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Twilight has a hypothesis that she's willing to test, and Pinkie has treats she's willing to deliver.
When the two of them realize that their feelings align, the pair must decide what comes after the textbook jump into romance.
I guess I should mention here, before the story, that this will not turn into a clopfic. I Pinkie Promise. Let the burrito assuage your fears and just enjoy the Twinkie's sweetness.
>>359143 The same could be said of any type of story in any medium. When you boil everything down, obviously you're going to get a lot of very similar stories at their core. It's execution, variation, and combination that make stories worth reading. If you don't want to read shipfics, don't read shipfics, but don't get presumptuous because you'd rather read something else.
Twinkie, so much delicious Twinkie.
MMMMmmmmmm
OH, how spoiled I feel. Sitting here in this chair, with a nice helping of Twinkies. BUT OH, are they good. I just keep getting more! We've been getting so many Twinkie's lately. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THOUGH. Great to seem them, really. These things are amazing.
Twinkie is a great ship. It's all magic and cupcakes. 
Thanks for reading.
Why thank you. I'm not sure what you mean by type, but I suppose you could say that I've written one "traditional" ship fic that began with a dramatic get together and progressed to near-clop levels (that one cannot be found anywhere), a fluff piece or snapshot fic, a one-shot goofy get together fic, and then this one which will be more along the lines of interpersonal interaction including the entire Mane Six. So I guess you could say that this is my fourth type.
I agree completely. TwiPie is so neglected it's tragic. 
Thank you for reading; I'm glad you enjoyed it!
What can I say? I'm obsessed. 
Glad you liked it. I hope it'll continue to suit your fancy.
Yes. There has been so much delicious Twinkie lately. So much delicious Twinkie. 
To me that sounds like a designer trying to sell two different suits, the only difference
is one has a Bow tie and the other doesn't.
Its different but for ME I think it doesn't make a difference.
They are both suits that i want, ill take either one, but if I
want to buy something else and its another suit, it gets a bit redundant.
I don't hate ship fics, im subscribed to a shipping group! I never once
said i didn't want to read it, i was simply pointing out that im finding
all of these stories a bit similar. They are drying out, so to speak.
But that's just me, I wasn't speaking for a general audience. I was speaking
for myself. I love Twinkie Shipping, one of my favorites, i just wish for less of the
Checklist like flow they have to them; or at least that's how i think they feel.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
"To me that sounds like a designer trying to sell two different suits, the only difference
is one has a Bow tie and the other doesn't."
It's more like two suits that are differently coloured, of different cuts, and made for different occasions. It's redundant if you just want a suit. They're both suits. If you go beyond the most basic purpose, however, each suit is vibrant and different, and easily appreciable on their own for their separate merits. Lumped into a group, though, they remain just two more suits in the pile.
As for the checklist type feel, that's present in a lot of writing (especially romance). Like I said, we follow the same basic plot structures but it's the embellishment that really matters. There are some notable exceptions, though.
Excellent work so far and I'm really interested in where this going.
Too many fics end right when the relationship is starting, which works fine for some pieces but I feel more Ship Fics should focus on the ups and downs of a pairing's love life. Really explore how the characters would deal with this sort of thing. In one of Donny boy's works it describes an entirety of a relationship in a blink of time "There is yelling, and there is crying, and there is laughing. There is fighting and making up and hanging on and letting go--and, above all, there is love." it's a really great example of how Love isn't all a bed of roses and that a lot of conflict is internal as well as external.
in short:
Upvote, and tracking. 
Whoops. I'll fix that right up. Sometimes I wax a little too formal, and Pinkie doesn't like it.
I agree. I think I've said before that I'm not particularly interested in writing shipfics that are primarily the get together story because I don't feel like I have much to offer there that hasn't already been done a thousand times over. What I am interested in and what I have a good portion of ideas for is the actual relationship and the dynamics that work and don't work. And Donny Boy is one of my favorites.
Thank you for reading.
