An Inky Jay Story
Diamond Tiara is the one filly everypony should know. And clear a path for at that. But when she winds up by herself in Baltimare, she must endure the life of the ponies she has always looked down upon.
Chapters (8)
- Member Since 26th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Lapis-Lazuli and Stitch
Profile of Retired Writer, Lapis-Lazuli, and his editor, Stitch / Inky. Thanks for the memories, FiMFiction.
Lapis-Lazuli and Stitch
Joined 26th Jan, 2013 ·
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You could use a another proof read, if only by yourself out loud to fix some awkard sentence. However, I like the set-up, I like how you fit it in to the cannons of pony's ending their education at 13 Instead of going to high school as. The one problem I have that I can critique is, I felt like Dimond missing her train just because she was lost in thought was a bit to, unbelievable. Maybe she was doing something else, in the bathroom, sleeping, take it or leave it, but I'm egger to see where this story goes.
4009013 I'm thinking that her dad did it on purpose, but yeah I guess even if he did she still would have noticed. Anyways I like the style of writing and it is always good to see another DT story. Oh and one more thing. 4000 WORDS A DAY! FK THATS A LOT!
4009216
Tis the nature of the challenge. I think I can pull through, and the results shall be glorious for it methinks.
New Story? MUST READ!
4009241 You're honestly going for daily 4000 word updates? Good job bro. It takes me two weks to get out 6000 words average :P
I like what you've got started here though. You've established Diamond's character well and her motivations... How she got lost... well it could have been handled better but the stream of conscious/first person perspective really works for you here.
Now how are you going to keep her lost for a suffecient amount of time...
I was so engrossed in this story. If there were mistakes I didn't see any since I had 'The Prodigal Diamond' running through my head the entire time.
She has a question.. why hasn't Rich come back yet?
I always wonder if they bake/cook/fry hayburgers or not. And what baked/whatever hay would taste like. On that note, isn't a hayburger basically buns with pre-buns inside? o_0 Confound you ponies.
You need to shorten your paragraphs, slips them in halfs and quarters.
wow, you're really sticking to the challenge. good luck with Day 2!
How many days is the challenge supposed to last? I don't think I know of anyone whose done such a feat as to write 4k a day, every day!
I'll be reading each chapter as they come too, until the timer runs out and it's GAME OVER, MARE! GAME OVER!
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7856984064/h8FC8C418/
Okay... so she's surviving on her own and I get why the class divisions would make it problematic for her to seek help, but I still have the question of why Filthy Rich is letting her be alone for so long... Still Diamond's struggle for survival and her discarding of pride is getting interesting. We shall have to see what lengths she stoops to next chapter...
Oh it's fine, in fact, you might benefit more from waiting a day or two (or a few) between chapters anyways. My advice, even when you get a chapter done, just walk away, just walk away and don't post it for a day, then at least read it one more time.
will*
It's nice to read an editor's work, because generally they catch most of their own mistakes. And after some of the stuff I've read recently, not finding mistakes is a breath of delicious, fresh air.
4019655
I know what you mean. Though, this story is kinda interesting to edit. In order to get the next chapter out on time according to the challenge, I have to turn around and edit what I just finished writing immediately. It's a bit of a drain, looking over it so soon. Glad I haven't let anything more than what you caught slip through the cracks because of that.
Ohhhhhh I'm trying so hard not to insert my OC into this story! I really want to, but only with your permission!
You are really following through with this challenge well. Getting them out faster then I can read em.
Not sure if you meant this to sound as deep as it ended up; where the character hit the hammer on the head but still was ignorant of the truth at hand.
you look like*
4031636
Fixed and thank you.
Good, no, great, some, but not a lot of grammar problems. However, my biggest nit picks are, one, cut the paragraphs in half, and unless you don't give a dam and are willing to put a chapter out, every single day, be aware of complaints if you miss a day.
The fan can't take this much shit, Captain! It's going to be a shitticane! The shitpocalypse! Head for the hills hide your wives and children. DT is heading for a breakdown the likes of which will cause seismic activity in the neighboring kingdom!
"My daughter? The one who attends school every day has been absent? The very foals she torments are starting to get worried about her? Oh that's because I left her in Baltimare three weeks ago. What? Why are you all looking at me like that?"
Ok. You're a really engaging writer, working with a great concept, and I praise your prolific-ness. But...
SEVEN YEARS?
A father who (at the outset, at lease) loves his daughter, loses her but knows WHERE he lost her, never came looking? The charity home, which checks missing-pony lists for everyone they find and (presumably) has regular contact with such agencies, never figured out who she really was and got in touch with her dad?
Seems implausible enough that you should write another piece exploring Filthy Rich's side.
4039291
Sounds like losing her was no accident.
7 years... I think I missed something.
Wow....well I really wanted to see my story idea explored. Oh well I guess that's it.
Things do feel a tad lacking. Maybe at some point there should be more added, some depth, more of an explanation...I feel as though the story isn't finished.
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. There were a lot of great moments, and one particular moment that really got me. The moment when she's alone with Miss Veny, and Miss Veny gets her to realize that her daddy didn't forget her, he abandoned her, and her little heart just breaks in two, and she cries the most heartfelt, soulful cry that could possibly come from a child, and it just really tugged at my heartstrings.
Well done, all around.
Day 6... YEAR 7
That's a brilliant way to name an epilogue.
Wait, that can't be it, what happens next, or rather, what did happen, I know open endings can work, but this is to open
ahh sweet sweet karma biting diamond tiara in the plot
ok i have to admit i am a diamond tiara hater and you are greatly pleasing me she is slowly learning what it means to be happy TRULY happy and not that something happens and suddenly she is good bullshit i love how you drew it out. how she didn't let go of herself at first but now we are finally seeing a turning point awesome job so far
Well as much as I liked that story, that ending left me feeling horrible, and I love you for it. It made me think "welcome to the real world, where ponies are absolutely horrible." Honesty Rich was a complete scumbag, but it pulls together the whole story. Sure Diamond found a new family, but she was abandoned by her own father, and the only ponies willing to her were the ponies she antagonized when she was in Ponyville. Once again, I love the story, but the feels in that last chapter kill me.
This definitely needs some kind of side story that details how the CMC started their investigation team, as well as what happened back in Ponyville during those 7 years.
On another note, this is another story that managed to make me sympathize with DT.
6372000
I have succeeded then. And as intriguing as a side story sounds, this thing was written as a '4k words everyday until it's done' challenge. Whether or not that would change how a side story would feel in tone, I kinda like leaving this as its own island of work. Not to mention that I consider it the best of everything I've written.
6372860 All right then.
I'm definitely giving this a like, but I feel like there's something missing that I can't quite put my finger on that's preventing me from favoriting it. I'll be sure to tell you if I can figure out why.
So, is Half Full her new name , or just a nickname?
If Filthy Rich is not in shambles & panic that he lost his daughter; then I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to give this story the downvote. I just have a VERY hard time believeing that Mr. Rich is so abusive to leave his foal/child alone in the city & just not be charged with foal abuse?? This story is still well written but I just can't get over that.