- Member Since 14th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Mar 15th, 2014
Vine
Im new to the whole fanfic writing thing, so if my stories aren't the best, or if they have small grammar errors, please excuse it, I tried my best on them
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4084486 he was born an alicorn but due to an accident that will be explained later in the story, he is unable to use magic, and is now just a pegasus, its to prevent him from being OP, cuz no one likes an alicorn OC
So half of his horn was cut off? That must've been extraordinarily painful.
4084975 3 days of agonizing pain
why are so many people giving it a thumbs down? its my first fanfic
4084982
Probably because it's... Well...
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There really is no other way of putting it.
Being a new writer doesn't grant you a "get out of jail free" card. People aren't going to go easy on you if they find your story to be horribly and poorly written, which this was.
The pacing moves way too quickly, you need to slow down and take your time more.
The oc has little to no personality outside of being depressed and edgy. You wanna give your characters a bit more personality. Something that makes them believable and helps readers get invested in them. Reading this oc was like listening to a robot.
Your grammar is nothing to brag about either. I'm not going to go into full detail, because that's what editors are for, but I will say this; Rainbow Dash needs capital letters, something you forgot on numerous occasions throughout the fic.
The sex was just horrible. It only went for a paragraph and that's being generous since most of that paragraph was the word "fap". Also, if you're gonna write rape, continue writing rape. Don't have the victim suddenly start liking it. Also, have them dwell on the fact that they just got raped and then had sex. He just fucked some random-ass zebra he's never met before and he didn't even acknowledge that fact afterwards.
Then there's the ending.
And Rainbow Dash just treats it like any normal thing. Not even a "holy shit, that's awesome". Just, "interesting life".
Rainbow Dash isn't a mare of few words. If someone went up to her and said they're life was like this, she would make a huge deal out of it and say it's awesome and all that shiz.
I'd go into some more detail with this fic, but it's late and I can't really be arsed right now.
If you're planning on continuing this, I highly suggest you find a few editor's to help you with your writing, because you are in dire need of said help. I'd offer personally, but editing isn't my forte.
4084982 Because the main character is an alicorn OC?
Because it's a self-insert fic?
Because each character is wooden and uninteresting?
Because the concept itself has been done to death?
I could go on, but I'd surely bore you.
You know when they say, "if you can't say anything nice then say nothing at all?" I'm sorely tempted to follow this advice but I feel it wouldn't be in your best interests. Believe it or not I feel that sometimes harsh criticism is needed especially when it's your first time.
4085609 covered quite a bit in his post but I don't feel they went deep enough. There are problems with grammar and spelling throughout your story but I'm going to focus on the story telling because honestly in this story there is none.
You have a tendency to simply tell things without reason or need. For example:
What purpose does this serve to tell us that they ordered this many cupcakes and more importantly what kind? The answer is nothing. You could have left that part out and the story would not have suffered for it. The idea is to give details of the world you're in so that the reader feels a part of it but not to where you fill it with things that are pointless. There are numerous parts of the story where you do this such as when your OC goes home and you describe which rooms are where, or the look of the ponies in the picture. It's all pointless padding that doesn't help the story.
Your next problem is the overuse of the word "he" to start sentences. He did this. He did that. He did something else. He stood on his head and twiddled his hooves. Try limiting your use of the same words in not only the same sentence but which words you use to start a sentence. When you keep using the same word it then starts to stand out and people notice it more.
If you can't rhyme, don't try to write Zeccora. A lot of what you wrote for her and Vine came out forced which messes with the cadence and rhythm of a good rhyme. A rhyme is about balance and style, come at it wrong and you'll miss by a mile. It's not just about two words that match, it's how you say them that is the catch. Try to keep a cadence in mind and a proper ending you soon may find. I know it's not my best but what do you expect off the top of my head?