I can understand where you are coming from completely.
However, what I am attempting to accomplish here is something different from what I've normally written and seen which takes place after the getting together. I see this chapter as a sort of necessary evil before getting to the meat of the story; yes, it's cliche, but it's important for allowing the reader to get where they need to be before I can start mixing it up. I actually made fun of this part a bit in the description by calling it a "textbook jump into romance" which is where I'm assuming your original statement came from. I'm sorry if I'm adding to the tedium of predictable shipfics, but I am hoping to make it a more interesting in the chapters to come.
Regardless of whether you decide to keep reading or not, thank you for reading this chapter and giving your input.
Very cute. Normally I would give a detailed explanation of what I liked and disliked, but no time for that right now.
I will say, however, that I feel you go a bit Purple at times. The prose is heavy, which is fine for the introduction to set the mood, but it doesn't lighten up at all. There's a bit too much detail, which disrupts the "flow" of the story somewhat.
But that's all for now. Still going to track it :).
You seem to have a really good handle on the voices of the individual characters. I don't think there needs to be a lot of narration in conversations when the author writes them so well that you can distinguish between the two just by the way something is said.
YES. Great chapter! I espeially love Rarity's reaction; far too often she's portrayed as the homophobe, when I see her as somepony who dearly, sincerly believes in true love and would never, ever take that away from somepony or dismiss it as "ridiculous" when it's so much more than that. That's part of the reason why she's my 2nd favorite pony, along with Pinkie, with twilight at the top. But i digress.
I also applaud for not having any of the ponies be the generic homophobes(I just can't see any of them to be like that) nor have the generic everypony accepts it right away(which I have guiltily used in a shipping fic I willl never, ever upload to this site) but instead went with the far better "the friends just don't see it working and don't want either of them to get hurt" which is more realistic, more in character, and a better source of conflict. Though Rainbow? I'm guessing has a crush on one of them, at least that's the vibe I got from her, and I hope it's Twilight, cause I hate RainbowPie, though judging by the fact Rainbow glances at Pinkie before flying, I think that's what you're going for, unless t's an angry jealous glance I don't know, AJ's definitely the type of pony to see the "practical" side of things rather than the emotional. the one thing that bugs me about shipping fics is that the one constant in all coming out scenes is Fluttershy always accepting it. I've even seen Twilight be against it once(though from a different reason than homophobia) and Pinkie's been jealous. Fluttershy though? She's always A-OK with it. now having her be the one against it would be a shocking swerve. But that has little to do with your fic.
One last note, and this maybe my paranoid, crazy shipping goggles, but am I seeing something there between Fluttershy and Rarity? i hope so, because I love that ship and it is dreadfully underrated. But enough of my wild tangents, basically, good chapter!
Oh, forgot to mention nice Twipie interaction. from twilight being nervous/confident(confidenervous?) and Pinkie always being supportive, Spike being the little bro who gags at it, the two being happy, the two comforting each other, telling each other why they love each other(sucker for those scenes). But I especially like the callback to Putting Your Hoof Down. Maybe it's because I've written a fic based on that ep, but I love callbacks to it, and I recall Donny's Boy saying that that day of being called frivolous and pointless would affect Pinkie forever and I totally agree. It deepens Pinkie's and Fluttershy's characters.
Huh. Rarity was always the last pony I would think was a homophobe; she always came across as a classic romantic to me. (She is fabulous pony.)
All will be revealed in time. Including a little something else in mind with Fluttershy. But I've already said too much. 
Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I'm really looking forward to next few.
That's very odd.
Being compaired to Donny's Boy? The man's a brilliant wordsmith, and his TwiPie is in a whole different level of amazing. I'm just glad I can pound out a few good phrases every now and again. 
