Trixie's Forest Retreat

by crowscrowcrow

Chapter 9 - Reconnaissance

“Fluttershy?” Trixie repeated the name, receiving a nod in return. It was a fitting name; she had to admit that much. Climbing back into the bed with Fluttershy’s help, Trixie laid down in hopes of getting the pounding in her head to drop back down to the level it was when she'd woken up.

Trixie looked at Fluttershy, who had gone silent again, with mild annoyance, but she let it go for the moment. It was clear that she was no threat to her, even if she could easily overpower her in Trixie’s current state; she did not seem like the type.

She could tell that she had sustained some kind of wound which explained her headache. The real worry was her weakened, no, merely less powerful, state and the fatigue. “What’s wrong with Trixie?” She wondered aloud, trying to remember what happened.

Trixie noticed Fluttershy was flinch, then nervously scrapped her hoof along the rug. Finally, Fluttershy found her voice again. “T-Trixie … has a,” she swallowed, “concussion … I'm sorry … Nurse Redheart said to let you rest.” It was so quiet, Trixie could barely make it out. At least it seemed she was more reliable for aid then she was conversation.

“A nurse? So Trixie is at a hospital.” A shiver ran down her spine as she realized the only town nearby with a hospital for miles had been Ponyville. Her oncoming panic was interrupted by noticing Fluttershy shaking her head. “Trixie is not in a hospital? Are you a nurse?”

Both questions received another shake, and Trixie raised a hoof, feeling frustrated again, but quickly slammed it back down on the bed just before she'd touch the sore spot again. She felt her heart beat in her throat. Safe! Though just how safe, she'd have to find out. Her voice quivered as she asked, “Is this Ponyville?”

Fluttershy nodded at first, then upon seeing the terror spread across Trixie’s face, she quickly added, “B-but on the outer edge. We thought you would uh … Like that more … A small walk away …” Fluttershy looked at Trixie with wide eyes, as if she were as scared as she was.

“O-okay … Yes Trixie … Likes that, Trixie supposes …” So she now knew she was in Ponyville after all. But only on its very edge? It seemed like as good a compromise as she could ask for. It did, however, raise a few more questions. “What made you think Trixie did not want to be in Ponyville?” Perhaps she had said something to them; much of the previous day was a blur.

“B-because of the Ursa?” Fluttershy looked uneasy bringing it up to Trixie. “Oh I'm sorry. But I really have to get back to the animals, please forgive me. I only came up because I heard a crash. D-do you need anything?”

Trixie flinched slightly at the mention of the Ursa, pushing the thought back with a shudder. She tried to focus on Fluttershy's offer through the pulsing in her skull. “Trixie wants a mirror,” she said finally.

This appeared to take Fluttershy off guard as she blinked and tilted her head in confusion. “A mirror? Uhm… Okay …” Spreading her wings, she flew so slowly, she was almost floating up to the chimney mantle, fetching a small framed mirror for Trixie before taking her leave “T-try to sleep. It's okay now.”

Trixie took the mirror, but her attention remained on the skittish mare. She had seen pegasi fly often enough; their fast motions and freedom often reminded her of birds, but this little display of floating had been pathetic in comparison. Less like a bird, more like a … butterfly. She nodded. Lacking in one's race-defining trait, how sad.

She was about to turn her attention away from the doorway when she noticed Fluttershy had stopped just outside the door. This puzzled Trixie, especially as she seemed to be speaking with someone, or a least moving her lips; It was hard enough to hear her when she was standing right next to Trixie after all.

Trixie was slightly worried for as moment Fluttershy might be deranged, until she took notice of a second shadow, fortunately confirming there was somepony else there. Though this also seemed rather strange.

Why was there another pony waiting right behind the door-post? Why would the shy one be the only one to come in? … Oh no! don't tell Trixie that WAS the assertive one! Her head hurt just imagining Fluttershy's friend being even more shy.

The conversation seemed to conclude as Fluttershy walked away. The other pony must have turned to follow her, their tail swishing briefly into view. Trixie smirked, bemused at the sight. Well that is as much as Trixie will ever see of that pony, A rainbow tail… Huh? A sudden sound of ticking caught Trixie's attention. She glanced down to find her own hooves were shaking involuntarily, tapping the small mirror. W-what’s wrong now? Her chest felt tight, and her breathing became quicker.