The clop, if you can call it that, really had no place in this story. It comes out of nowhere, serves no purpose and is really poorly done. It's mechanical pony sex without any real attachment to it. Insert tab A into slot B. Repeat as needed. Good clop relies on not only the physical descriptions of what is going on but the emotions and more importantly the "feels" of it. What you did was just describe, poorly I would add, the gross physical aspect of it. It's like an observer is watching the sex and simply writing down what he sees. Also, there's no reason to include the word "fap" in there. Of course it's also rape you might want to consider exploring Vine's feelings on this and while he enjoyed it at the end that he felt used.
Your first story is rarely going to be well received. Listen to what others have told you, try to apply that knowledge and hopefully your next story will be better.
4085995
Like I said at the end of my post. It's late and I couldn't be arsed going into extraodinary detail. my comments are usually blunt and to the point; I briefly pointed out the main issues and then go about my way
Well, this seems like a pretty good story of an OC.
HEY WAIT THIS IS AN ALI--
Good job, Scootareader. You're going blind.
>le cover picture
Don't you hate when that happens?
"What are the shittiest nicknames we can come up with for Vine?"
"How about Ruby?"
"I like Minx better."
"Let's just call him both. He thinks he's our friend, so he'll keep calling himself by them, too. What a dweeb."
Are you freaking kidding--
Oh my Celes--
This hurts to re--
MAKE IT STOP
haha wat
my brain
Spoiler alert: Hanakusa told him he's gey.
Confirmed for weakest pony.
Okay... what's the name of the sword? Longsword? Greatsword? Rapier?
Because he has to ooze "SWEET CELESTIA THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING OC EVER" from every fiber of his being.
Swords don't usually do that?
Are you bucking kidding me.
You said yourself,
But he's some kind of exception that can use a weapon designed to be held by magic? Does this make any logical sense whatsoever?
Everyone knows only homos like gems.
Named after his personality: Cold and lifeless.
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Where did she come from? She scared me!
She's lying. I saw the mature sex tag.
If that excuse ever worked, frat boys would never get laid.
"I'm Rainbow Dash, it's nice to meet you!"
"I kill people. Here's the key to my house, don't steal everything while I'm gone xoxo."
That's the worst rhyme I've heard since Kanye West's latest single.
And he's just as bad as she at it.
This doesn't even rhyme. He didn't even bring presents!
This doesn't rhyme either. It's also painfully lame.
Because he reminds her of how bad at them she is.
How? How did the door open? It just... opened?
"There's a wound in my heart that only you can mend, babeh."
Probably something even more agonizingly sue-ish.
This is like the Holocaust of rhymes. You are torturing the poor English language with these. You really, really need an editor, man.
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Let's hope she's more creative than Zecora. My eyes want to gouge themselves for suffering through that.
That's because he's a flat, boring character. I'd be depressed if I was stuck in his house, too.
Whoa, hey, I wasn't expecting clop in this!
Why would it? No one ever keeps pictures of things they want to remember.
This is the most well-scripted line in the entire fanfic--barring the improper usage of "ok" instead of "okay" and the usage of the word "fucking" as a word that more than likely doesn't exist in Equestrian vocabulary.
A foal? I bet it's a foal. Thank goodness you didn't try to force this zebra to rhyme.
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This is not what I've been waiting for in this fanfic.
Bull. This guy is supposedly a trained killer. He wouldn't let her take advantage of him like this unless he was actually in control. He had a choice all right.
He should have yelled, "Fus... RO DAH!" He's obviously mary sue enough for it to work.
He's not even doing anything.
At least he agrees with me.
This is probably the worst mental image you could conjure.
Can you do that? Can you even enter twice?
Shame on you for over-using the tilde. And exclamation points.
Why should it be like that? This is far too deep a mystery for you to address in this fanfic. I doubt you're very familiar with existentialist philosophy.
That's right. He'd break her hoof if she tried. It's genetics. Stallions are stronger than mares.
"Convenience for the clopfic."
A demon hunter.
A.
Demon.
HUNTER.
This is painful to read.
Because the author wishes his life was more interesting, I'd imagine?
So self-insert.
Oh, wait, it's over? Aw, man.
