Equestria: The shining beacon of peace and harmony in a world torn by war. The citizens are safe and secure within the borders.
However, a darkness is coming. Sunset Shimmer, daughter of Celestia, fears the return of the goddess of the night herself: Nightmare Moon. A mare who wishes nothing more than the destruction of everything good. Sunset will do anything to stop her.....
...Even if that means hanging out with other ponies.
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I know you all have seen your fair shair of Alt-universes, starring a different main six. I know this, but I couldn't get the thought of trying my own hand in the concept.
{I'm also hoping I live up to the standard set by my predecessors.}
I shall call my 'verse, "The Shimmerverse"....Genius!
(Edited by The Albinocorn. Thanks for the assistance.)
Coverart by F-NAR
I hope I did well and you enjoy it.
Please leave a comment.
Seems promising.
3917887 I hope I don't disappoint you.
I've read a couple of 'Sunset returning to Equestria' fics before, and yours, I think, is the first to feature her as an Element of Harmony. So I'll add this to my watch list and see where this leads me
The objects Celestia kept were nice little touches, was that daemon she mentioned Tirek by any chance? Though the revolver kind of threw me off
3917930 Thank you for the watch and the input.
While it wasn't Tirek, I won't say anything more. *spoilers*
And why did the revolver throw you off?
Okay. So far, ah'm noticin' two flaws here; a bit of an inconsistent tone - swingin' from suicidal drama to jokes in a few paragraphs - an' maybe a few too many obvious references.
Beyond that, though, ah'm likin' what ah'm seein'. Yer strength seems ta be in conveyin' emotions, an' you don't seem ta miss an opportunity ta capitalize on that. It's a good start an' ah'm lookin' forward to the rest.
I like what you're doing here. You do an awesome job of projecting emotion, and I like this version of the alternate main six trope, actually it's the only version I've seen that seemed creative enough to motivate me to read. That being said, there are just a couple of weird little hiccups I'd like to point out.
When I first read this it threw me off, because I didn't realize the statement was interrupting, in the future I'd suggest something like using ellipses, like this:
Just the standard usual of the day...
“I can’t do it!” The tallest tower of the castle shook from the force of the shout.
...For the most part.
(Also, the phrase "standard usual" feels weird to me, but that's just my two bits.)
I think you meant honesty and your brain just slipped. This didn't really break my immersion, just confused me for a second.
Here I expect you originally were going to have her ask if she knew that was the reason and then changed your mind, but slipped and left a question mark.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm giving you constructive criticism because I like this. I like it enough to address these things in a comment because I want to see it get even better, and I know as a writer you always want some thoughts on how to improve, so that's all I can really complain about. Like I said, great job. I can't wait to read more!
3917946 Well, of all the things Celestia would keep, a gun is the last thing that comes to mind, let alone the idea of Celestia entertaining the idea of committing suicide. I thought it was that kind of 'dark' story when I read that part
This looks really good. Something about parts of it reminds me of Young Tigress' story from 'Secrets of the Furious Five' [Awesome].
3918286 Ah, well thank you for pointing those out. I don't have a prereader, so little things like that slip pass me on the first write.
I appreciate your sentiments and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Interesting world building going on. Let's see Where it goes.
I like this so far. I've heard of a lot of alternate Mane 6 universes (All of them with Trixie as the Element of magic which I never understood) but this will be the first I've read.
3918471
Really? Ah only know of one universe like that.
3918494 I'm guessing this would be the Lunaverse? definitely the most famous of them, but there are others.
3918503
(Click the link, I am trying to make a joke.)
3918578 Ahahah what? That was epic. (sorry, I didn't notice the link)
3918612
There're plenty of universes with alternate casts where Trixie isn't Magic, though. Check this story ta see a few of 'em in action... an' here's hopin' someday soon we'll be able ta welcome the Shimmerverse into our Crossoververse. (Ah'll write the song this time.)
I like this so I'll definitely keep reading. I liked the little touch with the Colt too, that made me smile
The only real gripe I have with this is that I have difficulty imagining guns in Equestria.
I know that the universe is an Anachronism Stew, but it just strikes me as a weird thing to have for a species that, with the exception of one race, have no means through which to use such weapons.
Aside from that nitpick, this is an intriguing first chapter. Will follow.
Meh. No Spike character tag, and a copy-paste + word find = no Spike within either. I hardly see the point in an alternate EoH story when the most interesting relationship in canon is given a pass.
3919368 EH? Spike is going to be a big character in this. There's just a five character tag limit so I chose the ones I felt most appropriate.
So don't worry, our favorite drake won't be sidelined.
3919439 Okay, cool.
Oh, I had the idea of the Sgimmerverse too! You did it first!
3919368
Actually, I might have considered having Sunset Shimmer hatch Garble instead. Sunset's a little older than Twilight, and Garble's a little older than Spike. Different universe, different dragon's egg.
But the relationship between the Element of Magic and her #1 assistant is a pretty close one that shouldn't just be tossed away, so it's good that there is a "Spike" in this story.
3918471
A lot of the time it's Twilight Sparkle as the AU Element of magic with a different supporting cast. I've read three cases of Trixie having Magic and one where she's Laughter. Other Elements of magic I've seen have been Vinyl Scratch, Time Turner, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Octavia.
Seeing the Derpy tag makes me wonder which element she'll be. I've seen stories with her as every Element except for Magic.
3918069 Yeah, mostly this. Celestia holding a revolver to her head was a bit past my tolerances.
Other than that... not too shabby. *Decides to follow story*
Was this intentional?
I grinned as soon as I read it.
Alright, I see that it was! Good show.
