I've been away from this place for a long time. Go easy on me, please.
After Pinkie Pie has a stroke, Rainbow Dash and the group learn that her life is at serious risk. Rainbow will spend the days that follow learning just how much she cares about her marefriend, and come to understand the positives and the negatives that come with devoting yourself completely to someone.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I LOVE this story soooooooooooo much.
Love this story. I'm crying right now.
4382684
I'm really flattered, thank you! If it's not too much trouble, could I ask what parts you liked most? This is so I can write better stories in the future.
You did good Song. You did good.
4385817
You get out of here, you're not allowed in this comment section! I need nonbiased opinions.
OH MY GOD! It is so well written! This is GOLD!
Too many tears.
4416797
Thanks, I appreciate the compliment.
As I was writing, I also got the feeling that perhaps Rainbow Dash was crying too much. That's really not her style, after all. Her frequent crying may have taken away from the story rather than added to it. So that is a valid mistake you've pointed out, thank you for that as well.
It's a great story so far, but some constructive criticism is never a problem
Some words are repeated an unnecessary amount of times i.e
you used the word 'down' twice in the same sentence.
The "runs to the hospital carrying dying friend; pass out as a result" cliche.
The scene with Rainbow Dash going to the bathroom and puking is a little underdeveloped. It would seem less "mechanical" if she:
. 3: ran down hall to nearest bathroom.
1: woke up. 2: got immediately sick
In that scene in your story, it seemed like she vomited on will rather than on reaction which is a little weird.
The scene with Pinkie Pie passing out on the street is also underdeveloped. It sort of happened too fast. Instead of building suspense in the earlier scene with her semi-running to the party and asking Dash to slow down, it would be better if the suspense mostly happened around the time of her leaving the party. And maybe drag it out a little bit more. Maybe add her choking for air, stumbling to the ground, thrash about, and then go limp, while Dash is in "HOLY-SHIT-WHAT-DO-I-DO" mode.
The part where Pinkie Pie asks Dashie out is underdeveloped. Rainbow Dash's word choice in both dialogue and thought didn't really express her hidden feelings too well, and Pinkie Pie just happened to find her cloud in the middle of the forest.
Also, Pinks was very fast in her dating proposal to Dash.
It can be simplified as:
"Hey"
"What?"
"Lets date!"
"Hell yeah."
I actually giggled whilst typing that dialogue.
And while this isn't a problem, what's with all the hugs!? It's Friendship Is Magic, not Friendzone Is Magic. If you're gonna ship, than you had better ship it all the way!
I am the Ship Master General, hence my name tag.
So in the first chapter she is her marefriend, but now she is just a bestfriend? What kind of sorcery is this!? I guess I was wrong in my comment on the other chapter: Friendzone IS magic!
This sentence doesn't really make much sense. The sentence parts have continuity in meaning, but it's a poor execution. Maybe just change the last part 'a treasure' to something like "... pierce my soul and leave me nearly defenseless." Anything like that should work.
Holy moly! That part really got me. I was like "Well, fuck."
Just like last chapter, unnecessary repetition.
Those should all be hyphened.
The 'Bucket' joke and the 'would you like to have s-' joke wasn't needed. If you want to evoke emotion than just know that these jokes break the immersion. Now, you could reword them and make it melodramatic, but as it currently stands they are only derailing the Feels Train.
In the last day with Pinkie near the window, it was a little too sudden. Of course, and this is getting into opinion territory, it isn't a problem, you would just expect that a disease wouldn't have such immediate effects like that with such precision timing. Some could, but I'm just sayin'.
It's a great story, and you could just end it here. No need for a hiatus.
Also, it doesn't really strike me as a story that is "special". It kind of followed a predictable storyline and it also used common things in disease/sad/death kind of stories.
And yes, there is a difference between the two.
But still, it got me moving along the Feels Train. Deserving of my fav and like.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/44923954.jpg
Hit me right in the heart.
img.photobucket.com/albums/v644/PockyAddict/Gifs%20and%20stamps/CaptainAmericaRIGHTINTHEFEELS.gif
Or rather, in your case, right in the LUNGS.
(that was the worst fucking pun ever. I know. I am now contemplating suicide)
4630043
Woah, I didn't think I would be getting any more comments on this story. Thanks for coming, Extra thanks for reading the whole thing, Special thanks for the positive feedback, and Maximum thanks for the constructive criticism!
The whole time prior to release, I was worried I'd botch this or that. Neatly enough, I seemed to botch this, that, and many other things as well. But in spite of all my botchings, you gave me an insightful and overall positive review, of which I am very glad.
On your advisory, I will declare this story finished. I don't really feel motivated to continue. I was going to do this whole thing where Dash goes through the stages of grief, attempts suicide, suffers severe hallucinations, eventually moves on, yadda yadda, but this feels like enough.
Thanks again for taking the time to give me all of your words. If you ever write something and want some insight on it, don't even hesitate to ask, friend.
hng! THE FEELS. OH GOD THE FEELS
OH THE FEELS
MY FEELS...IT'S KILLING MEH
...R.I.P Best Pony (Pinkie Pie)
*Cries*