• Member Since 22nd Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 12th, 2023

Natsumushi


T

When an artist from Cloudsdale is hired to create some cloud art for Rarity’s next Fashion show, things quickly begin to get interesting in Ponyville as Summerbug meets up with a pair of old schoolmates, which inevitably begin to stir strange feelings within them and shenanigans ensue! But it’s only a week that he’ll be in town, just until the fashion show is over, what could possibly go wrong?


Special thanks to aFluffyGuy for proofreading this story for me. :twilightsmile:

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 33 )

Well, I think you got so many dislikes because RD seems a bit OOC.
But it isn't that bad, in fact, I can relate to her: when somepony asks you something way too much times, the one asked will be pissed off and the one who's asking (and especially somepony like RD) will be pissed off even more.

I hope I helped you a bit with this. To me, it just seems you have some ponies with a bad mood at your tail. :unsuresweetie:

I noticed you needed someone on the Writer's Group, to see why your fic has so many dislikes. Now before I continue, please don't take my criticism too harshly, use it constructively and build on it!

What my proofreader told me which I noticed that you and I made in writing: if you plan to start a new paragraph via hitting the enter key, don't tab it, it looks much cleaner that way and it would be less of a clutter which it really does that.

I've noticed that Rainbow Dash seems a bit OOC (Out Of Charachter). Sometimes she seems shy or unsure about things, but this is Rainbow Dash! The coolest, fastest, and most daring polychromatic pegasus, not some cocky but, unsure-when-wrong winged equine. Now what someone told me is, when you're writing a story, make a list of the characters that may be included most of the time, and their attitudes: is the pony strong but sensitive? Is the pony garnering a nuanced motley of words but cracks under pressure when saying "hamburger"? Use that list, whether it would be a physical or mental, when you write--dialogue specifically--think to yourself, "is what I'm writing for the character fits their attitudes?" or, "would they act this way if this were to happen?" Rant over, and moving on.

There are a few punctuation errors and some grammatical, but no worries but, I assume you want them addressed. Now in the few grammar books I read--yes, I read some in my spare time (I'm a wierdo)--it's not very wise to caps words in general but, there are a few exceptions but not in this chapter: when you capitalized "PRINCESS!", it pretty much puts a shout, on top of a shout; the exclamation point alone will tell the audience, or, reader in this case, that the speaker is already shouting, most likely emphasizing something but if necessary, use italics on the word instead of caps, it makes it nicer and not have a barrage of boldly underlined words in seventy-five font, in replacement of a character, raising their voice just a tad.

Continuing off, I noticed your usage of acronyms or shortened words, I know there's a word for that but, I can't think right now. It's bad practice if you're using shortened words like A.K.A., F.Y.I. and the rest of the bunch, as it sometimes makes it harder for the reader to understand as if they're reading a new word because to some sense, they are reading a new word to a handful of readers. What I'm saying is, lay off the caps, and don't use acronyms--that sounded mean; I'm sorry.

If you are looking for a proofreader or someone to give you advice, I'd be more than happy to help you out with that, although I am a bit new, I am not a neophyte, although it says that on my profile--ignore that until I can gain some self-esteem (not really). I feel that I need some help myself but I want to help others so I have to start somewhere, though I do tend to be a grammar police.

Typing this whole thing with the "w" key popping out every word I type makes me go insane, I must fix this laptop when I don't even own this to begin with.

After reading the three chapters, it's a good story having old friends reunite to some degree which in the first chapter with them, strangely knowing each other before, answered that question in the reader's mind in the third chapter, which I thought was well executed. Although during the second and third chapter, Applejack does tend to sound more like a hillbilly than a cowpony in some occasions and I noticed you sometimes misuse "ya'll" in conjunction with "you" which is not true: ya'll is pretty much a compound word in southern slang for "you all" but you're doing better than I in slang :ajsmug:

Dont let those last few things get in the way of the good, I find this story great in how you intorduce Summerbug into the mix without setting off the whole lot of horrible self-insert logic that may or may not end up with them screwing each other, but I hold no qualms against it because I do read a few from time to time :twilightblush:. Anyways you might want to review your writing as I noticed a typing error which I do make almost all the time but catch instantly, I assume you ment to type "quiet" instead of "quite" or the other way around. I forgot :rainbowderp:

4241689 okay, thank you very much! I'll work on fixing her accent to be more appropriate. I'll also see if I find any other errors like the one you pointed out. I really appreciate the assistance. :twilightblush:

4237156 thank you very much, I really appreciate the feedback. I'll definitely look over the chapters again and fix the aforementioned errors. I'll also try to get dash more in character too. :twilightsmile:

4241366 that would be really awesome! Grammar has always been a bane of mine, I would really like the help. :twilightblush: I was really nervous about asking help, I'm usually really shy when it comes to such things. And also thank you for the advice. ^///^

---WARNING: WALL OF TEXT BELOW---

4242088
I understand feeling nervous about this. Hearing honest judgments of your work by others, especially when those judgments may/are likely to contain negative opinions, can be uncomfortable. In the past, I've often avoided even posting comments for similar reasons. I have put my comments below, however, if you feel they will dishearten you, I'd encourage you not to read them. I mean only to provide helpful critique so that you may progress your craft.