Oop. Just saw your little add on on the first comment. I love writing mushy stuff, which is very apparent, and I try to do my best to be fair not to let one person or pony have more of an upper hand/hoof in the relationship. But oh man, Putting Your Hoof Down, while an excellent episode, hurts me to watch because that's some serious stuff being said. I wrote an analysis on it when it came out, so obviously I put way more thought into it than I should have, but I think it's important to keep in mind.
Rarity's and Fluttershy's invitation to the spa sounds awfully like a double date to me.... But my shipping goggles may be tricking me. They do that often.
True, but so are yours. Alliteration, for example, was a clever and original tale, deeper than it first appears(loved the little line about the sadness in Pinkie's eyes for example), and tastefully saucy.
Shipping goggles are the best goggles.
Oh Alliteration. I will always have you to thank for opening the door into the TwiPie community. And I will always remember you as the story I wrote that frightened people into thinking I had tricked them into reading a clopfic.
You're flattering me, sir.
actually there is a fic where flutterhy is not A-OK with it from the beginning and is one of the mare 6 which needs the most time to accepts it.
granted she is not against this. she is just confused of the why and how and it's not a mayor part of the Plot.
Actually i can't see Fluttershy being against this love, or if she is she would never ... admit to it.
Huh that’s actually a good Story idea. Two of Fluttershy friends start a relationship, she is against it but to nice to say anything against it, and then the Story follows Fluttershy and how she comes in terms with that.
To bad I'm a bad writer 
damn i think my shipping-googles are broken because i haven’t seen the Rarishy 
, but noticed that Rainbow has ulterior motives to be against that Relationship
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks there is so much more to Pinkie than being a party pony. I've always imagined her as the type to put on that giggly, happy persona in front of everyone while bottling up all of her true emotions. Like being "just Pinkie". Really well done there.
What fun would just party Pinkie be?
Nah, I really think that there's a lot more to Pinkie than meets the eye, and maybe I tend to read far too much into her character but she's always fascinated me. What is going on your pink little head?
I'm glad you're enjoying.
She lives in the cupcake, yeah. But in Read It and Weep she's in a completely different house. So for the express purpose of this narrative (and the fact that A Friend in Deed's opening completely slipped my mind 
) she lives there.
I went back and fixed it. Boy howdy am I making stupid mistakes lately.
Not that I agree with the view - I agree with your assessment that Rarity is a romantic who would never frown on anypony's love - but I think Rarity gets the "homophobe" role not because of her upper-class attitude, but simply because she is the only member of the Mane Six that has canonically expressed interest in stallions. Because she is the one pony who cannot be gay (though she can certainly be bisexual), she gets chosen to be the dissenting voice.
As for Fluttershy... the objection isn't due to orientation, but Fluttershy is the last pony to come around to her friend coming out in Thunder and Lightning. As an interesting aside, it has a Rarity that, while not exactly homophobic, doesn't understand being gay and has some stereotypical preconceptions.
Yeah, that makes sense. And that interpretation of Rarity(not understanding it and having sterotypical views unintentionally) is better, and is one I'd like to see on other ponies(AJ or Twilight, being more sheltered/practical, for example) but I'm glad we both agree that Rarity is a diehard romantic.
Just finished up till this point. I was a little confused at first because I thought the story was already finished when I looked at it on your profile, and then I realized I''d misread the description.
Anyway, I like how it has progressed so far. I'm not too sure I understand Applejack and Rainbow Dash's doubts, but I'm hoping you'll go more into that in future chapters so it gets better explained. Other than that I can't say much other than that I like where it is going and look forward to how it continues. I wouldn't mind hearing what Celestia has to say, for instance, or how the CMCs might react.
Hi! *waves*
Pinkie practically beamed at her, “You got me!”
I am hearing this said in the same tone of voice as she used in the desert scene from "Over a Barrel." Which I love. Nice call-back to the show, by the way.
Pinkie rubbed at her eyes furiously and donned an unconvincing grin, “Don’t worry. I’m just being a silly little Pinkie, crying over spilled cupcakes.”
Aww! Pinkie! I liked Pinkie's half-hearted fib here. Seemed in-character, and it made my heart have a sad.
