Bad Mondays

by Handyman

Chapter 8 - The Equestrian Express

Did you know that the Badlands were actually south of Equestria? Handy certainly didn’t. As such, Handy was treated to an extensive and boring train ride. Long because of the rather absurd distances they had to cover in what effectively mounted to a steam train, boring because all he did was just sit across from his employers and generally look like a sith lord for three days. Practically nopony with the exception of the steward pushing the tea cart dared even pass down the aisle between the griffons and the human.

In fact, the carriage they were in was effectively empty. What few brave, or foolish, ponies dared stay in the same carriage stuck close to the doors, with ponies quickly shuffling off the train as soon as their stop came. Briefly, he considered what stories they were going to tell about the bipedal metal-bound monster that rode in their train as they passed through southern Equestria. Handy had to get used to sleeping in his seat while the griffons went to the sleeping cabins. This was a practical decision since he would probably cause a small panic if he went to the beds. It was uncomfortable trying to sleep in armour, but those three days provided good practice as they made the changeover several times.

He woke up on the morning of the fourth day as they were nearing a train station in Western Equestria, a small village called Hoofshire. However, that wasn’t what caught Handy’s interest. What did was the fact that the curtains of the window he sat next to were drawn open. You see, he had taken to closing them to prevent blinding his employers, and somebody had had the incredible audacity to open them. That somebody was actually a pair of someponies. In armour. Sitting across from him at the table.

‘Well… This should be good for a lark.’ He shook his head ever so slightly to make them aware he had woken up. “May I help you, kind sir, ma’am?” The pair of guard ponies flicked their ears in surprise, but otherwise did not make any facial expression.

The two made an odd pair. One was white and the other one was dark grey with tuft ears. Their barding didn’t match either. The white pegasi had gold, honest to god gold armour, with a crested helm with blue plumage, light blue eyes, and a stern expression. His partner was… quite different. The mare was a pegasus as well, but her wings were… leathery, bat-like almost. Her armour was in stark contrast to the white one, dark blues and soft purples with a crested helm that imitated the style of her wings, all serving to accentuate her distinctive, golden, slitted eyes. Well, he had certainly never seen a pony like THAT before, but he got the distinct impression that it might not be in his best interests to enquire about it.

It was the white pegasus that replied first after spending nearly a full thirty seconds looking straight at Handy’s eyes. Which he couldn’t see – kinda hard to stare down a guy with a full helm, bro. “We hope you don’t mind, but we’ve been traveling a long time, and we merely wished to sit to rest our legs,” he answered, still stone-faced. Handy slowly turned his head to look around. There was literally nobody else in the carriage. Hell, he was still sure most ponies were still asleep. Ivorybeak certainly was, the layabout. He turned his head back to the ponies before him.

“Then you are welcome to sit with me as you please,” Handy said, shifting in his cloak. He got back into a quasi-comfortable position so he could get back to sleep, or at least pretend to. The clinking his armour caused the two ponies to tense, but Handy pretended to ignore it, lowering his head as if to doze off again, his hand gently resting on the head of his war hammer, ready to pull it out of its holding at a moment’s notice. He stayed like that for some time until the mare cleared her throat, getting wise to the fact that Handy was in no mood for playing their game by their rules.

“Forgive us, but we must ask. What is your name?” she asked, polite as you like. She even smiled. It was then he noticed she had fangs. Well, now that was interesting, but two could play at that game, darling, and Handy was not about to show his cards yet.

“I am Handy,” he responded, “of Milesia. Mercenary and Adventurer.” Hopefully that covered their inevitable question about his armour.

“Do you have a licence to seek work in Equestria?” the white one asked abruptly. Handy froze, not entirely sure on how to answer. It never occurred to him that the country might have laws regulating adventuring. In fact, the thought actually seemed absurd even though it made a kind of sense. After all, he, well Joachim really, was responsible for the destruction of a mine.

“I am not seeking work in Equestria,” he decided to answer, neither saying yes or no to the question.

“Then why are you on a train traveling the country if that is the case?” the bat pony asked. Handy was nervous now. This had gone from a polite conversation to an interrogation quite quickly. Now that he thought about it, when did these guards get on? He didn’t recall the train having to make a stop in the night. In fact, he was sure the train had no such stop scheduled at all, and he would’ve noticed these two at a previous train station with the way they stuck out.

“I am already in employment,” Handy admitted. “Escorting my charges to their destination. I am sorry, but who exactly are you two?” he decided to ask, challenge in his voice. He didn’t like this. He had a poor opinion of the guards he had seen of Equestria. These two, however, were… different. They seemed more confident, competent. He saw the mare casually place her hooves on the table between the three of them. She was wearing horseshoes that covered her up to her fetlocks. They had two sharp-looking blades on each hoof, barely poking out. He also tasted ionization on the air, as if some electrical force were running openly across exposed wires, but he had seen no evidence of such a thing during his entire stay on the train. And it felt like it was coming from the white, stony-faced pegasus.

“Aha, I’m afraid we’ll be asking the questions, big guy,” she said, smiling gently. Handy immediately decided he hated her, the arrogant nag.

“Just answer our questions. What are you?” Mighty Whitey asked.

“Excuse me?” Handy asked, still keeping his noble airs evident even if his patience was running dangerously low.

“I asked what you are, what species.”

“I am a human, good sir,” Handy answered.

“And what exactly is a human?” he asked quickly. Ohhhhh, white boy, you just made Handy’s shit list.

“Whatever he damn well pleases to be,” Handy said by way of answer.

“I’d advise you don’t get snippy with us,” the bat pony warned, still wearing her smile. He noticed the claws in her little boots extended ever so slightly. “It’s in your best interest to cooperate.”

“And what exactly am I co-operating in?” Handy challenged, his blood rising. He was not about to take shit from a pair of fucking ponies playing pretend soldier. “I recognize you are guards of this kingdom of some sort, but here I was, sleeping, bothering no pony, and you are here treating me as if I am a criminal?”

“It is our duty to determine threats to the ponies of Equestria,” the white one responded, “and eliminate them if necessary,” he threatened. Handy tensed, considering his options. The two ponies were smaller than him, faster. The armour would weigh them down, sure, but they obviously could fly, which might give them a bit of an advantage. However, the carriage was cramped compared to open air, and Handy was a big bastard by comparison. He could swing and hit them and easily take them out, although it was not ideal fighting ground, but this was, of course, assuming they didn’t use their speed and agility advantage to knock him off his feet. Then he’d be beyond fucked. And there was the movement of the train to consider. He could always throw off his cloak and use his armour to blind them, but then he would’ve assaulted law enforcers of Equestria, possibly even its military. He could hardly hide, for Handy stood out. A lot. He needed to diffuse this quickly.

“I am no threat to the ponies of Equestria,” Handy said. The white one’s eyes narrowed, and the grey pony’s smile widened.

“Then you’ll have no objection to coming with us,” the mare said. “Or wou—”

“Is there a problem here?” Ivorybeak walked up the table. The two ponies turned to him, but only enough to keep Handy well within sight. The noblegriffon had a concerned look on his face.

“Royal business,” Mighty Whitey responded. “Our apologies, citizen.” Ivorybeak looked at Handy. Handy thought quickly. Royal business? Holy shit, who did he piss off!?

“Merely a friendly conversation, my lord Ivorybeak,” Handy said. The two ponies blinked simultaneously. Ah, gotcha. “The two good officers here were merely asking me a few questions, as I am sure you understand, good lord.” Ivorybeak nodded.

“Ah yes, I suppose that is understandable,” he said, reasoning Handy’s imposing countenance was the cause for the guards ponies’ caution. It wasn’t, but he didn’t need to know that, and Handy couldn’t tell him even if he himself did.

“Lord?” the bat mare asked. Ivorybeak puffed his chest out.

“Yes, quite. I am Lord Heinrich Ivorybeak, Count of Munsiter, Chancellor of the court of King Gerhart Blackwing of Gethrenia,” he said. The bat mare’s hoof blades retracted ever so slowly, and he felt the ionization lessen. Handy smiled. “Handy the Heartless here is my bodyguard as I execute my duties. If you would like, I can show my papers regarding my travels through your kingdom, should you require it.” The white stallion looked at Handy hard for a few seconds before answering.

“Yes, if you would be so kind,” he said. Ivorybeak called for Hirsild, and the young griffon came up and handed Ivorybeak a roll of parchment which he handed to the gold clad pony. He opened it and spread it across the table with his hooves. Handy noticed he had similar hoof boots as his comrade, even if the aesthetic design was a tad fancier. And golden. Handy’s smile grew wider as he saw the stony-faced pony’s eyes widen. The bat mare looked curiously over his shoulder. “So… I see.” He looked back up to the griffons and handed the parchment back.

“Yes, quite. I do so apologise if Handy here caused any consternation,” Ivory said.

“My apologies,” Handy said, inclining his head, smiling all the way. “It was not my intention at all, to cause concern,” Handy lied. “Do you still require anything of me?” Handy asked. He saw the white stallion grind his teeth as the train slowed down, pulling into its stop.

