• Published 1st Mar 2014
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Urohringr - Imploding Colon



Rainbow Dash and the Noble Jury fly east.

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Shoulda Brought a Tank Buster

When Rainbow Dash emerged, she felt strangely colder than when she was underwater. This produced a gasp, followed by the clattering sound of her sound stone falling to the metal floor. She caught it before it could roll back into the waters. Shuffling up the steep incline of metal, she spread her wings and shook her body from head to tail. Most of the agonizing water droplets rolled off her, but she was still coated with a fine layer of frosty liquid.

Rubbing her forelimbs together, she next brought a trembling hoof to her pendant and rubbed it rigorously. The ruby light from her Element glowed at its maximum luminosity, warming the ends of her moist coat hairs. She still felt numb through and through, but at least she hadn’t collapsed.

Without hesitation, she flapped her wings while performing vigorous “galloping” motions in midair. Once the blood started flowing, she breathed more easily, pivoting about to take in the far side of the ship where she had swum to.

Though it was paltry compared to the vibrance of her pendant, Rainbow Dash could make out the hint of a fire on the opposite end of the chamber. A stack of crates stood between here and the light source, obscuring the details of the room.

Shuddering, Rainbow reached down, grabbed the sound stone in the crook of her hoof, and proceeded forward.

Scrkkk! Dashie?! You frozen to death?”

“Sorry to disappoint you, girl,” Rainbow Dash said. “Tell Josho and EE I’m safe.” She gulped. “For now.”

Uh oh! Is there something super scary and dangerous on that side?”

“Only thing dangerous in here is me,” Rainbow Dash said as she hovered over the crates and peered on the other side. “As for super and scary…”

A camp had been set up, with several empty and crumpled soup cans forming a pile in the far corner. Rainbow Dash saw two burlap saps with potato sacks for pillows. A set of random horseshoes lay on the side, and there were multiple chests full of metal trinkets, tools, and nick-nacks.

”Well? Don’t leave us in suspenders!”

“The fire’s still fresh,” Rainbow Dash said as she hovered further over the indoor campsite. “Looks like they’re using tiny white filament to burn. Doesn’t look like hay to me. Besides, where they heck would anypony get hay?”

”That’s probably excess manafibers from the ship’s backup! That’s why Alexia never gets to play with the big boys. Everything they build is flammable in some way or another!”

“Seems to be working for whoever’s here.”

”Do you see ‘em? Huh? Huh?

“Can’t see much of anything, to be honest.” Rainbow squinted along the far end of the chamber. “Looks like there’s a passage that leads out of here. For all we know, whoever’s been hiding here has plenty of more places to crawl away.”

”Josho’s asking if you can tell how many have been staying down there!

“Well, I see two beds. So it’s either two ponies or one really fat pony.”

”You sure it’s an equine?”

“I doubt the extra horseshoes are for eating.”

”Can you see the communications array, at least?”

“Looking as we speak.” Rainbow Dash trotted along the corridor, sweeping her vision across the firelit resources. “Sure is dank in here. I wonder how much oxygen there is to burn.”

”There’s probably an air leak that connects to the atmosphere above the iceberg.”

Crkkkkkk-kkkk!

Rainbow Dash paused, staring at the ceiling. “Thank you both for reminding me what’s at stake here.” She proceeded forward. “Lots of junk around this part of the ship.”

”You mean tools and metal machine parts and the like?”

“You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

”I knew it! Uncle Prowse can never sit around without tinkering on something! He’s gotta be there!”

“Hold your blondie, horses… er…” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and sighed. “You know what I mean…”

”Have you seen any transprocketed bilateral strut casings? He can make those babies in his sleep!”

“No… I’m… uh… just seeing a bunch of crap.” Rainbow Dash hovered to a stop, blinking. “And I think I’m seeing the crappiest bit of all.”

”Huh?”

“It’s the communication array. I’m staring right at it. At least I think I am.” Rainbow flew closer to a jagged console with exposed wires and dimly glowing blue diodes. “It’s looking like it just threw its own guts out after eating spoiled daffodil alfredo.”

”I-I’m sure it’s just water damage!

“It’s about the cruddiest I’ve seen a pony-built structure since I flew over Silvadel.” Rainbow Dash sighed. “Props, it doesn’t look like anypony’s been around to repair this thing in ages.”

”What… what do you mean, Dashie?”

“I dunno, Props. But it’s not looking good. If your Uncle Prowse was really around, I’m sure he wouldn’t let this thing go to waste like it did.” Rainbow hung her head. “I hate to be such a downer, but it might be time that we expect the worst--Mmmmmmmffff!

A metal forelimb with multiple digits had wrapped around Rainbow’s muzzle from behind.

“Ye bit yer blue boggin bawbag yoo've got yerself th' warst, ye huddy tube!” The world spun around Rainbow as she was lifted in a violent bear-hug--”Hrraaaaaaaugh!”--and suplexed through a wooden box behind her. Smassssh!

Rainbow’s sound stone fell loose, rattling towards the far end of the chamber. ”Dashie?! Dashie, come in! Dashiiiiiiie!” Props’ voice strobed against a sudden onslaught of darting shadows.

“Unnngh…” Seeing stars, Rainbow struggled to stand up. A heavy weight pressed against her from behind. “Gughh!”

