I am Andras, the cynogriffin that was chosen for my knowledge. I will be fighting against the evil gods and their champions to protect Equis. It will be difficult, as the other champions will likely be much stronger. Thankfully, there are others that will be fighting with me, so I'm not alone.
[This story is part of the Chess Game of the Gods, set 20,000 years before the main Chess Game and the show]
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This. ... Um.... In short: This is terrible.
Ok, I´ll try to be a bit more constructive:
First: Show, dont tell. A lot of this is endless dry descriptions of not really important things.
Second, your writing fells wooden and repetative. Vary your wordchoices a bit.
Third, the main character. We learn next to nothing about him, we are only told some things (Again, show dont tell). He dosent draw you in, and just seems boring. He also has dangerous hallmarks of a mary sue.
Theres no buildup, he just is in a library, interacts with a character that seems barely there, then goes to sleep while endlessly narrating everything around him, gets chosen by a godess with some of the most scripted, wooden sounding dialouge ever, has an internal monologue about it, consisting of captain obvious statements and more descriptions of things and traits. And then goes off, after another long description fof things from the scroll.
The world. Now, chessgame of the gods is a thing, so it could be forgiven if not everything is spelled out. But we know next to nothing, and what we have we dont see, its just described to us.
And the summarys. They just scream "badly written mary sue". And they seem to contradict each other, unless a cyrogriffin is a winged wolf. Which may be, while there is endless description of unimportant things, the reader still dosent know much.
I will give you points for correct grammar and spelling as far as i could see.
Still on the whole.... burn it down, and scatter the ashes. This... will not end well.
3982344
If you don't explain at least the basics to people who need it, they're never going to get better... When you say that, explain. Especially when it's about "show don't tell", the less understood writing notion ever, and a notion that one could very well shrug off sometimes anyway.
How is that related in any way to "show don't tell"? Explain.
Now that's slightly better than just throwing "show don't tell" at the writer.
It is.
As for the rest, well... I probably should have paid more attention to that guy's fic (I'm supposed to at least preread them all for the Chess Game prequel, but he wasn't there often so it was hard to help him, the most I could do was to fix his grammatical errors)...