57w, 5dHuman in Equestria
Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
Part: Eleven <--sweet Celestia
Niko sat expectantly in front of Twilight, arms crossed over his lap. “Well, what have you found out?”
The unicorn shook her head. “Nothing,” she declared angrily. “I’ve got nothing. Out of every single book in this library, there isn’t a single thing on… whatever it is out here.” She made a motion towards the window, where the large abnormality remained. The shape of the statue could be seen vaguely through a swirling mist.
Niko rolled his eyes. “I thought you were supposed to be super smart pony with all the answers.” He spun his fingers in the air to add emphasis.
She deadpanned. “The sarcasm doesn’t help.”
He held up his arms. “I am sorry. I am just getting little bit irritable.”
The front door banged open and a rather angry orange earth pony stalked into the library. “Does somepony wanna’ tell me why there’s two humans tied up in my barn?” she asked with annoyance.
Brucie, who had been sitting in a far corner, looked up. “Oh damn, you found that?”
She planted a hoof on the wooden floor. “Yes, ah did. Why do y’all have to go seekin’ out my farm? First ya have ta’ go crash your metal thing there an’ kill my trees. Then y’all intoxicate my little sister. And now, I’m findin’ angry humans tied up and hidden around my farm like candy on a scavenger hunt.”
Twilight turned to glare at Niko and Brucie. “You didn’t even tell her about the two humans?”
Brucie spluttered for a reply but Applejack intervened, instead turning her gaze to Twilight. “You knew about em’ an’ you didn’t even tell me?”
“Sorry,” Twilight replied, only sounding mildly sorry. “I was a little preoccupied with the giant portal in the middle of the Everfree forest.”
Applejack dropped the annoyed expression and scratched her head. “Yeah, I was gonna’ ask you about that… So what’s the giant bubble thingy doin’ in the middle of the Everfree forest?”
Twilight brought another book forward and furrowed her brow at the cover. She set it aside and levitated another stack beside her. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out. So far nothing in any of my books has anything about it.” She raised her voice for the few final words and clasped her head in her hooves.
Applejack frowned. “Well, somethin’ needs to get done. Just an hour ago ah saw some flyin’ thing come shootin’ from that thing an’ crash into the forest.”
Niko, Brucie, and Twilight all exchanged knowing glances. “See,” Niko declared with settled anger. “I told you it would get worse.”
“Rub it in why don’t you.” Twilight gave him a stern look for a moment longer before returning her gaze to the farmpony. “There isn’t anything we can do about it right now. But please, stay away from it. And tell everypony else to do the same.”
Applejack nodded and lowered her gaze, but returned it to the lavender unicorn a moment later. “An’ just what the hay am ah supposed to do with those two humans tied up in my barn? I think that black one is right fixin’ to start eatin’ the white one.”
“Leave them tied up,” Niko answered. “We do not want them getting loose.”
Brucie walked up to the window to peer out. “Yep,” he declared. “Something definitely crashed out there.
There’s smoke coming from the Everfree forest.”
There was a brief pause where all of them looked at Brucie curiously. In a flash, a cyan shape barreled through the open window. It took Brucie by surprise and the two crashed to the floor.
Rainbow stood up on Brucie’s chest and shook her head. “What’d I hit?” she asked confusedly.
“Me,” Brucie groaned from the floor.
Rainbow looked down at him and furrowed her brow. “What are you doing down there?”
Brucie looked up at her but didn’t seem at all upset. “You kind of jumped on me,” he said with as much intimidation as possible, which right now, was very little.
The pegasus flushed. “Oh uh… sorry.” She put on an embarrassed smile and patted a scuff on his jacket. She sprang from his chest and trotted over to the rest of them, putting on an urgent tone. “You guys gotta’ come. There’s some crazy stuff going on in town.”
Twilight’s ears perked. “What’s going on?”
“Well for one, ponies are starting to notice the water tower is gone.” Rainbow rubbed her chin, thinking. “Oh yeah.” She grabbed twilight on both sides and shook the lavender unicorn up and down. “Sweetie Belle got electrocuted and there was this big flash of light and now she’s gone!”