Twilight planted a soft kiss on Pinkie’s cheek, still slightly salty from tears, “My hypothesis is that I also harbor affections for you of the romantic category. Furthermore, it states that I would very much like to kiss you now if you will let me.”
That is completely adorkable. Just like "You got me!" seemed very apropos for Pinkie, this bit of nerdiness seems very appropriate for Twi. Also, she asked if she could kiss her. Awww.
Twilight moved towards the earth pony to nuzzle her cheek once more, “I more than liked it; I loved it! Pinkie, you are flabbergasting!”
“Is that a good thing?”
“It’s the best thing.”
You write some of the cutest TwiPie dialogue, if not THE cutest. Twilight calling Pinkie "flabbergasting," and Pinkie asking if that's a good thing, is possibly the best thing ever.
Other things I liked: Twilight's methodological thinking process and questioning of Pinkie. The perfectly toasted frosting (I really fell in love with that detail, for some reason). "Flabbergasting" (which I already mentioned, but I like it so much, I'm mentioning it again).
One part that gave me pause was here:
Pinkie answered in a very matter-of-factly tone, “Now we let everypony else know and accept our feelings.”
I can buy Pinkie being all steam ahead, let's tell the gang we're fillyfriends now, but I was a bit surprised that Twilight didn't want to take things more slowly and cautiously. They've never even been on an actual date yet, y'know? I think the ending of this chapter might have worked a bit better if you'd either included more of Twilight's internal thoughts on why she's cool moving so fast (especially as she's JUST realized, at least consciously, that she likes Pinkie too) or have extended the chapter a bit to allow them to establish a bit of a baseline as a couple.
Spike made his way down the stairs, “I slept great! Um… Why is Pinkie here? No offense, Pinkie.”
“None taken!”
Ha! I love Spike's bluntness--such a little kid thing--and Pinkie's cheerful lack of offense. That's perfect for both of these characters.
Spike blinked a few times before laughing, “You’ve got to be kidding me! Is this some kind of joke? Pinkie Pie? Aw, that is hilarious!”
This is great. I could HEAR Spike saying that, that's how perfect this dialogue is. I do think there should have been a bit more in between this and his "Okay," though--like maybe him peppering Twi with questions, "How? When? Where? ... WHY?" 'Cause from his perspective, this must've seemed quite sudden.
Spike gazed longingly down the stairs as the scent of pancakes wafted up from below, “Can we please go have breakfast now?”
"Enough of this mushy stuff! There is a PROFESSIONAL COOK down in that kitchen making us breakfast. Let's GO."
Pinkie spun around to grab her own plate, scooping up a container of chocolate sauce Twilight knew for a fact hadn’t been there earlier, “Whoopsie! Sorry Spike!” She swung around the counter, scootching into the chair right next to Twilight, “It’s so so hard to keep my hooves to myself these days!”
First, I really liked "... Twilight knew for a fact hadn't been there earlier." Hee. I was confused by Pinkie's reference to "these days," though. I'd assumed this was the morning after Pinkie's confession and their first kiss, but that statement seems to suggest they've been together a little while.
Pinkie’s mouth darted in and stole a chunk of pancake off Twilight’s fork, “You snooze you lose, Twilight!”
Twilight smiled, "I guess you're right."
MEANINGS. I dig it. Really love the way this closed out the chapter.
One point of possible improvement: I found the pacing in this chapter a bit fast. I would've liked to have seen things slowed down a bit, so we could get more internal monologue, more insights into the thoughts and the emotions of all three characters during this chapter. In particular, I would've loved a bit more of the Pinkie 'n Spike bonding towards the end.
... what she was playfully referring to as their “sordid love affair” (much to Twilight’s chagrin)."
Tee hee! I really like Pinkie referring to their new relationship as that and it embarrassing the heck out of Twilight. That's cute.