4241366
Yep, I noticed several errors within the first few paragraphs. For me, that's typically an end point for a fanfic. I don't have a ton of free time between work, kids, etc., so I tend to stick to stories that a) have a substantial number of positive ratings, and b) seem well-written from the start. I could point some of these errors out, but they are too numerous to list them all. And besides, I think this comment addresses many of them anyway.

Secondly, though, I've noticed you have a problem that I've been working on as well: showing vs. telling . Going through several drafts of a project will help with this.

Here's an example:

Clearly Rainbow Dash was too impatient and eager to help her pal Twilight Sparkle get more accustomed with her new wings. Begrudgingly though, Rainbow Dash left calling back that she’ll be back later on in the day and that Twilight should be ready to go by then.

Rather than tell us, the readers, that Rainbow Dash is impatient, show us with her actions. Does she grind a hoof into the dirt? Scowl at Twilight? Let us figure out that she's feeling impatient, but give us all the information we'd need to do so about her posture, her movements, or her thoughts.

Rainbow Dash scuffed a hoof against an oak floor panel in frustration; forcefully enough, it seemed, to scrape up a bit of the finish in the process. She just couldn't understand why her friend wasn't more excited. After all, flying was awesome! The feel of the wind rushing through your feathers, the world way down below; there was nothing in Equestria that could compare to that! Nothing in some dusty old textbook, that was for sure.

Looking back towards the bed, though, Rainbow Dash saw that Twilight had already settled peacefully beneath her sheets again, and it was clear even to her that her friend wasn't moving anytime soon. She let out a sigh, her brow furrowed as the pile of blankets in front of her rose and fell with a steady rhythm, before begrudgingly walking back over to Twilight's bedroom window. After looking back over her shoulder one final time, she limply flapped her wings and took to the air. It seemed it would be a little while longer before she had her "new flying buddy" after all. But maybe today, after Twilight'd had her sleep and her morning dose of coffee, she'd actually show some enthusiasm, rather than just finding another excuse to avoid flying practice in some "royal business" that had to be done.

At this point, though, that sure didn't seem likely to Rainbow Dash. At all.

The above is a brief rewrite. Not claiming its good, or better than the original, but just my take on how I might flesh out that sequence.

The Writing Guide right here on FimFiction isn't a bad place to start, either.

Some other observations, just from skimming the first chapter:

I'm not exactly buying the premise that Rainbow Dash would be so shocked/offended by a pegasus on the ground. After all, she's been friends with a certain yellow mare since she was a young filly, and that pegasus only takes to the skies when it is completely required. We know other pegasi live in Ponyville, as well. It just seems like an odd sequence, and is another thing that might prevent me from reading further.

Use of appropriate colloquialisms. The use of the word "Guy" in this story does not line up with Rainbow Dash's typical manner of speech. It's not technically a grammatical error, though I suppose it is in the same line as the OOC behaviors already mentioned.

Use of internal voice. This can be used to great effect, but in this story, it seems somewhat awkwardly placed. Don't worry -- I'm pretty sure my stories suffer the same issue.

Spacing. Your spacing is inconsistent. It makes it hard to judge where new paragraphs are, and interrupts the flow.

Pacing. Everything is a bit rushed. There is very little description of anything occurring, at least, in the first chapter; it is almost entirely conversational. And the conversation that is there lacks some of the tension that was probably intended. For example:

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but my pal Twilight…ahem, excuse me…PRINCESS Twilight, has been so busy with her new job that she rarely has any time for her best friends! It’s almost like she’s totally blowing me off! Well, me and the others…” she corrected sheepishly. T.M.I. Dash! He’s a random guy, why the hay would he give two bits?

“That really does suck. Don’t you think your being a bit petty, though? If she’s a princess you should expect her to be busy with that kind of crap. Not that’s it’s really all that fair.”

“Rrrr…I guess you’re right. Besides, Rarity’s should be the petty one, prim and proper; that one.” She chuckled.

Problem solved! Wait, what? Exactly. Conversations never flow this easily; neither people nor ponies are so easily talked out of their feelings about a matter. There should be some back-and-forth here to a) build tension and b) build character, both for Rainbow and your OC.

Speaking of your OC, this could be another reason for the lack of views or likes. Sorry, I tend to avoid stories featuring OCs, and doubly so for new writers. Many others do as well. At least it's not an HIE.

