When tragedy strikes Spellflash, daughter of a Demon Hunter, she must carry on the family legacy and avenge her family. She eventually comes across her relatives and they give her information on how to carry out her mission, meeting friends along the way.
Page generated in 0.131 seconds
Total duration
1,091 users online
2,029,631 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Okay I'm too sleepy to do the whole grammar thing right now so I'll leave that.
As for the plot in the prologue:
You did a good job of explaining the protagonist's background, her family, etc...
The main problem I found with it was that this great and powerful demon just seemed underwhelming. An immortal and one of the most powerful beings in the world would surely have a few extra tricks up its sleeve. That part could have been drawn out by letting the demon actually put up a fight.
As for the pentagram and sigils, maybe go a bit more indepth with what it looked like. I'm not a person to meddle with the arcane so, to me, a sigil is just a squiggly line amongst other squigglies, maybe go into some more detail on the spell preparations. Build it up and cause some suspense.
Once again, you got plenty of information out in the prologue. That is both good and bad. The prologue is supposed to set the scene, but it also functions as an introduction, your hook, line, and sinker. You have to draw your audience in with this.
In my opinion, a good idea would be to split this chapter into two. An introduction and a prologue. An introduction to explain the mechanisms of demon hunters, where they came from, etc... Because it kind of just "poof" was there and left me a bit startled at first: "demon hunter?" and then I got into the protagonist's childhood. It left me kind of confused.
So, my opinion would be, have an introduction giving us a nice backstory on demon hunting, sigils, pentagrams, etc... doesn't have to be long, but make it interesting and captivating. After that, have the prologue giving the character's background information. once again, doesn't have to be long since much of it should have been covered in the introduction.
Great start, will start on the rest now.
First, right off the bat, I'd suggest you change 40 minutes to something else. For one thing, a young mare just lost her home and family, it'd take longer to mourn, gather supplies, etc.. Maybe she has a strong will and determination, if so, mention it somewhere. Also, it's surprising how no one noticed such a large disturbance in a city.
(BTW is this inspired by Supernatural? Is so, I love you.)
So far so good, going into detail about the journal was a great idea. Anything to make us understand Demon Hunter lore, the better.
The only problem I see is that I have no clue what the main character looks like. Remember, you can't rely on the cover to do that. I actually never even saw it so I was a bit confused. So some description (there's more than one method, you don't have to say: "she has black hair, tanned skin, etc..." you can slip it in... there's terminology for that but I forgot what it's called. Have it brought up in dialogue, as you're describing an action, throw in a description of the protagonist, etc..."
So yeah, basically, just those two points, the rest is looking great.
417309
Yeah, I know. My biggest problem is detail. The whole story was kind of like, basic ideas then add detail later.
So how should I split it then? I'm not completely sure where I should draw the line on lore/intro stuff. This is my first story I've released to the public so I'm not real knowledgeable of what to do.
That I can't help you with. I don't know nearly enough about what you want the story to be.
My suggestion: Anything general, anything not pertaining to the main character and her family: introduction. History of hunters, what they do, how they do it.
Prologue: Family stuff. Mother, father, life, death, etc...
417434
Okay, I think I got a good idea of what to do now. Thanks.
Wow, that was really good. I can see a lot of improvement even from the last chapter, and especially the first couple. I really like the way the story is progressing, and I look forward to more. The only grammatical comment I have is that the first line says "Spellflash ya' are okay", shouldn't it be "are ya' okay?"
584552
Yeah that makes more sense. Thanks man.
586911 No problem, I'm always here to help if you need it.
586927
Changed it. Well, originally it was "Spellflash! You're okay!" But that didn't make sense with his accent.
First of all, bravo sir. This is quickly becoming one of the stories that I look forward to seeing new chapters made. And especially when the length is doubled like this one. Also, I see your writing ability steadily improve as to where I can go from other stories that are super professionally written, (and I'm not saying your's isn't) to your's and I don't see very many differences at all. I really only have one thing you may want to change, and its small, but the last sentence in like 2 paragraphs are tabbed in with the next paragraph, but that's the extent of my grammatical report. I also applaud you for your use of "squee" in the first paragraph. But overall, it's great, maybe have someone else look it over to see what my not-so-keen eyes may have missed.
657038
Including you, I have about 5 people that help me edit. So...yeah.
Also. THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT! I love you.
Well, I guess I'll have to write more often. Psh, my writing isn't professional. I've just gone to high school and pay attention in English class. I'm a big grammar nazi and I like to make sure everything makes sense, read it through a bunch of times. etc. I can't see where you're talking about in the editing, so it was easily missed, thanks. Yeah, I used a few things from the show. It's pretty fun.
657402 I figured you had it read a couple of time because I see errors in stories that are months old and have never been fixed, just because people don't see them. I'm always happy to help with this kind of stuff, it is an honor. Are you still sending it to Equestria Daily?
657438
I need to find a new cover art. I've kind of been asking around. I would use the one from the pony generator, but the guide on EQD says it looks amateur, so, I gotta wait til I find something better.
