[Note - The chapter isn't short because I'm getting deployed again, so do not worry.]
"Hey, Spiderman here with a special news bulletin," Spiderman began, sitting in a typical news station with a stack of papers in his hands, "I've been getting a lot of requests for fucks... so I'll say this again..."
"I will not give them on a boat." Spiderman said, as magically teleported to a boat.
"I will not give them in an oak." He said as he jumped out of the boat and climbed into a tree, sitting back casually on a sturdy branch.
"I will not give them here or there."
"I will not give them anywhere!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, before teleporting back to his news station.
"I do not give a fuck, you see, now go away, and let me be!" Spiderman snapped, before flipping the reader the bird.
"Hi, it's me, Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow Dash greeted, lying beside the fireplace with Big Mac beside her, "and this is Big Mac!"
"Eeyup." Big Mac confirmed.
"And Black Jesus has told us to tell you guys good news. Well... mostly me. The big guy doesn't talk much." Rainbow Dash stated.
"Between you and me, readers... he was touched as a small colt by his uncle..." Rainbow Dash whispered hoarsely (lawl, it's funny because she's a pony), snickering to Big Mac's dismay.
"And between ya'll and me, readers, Rainbow here sucked mah off in high school... in tha middle of class." Big Mac stated, smirking at Rainbow Dash, "And now she knows why the mares call mah Big Mac. Have ya'll ever seen an above average horse-"
"Enough!" Twilight shouted, trotting into the room, "I knew you two would buck up on the announcement!" Twilight facehoofed, before smiling at you, the reader. "Hi, I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I'm here to tell you all some very good news. With the founding of the Church of Old Spice, the author, Black Jesus, Bruce Campbell, and Steroids Man are all currently working together to write the first ever Old Spice Bible. Soon, portions of it will be released every other chapter. To get a hint of what's to come, visit your local church and join in on the worship. MarineMarksman will be reading from the Old Spice Bible, as well as cleansing all of their past sin, and sacrificing scootaloo's to appease Chuck Norris."
"Step aside, egghead, my time to shine." Rainbow Dash stated, forcibly pushing Twilight out of the way, "so yeah, we're throwing together a bible for you guys. Here's Chapter Twenty-One."
"This just in!" Spiderman exclaimed, still in the news station, "due to lack of funding, chapter Twenty-One has been cancelled. If you do not like it, here are your options: One... fuck you, I'm Spiderman!"
"See you Chapter Twenty-Two. Not like a give a fuck, though. I never will!" Spiderman snapped, flashing all you viewers at home the finger.
"Enjoy the joke chapter, people?" MarineMarksman asked, smirking at all of you, "I'm sure you did. Do not worry, Twenty-Two will be out soon. And it won't be a joke. Now, if you excuse me, I've got some bitches to fuck. Khaki fever and all."
Then, suddenly, Black Jesus walked in. "Oh, MarineMarksman, my brother! I see you fuck bitches... I too fuck bitches."
"Are you here to fuck bitches as well, Black Jesus?" MarineMarksman asked.
"Of course. I wish to fill them with my Old Spice, if you know what I mean." Black Jesus stated.
"Tag team?" MarineMarksman inquired.
"Hell yes!" Black Jesus exclaimed, before MarineMarksman and Black Jesus jumped up in the air and slapped each other a high five.