Out of show references. Some people appreciate this kind of "in-group" humor. I do not. “Why so serious?”, "derp", "mach 5" and the like have the effect of, again, removing the reader from the fantasy world (Equestria) that these stories take place in.

LUS. This is mentioned in the Writing Guide, but there are quite a few "cyan mare"s and the following line is, well, painful:

an orange coated, blonde-maned earth pony with a Stetson hat and a canary yellow Pegasus with a semi-styled pink mane

It's Applejack and Fluttershy! Just say Applejack and Fluttershy! We know what they look like. Describing them like this gives us no additional information, and frustratingly forces us to decipher your meaning.

I could add more, but...I think this is enough, for now. Try to find someone who will edit for you, or, barring that, try going through several drafts before publishing.

And read. Read a lot. I haven't read any DashXOC fics (I guess there's Memoirs of a Reality Jumper, though that's also an HiE), so I can't recommend any, but generally speaking, I find it helpful to go out and re-read some of the best fics in any given category to remind myself how they are written. Anything from Cloudy Skies, for example, brings the feels. Stories like "Twilight's List" do a fabulous job of building a romance from a platonic situation. I don't know your age or your circumstances, but it's typically said that it is best to "write from life". Obviously, none of us are pastel-colored ponies, but these ponies have many of the same experiences we do. For a shipping fic to work, you have to get us invested in the relationship. Because you're using an OC here, you need to get us invested in the character too. That means backstory. Complexity. Make them a character that we can identify with, that seems real. Not just a "Gary Lou", but a character with flaws, a character that we don't always like.

Love is tough. I've got three stories, only one of which is posted, that have a romantic plot or subplot, and in all of them, I'm having trouble striking the right balance between hamfisting some feelings in and leaving things vague or morose. Its been quite a long time since I've been involved in the whole "falling-in-love" scenario, so I need to draw as much as I can from the experiences of others, or the stories they have written from those experiences, as well as what I can recall to put it together. But it's still tough to get it right. And romance, without capturing the emotions, is pointless.

Well, I've probably rambled enough here, but let me know if you want any more feedback. I don't have a lot of time, and I need to get back to work, but there you have it. Of course, you probably should just disregard all of this, coming from a new author himself whose stories aren't terribly more popular than your own. :pinkiegasp: And I do apologize if I was too harsh here, its just the way I tend to be. Please don't take this as pure criticism; just as a place to improve from.

This story is very entertaining. I hope the next chapter comes soon. BTW, where can I find the artist of the cover art?

4466232 thank you
I do my own art as well actually :twilightblush:

4243660 thank you very much for the feedback and critique. I've done a series of rewrites of this story with the aid of a proofreader and I also borrowed a little from the brief rewrite you offered, giving you credit for that. If you be willing to give this one more look over I'd be honored. :twilightsmile:

When I first saw the cover:

I WANT TO LIVE!

I WANT TO LIVE!!! (To the OC)

cool story bro.

It's so good I start to read it a third time. Good work!

4672952 Thank you very much! I really appreciate it! :twilightsmile:
I should have the next chapter out before the end of august. only reason why it's been so long is I'm getting married in about 3 weeks and there's a whole lot of running around going on. :twilightblush:

4759243 You are welcome and congratulations!

So how's the wedding life treating you? Also, will we see more of Summerbug? I want to see how he manages to catch Rarity's attention.

5103648 Yes, it's just been a really crazy couple of months. Getting adjusted to a new local and getting used to having a spouse is a lot tougher than I expected it to be. But I plan on getting the next chapter out hopefully sometime soon. I'm truly sorry for the delay.

Glad to see that this story is back and that Summerbug met Derpy again.

5158750 Thank you, I wanted this to be longer, however what I have planed next will be a chapter in and of itself. I plan to finally get into some of the shenanigans. it should be fun! I hope.:yay:

Just read all 4 chapters and you my friend have me hooked

5159004 Hearing that makes me happy! I'm glad you like it! :pinkiehappy: thank you!:yay:

This story seems interesting. Good luck with the next chapter. I can't wait to read what happens next.

Nice to see an update for this story.

And another pony is added to the love triangle.
I wonder who Summberbug will eventually fall in love with.
Will his crush on Dash finally be realized?
Will Fluttershy or Derpy finally win the heart of their old crush?
Or will you surprise us and have him fall in love with none of them or a different pony?
I am so exited to find out!

I'm glad to see this story again. I really enjoyed the chapter. I hope to see more soon.

Well...this will be interesting.

Glad to see that this story is back. Hope to see another chapter soon to see Shy and Rarity's reaction to Summerbug's new look.

6156039 I've got the next chapter well under way. I'm hoping that, along with the next chapter of darkness within will be out sooner than the past few.

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