“Whenever you want to,” Pinkie stated slowly, “But are you sure you’re ready? Last night…”
Okay, so it WAS last night. *nod* Yeah, I definitely think it would've been stronger if there was more explanation or more showing of Twilight progressing from "I don't know how I feel" to realizing "I'm in love with Pinkie Pie." It seems pretty sudden and out of the blue to me, as currently written.
Twilight’s lower lip jutted out in a mock pout, “Aw. Come on. Give me a smile smile smile?”
Pinkie’s tail swished out behind her and she tossed her mane haughtily, “I don’t know…”
I AM DEAD NOW. DEAD FROM ADORABILITY OVERLOAD. Oh gosh! Twilight quoting "Smile, Smile, Smile" at Pinkie is just ... hnngh! And then Pinkie's "I don't know ...", which I am hearing in the exact same tone as she used in "Baby Cakes" after the Cakes finally asking her to foal-sit.
I want to marry this dialogue, that is how much I love it. Seriously, you're the master of cute TwiPie flirting.
“Because you never don’t do things just because you’re nervous.”
I love the double negative. That just feels very appropriate for Pinkie and her speaking mannerisms. Also, I like that she has the insight to have seen and realized this about Twilight. That's a nice touch. Pinkie alternates between moments of utter obliviousness and surprising perceptiveness in canon, and I think the fanon tends to lean heavily towards her oblivious side--it's nice to see her perceptiveness displayed here.
She paused. Pinkie brushed against Twilight’s side again, and Twilight found the breath to continue, “Pinkie and I are in love.”
Oh, Twilight. I cringed so hard right here. Of all the awkward phrasing that unicorn could've used ... but it felt appropriate for Twilight, to phrase things in a somewhat pretentious way like this.
Pinkie was the one to step forward, her voice slightly lower than normal, “It’s not ridiculous.”
My. Heart. Is. Breaking.
But I bought it--AJ and Dash aren't subtle characters, nor are either of them prone to filtering their thoughts. It seemed believable to me that they'd blurt out their disbelief as they did.
Rarity cut Pinkie off, “Ponyfeathers!”
Rarity! WHOO! As others said above, I can buy this from Rarity, too. Especially as I suspect she's just trying to restore balance to the group after Applejack and Rainbow Dash knocked the wind right outta Twi and Pinkie's sails.
Also, her bowling over Fluttershy is totally in character too, as is 'Shy immediately folding to Rarity. Makes me wonder what Fluttershy REALLY thinks about all this.
Rainbow Dash glanced around the room at the various ponies, tail lashing out behind her. Her eyes rested on Pinkie for a moment before she took to the air, “Whatever. Have fun driving each other crazy. I’m out of here.” With that she sped out the window.
I am deeply, deeply suspicious of your intentions. My suspicions are that you are going to break my little RainbowPie-loving heart, and I shall not be able to ever forgive you for that!
(I am maybe being a little melodramatic right now. Maaaaybe.)
Clearly, SOMETHING is going on with Dash, which is good, 'cause she is being a huge jerk here. I will withhold further comments and thoughts until we get to see more of what's up with Dash. Ditto AJ.
Pinkie’s smile took on a tilt of sadness, “I’m just the party pony. That’s all.”
Whhhhhhyyyy? Why are you doing this to my poor, battered heart? *sniff!*
I think this is my favorite part of the chapter. (PATHOS.) The callback to "Putting Your Hoof Down," plus Pinkie showing that Dash and AJ's overly simplistic description of her--and of Twi--got under her skin. Because she's not "just" the party pony. I also really liked the phrase "a tilt of sadness" ... almost poetic, that.
Pinkie stared blankly at the unicorn; it seemed to her that it was always a good idea to throw a party. Where was Twilight coming from?
"B-b-but ... PARTY, Twilight! I'm talking about a PARTY."
She could try to sleep here in the library, but that would mean waking up even earlier so she could make it to the bakery on time.