“Yoo've come tae steal uir lit, eh?” A hoof and a metal hand gripped Rainbow’s skull from behind. “Aam gonnae skelp yer fizzog aff tae Spark's blazes, ye loopin wanker!”

“Grnnnngh!” Rainbow spread her wings, knocking the weight off to give her space to slam the attacker in the groin.

“Ach, my bloody knob!”

“Yaaaugh!” Rainbow flew her elbow back, Her tingling skin felt the hint of a beard, then struck all cranium. Whud!

“Ooomf!” The body stumbled back with uneven hoofsteps.

Rainbow backflipped, twirled in mid-air, and turned--snarling--towards her attacker. “Okay, who ordered the concussion with a side of fries?!”

“Grrrrrr!” A tall, lanky horse with a scraggly red tail and an even scragglier tail stood--cross-legged--glaring at Rainbow through a squinting eye. “Yoo're a reit jobby bastart! Snuck in frae winter's oothoose tae hae a go at mah wares, huh?!”

Rainbow frowned. “I think I’ll settle for your face, you overgrown redwood forest--”

Clakka-clak-clak! The stallion’s metal left forelimb converted into a boomstick, burning bright red.

Luna poop!” Rainbow turned tail and flew.

Kapow! Kapow! Kapow! The chamber erupted with the echoing salvos.

Chunks of metal splashed at Rainbow’s hooves as she desperately outraced the mayhem.

“Professor!” a timid voice stammered from beyond the thunder. “Stop it! She obviously didn’t know what she was getting into--”

“Shut yer cabbage hole, loon!!” The augmented stallion spat, his blue eyes quivering after his darting target. “Aam blastin' thes pigeon's yanny in twain!”

“To what end?! You’ll sink us all!”

“I'll jawbox 'er first--”

Rainbow spun, kicked against the ceiling, and sailed towards her foe. Her ruby light blinded him, causing the stallion to stumble backwards, gripping his pained eyes. She flew into his chest with a massive backdrop, kicked his leg joints, then spun around. Flinging a hoof up, she grabbed his neck from behind and dropped straight down, slamming his chin against her shoulder.

“Gaaagh!” The stallion flailed and fell back through a crate of metal junk, smoking leg cannon and all.

Panting, Rainbow Dash kipped back on all fours. “Okay…” She wiped her brow. “That sure warmed me up.” She turned around limply. “Now, who in the hay did I just go to war with--Oh jeez!” She flinched back dramatically.

A giant shell with features jerked back, its scaled facial features wincing behind a jagged beak. “Please! Don’t hurt me! I can’t help it if my only friend is a half-metal psychopath!”

“Uhhhhh…” Rainbow Dash’s eyes fell over the reptile’s stubby legs and tail from where they stuck out the rigid shell. “I’m not sure where to punch you even if I wanted to.”

“It’s okay! We’re both harmless!” The reptile smiled awkwardly. “Really!”

“Raaaaaugh!” The stallion stood back up, eyes crooked above a bleeding smile. “Dinnae talk mince, Tankette lass!” He threw his left limb out again, converting it to a jagged grappling hook. Clakka-clakkkk! “I've nae yit begin tae gie thes winged fitbaw a beatin'!”

Rainbow grind her hooves against the metal floor. “Pull the trigger, bucko, and I’ll be making you eat those words you keep crapping out!”

“Try meh, ya wee fart!”

Splasssssh! A loud gasping noise emanated from the waters, followed by a sputtering, “Uncle?”

The stallion’s ears instantly folded. “Propsicle…?” Lips quivering, he turned to look across the campfire. “Did Ah jist hear mah propsicle?”

“Unky Prowsy!” Props hopped up and down, splashing water everywhere.

“Weel, Ah’ll be skint tae Spark's mana dust!” He fired the grappling hook at her. “Come haur, lassie!”

Rainbow flinched, only to watch the metal claw expertly wrap three times around Props’ midsection. The mare was flung viciously towards the lanky stallion.

“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

The collision sent the two rolling back through a rattling ocean of nuts and bolts. They rolled in the grease and ended with the lank stallion sitting on his bony haunches while rubbing the mare’s skull harshly with a metal hoof.

“Whew! Yoo're a micht chankin! Hae ye bin rollin' aroond in th' arctic pools withit a sweater?”

“I had to come find you, Unky Prowsy!” The mare shivered, but nevertheless nuzzled his pale fuzzy chest dearly, her smile wide enough to burst. “Mmmmm! I can smell the soot on you for days! What are you doing down here?!”

“Tryin' tae bide aheid ay th' braw wi' naethin' but a turtle tae lean oan! And you?”

“Ohhhhhh outrunning evil war machines, giant frost wyrms, and super meanie unicorns with inconceivably high power levels! But enough about me! Tell me about youuuuu!”

“Ohhhhh Propsicles.” The stallion sniffled, nuzzling her with his red beard. “Ah cannae keep mah eyes dry with the sweet smell of ya.”

Rainbow Dash stared, rubbing her head. A scaled hand touched her shoulder. She flinched once more.

The turtle winced behind her beak. “Erm… sorry. My name is Elma. Elma Boreal.” She shrugged. “It’s a snapping turtle name.”

“I bet it is.”

“Are you here for the Professor?”

“Professor?”

“Yeah. Professor Prowse.”

“Uhhh…” Rainbow Dash glanced over at the tender reunion. “More or less.”

Elma gulped. “Did you br-bring tranquilizers?”

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