Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
11
70
433
84
2,155
<
SteampunkBrony
Joined October 2011
821 followers
84
2,155
0
1712
50118
SteampunkBrony
11
70
433
Joined October 2011
821 followers
84
2,155
2,155 ( 13,128 )
More
Less
Comments ( 84 )
Post Comment
Refresh
Ohhh. The last part left me feeling tingly......not in that way, you perverts. This is turning out to be an interesting series. While the shifts from first to third-person viewpoints are fairly sudden, they actually flow well with the story. Although, that may turn away some readers. Additionally, the more glaring grammatical errors tended to break the rhythm of the story. Most notably is the use of a lowercase "i" within a fair amount of your sentences. With all of that said, the story is actually of good quality and a great characterization. One example of this is shown in Celestia. One can easily see her choosing any other option other than killing Starlight, even if she suspected that he harmed Luna with his dark magic. I look forward to reading more chapters in the future.
I try my best 
Well even i can't tell ya, i have the basics and i just write from there.
nice to hear, yeah i know i make quite a few capiltolization errors, but that's from years of msn. i try, but i really should be editing this in something that allows a replace. 
Also, if any of you would like to pre-read for this series, send me a message, i got none right now.
Image: http://memberfiles.freewebs.com/35/70/36777035/photos/NewComers/bison.PNG
I apologize in advance for my brutal honesty, but I feel it is necessary and hope that this could help your writing.
This story has potential, but it needs a lot of work. Primarily the formatting made it very difficult to read. By the time I got to the last two chapters, I basically stopped reading. The constant breaks and changes from third to first-person made it so disconnected, the chapters just fell apart. Writing in the first-person can be very challenging; I've tried it once before and the story didn't pan out. I'd strongly suggest sticking to either third- or first-person view and stay with it throughout the story. I'd also suggest you consider leaving links to musical inspirations out of the story or at least tuck them in with the author's notes. They are a distraction and breaks the flow of the story.
The capitalization is also a big issue. Seeing some of your comments, I know you recognize this as an area that needs improvement; however, spending years of chatting on instant messengers, in my opinion, is no excuse for what I'd call laziness. It is far easier to get into the habit of using proper capitalization while you write instead of going back and manually fixing every error.
If you can, consider adding some filler in between dialogue-heavy scenes. Show us more of the scene. We are in the royal garden: give us some more details. Describe the weather; the smells; the texture. When a character speaks, give us some internal thoughts and feelings. I don't mean internal dialogue, but show us what this character is feeling. Does the object/person/place they are interacting with make them feel a certain way? Does it remind them of anything from their past or present situation? Breathe more life into these characters, even the minor ones.
I sincerely hope you don't take this as negativity. You have some good potential here and I hope my observations can help you with your future writing. If want to do some serious improving of your writing skills, check out your favorite author (of physical novels, not online self-publications), study their writing style and their formatting and pick up some great tips from there, or join in a writing workshop class. Keep on practicing and your stories will become more enjoyable. 
Best of luck!
PS:
Also consider minimizing the use of the " . . . " It feels very overused. A simple period would work far better in many of those instances. Plus the scene where he shouted: "I. AM. FREE!"; consider showing us how he shouted outside of the quotation marks.
For example:
"I am free!" he bellowed, pausing between words. His voice echoed through the forest; the nocturnal creatures fled in terror from his thundering roar. His mad cackling intensified as he relished his new found freedom.
&
Thanks for the tips, I have been working on the whole capitalization thing, and I'm going to go back through those first few chapters and fix them for that at some point. I used to RP a fair bit and we had no one on the forum I ran to keep that kind of stuff in check, so the laziness on that stemmed from the forum chat and posting.
The POV switches are there for a reason, while the main story may be about Starlight and co. (there will be more joining them), I want to show how there is more going on than just simply him hiding from the royal sisters, plus it gives me a good way to do some exposition outside of having starlight explain everything. I dislike having one character hold all the cards of knowledge, not to mention a verbal war between the two princesses is fun to write.
As for the music, it was just something I was trying out, I mainly listed what I was listening to when I wrote the different parts of the chapter. I don't think I'll continue with it unless there is an overwhelming demand for it, since it is a little tedious to do.
Lastly, in regards to my use of the whole ... thing, I never really noticed that.
I've got about 1,411 words cranked out so far. I'm up to the part where Luna recoils from the statue. I may have to break for the night and resume tomorrow, however this week is promising very little sleep, so I may take a little longer than expected. We'll see how it goes.
I wouldn't have enough time to pre-read the rest of your chapters. I'm actually needing a pre-reader myself. I had sent in my story to Equestria Daily and I was instructed to head to the Ponychan Training Grounds to polish a few details that I'm still lacking. However I have yet to find anyone willing to point out what works and what doesn't work with my writing. I know I'm still weak in some areas, but so far I can't even get my friends to comment on any of my stories, not even my novels I'm working on. LOL.
Once I'm finished with writing the prologue, you're free to study it and pick out whatever techniques you'd want to add to your writing style. It's basically how I've been teaching myself how to write. I've been studying my favorite sci-fi novels and observing how they write and it has improved my writing by leaps and bounds. I'm still missing a few of the more subtle writing rules I'm not consciously aware of.
It's alright man, I'm in college and I can somewhat sympathize with not having free time. I may have time to pre-read your stuff though, I'm already doing so for Kapwnage (heh, that auto corrects to "Papagena"), although be warned, i don't spot much unless it's rather glaring 
It was my pleasure. It was really fun to do. (Now I have the old-school Reading Rainbow song stuck in my head. LOL!)
I'm happy you enjoyed it and I hope you can pick out some ideas and techniques from it. I might be tempted to tackle another chapter sometime in the future, but I'd like to see you "make your story shine all over Equestria!" 
(as Equestria Daily put it).
Yes it's binding, that's no secret there, however there are a few loopholes that may or may not come into play.
Oh trust me, I don't do anything to make it look cute, if there is a little silliness it's just to have a momentary break from the atmosphere, well placed comic relief and irony is needed in every story for contrast.
I'll be working on a new chapter soon.
Despite the fact that you story has intrigued me, as a person with even the slightest bit of OCD, I find it most difficult to read (as much as I would like to). It has a disturbing amount of missing capital letters (mostly I and proper nouns) and I find myself getting put off by it as I'm reading.
I hope you don't think I'm being nit picky as I really do like what I've read so far and I wish I had any writing talent. I would really like to keep reading. I just wasn't sure if you were aware you were doing it. I hope this helps in some small way.
yeah i know i do that, and i try to fix it the best i can, i usually read through these once or twice and give em a once over with the find tool to check the usual scwack of names and places, however the earlier chapters are going to need some work eventually. i'll probably do that when i'm finished i though.
Anonymous comments currently disabled. Please register to make comments
Cancel
Send