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MarineMarksman
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16
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346
Joined September 2011
396 followers
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60w, 2dHuman in Equestria
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59w, 1dCrossovers
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28w, 6dTrollfics
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60w, 2dPieces of Shit
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48w, 2dThe Church of Old Spice
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It was a bright sunny day, which is typical of fanfictions like this... off topic. Anyway... where was I?
Oh yeah.
It was a bright sunny day as Twilight Sparkle and Caramel were enjoying a nice, pleasant walk through the park.
"It's such a beautiful day out, isn't it?" Twilight asked Caramel.
"You bet!" Caramel chirped happily. Twilight shot Caramel a sweet smile as the two continued on.
"So what do you want to do today? I was thinking we could have a picnic after our walk. Seeing how beautiful it is outside." Twilight stated.
Caramel nodded in agreement. "Whatever you wanna do, Twi."
Twilight smiled to herself. She was so glad that Caramel finally worked up the courage to ask her out. And this "date" seemed to be working out just fine so far...
"What the?" Twilight muttered.
"What?" Caramel inquired. In response, Twilight pointed her hoof forward. In front of them was a muscular, hairless, black ape with what appeared to be a towel wrapped around its waist.
"Hello mare," he said to Twilight, before motioning to Caramel, "look at your colt, now back to me, now back to your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me."
"Hey, what is that supposed to mean?" Caramel asked, insulted by this.
The hairless black ape ignored them. "But if he stopped using mare scented body wash and switched to Old Spice," he continued, as he held up a shampoo bottle with a label that said "old spice body wash", "he could smell like he's me."
Caramel and Twilight shared a sidelong glance as the ape continued. "Look down," He stated. causing Twilight and Caramel to glance down at the ground, "back up! Where are you? You're on a boat with a man your colt could smell like. What's in your hoof?" he asked Twilight, causing her to glance down at her hoof, which was empty. "Back at me. I have it."
Twilight's eyes widened as he pulled an oyster out of nowhere. "It's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you like." The oyster popped open, to reveal two golden tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. Twilight looked at Caramel, who was obviously just as confused as she was. "Look again, the tickets are now diamonds." Sure enough, the oyster and the tickets for the Gala were replaced by a pile of diamonds, which were spilling out of his hand. Out of nowhere, the shampoo bottle rose out from under the pile of diamonds. "Anything is possible when your colt smells like Old Spice and not a mare."
Upon finishing this, the ape jumped on top of Lyra, who was passing by with Bon Bon in tow. "I'm on a horse!" the ape exclaimed.
"Get off of me!" Lyra cried, before being thrown off by Bon Bon. He promptly rose off the ground, fixed his towel, picked up his "Old Space", and ran off, stopping a few times to make sure his towel didn't fall down.
"W-what... what was that?" Caramel stammered, still shaken over the whole ordeal.
"I don't know... I need to contact Princess Celestia about this..." Twilight muttered to herself.
"Twilight!" A voice shouted behind her in the distance. She turned around to see Spike running towards her, a scroll from Princess Celestia in his claws grasp. "Twilight! Celestia sent this to you while you were- woah!" he called out as he tripped on one of the "Old Spice" bottles, causing him to fall right on his face, the scroll flying out of his claw and hitting Twilight in the face.
"Thanks Spike!" she chirped, not even bothering to check on the unconscious baby dragon before she unrolled the scroll and started reading.
Dear Twilight Sparkle...
Earlier today, I had a run in with a strange hairless ape known as a human, which up until know, was a mythilogical creature that appears in folklore and the T.V. series My Little Human. This human was a subspecies known as a black man. This human was... strange, to say the least. Here is how my encounter went...
Princess Celestia sat at the palaces dining table across from her sister, Princess Luna.
"Pray tell... what is this?" Luna asked, poking at her food cautiously with her fork.
"It's called pancakes, sister." Celestia answered, taking a bite out of her pancakes. "One of my favorite breakfasts ever since 1852."
Luna cautiously took a bite, chewed it slowly, and swallowed it. Her eyes widened in surprise, as smile spread across her face. "O-oh my! A better flavor has never passed our lips!" Luna exclaimed, taking another bite.
,
Suddenly, the main door slammed open as a large. muscular, black man walked in, wearing only a towel and clutching a shampoo bottle with a label that said "Old Spice body wash".
