• Member Since 21st Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen March 15th

Doctor Perseus


I'm just a guy who loves to write.

Comments ( 53 )

Great story,
but it needs moar cuddle in it.

Here is your story measured in %edge :

90% SEXXX 10% CUDDLE

Hope to see moar cuddle in part two?

Sin,

-BronyLogic

Comment posted by Erik the Enigma deleted Mar 13th, 2014
Comment posted by Erik the Enigma deleted Mar 13th, 2014

I'm sorta surprised Pinkie didn't randomly appear for the 'party.'

But pretty damn cute! :twilightblush:

Wow, it's 1:20 and this is in the Featured Box! :twilightoops:

4076485
Someone give this man a medal.

4077267
There are other countries/continents besides America where mlp is also popular, you know? :twilightsmile:

Also, it seems it didn't need much to get it, judging from the likes and dislikes.

(Damned if I don't mention it. And annoyed for being so grammatically inclined.:facehoof:)

The story was well written and the plot, both kinds, were imaginative. That being said, I found the beginning, had too much detail, which made it difficult to fully grab my attention until the 3rd-4th paragraph. I almost expected the hot chocolate to be a part of their coitus from the amount of detail and mention it received.

(Damn thee editing for ruining textual delights for me.Fuuu.avi)

Well... This was interesting. :twilightblush: I've always wondered if you'd take a crack at writing a story like this. Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle is an interesting choice. Not a bad one.

Unfortunately, I have read a modest handful of these kinds of stories so I think I can give a proper critique of this one. I think the first part was done pretty well. The build up as it reveals Twilight and Rainbow's mutual feelings for each other. That was really good.

"So you want to enter a relationship with me?"

I don't know why, but I feel like this is phrased in an incredibly awkward way.

Then you get to the "good" part. :rainbowderp:

Just the way it was described just did not appeal to me. And one of the things that tend to bother me when it comes to stories like this is once it is established that this is their first time doing this or that they've never done something like this before, then how do they know how to do this?

"I've never had sex before but I've read plenty about it in all of its forms…”

Okay, so Twilight has at least read books about this...

Twilight's horn flashed and Rainbow suddenly found her legs spread out and tied to the bed by magic ropes. She proceeded to give Twilight a lustful, teasing smirk. "Into the kinky stuff, are we now?"

And apparently that book was 50 Shades of Dapple Gray! :rainbowlaugh::raritywink:

Overall, if you intend on writing more things like this, this isn't a bad start. I would recommend checking out Red: The Color of Passion, the mature version of certain chapters of Steel Resolve's story Green, or First Harvest by Bad_Seed_72, a mature side story to "Sweet Apple Anthology" and sequel to "Tangled Roots". These stories I feel do this kind of thing really well. Although they do have the benefit of being ancillary to a much longer narrative where you become invested in the characters' relationships and get the satisfaction of seeing a couple who are deeply in love consummate their relationship. Most times that's a bit of a handicap for a one-shot like this. But the way these stories depict the event in question is done very well at least to me. So, it's a nice effort and keep up the good work. :pinkiesmile:

4076370 Yes, that's exactly what this needs.

Wall of text! Wall of text!

Pointy horn in squishy bits!
:raritycry::raritycry::raritycry:

Good story though. A little explanation in part two as to how Twilight didn't turn Dash's innards into a pincushion would be nice.

4077464
Thanks for the critique. :twilightsmile:

Yeah, I'll admit that this story isn't perfect but I wrote this a couple months ago and, when I wrote it, I wasn't really going for THE BEST CLOPFIC EVAH but rather just giving a shot at an erotic story and seeing how it would turn out.

I can't believe that, out of all of my other stories, this is the one to make it to the Featured Box. :rainbowlaugh: I think another one of my stories made it there once but I can't remember which and, if I recall, it wasn't there that long.

4077591
The explanation for that is...

:rainbowlaugh::trollestia:

4077675

That makes perfect sense, but as an engineer, I still want the mushy details...:twilightsmile:

4077639 That was "Ponds, Crusaders, and a Doctor". :scootangel::unsuresweetie::applecry:

I loved it so so so much but just one thing would have been nicer, if it was spaced out better, apart from that I cant wait to see what you do next with other stories :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::pinkiehappy:

4077639 Additional thought.

You know what I think it is. Your story "Snowed In" made the Featured Box. My story "Snowy Night" made the Featured Box. It's obvious why. They both have snow in the title. :rainbowlaugh:

This is awesome, love it.
:heart::twilightsmile::rainbowkiss::heart:

Ugh. I had to stop at "sweating, untainted vagina." Really? Once again, the featured box disappoints. Both Twilight and Rainbow are noticeably out of character throughout most of what I read (i.e. - Rainbow's whole "So you want to enter a relationship with me?" line). My suggestion is to keep on top of that next time, author. Also, maybe reconsider calling a first timer's nether regions "untainted." It comes off really gross and implies that sex somehow makes someone dirty.

I'll add to the call for paragraph breaks, and agree to the somewhat out of character speech. The pacing is also a little off: we have a slow start and build-up, then two kisses and about 30 seconds of foreplay later they're right into it. Hardly the behaviour one might expect from two first-timers, in my opinion.