“No,” the pony said at last. Diplomatic immunity, motherfucker! Handy stood to his full height, causing them all to look up. The bat mare’s smile shrank. Handy’s didn’t. He turned and bowed slightly to Ivory.

“Shall I carry your bags, my lord?” he asked.

“That won’t be necessary, Handy, that’s what Hirsild is here for.” Handy saw Hirsild roll her eyes behind Ivory’s back. “Come along now,” he said, walking to the exit as the train stopped.

“As you will, my lord,” Handy said, reaching up to take his packs from the storage above him. With his cloak spread, and the sunlight shining on his armour, he saw the two ponies flinch. Carrying the packs over his shoulders, he stopped to nod once more to the two ponies, digging it in as it were. “Sir, ma’am,” he said simply and strolled casually out of the carriage, not noticing the coin fall from his pack.

The two ponies remained where they sat, fuming. The white one hit the table with his hoof. “Buck it! We had him!” he swore. The train was going nowhere, cooling down as the mechanics worked on the engine. No one was on the tracks waiting to board.

“Calm down, he’s a mercenary remember? He can’t stay in the bird’s protection forever,” the mare consoled, placing a hoof on the stallion’s shoulder. “Still, it would have been good to have just a little taste…”

“Midnight!” the stallion cried.

“Hey hey! I just wanted to know what the fuss was about. I mean, you heard what it did to Onyx and Shimmer,” she protested.

“That’s exactly why the pair of them are suspended. You know the rules.”

“It’s not our fault we need blood!”

“I never said it was…,” he said, rubbing his neck. The mare blinked.

“Awwww, jealous?” She smirked.

“No. I just don’t want you to get into trouble. It’s different when you take from me. At least we can hide that.”

“You’re a sweetheart, really. But hey, no one said we had to tell anypony I took a bit if we got a hold of him.” The stallion just looked at her. “Sides, not like it matters now. He’s with that dang griffon.” She sighed and looked down, seeing a gold coin and smiling. “But hey, at least that means we got good luck,” she said, reaching down and picking up the coin.

“Hang on a sec,” the stallion said, reaching for the coin. “Let me have a look at that.”

“Hey!”

“I’ll give it back, just give me a second,” he said, looking the coin over. “Huh, this is all gold,” he said, impressed.

“I found it first!” the mare protested. “Gimmie!”

“Alright alright, just hang on a sec.” He looked closely at the side of the coin. There were a lot of tiny characters written there, but he didn’t understand the language. “What’s this now…”

The hooded figure was careful to walk across the platform, trying to stay out of sight of the distracted royal guards still aboard the train. She drew the hood tighter about her as she looked to the griffons and human walking off into the village. Crimson’s eyes narrowed. She had her orders, and soon her mistress would have her weapon and their answers, and then…

Well, time would tell.

--=--

So Joachim was a hard bastard to find.

The three of them scoured town after town. Hoofshire was a bust, having seen no griffons other than Hirsild and Ivorybeak. Handy was getting quite tired lugging his shit around, but he stuck through it. For some reason, the royal guard had a bone to pick with him, and the griffons were his only protection.

Eventually, they came upon a clue, two days after they had arrived in Hoofshire. It was at a farm several miles from Foalsdale. Apparently, the farmpony, an apple farmer apparently who had branched out and occasionally grew oranges, had spotted a griffon hauling a wagon with several crates down towards the town of Caulkins. That certainly had lifted their spirits. When questioned, the brown stallion stated that the griffon had looked worse for wear, his coat very dirty, and he had this haunted look about his face, right miserable-looking. His daughter had tried to offer him some help, but the griffon had rudely shrugged her off.

Aaaaand that had lowered their spirits again. If that was Joachim, he was obviously not having a good time. They had then made their way to the town of Caulkins. It was a cramped, dark-looking town by the river side, squashed between the river bank and a high cliff with overhanging trees and foliage. There was one main road that went downhill one end and uphill the other, depending on which direction one entered the town from, of course. The wooden buildings were characterised by high sloped roofs with dark, mahogany tiles. Handy wasn’t sure about the practicality of that, but hey, wasn’t his town.

The three of them entered the town and Handy was treated to the usual reaction. Honestly, it had gotten boring and he hardly noticed it anymore. Following Ivory’s lead, they reached the town centre. He informed them they should split up and search for Johan, or Joachim as Handy knew him. The griffons split off and began questioning the ponies of the town. Handy stood there for a minute, trying to pick a direction, when he spied a wooden cart with a tarp drawn over it just outside a tavern, a smashed bottle of orange substance on the ground beside it.

Handy had a fair idea of where he might find his griffon.

--=--

He stumbled at the counter, knocking over yet another cup. Thankfully, it was empty this time.

“I think you’ve had enough, pal,” the barkeep said, a rather large-looking teal stallion.

“Ssssshuddap,” the griffon said, head on the counter, feathers sticky from dried alcohol and butter beer, peanuts in the down of his wings which themselves looked dishevelled as he splayed them over the nearby stools, uncaring to even retract them. “Aaand get me anuddah…”

“Hey pal—”

“It’s alright,” a soft voice from behind him said, accompanied by heavy hoof falls. “I’ll pay his tab.” He heard the clink of a coin on the counter and the thud of a full tankard. Joachim didn’t bother to open his eyes, but his wing twitched nervously as whoever the fuck this pony was pushed his right wing aside to sit beside him with a heavy sigh.

“What yer selling mm’not buying…” The griffon huffed and turned his head away, thereby getting the other side of his feathery head stained with spilled beer. The stallion beside him shifted his weight. Sounded like he was carrying a lot of metal.

“Not selling anything. Just saw you here at the counter and thought you could use the company.”

“Wadda you care?” Joachim slurred.

“Oh, I don’t, but I did say I’d be back, now didn’t I?” Joachim cracked his eyes open slowly. What the hell? “Our fella.”

Joachim shot up and stared at the human sitting beside him, not believing his eyes. “H-Handy?” he asked, rubbing his eyes with his claws, immediately regretting it as he had yet to wash them and thus causing his eyes to sting and water. The human gave him an amused expression. Joachim gave the human a once over. He was wearing a very intricate suit of armour and a dark heavy cloak. He had a helmet sitting on his lap and was missing his beard. “Wh-What… I-I mean… I tried finding you and and… What happened?” Handy chuckled.

“Would you believe… nothing much?” Joachim gave him a deadpan glare. Handy laughed. “Okay okay, some shit happened. Maybe I’ll tell you about it, but really, it’s a boring story. I’m actually here to find you as it turns out”

“W-Why?” Joachim asked timidly, now looking down at the floor. “I left you in that forest. I thought you were arrested. I tried finding you, honest! I just, I couldn’t—”

“Oh calm man, you wouldn’t have found me if you tried,” Handy said truthfully. “Not when I didn’t want to be found.”

“Oh…” Joachim’s face was confused, not sure how he should respond. “Then why did you come to find me now?”

“I got paid to,” Handy said simply, shit-eating grin present and accounted for. “Your Highness.” Joachim’s face sunk.

“…H-How did you find out?”

“A little bird told me. Goes by the name of Count Ivorybeak,” Handy responded, drinking the untouched tankard. It was bitter but flavourful. “So… Wanderlust huh?” he teased, his smile fading a bit as he saw the distraught look on Joachim’s face. He sighed. “Look man, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just… I don’t know why they’re… Why is he looking for me?”

“I don’t rightly know,” Handy said. “But he’s the chancellor of King Gerhart’s court, so I imagine it’s something big. Say, you’re a prince right? What the hell are you doing out here anyway?” Handy asked seriously. “Isn’t that kind of irresponsible of you? Don’t tell me you ‘wanted something more’ and tried to skip out on inheriting your father’s throne.”

“N-No… It’s not like that. I’m not in the succession… not anymore,” Joachim responded, rubbing a shoulder. Handy’s brow furrowed.

“Bed the wrong woman?” he asked plainly, trying to think of reasons for why a prince would flee his kingdom when it hadn’t been conquered. The question caused Joachim to start and fluster.

“N-No! Never, I mean I never even… Look, no, that’s not the reason.”

“Then what? I mean yeah, if you’re not likely to get the throne, it’s tempting to go off and carve out a niche for yourself in the world and all. I get that, but you are kind of needed in case something happens after all. Isn’t that the reason behind the whole ‘heir and a spare’ business?”

“I lost a duel alright!?” Joachim near shrieked, his wings flaring. Handy was suddenly grateful the tavern was practically deserted. The barkeep made to look like he was busy and not eavesdropping, but Handy didn’t care. Joachim placed his head on the counter and put his claws over it. “My brother challenged me for the inheritance, convincing my father that I wouldn’t be fit for the position.” Joachim gritted his teeth and stared death at a bottle in front of him. “I was chosen by the nobles as the best choice, and not five weeks after I was announced as the crown prince, my brother had spread rumours about my incompetence.”

