Chapter 5 - Rainbow
“Why that little!” shouted Rainbow Dash, watching the fraudulent loudmouth try to make her escape into the night. Not if she had anything to say about it! She sunk through her hooves for a split second, then kicked off the ground and flared her wings, taking to the skies at top speed in hot pursuit.
“Just let her go,” said Twilight with such peace, that the tone was as surprising to her as the words themselves. Her eyes narrowed as she watched the blue trickster gallop away, the one that put all her friends, no the entire town, in danger. What the hay? She wants me to let her get away with this? Why? Glaring while trying to push down the hot feeling in her veins, she turned her eyes away from the fleeing mare and settled them on her friend for the answer.
Upon seeing her confusion, Twilight continued, “maybe someday she will learn her lesson.” She turned her attention upon the pair of foals that had caused so much trouble, shooting them a look that could burn through a tree. “Now about you two...”
With the town’s attention focused on Twilight and the duo, Rainbow Dash turned her gaze towards the road again. She blinked as Trixie appeared to have vanished somehow before her attention was drawn by a quick-moving silvery blur through the fields, puffing up little clouds of smoke.
Rainbow Dash tilted her head and raised up an eyebrow as she observed the spectacle. “What in Equestria is that pony doing?” She increased the power of her wing beats to fly up higher while down below, she could hear Spike demand he be punished as well with surprising glee.
She shook her head a bit while watching a distant orchid light rush through the forest before it suddenly went out. She could have sworn she'd seen one of the trees shake shortly afterwards. Chuckling to herself, she glanced down at the dispersing gathering below, pondering if she should say something, but shrugged her shoulders. “Eh, I'm sure it can wait.” She took off in a rainbow-colored streak back home to try and salvage what few hours she had left before the scheduled early morning downpour.
Rainbow Dash pushed the last dark cloud into place over Ponyville, raising up a hoof to her mouth to cover an irritated yawn. Whoever was responsible for missing yesterday afternoon’s drizzle had a lot to answer for, making her get up this early.
“Oh right, that was my assignment.” She'd tried to show up Trixie with her instant rainbow stunt, only to get caught in that little cheater’s tornado. Her eyes crossed a bit when she remembered how much trouble she had just trying to keep down her lunch, let alone try to fly and do her job, after that.
With a grumble, she folded her forelegs over her chest and kicked one of clouds. A flash of lightning crackled through it. Glancing towards the Everfree forest, or rather the mass of especially dark clouds that overextended from Ponyville to cover a certain section of the forest, her trademark mischievous grin crept over her face. “Worth it.”
Diving through the clouds, Rainbow Dash swooped down towards the small little hovel right below her. She spotted a small exodus of forest animals all skittering inside the cottage at the behest of what had to be the kindest pony she'd ever met.
“Hey Fluttershy!” Pulling up from her dive just in time to avoid smacking straight into the ground, she skidded to a halt besides her soft spoken friend.
Fluttershy stood beside the doorway of her house, holding it open for a family of mice. “H-hey Rainbow Dash...” A warm smile offered to her friend. “What are you doing here? N-not that you’re not welcome anytime, I mean I'd love to have you visit, I mean that you are visiting, not that you don't usually visit...” She kept tripping over her barely whispered words, only earning herself an amused grin from Rainbow Dash.
“Relax, Fluttershy, I know what you mean.” A brief thought of teasing her friend occurred to her, but it was quickly dismissed. “I just wanted to check on you, you know, with the Ursa and all.”
“Oh... I'm okay. It just charged right past here then floated back a little later. I can't believe somepony woke up that poor sweetheart.”
“Ooh yeah, that poor sweetheart.” She rolled her eyes. “You should have seen it try to eat Snips and Snails, it was just endearing. What the hay is wrong with that Trixie that she would send those two out to find an Ursa just so she can show off? She couldn't even do it!”
Fluttershy leaned down to nudge the last rabbit through the doorway reassuringly. “T-that's just awful. Did she really do that?” Heading inside as well once she was sure no more animals were coming to take shelter, she held the door open. “Uhm, would you like to come in too, Rainbow Dash?”
The first raindrops had begun to fall, darkening her fur into spotted blue. “Yeah sure, I got something good to share anyway.” Following Fluttershy inside, she shut the door behind her. “So you remember I told you about Trixie's show last night, right? Well it gets better: it was a dark and stormy night, just like this one...”
Settling down upon her couch, Fluttershy gave a quick glance outside at the downpour. “...But yesterday we had clear skies all day. Didn't we? I thought that is why you made th—” she got cut off halfway.
