• Member Since 11th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 19th, 2017

Bright101Eyes


You can find me online as AceOfHoenn or Bright101Eyes (WILL ADD MORE LATER)

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When The Great and Powerful Trixie goes to Vanhoover for the Summer Sun Celebration she finds out that the threat of Nightmare Moon is very real. Can she stop her and learn about the Magic of Friendship?

An AU version of Friendship Is Magic starring Trixie, Coco Pommel, Ms Peachbottom, Cheese Sandwich, Soarin' and Cloudchaser.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 1 )

Interesting setup, and a curious and rather promising cast lineup.

Could do with a little fleshing out. As it stands, it feels a bit rushed. Having multiple protagonists in the same scene (i.e. Coco and Peachbottom doing decorations together) is an interesting idea and I approve of it, but you could do well to give them more lines. As it stands, Coco doesn't contribute to the scene at all. (Which is somewhat appropriate to her character, but still.) I'd recommend describing their decorations in greater detail; perhaps Coco is fussing on the details while Peachy keeps changing things on a whim.

The whole Mare in the moon retelling could probably be cut (like, say, Peacy beginning, followed by a scene break, followed by Peachy finishing while Trixie looks bored to tears), because we've all heard it back in episode 1. As it stands, it's a sudden wall of text; I scrolled past it because i didn't seem to offer anything new.

Curious that the Mayor is so vocally committed to his sister's happiness, yet sees no problem in pissing off the performer she explicitly recommended by sending her around like a flunky when she has actual work to do. Unless you want him to look like a jerk who can't do his job, you might want to provide some justification, like say that he's understaffed. I'm also assuming that Trixie didn't sign a formal contract for her participation, or she'd bring that up.

Spelling is good, though punctuation is somewhat iffy; mostly a few run-on sentences, and commas instead of semicolons.

Looking forward to a take on Cheese Sandwich. That's a challenge, but as long as you remember that he's basically a male Pinkie, you should be fine.

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