Handy thought for a moment. So the griffons of his kingdom chose the heir to the throne by voting among the favoured sons of the king. Sounded like a tanistry system to him, which was interesting for historical reasons, but he put that to one side. “So you fought him?” he asked, taking a sip of his beer.

“No…,” Joachim said, shame in his voice. Handy raised an eyebrow.

“You ran?” he asked, challenge in his voice.

“Do I look like a coward to you?” Joachim rounded on Handy and jabbed at his chest. Handy shook his head. Whatever else he could say about the griffon, he certainly was no coward. More stupid than brave, sure, but not a coward. He had learned that well enough in the mine. Joachim calmed again. “I fought his second. My brother is a sickly and weak griffon, but he has a silver tongue unlike anything you’ve ever heard. I couldn’t get a second if I tried and had to fight Knight Shortbeak myself.”

“You lost to a guy called Shortbeak?”

“Laugh it up, blighter broke my wing.”

“So the shame was too much? Is that why you left?” Handy probed. Joachim sighed.

“No, my brother gloated after I lost, and my father had no choice but to acknowledge him as the winner and new crown prince with the ascent of the nobility.” He sneered. “He was always the spiteful, spoiled sort. He threatened to make me the court fool and other ignominious fates. Life in the palace became intolerable. I was a laughingstock! I had to… I just had to leave, going anywhere, I didn’t care.”

“How is it that you can duel over the right to inherit a throne? That doesn’t sound too stable to me.”

“It’s an old custom, and it works. Its intent is to prevent other claimants from pressing their claims in civil war. Through the ascent of the title holder and his vassals, one claimant can challenge the favoured heir in a duel. By winning, he becomes the new heir. It may sound bad but it has worked for centuries and has a rich tradition. No one dares break it.”

Handy was silent for a moment, thinking. “And now your father wants you back. “You think your brother lost his claim?” Joachim shook his head.

“If anything like that happened, it’d be big news. I’d have heard about it by now.” he sulked. “I don’t know why dad wants me back. The look on his face…” Handy finished his drink.

“Well… Whatever he wants, I suppose it’s about time we got you to him.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re a miserable wreck. Look at you!” Handy said, gesturing at the state of Joachim. The griffon looked himself over. “You clearly aren’t happy out here.”

“Well, yeah, but what of it? I may have been a wreck this past week but that’s because I thought I got you in prison… or worse.”

“Yeah but what’s ludicrous danger between friends? Come on, let’s get you cleaned up before I take you to lord Ivory-arse.” Joachim snickered.

“Hey, he’s not a bad guy.”

“Since when has that stopped me?”

--=--

So by way of cleaning the bird up, Handy took him to a fountain, and using his heavy gauntleted hands, forced the water to spray at the startled griffon. Well, it wasn’t the best, but it would have to do for now, even if it made him look like a giant drowned rat. Handy was actually overjoyed to learn that the crates Joachim had taken with him were, in fact, salamander salve. As much as Flim and Flam were pretty high on his shit list, he had to admit, he fucking loved them for the creation they had made.

“My prince!” Ivorybeak exclaimed as the pair walked back to the centre of town at the agreed time. He walked over and bowed his head. “It is so good to finally find you! Your father… Forgive me, His Majesty has been sick with worry.” Joachim’s eyes were downcast. Handy looked down at both of them. Ivory turned to the human henchman. “My thanks, Sir Handy, for you have been most helpful. I release you of your service. Hirsild?” The griffon approached Handy and offered him a bag of gold. Handy took it, concerned.

“It has been a… pleasure, my lord.” ‘Shit shit shit, I didn’t think I’d be released this early!’ “However, art thou sure you no longer require my services? The woods are rarely safe.”

“I had considered it, good sir,” Ivorybeak said imperiously. Joachim showed Hirsild to the wagon. Hirsild sighed as she strapped herself in. “But considering our little run in with the royal guard, I think it is best we part ways.”

“Royal guard?” Joachim asked.

“Long story, your Highness,” he answered.

“Quite,” Ivory agreed. “Now come along, your Majesty, I am sure we can make do.” He made to move off as Hirsild pulled the wagon along. Joachim looked up at Handy, tapping his beak. Handy’s head was downcast.

‘The hell am I going to do now? Perhaps live in the woods? I don’t remember doing anything too terrible… Okay, I kicked the shit out of that one pony ranger before Charity Bell kidnapped me, but really! It was only a little grievous bodily harm…’

“Got anywhere to be?” Joachim asked. Handy looked down at Joachim, or should that be Johan? He frowned beneath his helmet.

“Not particularly…”

“And you did tell me you’d tell me the story of where you’d been…,” he said, smiling. “And I want to know this business between you and the guard.”

“…Yes?” he asked, not entirely sure where he was going with it. Ivorybeak turned around.

“Your Highness? Are you coming?”

“Then I have decided you’ll work for me,” Joachim said, his head raised and chest puffed out. Handy’s mind reeled; he hadn’t even considered the possibility.

“Your Highness! I know the mercenary is skilled but surely we can do without—”

“As you will, your Highness,” Handy said, smiling. ‘Perfect, if a count can protect me from the guard, a prince would do an even better job.’

“Wh-Wha-What!?” Ivory stuttered. Hirsild snickered at her lord’s blustering.

“I have known Handy since before you met him. He is a good and reliable sort. I’d have no other guard us,” Joachim said. Handy noted the incline in his voice and smirked at the irony. Whereas he was a common man pretending to be noble, Joachim was the exact opposite. Ivorybeak continued to protest, but Joachim just walked on past him, calling Handy along.

Ivorybeak grumbled along the way for the rest of the day as they reached a small station near the Brackenwoods. Apparently the area was known for its satyrs or something. Handy wasn’t paying attention. The small band waited here. When Handy asked why they simply didn’t go straight to the Hoofshire station, which was closer, rather than this one out in the middle of nowhere, he was simply told that this was a far more important route. Not that he was one to argue, being the hired help, but you normally don’t associate train stops in the middle of nowhere as being important, enquiring further proved illuminating.

Apparently this station was a usual stopping point for the Equestrian Express, the engineers stopping here to refill their water supplies for the engine. Handy didn’t like it. More than once he found his hand reaching for his hammer as he heard hurried hooffalls in the woods around him. He was told to pay no mind, that they were merely satyrs and the worst they would do was snatch the food from your mouth if you were stupid enough to eat out in the open. Still…

They had waited an hour for the train to arrive, Joachim and Ivory filling the time with idle chit chat and pleasantries that ultimately had no substance. Handy and Hirsild stood there, bored and exhausted, Hirsild more than Handy, given her own load. Honestly, it was almost a relief when the train rounded the bend and… Holy shit this thing was huge.

The huge black steam engine was easily twice the size of that of the rather fruity and girly-looking train he had just travelled on from Pawstown. The carriages looked like they were double decked, and a fair number of large carriages had no windows at all. He later learned this train was a dedicated trading vehicle, a joint project between Equestria and the Griffon Kingdom. Considering the large distances and rough terrain between griffon and pony centres of trade, it was considered more economical to construct a train to go back and forth and maintain the tracks rather than the cost of fleets of couriers carrying vast amounts of goods over the mountains every year.

Handy didn’t argue, merely glad this train’s passengers were mostly griffon tradesmen. Good, that meant he wouldn’t need to worry about spooking them when he tried to go to bed at night.

--=--

Yes he did.

Handy sighed. Sitting by the window, he leaned over the table, the blinds shuttered. It had been nearly a week but at least they were nearing the Equestrian/Griffon border. And all that time, he had to sit in the carriage and sleep there. The griffons were nearly as freaked out by the human than the ponies and practically panicked when his hood fell and the sun hit the side of his head. This was getting old.

He crossed his arms and lay his head down to rest.

“So just… Let me get this straight… You killed Chrysalis?”

“I didn’t kill her, I merely beat her.” Handy groaned. “Bashed her head a few times on the floor.

“Uh-huh, and what were those horse apples you were feeding me about not hitting women?”

“Look, I’m not proud of it, okay? It’s been bothering me, alright? At least she didn’t kill me when she had the chance, not that you could blame her. I was not… myself…”

“And she gave you this pendant?” Joachim asked, holding the blue jewel to his eye level, the soft light from it highlighting his features.

“Yeeep.”

“After you killed a dragon?” he asked, handing the pendant back to Handy.

“Well, more like fell on it.”

“How did you survive?”

“Asked for divine assistance.”

“No, really.”

“Really, that’s what I did. Whacked away at the supports and prayed I’d live to tell about it.”

“You’re... And you call me reckless!”

“I do, and you are, but moving on, that’s why I have the designs on my armour.”

“Did you really ask for it to be like that?”

“Ha, no. The blacksmith did this on her own volition.”

“Because you killed a minotaur.”

“Broke his rib cage, not killed.”

“Still!”

“Look, I didn’t have a choice alright? I kinda… lost my temper.”

“And the whole sparkling thing?” Joachim said, eyeing Handy’s vambraces. There was a sliver of moonlight sneaking through the curtains as the train rumbled along. Handy hurriedly closed the curtain tighter.

