- Member Since 6th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 9th, 2021
LightningBass94
Dying. Funny thing, that. It never happens how you expect it.
LightningBass94
Joined 6th Jan, 2014 ·
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My reaction when reading the description; IT'S ALIVE!!!
4056549 I hope Frankenstein won't have shit on this.
Awesome twist ending.
4056573 Grazi!
0.0
was very interesting
4056599 In a good way?
4056609 ja
its just I don't read grimdark often after I have seen cupcakes and smile
4056617 Ah, I see. Well, as far as grimdark goes, in your opinion?
Is this what she would have wanted Twi?
...is it?
4056662 fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/028/d/e/sad_rainbow_dash_by_iamthegreatlyra-d4nw2np.png
4056667 no RD please stop crying your gonna give me a hnng *heart attack*heart failure and death*
4056698
Aww, it's unfortunate this is just a one-shot. I would realy love to see this continued, especially after that ending...
4056718 ...I'm not sure I could follow that up and make it better in any way.
4056623 overall this is a well written story given the situation it was written in.
there might be some grammar errors, im not sure.
no spelling, punctuation, or capitalization errors
my inner grammar Nazi is pleased
the only thing that unsettled me a little is the fact that twilight kills clones of RD instead of just letting go and that she though that she could recreate RD's soul
I'd give it a 4.75/5 so on my vehicle awards computer you get
1.my highest level tank a king tiger or tiger Mk2
and my second best plane P-51B
im just having problems putting the pics on here
4056732 Exactly, you don't think you could. You're limiting yourself based on thought. Don't get me wrong, I love this short grimdark. It's just, I could see a possible follow-up.
Those long page breaks are more annoying and jarring than dramatic, but other than that a decent take on a the concept.
Well... that was a thing.
4057368
So, your story. Sit down, buckle up, and prepare, because I am reviewing it completely.
Your prose was okay (which I will comment more on later), but there were a few hints here and there where an editor would have been good. Yes, you had a pre reader or two, but they do serve different functions. Anyways, the massive page breaks were more of a nuisance than a benefit. I often find that less is more in the case of something like that. If you really feel the need to separate parts of the story with something to give it emphasis (which is a good thing, for sure, I've seen it done very well many times) then you can use something as simple as an ellipses to achieve the same effect.
"Tell my wife and kid..."
...
"...I love em."
Takes up the same amount of space as the rest of the writing, fits with the style you've been presenting, and also gives the very same feeling you were looking for with the page break.
As an editor, I normally only show specific things when a writer has asked me to edit their project, but I feel the need to point something out regardless, seeing as it is not necessarily a writing flaw.
It feels like you're trying to imply that this pocket dimension Twilight made moves at a rate of 1:60 (as an example I chose at random, you never gave the exact ratio of time dilation). That ratio I just used would translate to one minute in Equestria is sixty minutes in the pocket dimension, basically. Am I right in assuming that?
The thing is, your wording proves otherwise. The way it is worded, with "time truly moved quicker in this dimension", implies the exact opposite. Think about it for a moment. If time moved quicker there, then spending one minute in the pocket dimension would make MORE than one minute pass in equestria. The ratio I gave earlier (again, as a random example) would be reverse. It would be 60:1, with sixty minutes passing in Equestria while only one minute passed in the pocket dimension.
It's a strange concept, for sure, but that is the way it is. The Hypoerbolic Time Chamber in Dragon Ball Z was a rate of 1:365, meaning one second on Earth was three hundred and sixty five seconds in the Chamber. This basically became what they stated, in which one day on earth was equivalent to an entire year of training in the chamber. This meant that the Hyperbolic Time Chamber was going slower than Earth so that in the time Earth went one day, the Hyperbolic Time Chamber was able to take that one day and spread it over an entire year of time.
But I digress. The fic was okay, though the ending leaves something to be desired. As far as grim dark goes, it was exactly what I expected it to be.
