• Member Since 15th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 17th, 2021

Elemectric


E

While Luna was Nightmare Moon she cursed this land; condemned it. Just in case her sister would find a way to prevent her from turning Equestria into a world of eternal darkness, Nightmare made a way that the world would set itself into darkness. But now after Princess Luna has returned to her original self, the reckoning is still upon them and with the removal of Nightmare Moon, no pony will be able to control it. It will be up to the Elements of Harmony to find a way to bring the world back to the light. Along with their newest friend, Electra Storm, who isn't your average Pegasus.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 5 )

I think it's a fine start. :twilightsmile: One of the sentences in the beggining seemed a bit off though. :moustache: It had too many "of"s. :pinkiecrazy: Actually, before submitting this comment, it looks like it just got fixed anyways. :twilightblush:

There are some grammar issues here, but nothing too horrible. The first part with Luna I thought was really well written. Had a nice flow, built up the sense of mystery very well. Seemed like the calm before the storm. Really left me wanting to know what it was Nightmare Moon had done. I like the idea of Luna glimmering in the dark. Some of the rest read a little awkwardly or forced, but usually not enough so to shake me out of the story (I really can't buy Spike saying “Perhaps, she is quite the optimistic pony.” That's way, way too dry and detached for Spike--he's a sweet, witty, and above all casual little boy.).

The biggest potential issue I see with this is that so far Electra strikes me as extremely bland and sue-like, but she's hardly been around long enough to say anything 100% for sure (if there's a reason for those sparks beyond electricity is awesome/she is the chosen one!!! and/or if there's some downside to them that'd help a lot). If you can avoid that one obstacle I think this has the potential to be incredibly epic...

Tracking, very much looking forward to more.

359627 I highly appreciate your feedback, and I will take extra care with Spike's as well as all of the characters' speech in mind throughout the rest of the story, and I suppose I have been known to go a little crazy with my commas.
As for Electra, I'm sure things will be cleared up a bit next chapter :twilightsmile:
I hope you see improvement in the next installment. Thanks again for your input.

Chapter 2

Any errors? Let me know please so I can edit.
Any questions? Let me know so I can answer!

375487 Nope! :yay: No errors as far as I can tell. :moustache: Just another good chapter with a very promising story thus far! :scootangel:

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