Twilight shoved the cyan mare away. Her eyes spun in her sockets for a moment and she shook her head to right them. “Slow it down,” she eased. “Now, what happened?”
Rainbow took a deep breath. “Sweetie Belle’s gone. All the ponies in the town are freaking out.”
Twilight’s mouth fell agape. “Of course they’d be freaking out! They just watched a filly get electrocuted and disappear!”
“Hold it!” Applejack yelled. “Why in the hay are ponies gettin’ electrocuted and disappearin’!?”
Niko pointed out the window. “Big portal thingy.”
Brucie picked himself up and dusted his pants. “Think we should go, you know, stop all the ponies from going crazy? They don’t even handle seeing zebra’s very well. How do you think they’re reacting to a filly disappearing?”
Twilight cocked her head at him. “How do you know this!?”
“Ah know, right?” Applejack added.
“It is because Brucie is weird,” Niko cut in. “Now let us go help townsponies.”
Twilight nodded vigorously, obviously unsettled. “Right. Let’s go and tell them that there is a giant portal teleporting ponies to a place where humans want to kill everything they see. That’ll go over well.”
Niko shrugged. “It is better than letting them panic.”
“Never mind,” Twilight declared, levitating a book up from the ground. “I have research to do. You four go and tell the townsponies why things are disappearing… while I try to find out why things are disappearing!”
Niko started towards the door and made an arm movement for the rest of them to follow. He jogged to the door and held it open for the others to exit. When Applejack, Rainbow, and Brucie had crossed through, he followed himself.
The sense was knocked out of him as he bashed his head on the door arch. “Shit!” He stooped over, holding his forehead. “Fucking pony door. Gets me every time!” He staggered out and closed the door behind him. “Okay,” he declared, rubbing his eyes. “Let us go find panicking ponies.”
“Niko,” Brucie said levelly. “I think that we have a problem.”
Niko closed his eyes, rolling them under the lids. “What could possibly be worse than big bubble transporting ponies to Liberty City?” he asked with deep exasperation.
Brucie squeaked. Rainbow answered for him. “Guess.”
He opened his eyes. “Okay what…” He trailed off. The patch of ground they were standing on was slowly lifting into the air, a translucent blue bubble of electricity encircling them. “Son of bitch,” he awed.
“Can ah just go back to the farm?” Applejack sank low to the ground, looking around frantically.
Niko’s jaw trembled. “I have good feeling this is happening at farm too.”
The bubble around them began to pulsate and crackle with energy, filling the small space with a low hum. Niko looked back at the library, which appeared fine. “Well shit, this is going to suck.”
“Why are those things with the flashy lights following us?” Pinkie asked, looking out the back window of the Hummer.
“Because!” Roman called back over the roar of the engine, sounding flustered. “I sped through a stoplight and hit a hooker!” He took a heavy lefthand corner and Pinkie bounced off the passenger side window.
“Well why can’t we just stop and tell them to leave us alone?” she asked, rubbing her head.
Roman’s eye twitched. “Because if they catch us bad things happen.”
Pinkie bounced in her seat. “Ooooooh! So it’s like a game of tag?”
“Yes,” Roman replied quickly as he swerved around a taxicab. “Only they cannot catch us or there is big trouble.”
Pinkie smiled in semi-understanding. “Okey dokey!”
Roman took off the side mirror of a taxicab as he barreled by. “Sorry!” he yelled back. Roman’s attention was suddenly drawn away from the road. He spotted something resembling a cat as they passed a side street. His mind skipped a beat. There weren’t cats in Liberty City. If Liberty didn’t have cats, then what was that in the alley?
“Little pony!” Roman bellowed, eyes going wide. He stomped the brake pedal and the monster of a vehicle slid to a stop. He cranked the wheel left and pulled the Hummer back around. Police cars banked left and right as Roman charged them head on. One wasn’t quite fast enough. The bumper of the Hummer clipped the rear fender, sending the police car into a roll.