Is it really THAT far from the Library to the bakery? *scratches head*
Twilight instantly lit up with joy and Pinkie praised Celestia that she finally did something right.
Awww, you do LOTS of things right, Pinkie! Though I could see her feeling this way, especially after a moment where Twilight's just gotten all exasperated at her, as Twilight is wont to do.
Also, Pinkie should be praising Luna, as it's Luna she asked for strength. Tsk, tsk, Pinkie. And after everything you put that poor princess through on Nightmare Night, too. FOR SHAME.
Pinkie puffed out her chest proudly, “Since two days ago!”
*snort* Okay, as a queer man, I have to share with you the following trite, hoary joke--and my apologies if you are already familiar with it and/or hate it with a fiery passion--as it is relevant here ...
What does a lesbian bring to a second date?
A U-Haul!
What does a gay man bring to a second date?
What second date?
This isn't completely accurate or even widely accurate--my dating tendencies always leaned "U-Haul," myself--but there is a teensy tiny grain of truth to it. And lordy, Twi and Pinkie are U-Hauling like there ain't no tomorrow.
Pinkie nuzzled Twilight’s cheek with her own, “I knew the Cakes would be happy! I knew it! I knew it!”
ADORBS. I love how ecstatic she is, how completely obvious this simple bit of dialogue makes it how much she cares about the Cakes (and the Cakes care about her). That's lovely to include.
Pinkie responded a tad too loudly, “My ears are esoteric zones!”
BWA HA HA HA HA! That is quality. Oh, Pinkie Pie. I 
you. I you so hard.
Pinkie backed up and tapped her chin in thought, “Why would you call me that? That’s just weird, Twilight.”
Hee! Really, I'm tempted to quote this entire mini-argument, as it's hilarious how Pinkie and Twi keep talking at cross-purposes and completely misunderstanding one another. I also really enjoyed "Aha! You admit it!" which I am hearing said in the tone of voice that Pinkie used in her big j'accuse! scenes in "MMMystery on the Friendship Express."
Also, OH EM GEE, voyeuristic Cakes! Hee. They got what was coming to 'em.
Also, part deux, I think the pacing for this chapter and the last was an improvement on the first two chapters. For whatever it's worth. Can't wait to read chapter 5!
Thank you so much for such in-depth feedback! I'm glad that you're enjoying it so far.
I agree that the first two chapters are really poorly paced. It's pretty obvious that I was just trying to get to the part that I wanted to write and thus didn't give these parts the attention they deserved. I'm going to have to go back later on and slow it way up. Especially the second chapter with Spike waaay too fast there.
I wrestled so long about whether or not to say "we're in love" just like that, so I'm glad that it works. Oh Twilight, you're so adorably awkward.
Who me? What on earth would make you suspect I had any ulterior motives at all? 
Another part I worried over that worked well? I'm glad people are giving me the benefit of the doubt with Rainbow and Applejack. We'll get to understand soon. As soon as I get my butt in gear. 
And finally the fourth chapter. Oh, fourth chapter, how you are filled with things that made sense when I wrote you but do no longer. I'm pretty sure this one is going to get an overhaul when I'm done (or stuck, whichever happens first) because Sugarcube Corner isn't far from the library at all.
Anyway, thanks again for the feedback! I'm trying to keep in mind the mistakes of the past to keep from repeating them in the future, so hopefully it'll only get better as we go!
Also, what are you doing making a girl blush so much about her dialog? I really like dialog. It's probably one of my favorite things to write as well as what normally comes easiest. Nothing like getting told your favorite part is working well!
You're very welcome! I try to make up for the lack of quantity of my reviews with quality. Or wordiness. Wordiness is LIKE quality, right?
