- Member Since 11th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 12th, 2021
Gypsy Writefag
I mainly write smut and some occasional PG-13 stuff.
Gypsy Writefag
Joined 11th Aug, 2013 ·
Offline
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ha gay I loved it
3966974
<3
Found a minor thing you may want to edit.
That should be bed.
Nice! :-)
I like the last half. The first felt a bit forced and rushed. There are some phrasing choices that don't work too well, and it could use a bit of editing for typos, but otherwise not bad.
The main thing is that, without giving Shining's mom (Velvet) any back story or development before the sex, it feels really unsatisfying. I'd like to know what led her to want that with her young son. Why him? Why so young? Why wouldn't she feel guilty until after and not before? Or if she did feel guilty then show it better than making her a little nervous. Rather than suddenly having her come into his room, I'd love to see an internal struggle in Twilight Velvet, see her lose to her lust, and, afterward, feel worse than just a little guilty.
Unless she has molested colts for years or Canterlot has really loose sexual morals, she'll be much more sensitive to the guilt than what you wrote.
Thanks for the story in any case! I look forward to more.
What is with you people and incest.
3967346
Yeah, I realize the first half is pretty eh. It was only as I got to the second half that I realized how this story really should be shaped. I might go correct the first half sometime. For now, I'm focusing on actually writing the rest.
I do appreciate the criticism, so thank you. Also, there will be sections from Velvet's POV as to show her struggling.
3967451 cause its hot and were all going to hell anyway (or at least i probably will since i like to read clop a lot)
3967628
Yes, we're going to hell in every religion
3967895 if we are let's make it fun for all on the way
So, yeah. I always wondered how shiny always ends up getting written in these incest stories. Not that I am complaining.
3967451 Humans are weird like that.
3967451 You people?
This story shows great potential, due mostly to your apparent skill. Needs a smidge of grammar work for the Grammar Nazis, but it's definitely above par.
I shall follow this. Don't disappoint me.
A much more cerebral chapter, I see. It was well written. I enjoyed it.
This was... Terrifyingly poetic.
Wait, Princess Luna? Was she even around at that point?
4009401
No, she was not, at least according to the canon of the show. I simply used her name as I didn't expect ponies to simply forget her, and would like to think they still referred to the night as "Princess Luna's".
Can't wait for more
4009403
That's debetable. It looked like, that the ponies in ponyville didn't know much about Luna, but there were the nightmare night festival... anyway, really good chapter, if a touch dark, can't wait for the next
I have mixed feelings about this.
I sort of liked chapter one of this story. This chapter though...
It's only two thousand words and still feels too long, a lot of things are said that don't have any meaning, and others which do have meaning are badly explained, or not at all. The events could have been conveyed in a much more consise manner (about a third of the length) and it would probably have made for a better read.
I had hopes for this story. They have been thoroughly dashed. Such a pity
What was the purpose of this chapter? I understood nothing.
i dont get it im sorry i dont see the point of this chapter
This chapter was far more poetic & yet disturbing on a level that is not easily voiced.
I'll say well done, but I think you may be misjudging the standard audience for this fic (if the previous comments are any indication).
4014756
That is quite the tricky thing. I tried something different with the chapter, and had hoped for responses like yours, but it seems most people simply didn't like it.
Now, of course, comes the dilemma of whether to redo the chapter or not.
4010840
Thanks for the feedback. I am reconsidering this chapter and might simply redo it.
I actually really liked this chapter. It was a little over the head of the average clop reader (guilty
) but I could feel the poetry from it. Most of it was understandable and what I took from it was beautiful. Of course sometimes I was just like AJ and I wanted to say 
"English please?" This was a great experiment, but this test group is not the best 
I really want to enjoy this, but sometimes I can't comprehend it 
I feel uncultured, and writing a story myself the last thing I would want you to do is edit a chapter you finally released 
I suppose it's up to you. If you can clarify this in chapter three, then leave this artwork up, otherwise I guess you HAVE to edit this a little, if not for me, at least for the others. I will like and favorite, because I want to see where this will go (and the clop in chapter one played no small role 
) Let's see where this crazy train is headed 
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/338/f/6/cool_story_kaiba_meme_generator_now_thats_what_by_fox_fire_vash-d6ws8pt.jpg
A good edition, if a bit hard to wrap ones head around, especially after a fifth of vodka... and it being 2:30 in the morning...
"He shook on the beed,"
-bed
Me and your father have talked about going out for dinner tonight
- I and your father (of even better: Your father and I )
4358190
Or.... x3
WOW; very poetic. I like... alot.
I would really like to know more about the why of this. Why did she do it, why does she want to continue. Why is her husband accepting of it. And wasn't the sister mentioned? This, like many decent short stories, could benefit from more detail and greater length. Anyway, faved and upvoted.
3967628 Fuck yeah HELL FOR EVERYPONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Y U NO WRITE MOAR?
To bad that Story got canceld but Its still a nice read
aw man its canceled just my luck
good ch shame this wont continue