"What is this intrusion!" Luna shouted. "Guards, remove this insolent beast!"
Two nearby Royal Guards charged towards the "Old Spice Black Guy", only to be sent flying by a single slap from the man.
"You are no match for Old Spice Body Wash!" The ape shouted, fixing his towel as it began to fall down. "OLD SPICE BODY WASH WILL ROCK YOUR WORLD!"
After that, the Royal Guard Quick Response Team arrived and scared him off. Enclosed is a picture of this "Old Spice Guy".
As Celestia promised, a picture of the man was concealed inside the scroll. The man appeared much more muscular than the "Old Spice Guy" they encountered. And judging from what the Princess said, just as crazy.
"So there's more than one of them?" Caramel inquired.
"It would appear so." Twilight responded. "It's time to get the Elements of Harmony and get rid of these apes!"
"What about Spike?" Caramel asked.
"Who?" Twilight asked.
"Spike. Your baby dragon." Caramel elaborated.
"What about him?" Twilight inquired, one of her eyebrows raising slightly.
"I think he has a concussion." Caramel stated, pointing at the unconscious baby dragon, who had blood flooding out of his head and was being carted away by two orderlies.
"Nopony cares about him. Come on, let's go!" Twilight exclaimed, as she galloped off towards Ponyville. Caramel stood there and glanced down at the ground, which was covered in the diamonds the were flowing out of the black apes palm. Caramel picked one up and held it up to the suns light to test if they were real.
"Oh nice..." he cooed, as he figured out they were real. "Time to go sell these at the Cash 4 Gold store and buy some buckweed with the money. What could possibly go wrong?"
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OH GOD! *cringe*
...
...
Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/009/217/1912-so-much-win.jpg
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd tracking.
Image: http://cultureby.com/images/2008-small/08/15/bruce_campbell.jpg
This is...I don't even...It's like Chuck Norris poured his man sweat into a vat of soap,compressed it,melted it,ate it,threw it back up,poured his very essence of amazingness into it,compressed it back,melted it,rubbed his armpits with it,boiled it,poured more man sweat into it,stirred it with a giant Light Saber,compressed it back,melted it,compressed it,washed his ass with it,melted it,poured another bit of his soul into it,then compressed it again.That is the long lost secret of how to make Old Spice.Don't tell anypony...
Or I may have to track you down!
>>356110 I honestly love everything about Spike. His attitude, his personality, everything. I just love how practically everypony treats him like shit, especially Twilight. For instance, in the first episode, there was numerous examples of abuse against Spike in the first couple minutes alone, like Twilight not caring when she slammed a door into him, or when he fell from the ladder.
*sees the title....
"Oh this is gun b gud!....... the hell?! Its allready tracked? But I haven't read it yet!"
It should have been this that TERRY CREWS performed in front of Celestia!!!!!
"which was covered in the diamonds the were flowing out of the black hairless apes palms" - 
Odor Blocker Body Wash is so powerful it can block B.O. for sixteen hours! It's so powerful it can turn off the sun! But then it gets too cold, so it makes another sun! DOUBLE SUN POWER!
Now I want Luna to say "The sun has been doubled!", followed by Celestia smacking her face 
In any case, I enjoyed it. 
Subspecies? Really?
Why not just put Mudflap and Skidz in the fic?
Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/2dd2eb35ebf441a6fa544328c0699186/114479%20-%20artist%3Attturboman%20Mudflap%20robots%20Skids%20Snails%20snips%20Transformers.png
Read title. 
Read discription.
Image: http://images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw825_34532345654345676543.jpg
Image: http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/53e94cfe44a3a414f5e54eff35d18874/http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b244/FenreyVarnFFXI/Outside%20FFXI/RainbowDashLOL.jpg
I don't even care about the errors in form and stuff. Usually, I'd get up on my soapbox and point each one out in explicit detail, but this was just too damn funny to let me worry about that. Or maybe the Old Spice guy biased me.
And as for the abrupt ending...
OLD SPICE IS TOO POWERFUL TO LET THIS CHAPTER END! WHABAM! BUILDING KICK! EXPLOSION!!!
Image: http://lovehateadvertising.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/guiness-brilliant.jpg
Image: http://random-gif.com/gif/Fat%20kid.gif
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