• Published 13th May 2014
  • 16,443 Views, 1,175 Comments

Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle - shortskirtsandexplosions



In the future, we'll colonize the solar system, cure cancer, clone the human genome, and build trans-dimensional hoodies that can summon tiny talking horses from an alternate universe. It's pretty snazzy.

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Pies

"Okay..." I wipe my brow, only to spread more dough and brown sugar across my forehead. Rolling my eyes, I slip my mittens on, grasp the pan from the kitchen counter, and slip the first of two freshly assembled pies into a thin chamber built into the apartment wall. "Now, I think about fifteen minutes should do the trick, right?"

"Er..."

I glance back at her. "Right, Applejack?"

The pony squirms uneasily on a tabletop, surrounded by a no-man's-land of scattered kitchen utensils, spilt flour, and eggshell fragments. Her tail flicks, unwittingly knocking measuring cups into a kitchen slicer. She winces, but nevertheless stares up at me, green eyes full of worry. "Ya reckon this thang is gonna do the trick?"

"Pffft. Applejack, this is a thermal expander," I say with a smirk. "It runs on fusion technology to cook things to absolute perfection." A giggle. "Where else should I put the pies? Inside the sonic dishwasher?"

Applejack brushes her golden bangs back. "I reckon a wood-burnin' stove would do the trick."

"Well, we've got something of a shortage of wood on Ganymede," I say, sliding the second pan in. "And trees for that matter."

"Yeah. I sorta figured that on my own, sugarcube."

"Can you see what I'm doing from over there?"

"Errr... yes and no." Applejack blinks. "I'd scoot closer to the edge, but I can't—on account of this... well..." She frowns, fidgeting awkwardly in a white apron ten sizes too big, draped around her neck. "Is this here a bib or a noose? I can't rightly tell."

"No sense in getting your coat soiled with all of these crazy ingredients."

"You know who yer talkin' to, right?" Applejack squints at me. "I roll through mud just to give the hogs their medicine every dag-blame'd Tuesday."

"I'll pretend to understand that and just maintain that there's no sense in getting you—or the hoodie—unnecessarily messy."

"Ungh..." Applejack rolls her eyes, fussing with the huge-huge apron. "Now yer startin' to sound like Rarity... again."

"Hehe... relax, Applejack. We're baking apple pies!" I grin at her. "God's hooks! That's a pretty snazzy thing, isn't it?"

"Hrmmmmmm..." Applejack sighs, crouching down low and giving the pie pans a forlorn glance. "I suppose..."

Clang! I slap the lid to the thermal expander shut. "I'm sorry that I don't have kitchenware like you have at home, but I promise you—this should do the trick!"

"Just how does a thermal expander work anyways?"

"All you need to know is that it'll cook the apple pies from the inside out!" I grin as I set the timer. "On the molecular level! Every single square planck will be commanded to turn this thing into toasty brown scrumptiousness!" I turn towards her, crossing my arms over my own apron. "That's how it's supposed to turn out, right? Brown?"

Applejack bit her lip. "For some reason, I look into the future, and all I see is red."

"Applejack..." I walk over and kneel at the table. Wiping my hand clean on a kitchen table, I proceed to run it through her blonde mane and behind her ears. "You're used to seeing our crazy technology all the time. Why does this have to be so different?"

"I dunno," she says, finally turning to look me in the face. "Guess I get really antsy when it comes to cookin'."

I smirk. "If I knew that you'd get so bent out of shape over kitchen stuff, I would have just asked for the directions and summoned you when I was done baking."

"Pffft! Buck that noise!" Applejack frowns, then sits up straight with a smirk. "I enjoy bein' here with ya for the whole shebang, sugarcube!"

"Hehehe! I know you do!"

"And it'll be plum worth it! You have my solid promise!" Applejack brings a hoof down. "You think y'all tasted delicious apples before! T'ain't nothin' til you've had it in a baked pie!"

"Trust me. I'm looking forward to it."

Applejack sighs, glancing towards the far end of the kitchen.

I rest a pair of fingers under her tiny, fuzzy chin. "What's wrong?"

"Nothin'. Sometimes... ehh..." She chuckles, smiling with a slight blush. "Awwww shucks. Forget I said anythang."

"No. Come on! Out with it!"

She looks up at me, emerald eyes glistening. "It's so dang easy for me to zip on over here, ya reckon? One tug of the hoodie and... Poof! Lickety split! I'm here all blink-like!"