“Awh come on, are you trying to ruin the story?” Taking a seat besides Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash gave her a little nudge and flashed a grin. Letting her eyes travel to the window, she gazed at the ominous clouds, but her grin only widened at the sight.
“I'm sorry...” Tilting her head down, she allowed the long pink locks to shelter her. She knew what was coming by the look on her friend’s face.
“So as I was saying...” Rainbow Dash cleared her throat briefly, then resumed in her patented campfire story voice. “It was a dark and stormy night...”
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You don't have to remind us Rainbow Dash has magenta eyes every time you mention them. In fact, I suggest you never specify the eye color of a character the readers already know. And don't ever describe them as orbs. That's just silly.
Samewise for any color of fur belonging to a known character, unless it's part of a GREAT REVEAL that she's the masked juvenile justicer when her outfit is torn up or something along these lines.
Rainbow Dash calling Trixie a 'fraudulent loudmouth' made me laugh.
I liked these lines;
'I can't believe anyone woke up that poor sweetheart. ”
“Ooh yeah that poor sweetheart.” Her magenta eyes rolled. “You should have seen it try to eat Snips and Snails it was just endearing'
and
'“So you remember I told you about Trixie's show yesterday right? Well it gets better, it was a dark and stormy night just like this one...”
“...But yesterday we had clear skies all day. Didn't we? I thought that is why you made th-”
“Awh come on are you trying to ruin the story?”'
Some things can be improved, be they typos, punctuation or lavender unicorn syndrome;
'the cyan pegasus' does not make sense in '“Why that little!” shouted the cyan pegasus' since the chapter is from Rainbow Dash's own point of view (though in the third person instead of the first). Use 'shouted Rainbow Dash' instead; 'she' is unwise since that's the first line, the one that tells us whose point of view we're watching,
'Glaring while trying to push down the hot feeling in her veins, she turned her eyes away from the fleeing mare and settled them on her friend for the answer.
Upon seeing her confusion, Twilight continued, “maybe someday she will learn her lesson”'
flows a lot better than
'Glaring while trying to push down the hot feeling in her veins. She turned her magenta eyes away from the fleeing mare and settled them upon the purple unicorn for the answer.
Upon seeing her friend heed the request the purple unicorn continued. “Maybe someday she will learn her lesson”'
in addition to solving the punctuation and removing the 'purple unicorn' repetition,
'towns' should be 'town's' in 'With the towns attention'
remove 're' from 'returned' or 'again' in 'Rainbow Dash returned her gaze towards the road again' there's also a double space between 'the' and 'road'
you didn't capitalize 'Spike' in 'she could hear spike'
you capitalized 'shook' in 'She Shook her head'
I suggest putting a comma after 'herself' in 'Chuckling to herself she glanced down'
there is no visible scene transition between 'the scheduled early morning downpour' and 'Rainbow Dash pushed the last dark cloud into place over Ponyville' maybe fimfiction glitched on this?
I suggest using 'to cover' instead of 'covering' in 'raising up a hoof to her mouth covering an irritated yawn'
'cheaters' should be 'cheater's' in 'that little cheaters tornado'
'trademarked' should be 'trademark' in 'her trademarked mischievous grin'
'meet' should be 'met' in 'the kindest pony she'd ever meet'
'soft spoken Pegasus' should be 'softspoken pegasus' in 'she skidded to a halt besides the soft spoken Pegasus'
'besides' should be 'beside' in 'Fluttershy stood besides the doorway;' 'besides' means 'in addition to'
you forgot to space between 'a family of mice.' and '“H-hey Rainbow Dash...”'
'She kept tripping over her barely whispered words, only earning herself an amused grin from Rainbow Dash' flows better than 'The butter yellow mare tripping over her barely whispered words. Only earning herself an amused grin from Rainbow Dash' and not only because it gets rid of the lavender unicorn syndrome,
I suggest to put a comma after 'Fluttershy' in '“Relax Fluttershy I know what you mean”'
'“Ooh yeah, that poor sweetheart.” She rolled her eyes. “You should have seen it try to eat Snips and Snails, it was just endearing' flows better and has better punctuation than '“Ooh yeah that poor sweetheart.” Her magenta eyes rolled. “You should have seen it try to eat Snips and Snails it was just endearing'
you capitalized 'she' in 'take shelter, She held'
'rain-droplets' should be 'raindrops' in 'The first rain-droplets had begun to fall'
'darkening her fur into a spotted blue' sounds better than 'darkening the cyan fur into spotted blue'
besides the 'magenta' issue, you repeat 'gaze(d)' in 'Letting her magenta gaze travel to the window, she gazed'
'mares' should be 'mare's' in 'she knew what was coming by the look on the mares face' 'her friend's' or 'Rainbow Dash's' is also less confusing
and
you forgot to space between '“So as I was saying...”' and 'Rainbow Dash cleared her throat'
I suspect your capitalization of 'pegasus' comes from your spell checker. I suggest you add this word to its dictionary. Also, as a rule of thumb, run a 'replace all X with Y' on double spaces.
