Loving this story! Follow! So, awesome!

What did I just read? Really what did I just read?

Ok first the basic plot:  Well I've seen each of the Mane 6 become Alicorns, OCs become Alicorns, but I don't think I've read one yet that has any of the CMC become Alicorns. So congrats by having Apple Bloom becoming an Alicorn you've done something somewhat unique.

Now for the rest, formatting looks good, grammar and spelling... meh. Author Notes in the main body, not good... I'm not even going to get into the humor since this is supposed to be a funny one. You have work to do to improve.

First time I've seen a fic where it's somepony other than one of the mane 6 turning into an alicorn. Like the idea, but the chapters seem a bit short at the moment.

I give a thumbs up for effort.

But Its really not my kind of things.

Still, good job. I bet you got a story on your hands there.

OK, few critiques: Only use page splits when a scene transition occurs, (things in parentheses are not necessary for dramatic expressions, or blunt mentions shouldn't be used), and don't underline for emphasis, use italics.

I'm sure there are other things you can improve on, but I'm not that proficient in grammar in and constructive criticism, but this does look like a promising fic.

I'm not sure if this is a slight trollfic or just a semi-badly written alicorn fic. Either way, pretty good stuff!

>>354863354863

Are you like:

Image: http://i401.photobucket.com/albums/pp98/JDLJonah/wtf2.jpg

Image: http://i1141.photobucket.com/albums/n585/castielscoat/tumblr_lpaalgBC2O1qbm54c.png

Image: http://i1149.photobucket.com/albums/o582/XxNotOfThisWorldxX/wtfdidijustread.png

Image: http://i1149.photobucket.com/albums/o582/XxNotOfThisWorldxX/images.jpg

Image: http://omgface.com/verysad/the%20fuck1.jpg

Still gonna read it

And so all was made clear-

*disk scratch

wait what?

The worms were doin what now?

And you sneezed while asleep with the hiccups along with the alignment of.....

Still tracking, want to see where this goes

>>354863354863

Well....  We have had a CMC alicorn before if you count Nyx, but that's not really the same kind of story.  She was created that way, not an ordinary pony who suddenly was alicornized.  (I just invented a word, yay!)

Brilliant. AliTwi is massively overdone, it's about time people start alicornificating ponies at random!

The potential of a tiny alicorn hayseed is endless. Tracking this.

Humor felt slightly forced in this one, scattered with spelling mistakes. Though I'm hoping Applebloom mangling 'celestial' was deliberate, because that was adorable.

Take out everything in your summary after the word "princess." You don't need to justify that it's your first fanfic, you don't need to insist that it's not a cliche, and you don't need a copyright infringement warning, because nobody here assumes you own the show. It's fanfiction.

That being said, it's an interesting concept. You can write pretty well, even if the chapters are short.

It seems like there could have been more detail as she goes to breakfast. Get rid of odd things like "not even the all-seeing eleven-thousand eyed beast named Sam, (who, that everypony knew, could like, see everything)" that just don't make any sense. Actually, as I'm reading this, there's a lot of odd random stuff that makes it seem like you're trying too hard to be funny. The concept already lends itself to interesting situations, don't try to shoehorn in stuff like "exactly 2,138,645,391 earthworms (gasp) whistle a dubstep remix of the Pony Pokey" that'll just make your readers groan.

Also, I think that her family would instantly notice if she had wings and a horn. She could've walked into the room, wondered why everypony was staring at her, and then lift the spoon with magic before realizing what's different.

She sees Twilight as her "deus ex machina." How does Applebloom know that word?

poor Applebloom! well, she's so cute, so she'll learn to be a good princess, I bet.

Alicorns are a cliche now? Really?

This made my day, well done.

im tracking it but as a reader im specting a major change in the way you write it... Still you my firend are good in this!! keep doing it

You've got me interested. Needs a little fine tuning, but it has a solid base and has the potential to develop into a great story. I'll track this.

>>355046355046(Sees 18 new comments) (Sees JasontheHuman read my story) (ACTUALLY reads comments)

It's okay, love and torlerate! And *maybe* Sam the multi-eyed monster was just a *little* over-the-top.

MAYBE.

Good news, everpony! I've just discovered spellchecking! And no more author's notes in the middle of the story. Promise.