And lastly, I must ask: what purpose did it serve to turn the basement into a separate pocket dimension? Was it really necessary? The fic would have been pretty much the same had it just been the basement, and the concept for the fic (the whole Dash's revival, I mean) is just as believable even when you remove the consideration of the time dilation. Because you made it into a separate dimension, you were forced into explaining how it worked so that readers wouldn't be left confused as to what the hell was happening in that doorway with Scootaloo. But this was not beneficial to the fic, as it caused you to have to spend quite a few paragraphs on it when it didn't contribute to the over arching theme of the story anyways. On top of that, you threw in some data about how it was incredibly dangerous and risked trapping Scootaloo somewhere forever, and the solution for how she could be saved made no sense as well. The entire presentation for the dimensional doorway (and all the data accompanying it) was fairly unnecessary as the entire purpose of the fic was Rainbow Dash's death and Twilight's ensuing mania that it caused. If the fic was going to be more than a one-shot? Sure, I could see having this be in the chapter because that might mean you could possibly use the fact that its a separate dimension for some plot device later on. Who knows. As it stands though? It merely distracts the reader from the actual plot and the actual purpose of the fic, which isn't a good thing.
Now, all that being said, I do want to leave you with this, because I am in no way trying to tell you that you did a bad job. Your characters were all very believable, including manic Twilight. You wrote them well, given the scenario for the story, and considering what was canon to have happened in the fic, I could see them reacting this way. Including Scootaloo, when she first saw Dash again. She immediately stopped caring about all this dark mumbo-jumbo that Twilight has been doing. If it worked and it brought back her Mom? Hell, who cares about the means? I know from personal experience that, were I in Scootaloo's position and feeling the way she was feeling at the time, I would have reacted the same way, just suddenly happy that Dash was back.
On top of this, your writing was good. Like I said, a few parts where you could have benefited from a decent editor, but that's beside the point. Your details for the scenes were fairly vivid, and you also kept in the right tense for the entire story. I may have missed something (though I don't think I did), but it seemed to me that you kept roughly in the same style the whole time, so bravo.
Overall, I can definitely say that you are improving from your past writings (yes, I have read some of your other fics), so don't feel discouraged. You are growing and getting better, and that is the important thing. I hope you don't ever give up, and that you continue to improve.
Not sure to love for brilliant story and good writing, hate for what you did to Rainbow, fear for Scootaloo and Twilight, or run away screaming.
I think I'll choose the last option..... bye.....
good job, wasn't expecting the hole "Kill the rainbow who dousn't remember." thing because twi could just use a memory spell or something, but it was still good.
4059211 I guess I could have made multiple signs instead of just one, but she was just a replica. It wasn't just that she had no memories of her past; she wasn't the same mare. She didn't even have a soul, and she would have been incapable of showing real emotion.
.....Maybe I will make this incomplete and add more to it later....
4059241 ah, that makes sense, but still good story.
4059368 Thanks.
This was once again a very good read (brohoof)
4131658 *Brohoof* Thanks, man.
I'm glad you liked it. It'll have a sequel whenever I get to writing it...
4132449
Cant wait
Nice concept you have here, and I can think of several ways how to continue the story. I'll be watching just in case you decide to do a follow-up, nice work so far!
4160837 I've already decided to do so. It will just be a little while. Drawing board phase!
{Because I'm a sucker for the darker side}
Read this through, I love it more! Needs more soul! {cowbell}
4333976 authoritywebsiteincome.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/more-cowbell-o1.gif
Thanks.
I hope you like the sequel too whenever I get around to writing it. 
4334017
Now you got me all giddy.
4334035 It'll happen...eventually, but it may be awhile. It's got a couple projects ahead of it.
4334061
It's ok, I have a huge que of stories to look through.
4334097 Read later list? Lol. I'm up to 66, not including the ones I have to judge.
4334117
2 weeks ago I was at 222 read latter and 361 Favorite Chapters.
Now I'm at 21 read later, and 64 Favorite chapters.
i.gyazo.com/7bb0a3e0fb71cbf78584f0a1da601292.png
4334130 Bro!
You're a beast!
4334168
So people tell me from time to time
was a great story but horrible ending.
We-e-e-el, this was... wierd, to say the less, but also interesting, and kinda funny thought
6489970 Well, it was a dark sci-fi fic.
4057368
Indeed it was, friend. Indeed it was.