657446 That was one thing I was thinking about telling you, but I'm sure its difficult to find something that's related. But good luck with that.
657484
I was going to have an artist draw one for me. But, I don't know if it would cost, or if the artist likes my story enough. or what. Idk. It just kind of angers me that I'm limited to what people see just because my cover art is lame. I'm sure the more people that see it, the more it would become popular, n' such.
657515 It's amazing what a picture can do, isn't it? I know I will pass up a story sometimes is the cover art is stupid or if it doesn't have one at all. Your's really isn't so bad, it just doesn't tell a lot about the story.
657521
Yeah it's just Spell in a random background from the pony generator thingydoodle. I don't suppose you got any ideas for me?
657539 Only thing I have is maybe some sort of diary thing of Spell's with a pentagram or better yet her cutie mark on it. Maybe something along those lines.
657567
I'd draw it myself, but I am pretty sucky at art. Do you think I could do a post on FJ and see if someone will bite?
657580 That could work. Put one in Ponytime, and maybe one in the pony art thread or whatever it is.
657586
Alright. What do you think I should say... Something like,
Artist wanted for a fanfic that I'm writing. I need some cover art for it before I try to post it to Equestria Daily. Please PM me to work out the details. Here is a link to my fanfic, in case you haven't read it and are interested. (link)
Thank you for your consideration.
657599 I think that sounds good. Not too pushy, but gives enough detail. Go for it
657606
Okay. I posted them through. Now I play the waiting game. Thing is, I can't wait up for it. I gotta get up in the morning for work.
So, I hope I see some responses tomorrow. I suppose I just have to wait for it to happen.
657627 I'm sure you'll find someone right for it. Good luck anyways. Also good night, see ya later
First: WOOOHOOOOO
More chapters.
Second: Great job once again, it's getting pretty intense. I look forward to more fighting and such.
I only found 1 error, "I stopped feeding the spell and the cylinder slowly shrunk until the the beam dissipated entirely", the is just repeated here.
I can't tell you how much I enjoy this story, I'm so glad you told me about it.
*claps
703515
Fixed the error. Thank you so much for following my story so intently.
703532 Thanks for writing such an interesting story.
703538
Holy *squee* it's 12:00! I gotta get to bed. Talk to you later.
703568 Night bro
Duuuddddeeeee. That was awesome.
It felt like I was playing a video game, and Malice-Bringer was a boss battle, it was just so epic
Speaking of video games, when Spell chants the 2nd word of power for her new abilities, I immediately think of Skyrim and learning new shouts.
But anyways, great job, I can't wait for more.
745346
That's kind of what I was going for. Nice catch. Did you get a feel though?
Was that supposed to be the reference for this chapter?
Also yes, not a huge feel, I didn't get too attached to Sabrina, Salem, and Sophie, so yeah, but just for a second. Not to say it wasn't sad though. If it would have been Uncle Joel there though, that's a whole different story.
745395
Not necessarily a reference filled chapter. I said look for them, not make them. Yeah, I know. But still. daskindasad.jpg
Wow, I just noticed all of their names start with S. What the *squee* is with my obsession with S names.
Hmm, interesting point. You must subconsciously be attracted to the letter S. bow chicka bow wow. I admit, that one didn't even make sense, I just felt like it was needed.
745451
Okay, well I'm glad you enjoyed. Also glad that you're encouraging me to write chapters. :) Without you I may have stopped already. Who knows?
Goodnight. I gotta get up for work. Talk to you later. Maybe we can play reach after I get off work.
745451
Okay, well I'm glad you enjoyed. Also glad that you're encouraging me to write chapters. :) Without you I may have stopped already. Who knows?
Goodnight. I gotta get up for work. Talk to you later. Maybe we can play reach after I get off work.
745477 It's my pleasure. Some Reach sounds good tomorrow. Night bro.
Very nice. I like the location changes and now the go go gadget side quest. Is this going to tie in with meeting the mane six? Or do I just have to wait and find out? Probably the second one. But anyways, great job.
777390
I ain't telling you jack. It's all in my noodle. You'll see. However, Funnyjunk seems to be down. I was going to tell you that I sent in the submission to EQD. :)
So now I sit and wait. It took to long for me to put that out though, I'll check my email in the morning and see what happens. I gotta get to bed.
Peace bro.
777415 That's awesome. I can't wait to see what EQD says. But goodnight bro.
That was fucking great. They way Sophie is coming along is hilarious. Ponies+Alcohol=Insta-win. But I'm not sure I caught the reference you put in there, and I'm lazy, so you may have to tell me. But once again, great job.
859735
How Spell's kind of bi-curious?
Anyways, Thanks as always. Gotta sleep.
859735oh right, the reference. the doctor who part where she says its bigger on the inside.
859779 Okay cool, now that you say that it makes sense. Also kinda like the Order of the Phoenix house in Harry Potter.
But also fuck yeah for bi-curiousness.
I just read this in 30 minutes, and I will have to say that I will be following this now
936764
Good to hear. Thanks man.
GOLD!!!!
OINK!!!!