Alright, critique first:
You're sentence attribution is the main issue here. This was my Achilles' Heel for a while, and most of my earlier writing is still riddled errors. It's nothing that seriously hampers the stories since it's mostly periods where commas should be, but something to be mindful of.
There was one instance of show vs tell that bumped me. One of the earlier paragraphs mentioned "The candles" and I was sort of "What Candles?"
Maybe just extend this out to, "Her white fur glistened in the light of the flickering candles that were set on her desk." Or something... Pretty minor, but I'm not sure where these candles are or if there's quite a bit all over the room, or just a handful, etc...
Few lines need breaks between them, check to see if you have any lines that are just tags with nothing between them. For whatever reason, FimFiction doesn't linebreak with these.
Now that that's out of the way:
Loved the opening with Celestia, I can see how the revolver might bump anyone not familiar with Supernatural, but it amused me.
The fact that she loathes touching the moon is touching, and I can totally see that with her.
Loved, loved, loved little Sunset Shimmer. Provided back-story and reasoning for behavior that we see in the comics/Equestria Girls. Perfectly done, can't wait to read more.
It's kinda criminal that Sunset Shimmer stories often have to fight uphill battles to get good recognition, this shows a lot of promise and I look forward to reading more.
Keep it up!
Personally, I'm not too fond any Equestria with firearms that are more advanced than Flintlocks, but I suppose it varies from universe to universe.
You have my attention. Do go on.
Ah, there he is. Guess I should've done a word-find for "dragon" as well. I'm such a dolt.
Surely Celestia's grim feelings on immortality will come into play later. Contrary to what Little Jackie Papercut said, switching from a dark tone to a humorous one - or vice versa - is something Joss Whedon does once in a while. Though the change is usually much more sudden, yet subtle enough that it isn't jarring.
3929787
An' jus' the fact that a well-respected professional sci-fi/fantasy an' dark comedy writer does it doesn't mean it works in an MLP story.
Round, yet square, then?
3930080 Don'choo make that face at me. All I mean is that there was nothing wrong with using it, but it could have been done better. Storytelling is storytelling, and the difference between a Whedon script and an MLP fanfic is not that decisive a difference. ButterscotchSundae pulled it off to marvelous effect.
3931576 Done better?
Interesting. I was wondering when the dark tag would come into play.
Curious to see how the Warhammer vibes here play out. It'd be interesting to learn more about the current technology, especially since it seems revolvers exist, but muskets are still in use. Suggesting that the former can only be made by specialists.
I wouldn't let the dislikes get to you too much. There' always going to be readers who don't like your story. Additionally, I think the mere presence of Sunset Shimmer often times grantees a story will get a few, then you have other magnets for knee-jerk downvotes: Dark, alternative universe.
Not saying all for are not legit, but chances are at least a couple are.
Also, wondering what grown up Sunset Shimmer is gonna be like. Interesting that the world is dark enough that most of her personality traits would probably not warrant as much correction from Celestia... At least, that's my thinking.
Ah'm lookin' fer the part a' the story description that says this is a crossover with Warhammer 40k, an' ah'm not seein' it. That ain't mah scene, sorry.
3933210 This isn't a crossover. It takes aspects, but in no way a crossover.....I fear that I may have rubbed you the wrong way.
I never meant to do so and I assure you that I will not stay in the dark for long.
Next chapter is certainly going to be brighter and the story as a whole isn't going to go full on grimdark. {I'd never go that far.}
I just wanted to establish some world-building in the Shimmerverse. Again, I apologize if I didn't go down the route you desired.
3933210 {I should also Warhammer itself was based around myths and legends, so it's aspects aren't totally it's own either.}
3933230
Alright, ah'll keep readin'. Ah'm just a little wary about that kinda stuff.
One thing.
"REMEMBER, BOYS, BE AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE! IF THE CULTISTS HEAR YOU COMING, THEY'LL OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOU!"
3933274
......
Honestly, chaos cultists would fall for that. *fixing now*
Thanks...for the joke too.
I like that this explores the darker elements
now I'm looking forward to finding out what happens with Sunset
you know the best way to control chaos
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130318224822/sonic/images/b/bb/All_Seven_Chaos_Emeralds.jpg
Chaos Control
3931661 Well, done differently. LJP seemed to have a problem with it, so I merely proposed an alternative way of executing a mood shift.
Ooh yay. It seems the ponies of this universe seem to be much more in-tune to history than in the show. I have to wonder though, if Shiny is still living it up in the Royal Guard, what's Twilight doing? (a question I've already had, but only now felt like wondering aloud) As for your dislikes, don't worry too much about them. If the people can't be bothered to tell you what they disliked about the story, just shrug it off and think of it as a simple difference of taste. Besides, as long as the number of likes far out-numbers the dislikes, nobody will judge your story any worse for it.
3933274 Nopony expects the Celestial Inquisition.
3937711 I haven't come to an exact conclusion about Twilight, honestly. I have a few ideas, but I'm not going to stress myself out on thinking about it right now.
I'll get to her in a future story.
Thanks for the review.
Well, I love reading Alternate Mane 6 fics, and I would say that you're doing pretty good so far. I'll be keeping an eye on this one.
Before ah even start readin' this chapter ah have ta point out you misspelled "discovery". Unless it's actually a really clever pun on gettin' rid of crows.
3954956
I can see you took blood mages from Dragon age
And the thousand year planetary alignment is something from xiaolin showdown
Other then that keep up the good work.
Also I like the idea of sunset crossovering with other universes
3955386 Dragon Age? Xiaolin Showdown? Really?
Cause I just made them up myself.
3955432
Blood mages get stronger with spilled blood
And the planetary alignment is suppose to signify the coming of mala mala Jong