“No idea, the blacksmith didn’t know either. My guess? God thought it’d be funny.”

“You know, it kinda is.”

“Fuck you, your Majesty,” Handy said, drinking the coffee placed before him. “Anyway, what have you been doing since the run in with the rangers?” Joachim took a minute to answer

--=--

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The griffon held on to the wagon for dear life as it rumbled its way down the hill. The windmill was on fire as the pegasi lost control of the clouds and a wild electrical storm raged over head. A cursing pony ranger was cursing and diving between crates of salve as they fell off the back of the wagon. Joachim thundered uncontrollably downwards to the bridge. A thin line of terrified pony guards stood there, uncertain about their chances versus a loaded wagon bearing down on them with ridiculous speed. The sombrero and poncho he was wearing was frayed and stained with apple juice.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

--=--

Joachim’s ‘thumbs’ were twiddling around each other. “Nothing interesting really,” he said, looking aside. Handy was too tired to press him on it. Joachim shook his head. “Anyway, it’s late. I’m heading to bed.”

“You enjoy that,” Handy said. Joachim smiled at him apologetically before moving off. Handy sat there for a while longer. It was dark in the carriage and lonely too. He got up, deciding to stretch his legs for a bit.

As Handy busied himself, walking back to the small storage area on one of the passenger carriages to look over his packs and the other goods his group brought with them, he, and everyone else on the train for that matter, did not notice the crimson pony land on the caboose. Not that they would have, there being easily seven large container carriages between it and the passengers. The spectral wings dissipated as the unicorn’s horn lit up, witch fire pouring from her eyes. It was simple: get in, get the creature, get out. The power her mistress had given her had taken a long time to accrue, but it would be worth it.

Her ear twitched and she turned. The clouds parted just enough to see a large number of silhouettes against the moon heading towards the train. She frowned. Mistress had never said anything about sending help. Crimson assumed the worst. Her horn flared with energy as sibilant whispers fell from her lips. Her form trembled and spasmed but remained firmly grounded on the caboose of the speeding train. The mist gathered about her, flowing from her mouth ears and nostrils. The racing wind whipped and plucked at it, but it did not fall from the train. Wraithlike, semi-solid forms emerged from the smoky substance, their spectral hooves clawing at the caboose to pull themselves up as their muzzles opened in silent whinnies.

The dark forms of the strangers were gaining speed now, diving straight for the passenger carriages. Crimson snorted, her hood pulled back by the wind. They would not take her prize from her.

--=--

Handy studied the bottle of salve for some time. That broken finger of his was feeling much better, but still… It could use a little help, couldn’t it?

He shook his head. He knew this stuff was addictive. Was it really wise? He took his helmet off and placed it on the crate. He wondered if it would heal his chest scar. Well, he didn’t really want to get rid of it – it was kind of bitchin’ – but he had to consider the possibility. He could test it, right? Just a little wouldn’t hurt, right? It wasn’t as if he had an addictive personality or anything…

As he reached to turn the cap of the bottle, he heard a crash. He whipped around and drew his war hammer out, gripping his shield in his free arm, the bottle fallen and forgotten. He pushed open the door, only to get a hoof to the face for his trouble. Handy staggered back and swung his hammer around in an upwards swing. He didn’t see what he struck through the stars in his eyes, but he felt it connect and heard the crumple of metal under his blow. He regained his footing and brought his shield up immediately, only to see sparks fly across its edges and feel a force strike against the weight of the metal. He rushed forward suddenly, not seeing what he was fighting in the dark room.

The shield bash caught his opponent off guard, and he heard a weight hit the ground. He kicked with his boot and connected with something, eliciting a shout of pain. He roared and swung his hammer around one-handed overhead and struck the ground. He looked up. He was fighting a pony, another one of those bat-ponies like the one he saw at Hoofshire. There was another one in a heap spread across a seat, the armour on its chest deformed. Looks like he got a good hit in. There was glass on the floor, and he heard the rush of the wind through the breach. More crashes, screams of alarm over head, more intruders bursting into the carriages.

Handy snarled. Royal guard or not, he was hired to do a job. He bashed his hammer against the side of his shield in challenge to the guard. “Come have a go if you think you’re hard enough, pony!” he shouted over the noise of the wind. The stallion snorted, pawing at the ground in anger. Handy noticed the pony had blades on its front hooves. And they sparked. His eyes widened as he had mere moments to duck as the pegasus dived for the human. He rolled on the ground under the dice to get further away from the pony before rising to his feet and charging down at the guard.

The pony was faster, however. Handy got a boot to the head as the pony did a manoeuvre in the air that caught the human off guard. He stumbled backwards from the blow and had to raise his shield. The pony was a fluid ball of fury! He swung the shield out, causing the pony to back off for a fraction of a second, immediately thinking the human had made a mistake and left and opening–

–Just in time for the hammer to come swinging around at the exact same time. He caught the pegasus on the helmet, ripping it off. Handy’s eyes widened.

“Bollocks,” he mouthed.

The mare shook her head, short black mane shaking with it and snorted, pale green eyes staring daggers at Handy. Handy backed off and raised his shield. Of course it would be a mare. Why wouldn’t it be? Silly Handy, what was the fun in fighting without a psychological handicap! The pony slowly advanced on the human. He easily outweighed the pony so much that it was almost hilarious, but the little devil was fast and those blades looked nasty.

“Care to explain why thou art attacking a trading train? Thou realise, of course, that thou are assaulting a diplomatic envoy and his entourage,” Handy tried reasoning. He heard the fighting upstairs.

“Quiet!” the guard demanded, casting a glance back to her unconscious partner before locking a glare at the human. “You are under arrest by order of Princesses Celestia and Luna!” Handy snorted.

“On what grounds!?”

“Take your pick.” The mare smiled. “Assault of an officer, obstruction of justice, resisting arrest, possession and trafficking of illicit materials with intention of selling, treason.” Handy blinked. Well okay, those were kind of substantial now that he thought of it.

“I was never loyal to Equestria!” Handy protested.

“Perhaps, but there’s no other way to classify working as an agent of a hostile kingdom!”

“The griffons are hardly Equestria’s enemies.”

“But Chrysalis is,” the mare accused. Handy froze, and she smiled at the silent admission of guilt. How in the hell did they figure that out? He knew news travelled fast here, but hardly anyone left Pawstown other than True Shot. The only ones who could have told anyone north of the Badlands was himself, the griffons or… the changelings themselves.

“I worked for the changelings, true, but that was in the Badlands. I am not an agent for that nag!”

“We will determine that at your trial. You have changeling coinage on your person, old ones too. You’re in deep with them!” she accused. Handy reeled. Of course that gold would come back to haunt him. He could practically hear the Queen laughing at him even here and now!

“I refute your authority!” Handy snarled. He was going to mention the prince aboard, but he figured he had better keep that card to himself. Something told him that if the Equestrians got a hold of the prince when they were bold enough to say ‘Screw diplomacy!’ to catch one petty criminal such as him, they might just use him as political leverage on the griffon kingdom. Mayhap he didn’t care; he did, however, believe he was a professional, and a professional didn’t do his job by halves. He would need to protect Joachim, and that meant dealing with this mare one way or the other. Without hitting her. He could do that, sure.

He gritted his teeth as he felt the blood run down the side of his head. He really missed that helmet; unfortunately, the mare was now between him and it. He undid one of the clasps of his cloak, causing it to flutter wildly, the moonlight on his armour causing it to dazzle spectacularly. The mare was suitably distracted and shielded her eyes. Big mistake. He rushed towards her and shoved her out of the way with his shield. The blades on her hooves moved position and hooked into the underside of the shield as she pulled. The shield was taken off and Handy staggered back. He corrected himself and raised his hammer in two hands.

It was too late. The pegasi rose into the air with a single, strong beat of her wings, spinning in a twirl as she swung the shield around, causing it to smash into Handy’s head audibly. Handy staggered violently and went down, hard. His head spun, he didn’t know where his hammer was, the train wouldn’t stop spinning, he was seeing double and didn’t know which way was up.

He heard panting. Forcing himself to get up and failing miserably, Handy collapsed on his back from the sideways position he had initially fell. He brought his head around. The mare was breathing heavily and looking at Handy. Her slit eyes were dilated alarmingly and her ears were flicking erratically. He tried to push himself up, and the pony bared her fangs in a hiss and jumped, clamping both hooves on his chest, pushing him back to the ground and bringing her hoof blades close to his throat. Oh look at that, she was pissed. Good times are ahead, surely!

More crashing noises. “Private!” The mare didn’t look away at the other pony that was outside of Handy’s sight.

“I have the target, ma’am!” she responded. More crashes, shouts of alarm, renewed fighting, and more crashes. Handy’s head spun.