She quickly looked back at the door. Trixie could not explain it, but something there had sent chills down her whole body. Biting the blanket and quickly pulling it over her, she stared at the door, but the feeling she had before ebbed away again. A couple of deep, slow breaths were taken, trying to calm her nerves. “R-relax Trixie, there's nothing there.”

Directing her attention back to the small mirror for distraction, Trixie began a spell to levitate it with her magic, but halted the attempt quickly when she felt pressure build in her head. Foal! That Fluttershy just told Trixie! Grumbling with her own foolishness, She lifted up the mirror in her hooves to get a look at herself, dropping it immediately in shock.

Trixie's horrible! Gasping for breath, she raised the mirror again, staring at the almost unfamiliar face within. Around the bandages and cold packs, she could see the swelling and purplish patches of fur, rather than its usual blue. She briefly took a moment to consider. That is weird. You'd only get that if mixed with… She grimaced, not finishing the sentence.

Trixie examined herself in the mirror carefully, giving a winch at the thought that what she saw was actually the good parts. Her eyes lingered on the bandages. She slipped the mirror under her pillow with a sigh, shifting to get more comfortable before looking through the room again.

She had not paid much attention before while trying to escape, but the first thing she took note of was the bird houses hanging from the ceiling and nests in the rafters. “What in Equestria …?” The bedridden unicorn was already fairly familiar with the bed itself, standing free on three sides in the middle of the room. It was made out of a butterfly-decorated green wood with quilted sheets, which also bore a butterfly pattern. Mhm, Trixie guesses Fluttershy knows it too, well of course she would.

She let her gaze sweep along the yellow walls; they were supported with sturdy wooden beams, only interrupted by a gray stone chimney that opened into an actual fireplace at the bottom. Some large dark-colored cloths were hung up on the walls in a few places. Trixie could just barely make out some light shining through Also for Trixie's benefit? Or to keep Trixie from knowing her surroundings …? In either case, she was glad not to have the sun in her eyes anymore.

What few shelves there were had been decorated with picture frames, a few books, and what looked like homemade drawings hanging on the wall that the head of the bed was set up against, perhaps from a friendly filly or from her host herself in her foal-hood.

The floors were simple hardwood, and decorated only by a small red oval carpet at the foot of the bed. Though there was barely room to even stand on the carpet due to a green trunk placed on top of it as well. Overall, Trixie felt it was actually rather cozy, if a little bit weird. She glanced back up at the birdhouses and noticed some veins grew along the ceiling as well. Curious … But it does fit in with the decor.

Trixie closed her eyes, feeling the strain starting to get to her. It was annoying to think that hitting her head could make her that sleepy for so long. Before she drifted off once again, a new scent made its way into her room; Somepony was cooking.

Author's Note:

Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed!

I never quite realized just how amazing Fluttershy's house actually is though it is a little inconsistent between episodes.
It certainly was nice learning more about it in the process of writing this chapter.

There's been a question on my mind recently.
Is the desc for this story representative? Or did you come in expecting something else based from it? (Thanks for sticking around anyway if you did heh.)
I'd like to hear about this in the comments from anyone with the time.

Comments

[Captawesome]

I tried but the spelling errors really distract from the story

[Knight of the Raven]

Nice attention to detail with Trixie's observation of her room.

I noticed you repeated 'quick' and its variations in short succession. Same with 'decorated.' Look for a few synonyms.

You also use only two periods in some of your ellipses instead of three. Also, if the following word belongs to the previous sentence, you don't need to capitalize it (unless it's a proper noun, of course).

The line 'she was more reliable for aid then she was conversation' describes Fluttershy so well it's not funny.

I liked 'Oh Luna! don't tell Trixie that WAS the assertive one!' as well, though I do wonder why she's saying 'Luna' instead of 'Celestia.' Did Luna give her good dreams?