Pinkie stuck her tongue out and pressed it to the window. “Tathe thath!” she yelled happily.
Roman turned onto the side street and pulled pinkie away from the window by the tail. “Don’t lick the glass. It leaves smudges.”
He eyed the white and purple shape he had spotted from the street. “Ha ha!” he jeered. “I knew it!” Roman slowed the hummer as he approached the small shape.
“Knew what?” Pinkie asked.
Roman pointed out the window. “Little pony… What is little pony doing here?”
The filly spotted the Hummer and froze, eyes widening in fear. She turned and bolted.
“Wait!” Roman hollered. “I am here to help you!” The filly didn’t stop, and why would it? He turned to Pinky. “You tell little pony; it will listen to you.”
Pinkie bobbed her head and rolled down her automatic window with a forehoof. “Hey, Sweetie Belle! Heeeeey! Hey you! It’s us! Pinkie and Roman! Stop running!” The little shape stopped and turned back on them. “Come on!” Pinkie yelled, gesturing towards the hummer.
“Damn it,” Roman growled. “This is taking too long.” He pushed open his door and hopped out. “Come on!” He ran towards the little pony, who shrank back. Sirens wailed as police cars filed in behind the Hummer. Roman scooped up the little pony and sprinted back to the Hummer, his lack of exercise starting to become apparent.
He tossed Sweetie Belle in the back seat and climbed back up into the cab. Roman crammed his foot down on the accelerator right as the lead police car was reaching them. He hopped up and down in his seat, eyes popping and breath coming in quick gasps. “Go, go, go,” he urged.
At the T in the intersection ahead he mashed the brakes. The hummer slid and the hood turned to the left. Roman pressed the gas and started forward. A police car that had not had taken the preferred action of braking slammed into the left front fender from the side. Roman bounced sideways in the seat and his head smacked against the window. His eyes rolled to the top of his skull and his head flopped onto the steering wheel, setting off the horn.
Pinkie watched with horrified excitement as police cars encircled the vehicle. She prodded Roman in the side. “Wake up,” she insisted.
“What’s going on?” Sweetie Belle panicked from the back seat. “Where am I? How’d I get here!?”
Pinkie swung on her. “We’re playing tag, and if the thing with the lights catch us we lose! And they’re about to catch us!”
Sweetie Belle looked around out the windows frantically. “This isn’t tag!”
“Hurry!” Pinkie commanded. She pushed Roman off of the steering wheel. His head rolled to the left to rest against the window. Pinkie hopped onto his lap and poised her front hooves on the steering wheel. “I saw Roman do it! It’s easy, but I need your help.” She looked back at the little filly. “Come on!”
Sweetie Belle shook her head, attempting to clear it. “What do I need to do?”
“Get out of the car and place your hands on your head!” blared a loud voice from the police megaphone. “You have ten seconds!”
Pinkie motioned towards the floor panel. “You see those pedal thingys?”
“Ten!” the man yelled over the megaphone.
Sweetie Belle nodded. “Uh hu.”
Police cars completely encircled the Hummer. Officers hopped out of their vehicles, taking aim with pistols and shotguns over the hoods and trunks of their vehicles.
“Climb down there and hop on the metal thingy on the right,” Pinkie instructed.
Sweetie Belle did as she was told. She hopped over the center console and down to the floor. She pressed her hooves to the pedal and the engine of the vehicle roared. The Hummer didn’t move.
Pinkie thumped the steering wheel. “Come on, go!” she commanded. The engine continued to roar as the filly pressed down on the gas pedal, but they weren’t moving.
“Five!” the voice yelled nervously. “Turn off the fucking vehicle!” he added.
Pinkie noticed a small lever to the right of the steering wheel. Roman’s hand was poised on it. She nuzzled his hand away and examined it. The device appeared to move. It was in the middle position. On either side was a picture of a cartoon car going forward and another going backwards.
