first

WHAT NOW!

i always win

read all the way through first chapter, to see the pony part

please accept it, i really want to continue it

>>370063370063 Firstly, every single time you write i, you must capitalize it. It's one of the first things people notice, and it really does look bad. As does missing the full stop at the end of a paragraph. Also, you tend to "Rabbit on", by which I mean make sentences too long, with too many conjunctions. Words like and, but, or, & as are useful, but do them within reason.

For example, your version:

"That’s when I was hit by a rocket, and started spinning, as Gordon started blasting the portal generator with Dark matter energy ball things, and I slammed into the generator as it exploded, and I saw white, black, then…..green? "

Minus some conjunctions version:

"That’s when I was hit by a rocket and started spinning. Gordon started blasting the portal generator with Dark matter energy ball things, and I slammed into the generator. It exploded, and I saw white, black, then…..green?"

slightly less of a run-on sentence, and looks cleaner to boot.

>>373477373477

thanks for the criticism, want to be my proofreader?

I would like to be, but I got lots of homework and such on my plate right now, so I can't. Sorry.

>>380994380994

yeah fuck you too buddy

>>381106381106 there's a way to do it without being a dick. id start by not saying you want to punch him

>>381106381106

yeah,

but dont be a dick about it

>>382980382980

yeah...but you acted/typed like a dick

dont do it again

Well the concept is cool, i guess. Sort of a ponyville afterlife/purgatory thing going on? Crossed with half-life. Gotta say, that's new.

Writing could use a little work though. The tension and flow weren't really there when I was reading it.

Still, I'd like to see where this goes.

>>403393403393

yay!

though, i might not continue it, not that i dont want to, its just well, people dont like it much and

it'd probably be a waste of space

Stay human

im getting the feeling that EVERYONE is going to hate this.......

i never should have even tried

Human definitely

>>771217771217

wow.... this got read A LOT more than i thought it would be..... yet barely any comments...... or thumbs for that matter....

Pony!

i-if thats all right I mean...

Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/489/344/0f1.png

Are you serious?

Are you really fucking serious?

Where-

Wh-where do I even begin? Huh?

The pacing is too freaking rushed. The grammar is fucking awful-looking to me, since I am a Grammar Nazi. Others might be a tad more lenient, but not me. Especially now, fuelled as I am by my hate at the idiotic excuse of a president we have. But that's a whole 'nother story.

Also...

Dark matter energy ball things

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

It gets worse and worse as I go on.

...swear if I wasn’t in

pain from every movement I would have tackle hugged her that instant.

Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/468/296/005.gif

OH MY FUCKING CELESTIA

I-

I-

*inhale* *tries to be calm* *DC too high, damnit*

Do you have any idea how idiotic that sounds? This OC of yours faintly reeks of self-insert and is one of the most bland characters ever! A freaking cardboard cut-out is what he is! 'Oh, look a winged equineI MUST HUG IT NOW AEEAEAEAEAEAEAAA'

*gasp*

AND PROPER PUNCTUATION AND USE OF COMMAS/FULL STOPS, ASSHAT, PROPER PUNCTUATION AND USE OF COMMAS/FULL STOPS, LEARN IT, YOU IDIOT

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/415/905/c36.gif

I'm sure I'd very much enjoy beating the bagels out of you, but I don't want prison time for beating up a mentally retarded person.

Fuck it, I'm out.

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/488/788/8aa.gif

Here's to hoping you never update this.

The Crossover Master(Formerly FireGnat), signing off.

>>20892552089255

You spelled "fueled" wrong.

>>20892752089275

Chrome and Word seem to disagree with you.

>>20892822089282

Fueled.

Apple mah nigga.

>>20892992089299

Fuelled. I double-checked it on Word.

Then again, I can be pretty stubborn.

I kind of am intrigued what the author will say when he finds my rant, if he is still out and about.

It can only go well.

>>20893032089303 My Hulk Hogan faces, therefor you are invalid.

>>20894032089403

*plops down on his wheelchair, wiggles toes*

If you say so.

>>20894112089411

That last comment wasn't mine, someone took my phone.

>>20894462089446

Well, shit. And I was going to stick a jet engine on my wheelchair. *tosses wheelchair outta window*

>>20894562089456 Don't listen to them, it's all a lie!

>>20894622089462

++I AM STUCK INSIDE THIS PRINTER++

++HELP++

++THE WORLD IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS TO BE++

(Did you like my rant?)

>>20894712089471

>>20894782089478

I laughed a bit too hard when I saw that face.

>>20894782089478

>>20925472092547

you guys are so silly.

-------

This fic is bad, so so bad.