Corrections;

'Trixie repeated the name receiving a nod in return, it was a fitting name she had to admit that much' should be 'Trixie repeated, receiving a nod in return. It was a fitting name, she had to admit that much'

'She climbed back into the bed with her help and lay down in hopes of getting the pounding in her head to drop back down to the level it was when she'd woken up' flows better than 'Climbing back into the bed with her help and lays down in hopes of getting the pounding in her head to drop back down to the level it was when she'd woken up'

'She looked with mild annoyance at Fluttershy, who had gone silent, but let it go for a moment' flows better than 'Looking at Fluttershy who had gone silent again with mild annoyance but lets it go for a moment'

'trixies' should be 'Trixie's' in 'trixies current state'

you forgot to space between 'fatigue' and '“Whats'

said 'Whats' should be 'What's'

uncapitalize 'She' in 'She wondered aloud trying'

also add a comma after 'aloud'

'Noticing' should be 'She noticed' in 'Noticing Fluttershy flinching'

'“T-Trixie..Has a”' should be “T-Trixie... has a...”'

'“Concussion... I'm sorry...' should be '...concussion... I'm sorry...'

'Her oncoming panic interrupted by noting' should be 'Her oncoming panic stopped when she noted'

'slams' should be 'slammed' in 'but quickly slams'

'hearth' should be 'heart' in 'her hearth beat'

add a period after 'in her throat'

'Though just how safe she'd have to find out; a small quiver made its way in her voice as she asked' makes more sense than 'Though just how safe she'd have to find out, a small quiver in her voice as she asked'

'Fluttershy nodded at first then upon seeing the terror spread across Trixies face quickly adds' should be 'Fluttershy nodded at first then, upon seeing the terror spread across Trixie's face, quickly added'

'We thought you would uh.. Like that more..' should be 'We thought you would, uh... like that more...'

'Looking' should be 'She looked' in 'Looking at Trixie with wide eyes'

'“O-okay.. Yes Trixie.. Likes that Trixie supposes..”' should be '“O-okay... Yes, Trixie.. likes that, Trixie supposes...”

'mirror.” She said' should be 'mirror,” she said'

add a period after 'tilted her head'

'Spreading her wings rising' should be 'She spread her wings, rising'

you capitalized 'chimney'

add a period after 'taking her leave'

'its' should be 'it's' in 'its okay now'

'ones' should be 'one's' in ''Lacking in ones race defining trait, how sad''

'About to turn her attention' should be 'She was about to turn her attention'

'Puzzled as seemed speaking with someone' should be 'Trixie was puzzled as she seemed to be speaking with someone'

'Slightly worried' should be 'She was slightly worried'

door-post doesn't need a hyphen,

'more shy' should be 'shier' in 'being even more shy'

'She caught a sound of ticking and glanced down to find her own hooves shaking as they tapped the small mirror' flows better than 'Catching a sound of ticking and glancing down to find her own hoofs shaking, tapping the small mirror'

''W-whats wrong now.'' should be ''W-what's wrong now?''

'Her chest felt tight suddenly her breathing quicker' should be 'Her chest felt tight suddenly and her breathing faster' to avoid repetition,

'back at the door she' should be 'back at the door. She'

'send' should be 'sent' in 'had send chills'

add a period after 'whole body'

'She bit the blanket and promptly pulled it over her all the while staring at the door, but the strange feeling ebbed away. She took some deep breaths as she tried to calm her nerves' flows better than 'biting the blanketed and quickly pulling it over her staring at the door but the feeling she had before ebbed away again. Taking some deep breaths trying to calm her nerves'

'beginning' should be 'she began' in 'beginning a spell'

'but soon halted the attempt when she felt pressure building in her head' flows better than 'but halts the attempt quickly when feeling pressure building in her head' and avoids the 'quickly' repetition,

'She grumbled at her own idiocy while she lifted up the mirror to get a look at herself.