"Yes... and?"

Applejack kneads her hooves through the dangling apron, avoiding my gaze. "Well... sometimes I... I-I just wish it could work the other way around."

I raise an eyebrow at that.

She clears her throat and glances up at me. "I mean bringin' y'all over to my side and all."

I feel my heart flutter. It's not that I've never contemplated that—or imagined it. I've just never done so while in the same room as her. I don't realize I'm chuckling until I feel the warmth receding from my cheeks.

"That's a really charming idea, Applejack," I say. "But, I really doubt the Professor has the resources or technology to build something large enough to do the same for humans."

"Awwwww..." Applejack pouts. "Ya reckon so?"

"I mean—I can't pretend to know every detail about how the article works, but it seems perfect that it summons tiny talking ponies from Equestria." I shrug. "As opposed to... er, I dunno... singing walruses from some fart dimension."

"Heh..." Applejack blows her bangs out from her forehead. "Doesn't quite have the same charm, does it?"

"Hah. Definitely not."

"But still, it sure would be swell!" She sits down on the edge of the table, legs dangling foalishly as she smiles up at me, full of mirth and freckles. "I can just imagine! You... walkin' up and down the orchards all proper-like! Shucks, I bet you could lift Big Macintosh with just one of yer arms! Whew-wee! Would that be a sight?"

I chuckle. "I'd just bang my head on the barn door."

"Pfft! I bet we could fit you inside the kitchen for a good ol' family brunch!" Applejack nevertheless quirms. "Erm... s-somehow."

"Face it." I smirk at her. "You'd just use me to get chores done faster."

"I... that... it... No!" Applejack frowns. Applejack winces. "M-maybe..."

"Heeheehee!" I ruffle her mane. "You're so predictable."

"Now quit it!" She pushes my wrist away with an orange hoof, gazing up at me with a smile. "For real. I'd have y'all meet my best buds! They'd be absolutely thrilled to meet you! Heck, I've told them so much as it is..."

"Oh really..."

"Pinkie would have to throw the biggest party in Ponyville's history, of course. Rainbow Dash would have loads of fun just flyin' around yer head. Twilight would wanna take measurements and record them in some crazy science book. Fluttershy might take some coaxin' to say hello, the lil' darlin', but she'd come around! And I just know Rarity would wanna fit you into somethin', seein' as how yer kind are so keen on bein' dressed all the time."

"Heh... I imagine so."

"It'd be a challenge for her, seein' as she's never done designed anythang for a biproduct before."

I clear my throat. "I believe the word you're looking for is 'biped.'"

"I know what I said!"

"Heeheehee!"

"Hrmmmph..." She folds her arms, nevertheless looking towards the far end of the apartment with a wishful expression. "Still, that would be really... really nice."

"If there's anything I've learned from life, Applejack, it's to be thankful for the good things that we have in front of us." I rest a hand on her shoulder, giving her a tiny, loving squeeze. "Even though I'll never get to meet your friends, I can sense how much each of them mean to you. I see it through how happy you are when you sit here before me, telling me about them."

She smiles, her freckles turning rosy. "Funny..."

"Hmm?"

"I always fancied Twilight as the one who'd represent the whole lot of us." She chuckled nervously, glancing aside. "I guess she can't be a princess ambassador everywhere."

"Nope. Guess not."

"And... shucks... who knows?" She looks up at me, resting a hoof on my wrist. "That picnic you keep yappin' on about...!"

"What about it?"

She shrugs. "Who's to say you won't be meetin' one of my friends then and there, ya reckon?"

"Heehee..." I nod with a smile. "We'll see, Applejack."

She smiles back at me. Then blinks, her muzzle wriggling.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Heck if I know..." She squints past me and towards the thermal expander. "Ya sure they ain't gonna be overdone?"

"Fifteen minutes," I remark. "Just like you said, right?"

Applejack clenches her teeth. "At... wh-what temperature?"

My brow furrows. "Well, the thermal expander can jump from zero to five hundred degrees celsisus in ten seconds. Why?"

Applejack's pupils shrink. "Awwwwwwwwww horseapples."

I hear a loud rattling sound behind me. I turn around. "Huh—?"

The lid to the device flies open, vomiting an explosion of smoke, embers, and a veritable lava flow of liquified dough.

"Whoah nelly!" Applejack yelps.

"Zoram damn it!" I cover her with my body and plunge the two of us behind the table as the tsunami hits.