I write stories about things
"You're summoned", a guard told you stiffly before turning around and walking away. He looked back at you as you stood there in confusion, tossing his head to indicate that you should follow him. Curious, you did so, finding that you were soon in a wing of the castle in which you had never been. It didn't take long before the trappings indicated that this was, in fact, the royal apartments. You both came to a door lavished with night-themed paraphernalia. Surely this wasn't-
"If you do anything untoward with Her Highness, Princess Luna," the guard hissed angrily at you.
He knocked on the door. "Enter!" bade a commanding female voice from within. He cracked open the door, then nodded at the threshold. It seemed like you were supposed to go in alone. Well, okay then. You pushed the door open, nervously stepping in, jumping a bit as the door slammed shut behind you. Luna herself stood proudly across the room, brilliant star-studded mane flowing in a nonexistent wind. You stared at one another awkwardly... for a few very long seconds... You cleared your throat.
"So, uh, not handling the night, tonight?"
"Our sister said that she would manage tonight," she replied, "Such that we would have an opportunity to speak with you in private."
"Oh." You nervously bit your lip. "Talk about what, your Highness?"
"We want you," she began. You swallowed unconsciously, and she stepped towards her massive bed and flopped down onto it. Her voice suddenly went from commanding to sounding like an excited teenager.
"To tell us more about human life. Oh, the questions I have wanted to ask you, there are so very many, but the opportunities have been few and far between. You are a mystery, did you know? No one knows what makes you tick. Well, I for one would like to discover more!" You noted that she'd slipped out of the monarchical plurality and into 'common' speech.
Her smile was so innocent and open that you couldn't help but laugh, causing her to blush. "W-what are you laughing about, Tom?"
You held up your hands, shaking them vigorously. "Oh, no, your Highness, it's not you," you said quickly. "Just that this was not what I expected... at all."
Her mouth twisted into an adorably-confused wrinkle. "W-whatever do you mean?"
"Just... when I first walked in, you were standing there, and that commanding voice, and-"
She blushed and held a hoof up to her mouth. "I hope... I hope I didn't offend?"
Chuckling, you shook your head. "No, Your Highness. Pleasant surprise, that's all"
The easy smile returned to her face. "That is good to hear, Tom. And, please, for both our sakes, Luna will suffice."
"Luna it is. So... questions...?" You trailed off expectantly.
"Ah, right!" She pulled out a list. Damn, this was going to take all night. "Well, Tom, what's your world like? Climate-wise. I understand that it's quite different from Equestria..."
"... and that's about as much as I can tell you about cars, really. I don't understand them, myself, I get in them and they move."
"Very intriguing!" Luna said enthusiastically as she finished taking a note. It had been a good hour or so, random topics galore. This was not nearly as exciting as you had anticipated. Silence fell for a bit as the Princess absentmindedly wrote a few more bits on her parchment.
"-ahem- So, uh, Luna, will that be all?"
She looked up, tongue between her teeth. "Hmmm? Yes, Tom, I think that's just about it..." Sighing quietly, you turned to leave.
"Oh, one more thing!"
Rolling your eyes despite yourself, you turned.
"What do humans do for... fun?"
"Yes, fun." She looked at you quizzically, one eyebrow perked. "You know, derived amusement from engaging activities?" Did she think you were dense? You knew what fun is – and at that point, you were most definitely NOT having fun. Time to have some fun of your own.
"There are many things, Luna," you said, walking towards her. She was completely fixated on your words, nodding. "The best fun, however, comes from something that both parties enjoy." The Princess was practically bobbing her head. Goddamn, but it was cute.
"Yes, Tom, like what?"
"Well, Luna," you said, not sure how far your erstwhile familiarity had grown, "There's an activity that often goes on between two friends that serves as... bonding."
She clapped her hooves. "Ooooh!" she squealed excitedly. "Can you show me, Tom?" Oh, HELL yes.
"Well, maaaybe," you said hesitantly, stretching the word out in barely-feigned doubt.
"What's wrong, Tom?" she asked concernedly. "Are we not friends? I believe we are!"
"It's not that, Luna," you said, "It's just that... I'm not sure it works quite the same way with ponies..." You allowed it to trail off, and she pounded lightly on her bed in frustration.
"That's not fair, Tom! You have to at least try, right?" Damn straight.