She dropped it in shock.' flows better than 'Grumbling with her own foolishness while she lifted up the mirror to get a look at herself, dropping it immediately in shock' ; the skipped line adds emphasis,

'again staring' should be 'again, she stared' in 'Gasping for breath and raising the mirror again staring'

add a period after 'usual blue'

I don't think 'she briefly took a moment' is necessary, if anything it's confusing,

'Carefully examining herself in the mirror, she winced at the thought that' flows better than 'Examining herself in the mirror carefully giving a winch at the thought'

'bandages then slips' should be 'bandages, then slipped'

'Shifting' should be 'shifted' in 'Shifting to get more comfortable before looking through the room again'

add a period after 'in the rafters'

'with the bed itself. It stood free on three sides in the middle of the room, its green wood decorated with butterflies, a pattern shared by the quilted sheets' flows a lot better than 'with the bed itself, standing free on three sides in the middle of the room a butterfly decorated green wood with quilted sheets also bearing a butterfly pattern'

'She let her gaze sweep along the yellow walls. Sturdy wooden beams supported them, only interrupted' flows better than 'Letting her gaze sweep along the yellow walls supported with sturdy wooden beams only interrupted'

add a period after 'shining through'

'setup' should be 'set up' in 'was setup against'

you don't need a hyphen in 'foal-hood'

'The floors simple hardwood decorated' should be 'The floor's simple hardwood was decorated'

'Glancing back up at the birdhouses, she noticed some veins growing along the ceiling as well' flows better than 'Glancing back up at the birdhouses and noticing some veins growing along the ceiling as well'

and

'Trixie closed her eyes feeling the strain starting to get to her,' should be 'Trixie closed her eyes, feeling the strain starting to get to her'

[TheArchive]

Honestly it's an interesting idea, but the execution is falling short. The only reason Trixie is there right now is due to her injuries, the only reason she is injured is due to Rainbow giving her a concussion, and the only reason Rainbow went straight to giving her a concussion is due to her being completely OOC.

There were plenty of ways to make this idea work. The issue here is that you basically forced one of the characters to act however you wanted them to act in order to force the plot to happen. Next time when you want something to happen in a story, then try coming up with a way that doesn't feel contrived. That will make it much easier to read.

[Ironskull]

4816605 This is not OOC. Being bitter about the ursa minor incident is perfectly believable. Rainbow was under the impression that Trixie brought the ursa minor to the town on purpose, and therefore, rather than thinking of her as a just stuck-up showpony, she considers her to be inconsiderate and dangerously reckless. Making friends with Rainbow is the last thing on Trixie's mind, so no surprise that she decides to insult her. All in all, Rainbow's reaction was, while extreme, something that she would do spur of the moment.

[crowscrowcrow]

4816571

These chapters are ridiculously short

Yes, they are. It is on my list as something to alter once the story is complete.
When I started writing I resolved to write 1k words each day to motivate myself, and I posted them here to share with a friend. That's why it will on occasion change chapter on a place were an 'enter' would have sufficed, sorry for the inconvenience.

Later on, the chapter length will increase, as I swap over to a different schedule at that time. Where the chapters are 1.5-3k. which, while still short, is more in line with what I personally find pleasant to read.

4816549
4816605

I agree that RD willingly and knowing giving somepony a concussion would be OOC, but RD never meant to hit her that hard.
RD hitting somepony, I think is IC for her short temper. I mean we see her kick a dragon in the face when she loses patience with it, with very little thought for consequence.

However, looking over the scene in question. I can see your point. I do not do a very good job at clearly conveying what is supposed to be going on there and it just kinda jumps from "Dash is laughing" to "Dash is seething".
I'll fix that.

4816723
I am so glad you made that post.
You pretty much nailed it, and explained it much more clearly than I would have.
Thank you.

[TheGreatEater]

4816723

Almost two years after you made the post. But exactly this. RD is a very passionate pony. Given to emotional extremes, we've seen her act rashly, aggressively, passionately, ect. But whatever emotion she does, she does so with gusto. Heck even recently she blew up a weather factory just to keep her Tortoise from hibernating.

[HeartfireFirebrand]

Why was there another pony waiting right behind the door-post? Why would the shy one be the only one to come in? … Oh no! don't tell Trixie that WAS the assertive one! Her head hurt just imagining Fluttershy's friend being even more shy.

When you see her Canon parents it makes you wonder how the family exists did her parents have a shy off.

[Victor07]

It looks like Trixie has developed some kind of trauma, but after getting hit like that, it's justifiable.