculously rushed. Try moving through the story at a slower pace. 2 paragraphs as an intro is not enough. Also, I would suggest searching for a proofreader.
awesome chapters you are doing a amazing job
Poor lyle he got trolled hard lololol
applejack shames your troll.
Okay, I found a few things about this that made it a fairly decent story with a great premise.
First of all, this entire story just looks so... messy? That seems like a good word to use. If one reads this, it seems to be very clunky in terms of the writing style, and it just has so many errors that it becomes extremely difficult to read. I`m not trying to make you change anything huge, just trying to give some information that might be useful in the future.
Second, you don`t have a lot of variation in terms of speech description. The phrase "___ said" is used a bit much, but not as much as some other things I`ve read. If you were to check a thesaurus, it might be fairly helpful.
Third, the human in this story acts a bit more rashly than human nature would suggest. Most people wouldn`t just slam somebody into the wall without knowing jack about them, then do the same thing to somebody else that doesn`t even seem that threatening. Unless, Lyle is a bit different from most people, in that case, it seems alright.
Lastly, the transition between areas and focuses looks kind of blended together, like the entire chapter takes place in one locale. Adding a bit of what may look like tedium to you may fix that issue.
I don`t mean to look rude, or like I`m trying to change you as a writer, just giving some constructive criticism.
Also, I found something interesting.
Some people are into that kind of stuff.
very nice
The angst is too damn high.
That's all.
Twilight, stop being such a stupid bitch
wait, she's excited about probing?
characters are ooc. tried to be funny when the event was actually tragic. pacing is too fast
Nooo, please don't cancel it, it's so freaking funny!!!!!!
Come on continue the story pls