I won't mention the lavender unicorn syndrome again, since I've made my point for five reviews now.
@ Knight of the Raven
Thanks for the pointers on chapters 1 - 5.
I've made adjustments and uploaded the improved chapters.
Editing the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome down a bit did seem to make it read a bit better.
That's something that has always pissed me off.
Trixie's a show mare, her jobs entertainment, embellishment, and storytelling. You have any showman/pony and heckle them that's the ultimate form of disrespect. And it's no suprise she acted as she did. Heck Rainbow Dash or AJ would do the same thing if someone interrupted RD's flying show / a wonderbolt performance, or AJ if she was rodeoing [sp?].
Yet through the entire series. The ponies blame Trixie. Even though it was Ponyvilles abysmal parenting skills that did it. Not telling their children or other adults the difference between fantasy entertainment and fact, letting their children [all the children in canon when ever they want] to go into a forest filled with murderous, pony eating creatures, and then when they bring in a murder beast into town. It's the victim that gets punished.
Please tell me Twilight, Dash, and AJ get thoroughly ashamed of their actions later on. Since all of what happened was AJ's and Dashie's fault, and Twilight's above comment was a Dick move. Saying "She'll learn her lesson" is like saying "How dare she have a cutie mark that she uses to bring joy and entertainment to others."; "That'll teach her from having a job, and being the victim of the neglectful parents in this town."
Sorry for the rant. But PLEASE tell me Twilight learns her lesson for blaming a victim of that town being filled with hecklers and negligent families? And I that Dash and AJ apologize to Trixie for them being the cause of Trixie loosing all her worldly possessions and Ponyvilles property damage?
______________________________________
I'm done reading for now until I get answers to my questions. I don't want to get to invested only to learn that those who are responsible to all of Trixie's loss indirectly and directly, never loose their holy then their BS, and Twilight's all. "Oh! Trixie needs to learn her lesson" talk.
Good fic. Will wait to read more maybe.
Oh, Epic heckler beat downs:
10 most satisfying Heckler Beatdowns : Cracked.com
Daniel Tosh vs. Hecklers [Heckler Blog is funny to watch].
4672485
To be fair, Trixie reacted to them being jerks by being a bigger jerk, which isn't the reaction you want to teach kids, but I do agree that they were all being quite rude for no reason at the start and that everyone focuses on the wrong thing as her character flaw. It's not a case of "Trixie being a braggart" but "Two wrongs don't make a right".
5324977
True. But Wow. 20 Weeks, and the author hasn't given me as much as a courteousy Comment. Now I remmeber why I stopped reading this fic. But yeah, Two Wrongs don't make a right. Although I've seen bigger jerkier reactions to showmares being heckled. My problem is that while Trixie might've gone a bit far with her taking back her show from those who were ruining it for everypony else [and AJ and Dashie should've known better].
From what I remember of what I read [which is vague, and mixed with other Trixie fics that follow similar tropes]. Is that all the blame was on Trixie, and yet nopony takes accountability for their own fault in that mess. And Trixie who loses everything is the big villian, while everypony else is so utterly perfect and unblemished. Never mind the parents who ignored their children who caused Ponyville's damage. Nor AJ and Dashie who instigated it and caused all of it to happen. Even the kids who caused all that damaged, their only punishment is mustaches.
Yet the pony who looses her livelyhood, all her material possessions, her reputation, everything. Is the bad guy and should be punished, and everythings her fault. And nopony ever appologises to her, or sees her side of things. (But yes. Your point was right, it's not "Trixie's a braggart", but Two wrongs don't make a right", or even possibly "Think before you act" (for everypony in the town rather thdan just Trixie. But that's a broken Aesop).
But yeah, thanks for the comment, I'm going to go back to being treated as if I don't exist to the author now.
Trixie is arrogant not stupid.
4672485
I agree with you on the whole blame thing but cant make an unbiased opinion due to my own feelings on the mane six and most villians. And I use villians very lightly
5324977
I could have been worse by actually embarrassing them. Main thing hurt was there pride so I can't actually agree that trixie's answer was to be worse than them it was just to prove a point and keep her show running.