A wide grin crept across her face. “Let’s get ready to paaaaarty!” She shoved the lever forward with a hoof and there was a heavy clunk as the engine changed pitches. The whole vehicle jerked forward as it was shoved into gear and the tires threw up billows of gray smoke. Police officers dodged as the monstrous vehicle barreled forward. The front tire struck the hood of a police car and the Hummer flattened it, rolling over the top of the smaller vehicle.
Gun muzzles flashed to life as the officers opened up on the vehicle. The windshield shattered and pinkie was forced to shield her eyes. When she opened them again, they were heading directly for a wall. She screamed and jerked the wheel to the right. The vehicle swayed and returned to the center of the road.
“What the hay is going on up there!?” Sweetie Belle called.
“I think we’re winning!” Pinkie replied joyously. A few bullets pinged off the heavy rear bumper as they left the devastated police cars in the dust. “Yeeeeehaw!” she jeered. “Take that you big meanies!”
Roman’s head lolled to and fro as the Hummer rounded corners. Once or twice Pinkie misjudged a corner and bounced the vehicle off a wall or clipped another vehicle. “Hey,” she commented idly. “I’m getting pretty good at this.”
“Can you still see the lights?” Sweetie belle asked, peering up at Pinkie between Roman’s legs.
Pinkie glanced at the rearview mirror. “Yep!” she declared cheerfully. They blew by a few shapes on the sidewalk. Pinkie did a double take. “Wait!” she yelled to the filly on the gas pedal. “Hit the other thingy, I think I saw somepony I know!”
Niko blinked in the bright sunlight that hadn’t been there a moment ago. He looked around. They were in Liberty City. He and Brucie were in Liberty City with two ponies. This was not good. He looked down at the patch of grass sporting a cobbled walkway the four were poised on. Around it sat concrete sidewalk.
“Whoa,” Brucie awed absently.
Rainbow looked around at the surrounding building, eyes lighting up like headlights. “What is this place?” she balked.
Niko swallowed hard and clasped his hands to his head. “No, oh no, no, no. I am back in Liberty City… and there are ponies with me.”
Applejack flinched as a blue car passed by on the street. “Gah,” she cried. “Hide the apple trees!”
Another vehicle passed, this one red. The taillights lit up and the vehicle slid to a stop. The one behind it smashed into the back. The two drivers didn’t even seem to notice the accident. Instead, they were gaping at the two ponies on the sidewalk.
“Niko,” Brucie said quietly as a jogger slowed and began to jog in place, staring openly at Rainbow. “We need to get them out of here.”
“Right.” Niko looked around. There were streets everywhere. “Let us just move before too many people start to build up.”
Brucie looked around. “Niko man, that’s not gonna’ work. Liberty City is packed.”
Niko held out his arms. “Well what the fuck do we do?”
A pedestrian hopped out of their crashed vehicle and pointed at the odd group. “Nice dog man!” he jeered.
“Quick,” Brucie hissed, Scooping up Applejack. “Hide a pony in your jacket!”
“What in tarnation are ya’ doin’!?” Applejack protested.
Brucie brought the indignant earth pony up to his chest and folded his jacket over the mare, covering everything but her head. “Hiding you,” he replied. “Just until we get away from this place.” He pulled her hat down to cover her face.
Niko looked down at Rainbow, who glared at him for a moment before hopping up into his arms. “Fine,” she groaned. “But you have no idea how much I don’t want to hide in your animal skin jacket.”
Niko folded his jacket over the cyan pegasus so that only her ears poked out. He and Brucie walked hurriedly off before the conjuring crowd of onlookers could follow.
After about five minutes, they had left that street behind, and were now walking hastily down a side street. Apart from a few curious glances and chuckles from passing pedestrians, everything was going fairly well.
“You smell like Winona after she’s been rollin’ in the mud,” Applejack complained to Brucie.
Niko scoffed. “Is that new aftershave?” he asked sarcastically.
“Hey, what’s this thing?” Rainbow wondered aloud, her voice muffled inside the jacket.
