I'm older than your average brony, but then I've always enjoyed cartoons. I'm an experienced reviewer, EqD pre-reader, and occasional author.
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An accident leaves Scootaloo fighting for her life, and while everypony tries to offer what help or comfort they can, a few may just learn something new: exactly what it means to be a sister.
Featured on Equestria Daily!
Thanks to a number of people who helped review this, including Logician, Ion-Sturm, Vimbert the Unimpressive, samurai anon, Present Perfect, and Chris.
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That went nowhere I expected, well done! And you've got a "filles" in there too.
Wow, this is great! I really liked how you characterized the presence, very few authors make it such a pleasure to read. The relationship between Scootaloo and the presence was quite interesting, as well as the bit about the past.
That was awesome!
And, considering this is only the third comment, clearly criminally underrated.
4038790
Thanks for the vote of confidence, but the story's not published yet. I didn't put a password on it so that people could read it from Augie's contest, but I'm waiting until I get feedback from a couple of participants in case I want to rework any of it. It'll probably go live for real in a couple of weeks.
4040241 This isn't published?
How on earth did I come across it, then? I seriously don't remember anymore. I'm not part of any groups and I don't pay attention to contests or read their entries...
...What?
You write a lot of stories about Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo. First Scootaloo is colour blind, then she has a minor heart condition. Now she falls off a building and nearly dies. What next? You need to continue the escalation until it reaches absurdity.
Seriously though, this was a beautiful story.
4043075
I noticed this some time ago. And you know what? Those are my two least favorite of the show's major characters. Go figure. I guess I just like molding them into characters I enjoy.
4043075
An accident during the execution of Operation Cutie Mark Crusaders Hay Bailing Machine Mechanics.
I feel somewhat bad criticizing on an unpublished story, though hopefully these comments will aid in your revisions.
I liked the concept here, with Scootaloo unknowingly having to choose between life and death. The scenes Scootaloo's dream, along with Luna and Twilight's intrusion into it, have an Inception like feel to it (and I mean that as a compliment). Luna's brief, somewhat mysterious comments about Scootaloo being able to eject them from the dream and her warnings about Nightmare moon provide a nice way of adding more tension to the scene as well as foreshadowing the events in rest of the story.
The story, however, feels somewhat disjointed. It was written for a Luna contest, yet she is not even mentioned in the first half of the story. Rather, it starts out focused on Scootaloo, then in the last third or so of the story starts to become more a story about Luna. While I can see what your goal is – their stories explore common themes of sisterhood and belonging – the stories come to different enough conclusions that the shift is still confusing (for example, Scootaloo wants to go into the afterlife because she doesn't feel a sense of belonging whereas Nightmare Moon fears Death because she lacks that sense of belonging). While you do a nice job of providing the necessary context to understand Scootaloo's actions and choices and showing the reader why she feels unwanted, Luna's story lacks the same development. Indeed, the main conflict in Luna's story – Nightmare moon's desire for forgiveness and her fear of death – is told rather than shown. Thus, I did not feel the same connection to Luna and Nightmare Moon as I did with Scootaloo, and Nightmare's decision to sacrifice herself for Scootaloo did not have the same emotional impact as Scootaloo's decision earlier in the story.
Nevertheless, this story was excellent and definitely leaves the reader with a lot to think about after closing the browser tab . I just think that providing a little bit more context and development for Luna would make this story even better.
4059752
Further characterization of NMM was something I'd already planned to address. As to Luna not appearing until halfway through... I don't see the issue. It's not a Luna story. It's a Scootaloo story. Augie's rules only said that Luna had to play a significant role in the story, not that she had to be the main character or even the focus.
Um... What's up with the title? None of the characters in the story are male.
4323166
"Because I could not stop for Death –
He kindly stopped for me –
The Carriage held but just Ourselves –
And Immortality."
-Emily Dickinson
4323182 I don't get it.
4323228
Death is the male - he waited for scoots to make the choice. And Skyblazer's comment is the poem the title is taken from.
4155369
(Don't know how to tag people so I used your comment instead).
Congrats on the EQD feature ( http://www.equestriadaily.com/2014/05/story-he-kindly-stopped-for-me.html )
This was fantastic! If I wasn't British, some points in this story would've had me in tears (I did get watery eye pride tho).
I enjoyed this thoroughly.
Putting this on my to-eat list cause pascoite. Is it because you could not stop for death?
D'you realize I reviewed this over a month ago? D: I feel bad, because none of those views are gonna count now.
Have a comment instead. :/
omg such a cute little story I love it
Very Nice.