So, where is Pinkie Pie and her "So your a Princess/Alicorn party"

>>358148358148 Uh-oh. I've forgotten the existence of Mistress Pinkie Pie!

WHAT KIND OF BRONY AM I?

>>358164358164 your the type of brony that needs to quickly make up to the Great Pink One and seek her party forgiveness

>>358183358183 Okay, I've forgiven myself and found a loophole:

The only ponies that know that Applebloom's an alicorn are Luna, Celestia, Big Mac, Granny Smith, Applejack, Twilight, & Spike. Pinkie & friends shall get in the loop as the plot demands. Thanks 4 the critique, Sgt. Brony!

>>358431358431. No problem, that's what I do.  

Welp, a new chapter, fresh outta the oven. It's a short one. Enjoy, I'll be busy typing up the next!

man! I am now waiting for next chp.

42... The answer to life.  Also, remember that one scene in, I think, Lesson Zero with magic kindergarden?  There be'ith an alicorn in thar in the background!  She's a cream colored pony with a lavender mane.

Oh sweet Celestia, the world will end if THOSE three are put in charge.

>>358934358934Whoa! Really? (checks Google) By Lauren Faust, you're right! How did I not know this?

...Whatever. I must've just forgot it.

Oh, the suspense is killing me!

>>358934358934

42 isn't just the answer to life, its the answer to that, the universe, and everything

Anyways tracking this to see where it goes.

OHH MYYY GOOOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't like what you're implying there Author. But I will still read it.

>>360233360233 U mad?

>>360308360308

Not mad, but I'll probably be sad.

is hoping they no hate on each other, that would suck, but your the author so whatever you say goes :U

Friends get cutie marks, Applebloom becomes alicorn.  Fair trade?

this is my reaction when i see a Blue Screen and then or else

was anyone of those the reaction of the CMCs?

You don't even have to go as far as tearing the world apart... All you have to do is tear spelling and grammar apart.

But sometimes thats a good thing.

Bonus Event: Whoever uses this iconfor this chapter wins a free internet!

SO SAD

I'm a rebel, I will use THIS:

Hope Apple Bloom can fix things up with her friends

“Twist,” she hissed, a combination of ice, steel, and venom coating her every word.

I like this kind of description. Well done.

The writing style feels a little unconventional but I really like the story so far. Poor Applebloom though

so short

good writing, just doesn't last long enough though

Poor Applebloom, forced into royalty and now her friends are angry at her.  What else could go wrong?

they turned on her?

why?~

Shit just got real!

Suddenly I hear brodyquest

Anywho. Another great chapter

*ponders size difference between Celestia and Applebloom*

...We'll never see the poor little darling again, shall we? That's the glomp that devours worlds.

A lot of you are saying that I'm writing the chapters too short, & "THAT U WANT MOAR!!"

I aways say that you should always leave them wanting "MOAR!!!!", but cause I'm so nice I combined a couple chapters so "U CAN HAVE MOAR!!!!!!"

Also, I discovered that Rarity can be really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, fun to write.

There is only one piece of advice I can give you that would make this story better.

Get a proofreader/editor. The premise is good, and it's not a bad read, but when you've got multiple mispellings, words in wrong places, and doubled up words, it severely detracts from the quality of the read.

>>359237359237 And all this time I thought that the meaning of life was 7! Silly me

I personally think that immortals should STAY THE FRACK OUT OF MORTAL AFFAIRS!

What the...

As someone who actually enjoyed this story, I really hope this is just a delayed april fools joke.

I agree with the comment above.

>>442325442325

>>442535442535

Same Here. I was severely disappointed and this Twilight emoticon shows exactly what I'm feeling.

It might have been better if you just left this story uncomplete rather than this last chapter.

Background pony #37?  Debating Celestia's rule? Constantly breaking the 4th wall especially when not done in a funny or humorous way.

Yes, you already had some (IMO) inappropriate author's notes in previous chapters but never to the point where I would quit reading this, however if this was an eariler chapter I would have stopped long ago.

though not a great story, I did like the idea of Applebloom becoming an Alicorn but disliking being a princess and how it effected her friendships.  However your last chapter just turned it all in to a waste of time and a joke.

Changing my "thumbs up" to a very definate "thumbs DOWN"

WHY?! How could you end it like this?!

It was just getting good!

mole-

TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!

nothingatallhere

>>442325442325

Agreed!