Totally feel you on wanting to just get through the chapters you're not so excited about to get to the good stuff. Been there, been there, been there. I think slowing it up in revisions would make this already very good story even stronger, though. *nod*
Yeah, and it seems obvious to me that there's more going on with AJ and Dash than just "they're jerks, boo." So you've totally got the benefit of my doubt, at least. And I hope with all the things I mentioned, it wasn't lost that I really, really like this story and am excited to read whatever comes next. Because I really, really like this story and am excited to read whatever comes next.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!? Leave us at a cliffhanger!? I want to know how Twilight will fix this, where Pinkie went, and why Dash is so against them(though from the 'not one of your experiments' comment I can hazard a guess). I want another chapter right noooow!
I did notice a few minor hiccups. I'll update as I read through, and hopefully figure out how the bolding system works 
Twilight shook her head slowly, “This is all rather… delicate. I’m more comfortable handling this all with my magic; hooves seem to lend to more accidents.”
Pinkie pouted, “What I am supposed to do until you’re done?”
Pinkie pouted, “What am I supposed to do until you’re done?”
She shook her head. Don’t be ridiculous, Pinkie, she thought, You’re just making a molehill from a mountain again. A small, malicious voice whispered in the darker corners of her mind, Or are you?
She her stomach lurched and she staggered forward a step or two; it couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t be.
Her stomach lurched and she staggered forward a step or two; it couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t be.
Well that's all I really noticed. Loving the story so far
Sorry! The section originally ended after Pinkie's conversation with Dash and before going back to the library, but I feel like this break works much better. At least it shouldn't take two weeks for the next part.
Whoops. Thanks for pointing those out.
*Deciding to stay completely mum on any and all Rainbow Dash questions 
*
Not just one of them, too, but a specific one of them. A very pink one of them. Though, as always, I could be wrong. *shrug*
Now, review time ...
Trouble in paradise! Awww. 
I like this chapter, though, especially as the seeds for the fight are sown even before Pinkie talks to Rainbow Dash. Because, y'know, Twilight often IS annoyed by Pinkie, and I think after the new-love buzz wears off, that would still be true. (And in Twilight's defense, I will say that I don't think I could handle having Pinkie as a girlfriend.) I also like that the fight wasn't all Twi's fault--Pinkie was being really stubborn and not listening to what Twilight was actually saying. All in all, it just felt very real and in-character.
Now, as for Rainbow Dash ... Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow. I do indeed suspect that she's crushin' on Pinkie and is hurting because of it. But I hope there's more to the story than that because, just based on that, on "I want her too," I'd say she's WAY out of line this chapter, almost to the point of being OOC. But I am still withholding judgment until we learn more about exactly what's going on with Dash. There very well might be more to the story, and additional information might cast Dash in a more sympathetic light. (Like Bookpony, I took note of the "not one of your experiments" comment and think there's likely a lot tied up in that.)
Ugh. If I don't do a good enough job explaining Rainbow's behavior in the next section please rake me across the coals. Trying to be clear and in character with her has been a trial and is the main reason these sections have been taking so long. I love you, Rainbow, but you're not making things easy for me.
Aye aye, ma'am! *salutes*
Really, I only mentioned it because I don't have access to your master game plan, which means I don't know what's supposed to be revealed when. So I just wanted to let you know that Dash is coming across as really unlikeable and unsympathetic in this chapter (at least, in my reading of the chapter), though there are hints that she has Reasons for acting as she does ... so, hopefully all that is what you WANTED for us to take away from this chapter.
NOW WRITE US MORE TWIPIE! MORE, I SAY!
Oh good. My fear is that she'll come across as some kind of Disney villain instead of an antagonist, but it is my hope that this next section will be an "oh okay" moment and let the readers know that I'm not just using Rainbow as some mindless plot device. (I've started feeling the need to assure people that I love that brash little pegasus. Really, I do!)
Oops. I went on the internet instead of working on the story. I'm sorry! Don't hate me! *chains rattle as she gets back to her typewriter*
I'm sorry. I've been having some personal problems that have been making finishing the next part really difficult.
I'm doing my best to not drag out time between updates, but sometimes there's little I can do to help it. Again, I'm sorry that this is taking so long.
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