4040266
Unknownlight, stop violating causality! I swear, if you quantum the polarity of the neutron flow one more time, you could quantum up all of time itself. And you wouldn't want that, would you?
4059752
Well, I don't want to say that you're objectively wrong, because art mumble subject mumble quantum mutter something about that urinal some guy hung in a museum and signed and also dadaism is a thing(that's about all I got out of my last art class, sorry,) but I have to disagree with you here. I found Nightmare Moon's story a lot more interesting and poignant than Scootalloo's. But then, I've always been a sucker for a good redemption story. Seriously, throw the word "redemption," "repentance," or "forgiveness" on anything, and I am so there. What I'm saying is that I think it's more a matter of taste than a matter of which part of the story he did a better job on.
"Because I could not stop for ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ
he kindly stopped for me.
The carriage held but just ourselves
and immortality."
Inb4 "The cake is a lie."
Wow. Just wow. I don't much do sad, cause the 'feels overflow' leaking out the eyeballs makes it hard to read, but this was definitely worth it. Well done in all aspects, good Sir and/or Madam.
This ws just so beautifully written. Great work, really. I especially like how everyone learned a lesson, even NMM and Death. I'm definitely going to read your other works!
I'll admit, this is the first fanfiction that made me shed a few tears. It's just so... tragically beautiful, with the whole Nightmare Moon bit and all.
Just... DAMN it's GOOD. Plain and simple. You definitely earned a favorite from me.
There's a backwards quotation mark when NMM goes ”YOU TELL HIM TO COME TO ME!”
I thought that if your pupils are irresponsive, you're probably brain dead. How could Scootaloo groan, and then have her pupils not respond to light?
What bothered me the most is that even though everybody knew what was going on, nobody told Scootaloo. "Hey, that shadowy guy right there is death incarnate, and if you go with him, you're going to die." Why not just tell her that rather than be all vague? Of course she won't know to turn back; she doesn't even realise what's happening.
The ending feels like a broken Aesop for me. I think I get what this was trying to say, but it comes off completely backwards. Rainbow clearly didn't care much for Scootaloo before the incident; if she had, she wouldn't have consistently ignored her. Now, after the incident, Rainbow is spending time with Scootaloo out of guilt and/or pity. That's the oppostite of what you were going for, I feel.
2deep4me?
This is one of these "My Little Pony" stories where Scootaloo is treated with the utmost respect.
This is one of these "My Little Pony" stories where Scootaloo is treated with the utmost respect.
4044925
Well I'm glad for it, because these are my two favourite ponies; Scootaloo especially.
I love that poem, and Emily Dickinson is my favorite poet of all-time.
That was good.
This... Is... So... Beautiful...
That's the most I've felt from a story in such a long time...
10/10 Good job sir!
I hope your story gets many more views as it truly is a beautiful tale...
I already contributed my view and upvote back before it counted, so have a comment for some bonus heat. Glad to see that this featureboxed (along with a favorable JohnPerry review, no less).
There are stories that makes me like death incarnate and most of them are often sarcastic, funny, or cool and scary. This is one of the few serious ones.
4326952
Pupils can be unresponsive from a concussion. I should know. I've had 7 of 'em.
Death basically did tell Scootaloo what her choice meant, but she didn't fully understand and was getting into a state where she never would. And Luna didn't resort to explaining it until she feels she has no choice for the same reason she advised Twilight not to fight her dream identity: because she felt it was too dangerous to shock Scootaloo's psyche. If that's too vague for you, I can understand, but as long as the story already is, I felt going off on a tangent about it would grind the momentum to a halt.
I will take issue with saying that Dash never cared about Scootaloo. Just because she put her off doesn't mean she didn't care. There are plenty of real-life examples of such. For example, just because someone doesn't call his grandparents every week doesn't mean he doesn't care about them. It just means that he didn't prioritize it, and much like Dash, he might find that he quickly re-prioritizes things when the threat of having them taken away reminds him of how much they mean to him. If all Dash felt was guilt, she wouldn't be doing any more than apologizing. Beyond that, she's being very affectionate toward Scootaloo.
4328023
Oh, I didn't realize John was doing review blogs of the feature box. Thanks for pointing that out. Looks like he hasn't been doing them for very long, though. Shouldn't take me long to catch up!
4328472
Ouch. Shows what I know.
But I still can't buy into how Rainbow Dash acted. I mean, there's not calling your grandmother every week, and then there's consistently hanging up on them every day when you know you're all they have. There's being a bit airheaded, and then there's just plain not caring. It feels like RBD simply doesn't care about Scootaloo, but then does a complete 180 and loves her like a sister forever.