"Well, it's a physical thing, and ponies aren't quite the same. For a human..." You slowly reached for one of her hind legs. "It would involve feet, but since you just have hooves... with your permission?" you asked as your hand reached her leg.
Her brows drew down in utter confusion, but she waved a foreleg in assent, the other tucked under her chin as she analyzed your movements.
"Well, it's just something that humans react to naturally." You gingerly held the leg up by the 'ankle', taking a moment to admire the beautifully-crafted diamond slipper around the tip of her hoof. She watched you in anticipation. You scrunched up your mouth as you considered it. "Does this, like, come off somehow?" you asked stupidly, pointing at the slipper.
She nodded her head slowly. "Of course," she quietly said, "It just sort of slides off..."
You reverently removed the slipper from her hoof. While the difference was subtle, you'd spent enough time amongst Equestrians to recognize hooves a bit. And this one was absurdly tender, at least in appearance. Clearly Luna never went unshod without good reason.
"I think I know what you're doing, Tom," Luna said, rather nervously, as your free hand slowly inched toward the soft exposed flesh of her underhoof. "And ponies are ticklish too-HOO-HOO-HOO!" Well, turned out there's fewer differences than you thought.
"Tom, STA-HA-HA-HAHP!" Your fingers had only been dancing across the soft flesh for a few moments and already Luna was practically in tears. The sheets were clenched between her front hooves and held to her face as she rocked back and forth with laughter. Her bucking, while powerful, was nowhere near strong enough to kick you away, a fact that you took good advantage of. You continued to dig into the tender frog of her hoof, enjoying both the feel of the pampered skin and the musical laughter of the Princess of the Night.
"Plehehease. PLEHEHEASE Tom!" Her grin was ear-to-ear, tears rolling down her face as her eyes locked with yours, pleading, BEGGING for relief. "No more. No mo-ho-ho-hore OH I CAN'T DO THI-HI-HIS!" She fell back in surrender onto her pillow, not even bothering trying to speak through the laughter anymore. You slowly ramped back your assault, as both her reactions and your enjoyment at her helplessness tapered off.
Finally, you stopped, still maintaining a firm grip on her leg. She pulled herself back up, looking at you with anxious expectation. "Are you... are you done, Tom?" she breathed, barely suppressing the hopefulness from her voice. You couldn't torment the poor Princess like this anymore. You nodded, releasing your grip. She all-too-happily retreated the afflicted hoof from your reach.
"Fun," she said, seeming to test the word in her mouth. "Yes, Tom," she finally said, nodding, "That was certainly fun. Fun that I don't want to experience again any time soon." She waved at the door absently, staring at her notes blankly. "Go away, Tom, I need to... I need to rest."
Go away? GO AWAY? Suddenly, you found yourself deciding that her torture wasn't all that undesirable after all . While she was distracted, you grabbed the other, as-yet-unpunished hoof.
"Tom, what are y- NO." Her demeanor shifted back into a state of all-too-much focus as she realized what you're doing. "Tom, I beg of you, no more! PLEASE!" Didn't she realize that half the fun of tickling someone who can't break free is their useless pleading? You whistled as you slowly work off the slipper, bobbing your head to the tune. She shook her head uncontrollably. "No please Tom no please no more anything but that no please" She'd lapsed into a barely-restrained hysteria, not even bothering with whole sentences anymore – and you hadn't even done anything yet.
The slipper fell free, and the 'tip' of the hoof wiggled. On a real horse, it would have looked bizarre, but Equestrians had a distinctly different anatomy. On her it looked little different from a human foot attempting to protect itself when no other guardian was present. You slowly moved your off-hand towards her hoof. "Tom. Please. Don't do this. I'll give you anything you want, name it. Just... please, no more of this."
"You know, Luna, your offer is quite appealing." You stopped moving your hand towards her hoof, and looked at her. Her expression was overwhelmingly optimistic. Unfortunately for her, crushing her hopes and dreams was half the fun for you. "But on the other hand - hoof, whatever - I just find your laughter too goddamned cute." You returned to your slow approach towards her hoof.
She groaned, closing her eyes and tilting her head back. "What did I do to deserve this?" she asked whatever unseen force passes for God in Equestria. Despite yourself, you leaned towards her, and she met your gaze woefully. "You asked me what humans do for fun," you said evilly with a villainous smirk, before returning to the work at hand.