“We’ve got bigger concerns!” the superior officer shouted. More crashes – how many of these ponies are there? Handy suddenly felt cold, and his heart raced. Oh God, how hard did she hit him? He felt unconsciousness calling and he tried to fight it. At the least he was getting a concussion out of this. The rational part of his mind was pulling a God-damn coup and was running on overtime to get Handy to think logically and stay awake. He felt so cold, breath left his mouth, and he could see the ice crystals form in a mist as his warm breath met the cold air. The pony’s did too. Oh what irony. And it was such a humid night too…

…

Hang on a minute.

He heard shouts of alarm. There were flashes of green out the windows, more crashes – this time on his floor of the carriage – and sounds of fighting. “PRIVATE, WE NEED YOU HERE NOW!” the commander shouted. Handy tried rising but was pushed back down. He still couldn’t see straight. The mare looked back around and her ears stood on end. Her eyes flicked back to Handy… and what was behind her. ‘Hey, you know, you can just, like, totally fuck off and go help your boss. I won’t mind, really, that’d be just great…,’ Handy thought. ‘That way none of my griffons pals can see me on the wrong side of this little scuffle we had going on. Come on, do a lad a solid would ya, lassie?’ His head felt wet. Oh God, she cut something.

“I can’t just leave him unattended!” she protested.

“Then restrain him! That’s an order! Get over here no— ACK!”

The mare looked alarmed but didn’t take her eyes off of Handy. He noticed her nostrils were flaring, taking in deep breaths. She glanced back and forth between him and the fight behind her. What the hell was she waiting for? And why the hell was she panting so hard? She wasn’t the one that got a tremendous whack from a solid slab of metal upside the temple. And why was—

A sudden, stabbing pain erupted in Handy’s neck as his body began spasming. He could only see the flicking ear of the pony in his vision as a strange sensation clouded his mind. It dulled the pain, and he felt his heart rate slow… almost… lethargic… He felt sleepy… The pressure on his neck intensified… something was leaving him, something important, but he couldn’t… focus…. The pony pushed herself up; there was blood on her muzzle that she wiped away. He blinked rapidly, trying to force himself to stay awake.

“There, now he won’t be moving for a while.” Her eyes seemed to flash brightly and her wings fluttered rapidly. She seemed to…blur as she moved, but Handy was sure that was his own delirious vision playing tricks on him. She seemed to flicker and then was gone entirely, the weight lifted from his chest… The world was getting dark… He felt so tired….

The expensive brick, now lying in a pouch at his waist, decided to play what it considered an appropriate song.

--=--

And Joachim had been having such a lovely dream too.

“GET. OUT. OF MY. CABIN!” He flared his wings as he swung the pony through the door. It broke apart under the impact, the pony hitting the wall hard. Joachim rushed the equine, grabbed its helmet, and smashed its head into the ground. The pony stayed down. ‘What the hay!?’ Joachim thought to himself. The carriage was absolute chaos, guard ponies having broken through the windows and were trying to subdue the griffons who, to their credit and Joachim’s immense pride, weren’t making it easy for them.

He himself had been wrestling with this guard pony for a few minutes and was about to turn on another who was bearing down on him. Right before a ghost beat him to it. Joachim’s movement stuttered. Before him stood a pale, green, luminescent pony, made of mist and some strange slimy substance. It had just phased through the wall, leaving a thin coating of… something on the wall as it attacked the night guard. More of them emerged, from the roof, the floor, and the walls. The carriage was now a maddening three way fight between pony, griffon, and the goddamn army of slimers. Not that he made the referential connection, but it was necessary to convey just how disgusting the sight was. His breath formed in the air before him. It suddenly felt very cold.

To his great relief, the ghost apparently could be struck although it was no easy thing to put them down. Their movements were sluggish, but they appeared indefatigable and attacked in utter silence, which was the most unnerving aspect of their appearance. However, his relief was lessened somewhat as he saw what was tantamount to a purple, black, and grey blur that whizzed around the far end of the carriage like a living buzz saw. He grimaced as he turned and swiped at the nearest ghost pony, his hand becoming embroiled in the filth as the slashed face of the ghost tried to rematerialize. The ghost rounded on him. Joachim swallowed.

--=--

Stellar Eclipse felt absolutely amazing. Her senses had increased ten-fold and her reactions just as much. She was moving faster and with more precision than she had ever felt. Everything felt as if it moved in slow motion when she moved. She could see everything with perfect clarity and detail. She could tell apart each of the individual hairs on the head of the stallion that was currently being thrown at her. She moved a fraction to the right as her comrade, Bladegrass she thought his name was, flew past her, and she walked over to the griffon that had ponyhandled him. He was a big guy, with an engineer’s overalls. His eyes widened with comical slowness as she casually stepped around the hooffights going on around her. She jumped and bucked the griffon in the face, sending him flying back with enough force to crash through the wall of a sleeping cabin and into the middle of another brawl.

She smirked. She knew drinking real blood had an effect on her kind, but she had never had a kick like this before. Granted, it tasted awful, but by Luna was this good. A ghost had come upon her, and Eclipse avoided its sluggish assault and spectral hooves with insulting ease. Her hoof blades came out and she flowed around the creature, practically dancing, swinging her hooves in graceful arcs, slicing the ghost to ribbons. It had collapsed into a pile of formless goo not long after.

“Eclipse!” Her ear flicked and she looked over at the source of the voice. It was a rather ragged-looking sergeant. Glitter Oak looked at the mare with something between awe and concern. “Are you… feeling alright?” She actually laughed at that.

“Never better, sir,” she said, not bothering to hide her smile. He looked at her. Her movements were… strange. It was as if she had her own after-image as she constantly moved around, taking in all the details of the battle occurring on the carriage around them. Her eyes were literally glowing.

“Private,” he said sternly, “what happened to you?” He had a sinking feeling. He had heard the rumours too, what happened to Shimmer and Onyx. She didn’t… did she? “You drank it, didn’t you?” He saw her flinch as she turned back to him, a bashful expression on her face. He felt furious. “Do you know I can suspend you for that!? You know the law! We can’t take from living creatures!” She looked down bashfully, only looking up suddenly to take a swipe at a rather beaten and bruised-looking griffon who didn’t know well enough to sit down and play dead.

“I-I had him, downstairs, but the captain demanded I return to the fight. I had to restrain him somehow!” she protested.

“So you DRANK from him!?” he yelled incredulously. He toned down his voice; some of the others were becoming distracted from their fights when he raised his voice. He glared at Eclipse. His ear flicked. “What’s it like?” he asked, looking away. Eclipse smirked.

“It’s great! I’ve never felt like this before in my life,” she said before her smile grew wider at him. She turned briefly, looking out a smashed window. More of those ethereal nags were flying past the carriage, heading towards the further passenger cabins. She turned back to her sergeant. “You can court martial me after the operation. Right now, I can’t afford to waste this.” She studied his face for a moment before saying. “You know… I left plenty in him… You could always just go down and take a bite yourself…,” she added before rushing out the window in a blur. She was gone in a blink. The sergeant looked at the battle around him and glanced at the door leading to the stairs behind him. The beginnings of a smile tugged at his lips.

--=--

One hand. Then another.

The haggard, wrecked Handy forced himself forward, crawling on the floor back into the holding compartment. He had one chance, and he couldn’t afford to waste it. It took him a while to process that the bat pony had fucking drank his blood. The things were God-damn pony vampires! He needed to be helped, and fast! The griffons aside, he didn’t want to be at the mercy of a pack of those creatures. His vision was blurring dangerously, and his head was ruining his concentration. He needed sleep so very badly, but he was stubbornly forcing his way through the fog of consciousness.

He got to the wagon, his hands fumbling at the dropped bottle of salve he was perusing earlier. He struggled, his armoured hands feeling clumsy and overly large in his hands. He tingled all over in an unpleasant way. Pins and needles. He got the cap off and considered applying the stuff to the cuts on his head and bite mark. He could worry about the possibility of vampirism later – he needed help now! That meant he needed blood; applying it to his cuts would not fix that, and his clouded mind and faltering logic thought it would be a good idea to just chug the salve.

Remember Handy’s rules? The one about not willingly doing drugs? Yeah, check that off the list along with women beating and heavy drinking. Like those other slip-ups, he hoped to never repeat them, but the stain on his record was now there.

He immediately regretted it, for his oesophagus felt like it had been lit on fire. His vision cleared instantly but was warped. Everything was the wrong colour and wouldn’t stop changing. He fell from his knees and shook violently, retching and coughing. His pace quickened – he wasn’t sure if that was good or bad given his recent blood loss. What was worse was whatever lock he had placed on the wicked thoughts he had been entertaining when he was trapped in the changeling pod started flooding back into him.

‘They’ll never know.’

‘You should have eaten her.’

‘You enjoy pulling wings from flies don’t you?’

‘I hate mirrors.’

He shook his head, hitting it with his fist, trying to force the thoughts from his head.

‘Flesh is flesh.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with other peoples’ tears.’

‘Everything is cold.’

‘Why?’

He clasped his hands to his head, or was it his head to his hands? Did it matter? Yes it did. Or so he thought. Handy thought about a lot of things.

‘You were God’s worst mistake.’