But all that's just nitpicking. Like I said, I totally get what you were going for. It just didn't come off like you wanted, for me.
The only real "complaint" I can raise is Scoots being kept in the dark. Death was very vague about his explanation. All along, it seemed to me Scootaloo was convinced she's going off into a happy ever after with her sisters. She never seemed to realise that she's going to die. It feels like Death is cheating by not giving the full picture, and it feels like Luna is patronising Scootaloo by being afraid to tell her about death. Scootaloo made her choice without being fully aware (if at all) of what she was doing, which cheapens the entire resolution for me. As far as Scootaloo was concerned, she basically flipped a coin.
4328599
Okay, I can understand that. Whether Scootaloo makes her choice consciously or because she's too foggy to think clearly, it's still going to be hard to convince her to change her mind, which can introduce tension for different reasons. And some readers will be more receptive to one of the circumstances than the other.
You may be right, and it may be the weaker way to go, but I did so deliberately. Death shows his dissatisfaction with her decision, but he's also described as bound by law and protocol, so he can't do much about it. I hate to leave it as a YMMV thing, since it's never more than a vaguely satisfying resolution, but I may not be able to do any better than that.
In any case, I really appreciate the time you spent reading and thinking about it to leave such detailed comments and carry on a discussion about it.
*Reads this and gives a Wolf Bow with my forelegs fully out and touches my muzzle to the ground* Well Done. VERY well done and well Written
I give this:
And if they had one a NM one too
And she sure got my respect.
A fantastic story.
Amazing story. I can't even express how much I loved this.
4324995 I had posted that comment on a previous version of the story before 4155369 had added a few more scenes expanding on Luna and Nightmare Moon's stories. Those added scenes addressed my concerns, and created a much more satisfying character arc for NMM. I especially liked how she went from not understanding Rarity's generosity described in Twilight's friendship letters to sacrificing herself to save Scootaloo and her friends from the pain of her death. Whereas in the previous version of the story, I found it difficult to empathize with and understand NMM's decision, the new additions helped me connect with NMM's emotions as she made her choice.
I'll still disagree with Spinning_Rings, though, and maintain that Scootaloo's story is the more emotionally impactful to me. Here's something to think about: a few commentators have complained that Twilight or Luna should have just told Scootaloo what was going on. But she clearly recognizes Death, and knows where she's seen him before. She's also aware that the Rainbow Dash in her dreams in different than the real Rainbow Dash (repsresented by Twilight). Also, Pascoite never really reveals why Scootaloo jumped off of the clubhouse and why she's smiling when they find her. What if Scootaloo knew all along what she was choosing? What she made her choice before the story began? (Ok, the text makes clear that Scootaloo didn't understand the significance of her dream, but I do favor the interpretation that even if she did know she may have well made the same decision).
I really enjoyed that compassioante depiction of death. Well done.
Yeah, this is one of the few stories that have made me actively hate Rainbow Dash.
The way she acts, before and after, is...despicable
Haiku of farewell:
Winter returning
Peering into forever
One forgets treasure
♥•♥•♥•♥•♥•♥•♥•♥•♥•♥
Wonderful story.
I am absolutely at a loss for words, excellent story
So many feels
Ususally I dislike it when a story's main plot changes but this one is just right dude. Just so freaking right.
4328599 I think the main reason Rainbow's been somewhat neglectful is because she's a young adult. Sure, no pony's actual age is indicated, but Rainbow seems to be at least 18 (or less than that considering Equestrian Girls was high school) since she lives on her own successfully. But, like many young adults, she acts like a teenager; doing reckless things with half a thought to the consequences (stunts she does and the event of Read it and Weep), being lazy as hell and able to sleep away the day (various occasions), and avoids responsibility and other activities that relate to work (not moving clouds on time in episode 1, avoiding Pinkie in Griffon the Brush Off).
She's still a kid 
Rainbow doesn't always think before acting and doesn't always put other's thoughts into account (Latest episode: Trade ya) 
Is it still neglectful? Yeah, but we all make mistakes and hurt the people we're closest to a ton more than regular people for some reason. Scootaloo just had a dumb idea she based off the inaction of an idol.
Simply amazing.....
Dang, that was really good. Probably my favorite take on a post-show opener NMM that I've seen.
Loved it! But you need some help with the medical stuff. As a doctor working on an ICU, I wonder where does Nurse Redheart got her license. :P
That was an amazing story. Great job characterizing Death.