Niko frowned. “What is—” He was interrupted by a loud bang as the side of his jacket blew out. “Shit!” he swore. He let go of the folds of his jacket and the rainbow mare tumbled onto the sidewalk. He hurriedly reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pistol, smoke still flowed in thin wisps from the barrel.
He glared down at Rainbow, who appeared to be trying to sink through the ground. “You almost shot me!” he yelled.
“Sorry,” she replied hurriedly. “I didn’t mean to.”
Niko sighed, returning the gun to his pocket. He couldn’t stay mad. He could hold a grudge with anyone but that rainbow colored mare.
A black Hummer blasted by, followed by seven police cars, sirens blaring. Niko pointed angrily. “That is my car!”
The brake lights lit up and the hummer pulled a one-eighty. Police cars dodged as the Hummer raced back at them. Niko’s mouth fell agape. “No,” he awed. There was a very familiar pink pony behind the wheel.
The monstrous vehicle screeched to a stop beside them and Pinkie hung her head out the window. “Get in!” she yelled. “Before they catch us. I don’t want to be it!”
Niko continued to balk. “Why are you driving my car!?”
Pinkie motioned towards Roman, who was still in the driver’s seat. “Because somebody fell asleep! Now get in the thing before we lose!”
Niko picked up Rainbow and ran around to the passenger side. He tossed the mare in the back seat and climbed up into the passenger seat. Brucie climbed into the back as well and let a rather flustered Applejack out of his jacket.
“Punch it Sweetie Belle!” Pinkie yelled. The engine roared and the Hummer shot forward.
“How the hay did you get here Pinkie?” Rainbow asked, trying to maintain her balance while standing on the back seat.
The pink pony shrugged and pulled the wheel hard to the left. “I don’t know. I just woke up at Roman’s house and I didn’t know where I was so I got scared and ran away then Roman saved me from a bunch of zombies and now we’re playing tag.” The turn succeeded and throwing Rainbow against the door.
Roman’s head rolled back and forth as the Hummer took corners at speeds even Niko wouldn’t attempt. “You are going to get us killed!” Niko yelled to Pinkie.
She turned angrily to him. “Nuh uh!”
Niko reached over and slapped Roman. “Wake up!” he yelled.
Roman’s eyes shot open and he flailed his arms wildly. “Wha, what is it!? What is going on!?”
Niko pointed at the pony driving the hummer. “Why did you let psycho pony drive!?”
Roman’s eyes widened and he looked at the pink pony on his lap. “Why is pink pony driving!?”
“Well you tell me.” Niko crossed his arms over his lap expectantly. “You steal my car and let crazy pony drive it…”
Roman glared. He raised his arms and bashed them on the steering wheel, setting off the horn each time as Pinkie continued to steer. “I did not let pink pony drive! I hit my head and passed out. Then you wake me up and she is driving!”
Niko threw his arms around as well. “Well then why—”
Pinkie turned a furious gaze on both of them, fire shone in her eyes. “If you both don’t stop arguing I will turn this thing around!”
They both quieted. Roman pointed an accusing finger at Niko. “He started it.”
Niko pointed a finger out the window, only managing to get off a gruff yell before it was too late. The Hummer hit the upturned slab of asphalt and took a leap into the air. The police cars skidded to a stop behind them. The officers watched, dumbstruck, as the Hummer took to the air team rocket style and disappeared behind the treetops. For some strange reason the entire scene seemed to take place in slow motion.
“We’ve lost sight of them!” yelled one officer.
Another replied on the radio. “Well if we can’t see them they must be gone. Call off the chase, pretend we didn’t run over any pedestrians, and arrest some hobo and say it was him.”
<= I can't believe this is at 11 parts.
<= I really hate to be a self advertising butt. But I have put a lot more work and a lot more time into another story that I have much more passion for, Undead Equestria. If you like really long stories and light hearted grimdark about zombie ponies, then I would recommend this fic to you.
Thanks for following me this far.