Thankfully, his ruminations were interrupted by a weight pressing down on his back.

“There you are!” he heard the voice say, causing his teeth to grit harshly. “Now just lay still and—” Handy lashed out in rabid fury, kicking and grasping violently as he turned around quickly, kicking the stallion in its unprotected underside and driving it from its hooves. Handy grabbed the stallion, who struggled to bring his hooves to action. Handy laid into him, pounding its head repeatedly with his gauntleted fist, his voice cracking as he screeched desperately in fear and anger.

He deformed the side of the helmet, grabbing it with both hands and pulling it off of the stallion’s head. The staggered stallion could barely get the sense together. Handy could empathise – his vision was still swirling manically, but it was clear enough for him to make out the ponies wings. And its fangs.

‘He wanted my blood,’ Handy thought.

‘You need blood.’

‘Then I’ll take his!’ Handy thought furiously. He punched the stallion once more and forced the stallion down to the ground. “Hold still, you fucking vampire!” Handy sneered, not thinking clearly. The stallion glared up with him as he struggled.

“What are you doing!? Let me up!” he demanded. Handy shook his head and smiled, baring his own canines. The stallion looked up at the human in confusion.

“Time to get a taste of your own medicine!” His rational part groaned internally. What the hell was he doing? Just knock the stupid pony out and be done with it. What, drinking his blood? Handy, Handy, Handy, what the hell man? That wasn’t going to do you any good. Look, now you have fur in your mouth as you bite his neck. Classy, Handy, just classy. It was not as if—

--=--

Midnight regretted making that bet with Cloud. The simple smash and grab mission had turned into an utter mess. They had taken all three passenger carriages by storm, not taking the chance of missing the human. To think! He was an agent for the changelings who was not even a changeling himself, and she had him right there! It was infuriating, but noooo, they had to let him go because he was working for a foreign noblegriffon.

‘His eyes, they closed.’

She had resolved that she’d personally take the human in and show up Cloud. All she had to do was at least show up at Canterlot with the human in chains and her as one of the ponies guarding him. Nope, that couldn’t be simple – now they had bloody ghosts attacking them too! She cursed her luck as she pummelled another ghost into spectral mush.

‘And his last breath spoke.’

This was going to take ages to wash out of her fur, never mind her armour. Tsk, her staff sergeant was going to be giving her Tartarus for the next month.

‘He had seen all there was to be seen, a life once full, now an empty vase.’

And she had nothing to show for it! She had really been hoping to impress Cloud with this. Now she was hoping she could make it out of this without a shiner.

‘Like the blossoms on his early grave. Walk away, me boy, walk away me boy.’

Oh no, you just sit right the hay where you were, mister. She slashed at another griffon who had decided to announce his attack with a squawk. Foal.

‘And by morning we’ll be free. Wipe a golden tear, from your mother dear.’

This was just a bad night in general. She really hated Mondays.

‘And raise what’s left of the flag for me…’

“And just WHO is singing at a time like this!?” she shouted over the din of the battle.

She heard large clangs coming from the far end of the carriage and noticed the door leading to the stairs was bulging.

‘And the rosary beads, count them, one, two, three.’

The door burst from its hinges, and a voice boomed, “EVENING, FUCK NUGGETS!”

‘Fell apart as they hit the floor.’

The armoured form of the human strode arrogantly into the carriage, and several of the combatants stopped to look up at the intruder. “CONGRATS!”

‘In a garb of black, we must pay respect, to the colour, we’re born to mourn.’

“YOU ALL JUST MADE MY PERSONAL SHITLIST!” The human held a pony aloft in one hand, his cloak whipping behind him. The pony was breathing shallowly, with a nasty-looking injury to his neck. There was a splash of blood on the front of the human’s helmet. He tossed the defeated pony aside like an old wrapper, and in an instant, he was upon the next one. In a blur of glittering silver, the guard was sent flying across the cabin, crashing into a ghost and dematerialising it in a splash of ectoplasm.

The carriage erupted in pandemonium as the rampaging human started swinging his hammer with reckless abandon. Handy had never felt more alive. He could barely describe it, the way how everything felt so real. He got bucked in the side by a pony but recovered quickly and was at the pony’s flank before it could react. He grabbed its hind legs and flung it bodily around, smashing into a fellow guard. His shield, now properly affixed to his arm, swung around and crushed a ghost against the wall of the carriage.

The griffons were emboldened and redoubled their efforts. The guard ponies were now truly struggling to maintain battle order. Handy threw his opponents aside like they were nothing. He was running so high he didn’t even feel the blows they landed on him. Perhaps that was just his armour doing its job. It felt like it weighed nothing now; his hammer felt like a toy as he sent another pony flying out the window. One of his comrades jumped out to catch him before he hit the ground.

The ghosts were a bit trickier. Bastards could reform if you didn’t beat them silly enough. That was good, however, for Handy felt like fighting something that could take it, but the blows he landed felt soft as the ghosts easily gave way under his blows, giving no satisfying weight to his attacks. He then focused on the guards instead, leaving the ghosts to the griffons. The guards, for their part, recognised there was something different about the human, which was a feat since they shouldn’t have known what he was like normally. His movements were too quick, too fluid. For Celestia’s sake, he was sparkling! Nobody said he had magic!

He didn’t, of course. Those in the know about the real reason behind Onyx and Shimmer’s suspension knew the human’s blood had a peculiar effect on their kind. Perhaps this was always the case? It was his blood after all. No, something was different. Midnight blinked. Flying near the ceiling, she spied the unconscious Glitter Oak and his neck wound. Her eyes widened. “RETREAT!” she ordered. One of the sergeants looked up and demanded an explanation. “He drinks blood!” she exclaimed, pointing a hoof at the human, who even now had a pony gripped by the throat in his shield hand. “It’s like Onyx and Shimmer in reverse! He gets power from us!” she exclaimed. The human reached for his helmet slowly. Midnight didn’t think twice.

Handy had the little bastard where he wanted him. That last pony tasted… strange, but he felt incredible. He could use another hit, and there were so many of them around… His hammer was hooked by his side, most of the combatants trying to avoid him as the pony struggled fruitlessly. He had declawed the creature and knocked it about so it was nice and dazed. His freed hand went towards his helmet.

And he was knocked sideways. He staggered, dropping the pony that was going to be his meal and quickly rounded on his attacker. His eyes widened. It was the damn mare from the other train! She glared at him and was in a battle stance. In a blur of motion, he unhooked his hammer and gripped it in one hand, his mind no longer inhibited by petty things such as reason and morality. The mare didn’t move. He waited for her to blink. He got his chance as a cloud moved from its position blocking the moon, light hitting his armour. She squinted, and Handy struck.

He moved in an instant, but the mare had actually struck the second she squinted her eyes, wise to Handy’s game. He got all four blades raked across his breastplate, followed by her hind hoofs bucking him as she flipped. He staggered back. “Clever girl,” he commented, his armour none the worse for wear. He was about to advance again when more ghosts phased through the walls, and Handy found himself distracted. Midnight took the opportunity to get her stricken comrade back to safety. She lifted him and dragged him outside through one of the windows. Her comrades evacuated the carriage and flew into the next one to regroup.

“Handy!” Joachim screeched, his wings askew and injured. Handy looked up from the puddles of ectoplasm he had been making. “What was that!? What is this!?” Joachim exclaimed, gesturing around at the wrecked carriage around them. “What did you do to tick off the Princesses!? And what… happened to you?” He asked, noticing the blood on his helmet and his... noticeable entrance to the battle.

Handy shrugged.

“Sorry but we really don’t have time for this,” he said simply. The tired griffons around them groaned in various states of exhaustion. Ghosts still poured in but they were fewer now. He saw several outside heading towards the forward carriages. He turned to the front of the carriage. There was a doorway leading to the next passenger carriage, and he could see fighting going on through the window. His pulse raced and he smiled maniacally. Why couldn’t he feel like this all the time? It was amazing. “I got things to do,” Handy said, rushing past the exasperated Joachim and breaking down the doors between him and the next carriage as he engaged in the fight with wild enthusiasm.

--=--

Crimson snarled in anger. She was slowly making her way up the train, but she could feel her phantoms being destroyed with distressing speed. There was one, no, two ponies up ahead doing particular damage. She would deal with them in time. Her frown turned into a wicked smile as her horn and eyes flared with greater intensity. The clouds overhead roiled and became dark and angry-looking. A swirling vortex of energy slowly but surely coalesced into existence behind her. It would be ready in time. These snivelling guard sycophants would not cheat her of this.

That was roughly when the roof of one of the carriage up ahead exploded outwards. A humanoid form landed hard on the roof of the carriage and scrambled to grab hold of something before he slipped off. A guard pony followed after him and landed on the carriage. “Stay down, human!”

“Make me, pony!” Handy retorted, digging his hands into the metal of the roof itself and clawing his way back up, his hammer at the ready and his cloak whipping violently from his shoulders. He was gleaming brightly like a thousand stars, but Eclipse’s eyes could withstand it. Her comrades below were recovering from the Human’s assault and dealing with the remaining griffons. Her cocky smile faltered when she saw the griffons from the first car fly out the windows and dive into the sides of the second. She snorted. “Pay attention!”