Have some minor corrections:

I never noticed how tone Rainbow's body was

This should be "I never noticed how toned Rainbow's body is". Was is past tense, is is present tense; so unless you're implying that RD has gone to flab, it should be corrected. Also note the missing "d" - then again, being a filly-foolers fic, the entire story is missing "the D". [/lame_pun] :scootangel:

Then there's this line:

Rainbow progressed down Twilight's chest until she reached her waste area.

Rainbow Dash, you kinky thing! :trollestia:

Unless, of course, you mean "waist", which is much less exciting. :derpytongue2:

4080734
I still can't believe this story even made it to the Featured Box (and that it's still there) for it's far from any of my better stories.

As of now there's not going to be a next time because I'm not normally a clopfic writer. This was mostly just written as an experiment to see how I could write an erotic story such as this. It's definitely not perfect but I wasn't really going for that.

Even though you didn't like it in the end, thanks for giving it a look anyway. :pinkiesmile:

4080821
In relation to the "lack of paragraph breaks", I write my stories in a similar paragraph style as to how I see them in books. Like this:
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110831163554/harrypotter/images/0/02/Kingscrossexcert.jpg

Very nice clop story! Cute AND sexy! I loved every word of it! What made it cuter and sexier is because TwiDash is my favorite ship! :twilightsmile: :rainbowkiss:

Great work on it and keep up the great work! :pinkiehappy:

A bit straight to the point but still good.


4080821
I noted that "waste area" too.
And since it's Rainbow we can never be to sure, considering she likes moving fast. Perhaps she just missed her target on first pass.

So you see, it turns out Twilight just accidentally slipped a love potion into her Hot Chocolate and she remembers nothing of what happened that night. The next morning...

encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSXzdm-JGCHXgqyWQ3HN_JIEdJjBRSADGL1cuGfxYV7vxvBaOPa_KzfSQuO

Has anyone else realized that most of the popular or featured stories involve sexual content.

This is sexy! I enjoyed this yuri fic! :twilightsmile::heart::rainbowkiss:

"Hey Twi, that's my crotch!"
"Hot chocolate!"
"Wanna date?"
*kiss*
"Wanna fuck?"
*fucks*
More or less this story
Overall though, certainly not the worst clopfic ever written. But yeah, try to work on the depth of the characters more; both Rainbow And Twilight were waaaay out of character.

A few run-ons here and there, but good grammar nevertheless

Holy shit that was intense.

I shared this with a couple clopping buddies of mine. They will have lots of fun with this.

Good job with this mate. :pinkiehappy:

P.S. this somehow managed to turn me on

I still can't believe you wrote this

That was cute and intense :twilightsmile: well done :twilightsmile:

What's funny is the thought of sexual intercourse repulses me, yet I read a lot of clop just to read it. I sit while listening to either Green Day, Three Days Grace, Skillet, or Rise Against and just read.

Also, with that aside, where do you get your inspiration from? I get mine from the music I listen to, but I've been wondering where others get theirs. Actually, I've got 3 story ideas based off of songs. One based off of Audience of One, another based on From Heads Unworthy, and the other from Boulevard of Broken Dreams (I'll Walk Alone). The first and last one sad romance, the second one just sad in general. I work best in the sad department. I couldn't write a happy, cute story to save my life.

P.S. Have a like and fav! Maybe a follow, I'll think about. I'll just read some of your other stories to decide. Never mind. I just realized who wrote this. Another great story from you, Perseus!

6302119

Also, with that aside, where do you get your inspiration from?

I have a pretty wild imagination so the ideas for a lot of my stories just spawn from there. This particular story just spawned from my curiosity at attempting a sexual story.

I just realized who wrote this. Another great story from you, Perseus!

Glad you enjoyed it and I'm glad that you're apparently enjoying my Doctor Whooves series. I've noticed that you've been gradually reading your way through them throughout the past few days.

6302189 I'm a giant Whovian, so that may have something to do with it. Also, your series is one of the only good ones I've come across and it's definitely the largest one so far. I should go ahead and get back to it in a little bit, though. I kinda decided I needed to read some TwiDash and I just went around to look at the only ones left, the clop. It's kinda sad, actually. I've read almost every single TwiDash except for the clopfics and some, very few are left, normal stories. That's over a thousand stories I've read, and I'll admit, not all were very good. Still, I was kinda suprised to see this. Didn't know you wrote TwiDash or clop. Then again, I didn't know Abyss wrote clop either. Well, you learn something new every day, right!

"I think it's because I have such a huge amount of faith in our friendship, Rainbow Dash.

This is the first thing that came to mind:
:twilightangry2:Rainbow! Get down from there!
:rainbowwild:Or what?
:twilightangry2:Or I'll punish you when we get home!
:rainbowkiss:I think I'll enjoy that!
:facehoof:

Loved the story, very arousing

Awesome clopfic!!! 100/10!!! :rainbowwild: :twilightsheepish:

Hey, that's pretty good!

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