Hate for this to end so soon.

The Idea of Applebloom becoming an Alicorn is interesting.  I like the story and I will not be surprised if someone makes a similar story to this.

Nice Dr Seuss I am not going to get up today reference i was like then  

Why you end like this you you troll

Image: https://encrypted-tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQtGfOnn-ITrkPIIaxDZXI_ABegdT6FTeEP7-rHbPKcO2kW1gGDLA

it was a interesting idea but you can not just wake a and be an alicorn

>>892008892008 You obivously underestimate the ass-pulling a fanfic can do.

Image: http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110314162138/mlpfanart/images/4/41/Rainbow_Dash_haters_gonna_hate.gif

i like fan fics and there is no reason to be using bad language over a comment that someone(me) you do not know personally wrote and for the record i most certainly do not underestimate the butt-pulling a fan fic can do i just think your story went a bit to far

Ah enjoyed this, as a fellow writer. it was a nice change. Ah approve. Buck everyone who didnt like it. Ah may wish fer more, but it was still good.

MUST HAVE MOAR!!!!!!!!!

I still laughing even though this sad!  

>>354863354863 stop tryin' to squash a persons creativity

I for one am enjoying this story.  You are going to get a lot of messages telling you the change your fic but please, do not compromise your work to please others.  Write what you want, how you want and don't listen to people saying "you need to write like this, or say things like that, or format your story this specific way..."  Write for YOU first and foremost.  

XD at the end

Sequel people want it! I do as well [Reply to me if you want a sequel!]

I like this a lot. You have earned a spikestache or seven:

(If only there were happy Appleblooms.)

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, what were you just saying about staying friends no matter what!?!?

“Hey, you can withhold information from us like that!” objected a mint-colored unicorn named Heartstrings, but known as Lyra. (Don’t ask.) “It’s a free country, and I demand as my right as a citizen to know!”

Her name is Lyra Heartstrings.

>>10942431094243

Please a sequel!

Not bad. Fun read, with kick ass idea.

>>354990354990 Seconded.

I'm loving this and I feel like whatever might ensue. It's going to be brilliant.

I can see what the Meme-asaurus is plagiating but as a recent addition to the glory of MLP and fanfiction I can't help but wonder:

What are the originals or origins of the supposedly nagged to death "Twi-is-alicorn" stories? I only read a few and they where both recent and rubbish.

(Apart from Thunderstruck but that piece isn't going to update be4 I grow gray hairs).

Where are these eleged great Alicorn stories that nagged the concept to death? I wan't to read e'm!

Anyways, onward to the next chapter and more awesomeness!!

"Oh, they let me stay here to protect you and stuff 'cause I'm so manly," said Spike, "forgetting" to mention that the real reason he was here was that Twilight had grounded him for spoiling the ending of the latest Daring Do book for her and Rainbow Dash.

*insert EPIC awesome face right here, *

*insert EPIC awesome face right here, *

le DARP!

..........YOU DERP, MOST AWESHUM MOMENT IN PONY HISTORY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>>11414791141479 I KNOW, RIGHT, BRO?!?!?!?!?

>>11414791141479 I KNOW, RIGHT, BRO?!?!?!?!?

PLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZDOASEQUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please put more princess applebloom

Okay this story is ridicules. The way the author attempts to be funny by breaking the fourth wall is just embarrassing. "Background pony #46" Either give them a name or just describe them. Stuff like that breaks immersion and flow before it even have a time to start. Thumbs down

*late for school, with this shit going on*

Applebloom: "............................. fuck."

Seems like you're trying too hard to make this funny ... At first I was like 'Yay! CMC alicorns!' but I found some mistakes and little pieces of it that make me doubt if this was meant to be taken seriously ...

Also, most of the brackets aren't needed - have faith in your writing! You don't need to justify things in the middle of the story! Not to mention it makes it extremely hard to keep track of ...

ANYWAY, most of that is just little things that make me go ! It's otherwise very good and the story is original and quirky. Have a like.

42 is the answer to everything.

I gotta say as a trollfic this probably worked perfectly in that you left me feeling disappointed. As an actual fic this was really too bad. It was a really interesting and appealing idea and I confess i'm rather sorry you had it and simply decided to be a troll with it as I think you could've made a really fascinating and sweet story out of it.