She dived out of the way, just in time, as Handy’s war hammer plunged into the roof with tremendous force. They danced like that for some time, Handy swinging, blocking, rolling, and kicking. Eclipse took full advantage of her wings and dive-bombed the human at every available opportunity, hoof blades clawing at him as she kicked and tackled the armoured warrior with impossible speed and strength. Neither could land a solid blow, the pony lost in the excesses of the blood curse her kind bore, the human’s mind far too addled to make sound, reasoned judgements.

Green lightning struck Eclipse in the midsection and caused her to spasm uncontrollably mid-air. She hit the carriage roof hard and began to slide off. Handy’s boot clasped her tail to prevent her falling to her death. He turned to see what could possibly have interrupted their fight, only to see an impossible horror. There was a pony on the roof with them, a unicorn with a glowing horn and eyes of green fire.

He reached down to grab the bat pony by her armour, his mind trying to grasp where in the hell the unicorn had come from. It was then he noticed the semi-visible vortex of energy behind her growing in size and volatility. Green flashes of lightning struck from the vortex soundlessly as its gaping maw grew wider. He threw the pony casually behind him, back into the carriage to shouts of alarm. He ignored it – it would seem he had a bigger issue to worry about now.

The unicorn was bathed in green light. “Human!” she shouted. “You will come with me. Surrender and I will not harm you!” Who did this bitch think she was talking to? He was Handy on fucking vampire steroids. What was she going to do to him!? “Comply!” An arc of green lightning struck the carriage roof beside him, which promptly burned up and melted away. Ah, see, now there was a convincing argument.

“And just who the hell are you!?” Handy demanded.

“That is of no concern of yours, foal! Surrender!” she demanded. Handy’s eyes narrowed. He had had quite enough with uppity women today.

“I don’t think I will if it’s all the same to you!” he shouted over the roar of the wind. He took a few steps forward. The pony snorted.

“Have it your way! If you won’t be ours, you will not be theirs!” she shouted. The vortex behind her swirled violently, and he could feel the ionization in the air, his breath misting as he exhaled, the hoarfrost forming on the carriages. The lightning bolt struck from the vortex. If it were not for his heightened reflexes, it probably would have struck him in the neck joint and killed him dead. As it were, he raised his shield and closed his eyes. He saw what happened to the roof at his feet. This was going to hurt, his rational mind damning him for a fool for not surrendering.

The bolt of lightning struck his shield with tremendous force. Handy was knocked down to one knee to prevent himself from falling off the train altogether. Remarkably, it held. Handy blinked in surprise and lowered his shield. It shone like the sun for a few seconds before it calmed down and sparkled normally like the rest of his armour. He looked at the unicorn. She looked just as stunned as he was. It was then and there he decided Heat Source was, officially, best pony. Hot damn, he loved this armour!

He got back to his feet and advanced on the pony. She stomped her hooves. “NO!” she screamed, the vortex behind her warping violently and coalescing into a swirling tornado of green clouds and mist and lightning. It solidified and Handy looked up in abject horror. The vortex had become a roiling elemental creature with two huge arms and a lower body of a tornado. Its eyes glowed with energy and crackled with lightning. Handy threw his hands up in the air.

“OH COME THE FUCK ON!” he shouted. “REALLY!? REALLY!?” The pony pointed a hoof at the human, speaking some foul tongue, her horn and eyes glaring white with incandescence as the huge elemental thundered forward, its fists denting the carriage as it pulled itself forward. Handy sighed and nodded. “Okay, it’s at least solid in some respect. This shouldn’t be— Oop!” Handy ducked back. The elemental reached out to swat him. “Okay, no rest for the wicked. I’ll play ball.” Handy hefted his war hammer in both hands, his shield making it awkward, but his enhanced abilities compensating for any deficiencies it may have caused.

He ran over and jumped, swinging the hammer and catching the elemental on the arm, causing it to scream in pain. Handy landed before the elemental’s backswing caught him, sending him flying in the air. Its other fist came down with irresistible force and punched Handing into the roof, through it and the floor below. Handy crashed down onto the first floor of the second carriage. Now, if this was normal Handy, armour or no armour, that would break bones and send the human into a nice coma. As it was, Handy, shrugged off the immense pain and pulled himself up, incredibly pissed.

“Stop right there!” a soon-to-be unfortunate bat guard shouted, charging at Handy through the pools of ghosts and injured ponies and griffons. “You are under—” Handy punted him so fucking hard, he was pretty sure he sent him into a coma. There, universe, you happy? Your coma quota filled for the day? Good, because Handy has a new name to add to the shit list. Handy stormed up the stairs as the elemental began tearing the roof off of the carriage. Handy was on the top step as the roof came off his section, so he jumped and swung. He landed a solid blow into the elemental’s face. The creature reared back as Handy struggled to climb on what remained of the carriage roof.

The elemental shuddered, as if roaring, but no sound emerged from the abomination. “Well fuck your mother too!” Handy shouted in defiance. He then ran at the beast, ducking and rolling under its swipe and swung, to meet its inevitable back swing, catching the back of its hand at the dead centre and causing it to explode in wisps and smoke. The creature reared, clasping his wrist, bleeding ethereal mist and lightning. Handy roared in triumph. Slipping, he slammed his hammer into the carriage roof to keep from falling altogether.

The bat ponies were now evacuating the train, carrying their unconscious and injured comrades. Handy turned, seeing the griffons were actually giving the ponies a hammering through the holes in the roof. There was Joachim at the fore. Good old featherbrain. Handy smiled at the thought then turned his attention on the injured elemental. He had half expected it to regrow its hand, but it didn’t. The elemental recovered its composure and lightning shot from its eyes, striking the train randomly. Metal flared and melted with incredible heat. He could hear the trunks of trees exploding in the woods behind him as they sped past. Okay, Handy was so very done with all this.

Handy pulled himself up before lightning struck his back. He felt an immense flare of power wash over him and then dissipate. His cuirass shone brightly as he struggled back to his feet and charged at the elemental, which raised its remaining fist and slammed down on the human. Handy let it; he dodged as it crashed through the roof. Handy then leaped on its arm. The elemental reared and flailed its arm, trying to knock Handy off with its other stump. Handy batted it away with a backwards swing of his hammer as he pulled himself up onto the struggling creatures shoulder.

“YOU KNOW!” he said, swinging the hammer and bashing the side of the creature’s head. “I JUST WANTED TO GO TO SLEEP!” He swung again, this time catching the creature’s eye, causing it to explode outwards as the creature reared yet again in silent agony. “NOT FIGHT FUCKING VAMPIRES! OR GHOSTS!” He swung again, anger fuelling his every motion. He dug into the beast’s shoulder with the point of his kite shield and held tightly with his knees. “NOT GET MY BLOOD DRAINED!” He swung again, seeing wisps of green smoke and splashes of ectoplasm bursting at the seams of the creature’s being. “AND DEFINITELY NOT!” Smash. “FIGHT!” Smash. “A GIANT!” Smash. “MIGHT AND MAGIC REJECT!” Smash. “FUCK! YOUR! SHIIIIIIIT!” he roared, punctuating each word with a swing of his hammer. The creature was staggering, no longer trying to resist. With a final swing of his hammer, the creature’s head exploded in the same manner as its hand. The body fell on the roof of the carriage and shattered in the same manner.

Handy was breathing heavily. He could feel his high ebbing away, just in time too. He felt the beginnings of weakness and was about to crash and crash hard. Before that, however, he had one more thing to take care of. He turned to the unicorn once he got to his feet. The pony was looking at where the elemental had fallen. The light in her eyes had gone out and her horn was flickering. He towered over the pony before she tore her eyes away to look up at the human. She suddenly felt very small.

“You!” Crimson tried to say something, but Handy simply grabbed the pony by the scruff of her cloak and brought her up to his level. “Don’t I know you?” he asked, his mind struggling to retrieve memories from his abused mental architecture. He groaned, his hammer hand raised to his helmet in a fruitless gesture to alleviate the pain. Crimson took the opportunity. Her horn flared and her cloak tore. She dropped. Handy looked at the empty cloak in his hand. The unicorn jumped over the side of the train. "No! Wait!” he shouted. The unicorn materialised a pair of spectral rings and disappeared into the woods. Handy stared after the pony for a few seconds. Looking up, he saw the now distant silhouettes of the guard ponies holding formation in the moonlight. He frowned.

He staggered. Okay, he had best get below before he collapsed. He had made it just by the newest hole in the roof the elemental had kindly made before he did just that, falling into the train and losing consciousness.

--=--

“So,” Joachim began, swirling his tea. His wings had been bandaged and his other hand held an ice pack to his head. Handy sat across from him, groaning audibly and holding his stomach. “Good night for you too?”