All right, on to the real review!
10/10. Would read again. Looking forward to the sequel.
Well…I saw this in rage reviews and decided to read it…I definitely wasn't expecting to get mindfucked…which I was.
Let's do this. Ahem-
Cover art: pony creator cover art shows little to no effort in writing right off the bat. Also Alicorn. -10/10.
Description: Self-insert. Yay. Also in love with RD…-10/10.
Story: Oh my sweet Celestia…this grammar is awful! And with how everything was written and how people would show up and random and the punctuation…I don't appreciate the migraine this just gave me. And RD is really, really OOC here…oh, and Rarity doesn't say darling every time the speaks.
Zecora? The fuck are you doing in this story? Why are your rhymes really bad? Are you okay?
Wait…yep. Just as I suspected. Clop. And there's a random zebra introduced as well…who rapes him while wearing a "sexy nurse costume". Ponies don't even wear clothes…
And then there's his house…somebody just shoot me already. Poisons, swords, diseases…oh, and guns. Pretty sure that GUNS DON'T EXIST IN EQUESTRIA. DO YOU EVEN WATCH THE SHOW? Not to mention that he's a demon hunter, too. With a dragon scale sword. And a tragic past. I could go on, but I won-
WHOA! RD, where did you come from!?
Aaannnndd…chapter end. -120/10.
My advice:
-Delete this story
-Get an original concept
-Redo your OC
-Write a new story if you want, one with a better concept and a not Gary Stu/Mary Sue OC, and not OOC characters
-Edit, edit, edit!!
-Get an editor and/or a proofreader: someone to help you with your grammar!
-NO MORE SELF-INSERTS!!
Overall, my reaction:
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With this story being Cadence.
4087662
I read your post, thought it was so funny that I had to read it a second time when I wasn't busting a gut laughing, then had to get my friends, and show them and then sent a link to people on the interwebs for them to read it.
Also, I haven't read the story - I saw your comment and favorited this story right away, just so I would be able to come back and read this masterpiece of a comment again. Bravo, good sir. Bravo.
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4666115
I don't have a list or anything, but I used to read them regularly, and I basically always write comments like that when I read bad fanfic. 
If you hunt around for a while, you'll find me commenting on some other poorly written fanfics.
4084982
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I don't mean to come off as rude, but you should know by now that being a new writer doesn't get you a free pass to everyone liking your story and being nice to you about it and telling you it was good when in truth, it was awful and made my brain hurt. You will get better as you write more, and in time, you will come to produce a fanfic actually worth reading. If you actually try and put some real time & effort into it, that is.
Basically what it all chalks up to is that this was the defenition of terrible and overrated, stereotypical mlp fanfics, and people aren't gonna lie to you about it just to spare your feelings. Deal with that fact, get over it, and actually try to write something worthwhile, and others will come to acknowledge and respect you for that. That's just how the world works.
Twi out!
Lemme get this straight. An alicorn demon hunter got raped by a zebra half his size. Okay.
This story was terrible on just about every level. The characters were dull and unlikeable. Rainbow Dash was clearly being impersonated by a changeling, because her personality was WAY off. Alicorn OC's are generally looked down upon, since you're using it to be a special little snowflake. Horn broken for no reason other than to make him have a "Tragic" backstory. Rainbow Dash meets an alicorn with a broken horn, and her only reaction is "Whoah dude what happened to it?" Never mind the fact that she met another alicorn, one of the rarest races of pony. His horn's cut off, and he can't use magic. Okay. Why not make him a pegasus? You wanna go for a real challenge? Make him a pegasus and have him lose one of his wings. THAT'D be interesting. All in all, this either needs to be deleted, or completely redone from top to bottom.
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A pony using guns? Yes. Because we all know ponies have guns, know how to use them, and can even use them effectively. (Sarcasm)
You don't just randomly think up the invention of guns. It takes centuries of warfare for them to evolve. The ponies, canonically, have neither the knowledge to make guns. Or the biological capability to employ them effectively.
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