“Oh fuck you… Ugh,” Handy said by way of response. Thankfully, no one had died. Turned out the train had crossed the griffon kingdom’s border by the time he had killed the elemental, which explained why the guards had backed off after he had dealt with it. However, two out of the three passenger carriages were ruined, and the griffons had to make due with sleeping in the downstairs.

Handy, meanwhile, had gotten a bed in the undamaged carriage. He was entirely in approval of the arrangement, but that wasn’t as good a deal as you’d think. Practically all the windows were smashed, and the wind chill was a constant companion. Not to mention they still had a full day and a half travel to go to their destination as the train entered the mountains, so it was going to get worse before it got better.

Ivorybeak fretted over the political ramifications of all this and cursed Handy seven ways from Sunday until being put in his place by Joachim pointing out they’d be in worse shape if the rogue sorceress’ elemental and ghosts had their way. Handy tossed in his seat, shivering. He was cold, sure, but it was like the worst cold sweat you’d ever have after a hangover.

“And no, I still have no idea what the royal guard want with me,” Handy lied. Joachim didn’t push, merely saying an ‘hmm’ as he supped at his tea, enjoying its warmth. Handy sighed. “So what’s the pay?” Handy said casually. Joachim raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry?” he asked, completely deadpan.

“The pay,” Handy said, waving his gauntleted hand for emphasis. “You know, for being a bodyguard or whatever.” Joachim supped at his tea with a satisfied breath.

“Hmmm,” he mused, bouncing the silver spoon off of the cup. “Nothing, I think,” he responded. Handy tilted his head curiously before laughing.

“Haha, very funny, don’t pull a mayor crybaby on me. Seriously, what’s the pay?”

“Nothing like I said.”

“I’m serious, Joachim.”

“So am I,” Joachim said, finishing off his tea. “You’re my personal manservant now, remember? For a month.” Handy looked at him quizzically. He couldn’t see the expression under his helm.

“And where did you get that idea from?” Handy asked.

“Oh, don’t you remember? You promised me you would.”

“Bullshit.”

“Oh yes, you were quite serious about it too. On pain of death, swearing to your god even,” Joachim replied. Handy slowly sat up.

“When… When did I ever…,” Handy asked, afraid of the answer. Joachim finally cracked that smile he had been holding down.

“Oh you know, when we first arrived at Spurbay…” He let it hang, comprehension dawning on Handy in all its horror. “And you said if I ever saw you willingly drink pony blood…” Handy felt sick, his stomach growling as he lay back down on his seat. Joachim and him were silent for a few tense moments before he turned over to face the back of his seat, letting out a sigh of defeat and another groan of agony.

“Bollocks…Uggghhhh,” he groaned. Joachim broke out in uproarious laughter.

Comments

[amagicalkiwi]

3992622 ........good standards

[Adamanthys]

Damn, was hoping he'd cave in a pony head or two or at least rip that ones throat out entirely... drinking his freaking blood.... that's freaking akin to rape imo.

Either way, amazing action scene. One of the best I've read on fimfiction.

[AnormalUnicornPony]

Well I enjoyed it. There were a few errors here and there especially near the end. But nothing major.

Still had fun reading it though!

[Raistlin]

I cannot imagine the shitstorm that is going to be unleashed in Canterlot:
-The batpony guard commanded an unathorized assault against a gryphon diplomatic group, which included a cancellor and a prince, without orders from her superiors, and she drinked blood from the human bodyguard.
-The human blood seems to power up creatures like batponies. Problem is, he drinks blood from them too.
-Handy was suspected of being in connivance with griffin and changelings. Now, there is a misterious third party with strange magic who also wants a piece of him.

A bad monday for being Luna, it seems.

[wanderingmind]

i can not wait for the next chapter, this is one of the greatest human in equestria stories I have read.

[The Serpent Mage]

Holy shit...

So not only did Handy here beat the ever-loving hell out of the guards, he also drank some of their blood, and destroyed an elemental. And the guards still want to go after him? Not to mention the political ramifications of attacking a Prince and Count of the Griffon royalty. Oh lord, Celestia is going to be drowning herself in tea.

[Handyman]

3995114
3994252
3995363
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3996107

Glad you guys approved of this chapter, I was actually kind of worried I went overboard even though I had been building up elements for a confrontation like this for the past few chapters.

[The Serpent Mage]

3997122 I particularly liked the whole 'drink vampony blood, get super powers' bit.

[Handyman]

3997126 A bit of world of darkness inspiration there, I'll admit.

[amagicalkiwi]

3997122 don't worry.......... be happy

[Skinned Rabbit]

There appears to be a oncoming shitstorm....
Me gusta :3

[Asheram]

Irish Berserker Vampire... I approve!

[the_sane_maniac]

THE PALE ONE HUNGERS!!

OFFER YOUR BLOOD TO THE HEARTLESS ONE!!!

I know I'm late but this had my blood running wild, this story deserves sooooo much more attention man

[Lupus]

After that bat drank from him, I was imagining him going on a rampage to repay her in kind. AND THEN HE FUCKING GOES ON A RAMPAGE!!
With this chapter I hereby officially declare my love for the fic.

You have no idea how glad I am to see a HiE fic where the human isn't powerless against ponies. Or miniataurs, or ghosts, or elementals. Though I wonder how he'd handle an alicorn...

[Warman1138]

WOW!!!! So this is what happens when shit hits a thousand fans. Way cool story.

[twad]

Not sure why ponies are powered up with his blood, but him drinking their's would make some sense since it get "metabolized magic juice" straight into him.

And that magic is also waking up some dark part of him.

All in all, interesting.

Wonder what would have happened if Chrissy drank some of his blood, if emotion was contained in it.. Kinda picture it as Chrissy taking a drop of his blood, gets high as a kite.

[Beyond the Horizon]

Handy, Handy, Handy... Never make swears. You're just inviting the world to screw you over twenty ways to Sunday. And then some.

[The Cat Lord]

That is how you write an epic chapter! Loved it!

[Rakdar]

It was too late. The pegasi rose into the air with a single, strong beat of her wings, spinning in a twirl as she swung the shield around, causing it to smash into Handy’s head audibly. Handy staggered violently and went down, hard. His head spun, he didn’t know where his hammer was, the train wouldn’t stop spinning, he was seeing double and didn’t know which way was up.
It was too late. The pegasi rose into the air with a single, strong beat of her wings, spinning in a twirl as she swung the shield around, causing it to smash into Handy’s head audibly. Handy staggered violently and went down, hard. His head spun, he didn’t know where his hammer was, the train wouldn’t stop spinning, he was seeing double and didn’t know which way was up.

See times like these i have to guess whether or not it was intentional or not. Since it told from the perspective of handy, it could be a part of his concussion. Or it could be a rather large typo....

[soashamedpony]

Every time I read the phrase "fucking vampire" I can't help but hear it in this voice:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=cvkBvzpbBPs#t=27

[PlaceHolder]

Started reading this story recently.
Apparently, no one pointed out this reference for this chapter, so I will do as such.
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20091229182337/brackenwood/images/2/2e/Bitey.jpg

[ClosetKnight]

5336929 fuckmothering vampire.

[psychosis]

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Great, now he's going to take enthusiastic walks and give bitchs cannons! We really do need more prayer in schools. And if he starts sending letters to Celestia... God help those poor bastards.

[DE_K]

“If anything like that happened, it’d be big news. I’d have heard about it by now.” he sulked. “I don’t know why dad wants me back. The look on his face…” Handy finished his drink.

'dad' in this case would be capitalized as he is using it as his father's title.
Also, now." he sulked the 'he' would be capitalized as well as it is after a punctuation mark, question and exclamation marks included.
You do this a bit but it's minor so no biggie

his vision was still swirling manically,

Maniacally

“Stay down, human!”

You only have 'uman' italicized here

came down with irresistible force and punched Handing into the roof

Handy

[Doctor Elite]

Handy evolved into Rick Grimes.

[More Dakka]

I can’t decide if some of the things that have happened so far are just a case of narrative convenience, or if Handy is subconsciously interacting with some native magic field that surrounds that planet like the magic brick. There’s seems to be a lot of stubble hints that something like that is happening and if it is the case, Handy could probably be the most dangerous critter walking that planet... he may not be able to move mountains with the click of his fingers, but given enough motivation, he could probably make your kingdom fall with nothing but his blood, sweat and a knife...

Oh and cursing... lots and lots of cursing.

[CrisisSoulfire]

The fucking phone in this story is comedy gold! XD

[Galaxy of Equestria]

god dawn what are odds of me listen to the same The Clash- I Fought The Law. fuck my luck to today.

[ChronoMitsurugi]

Damn racists horse country.
This is why there are so many evil/incompetent Celestia fics, me thinks.

Handy needs a mercenary band to back him up cause he is way too nerfed to survive Equestria's racism right now. I would say he needs a power up but this fic seems to want to keep him as an average Joe fighter. So more fighters is the next best solution.

[VcSaJen]

I immediately thought of news about some police officer attacking with questionable orders and eating citizen's ear in a scuffle. It was passed off as false, but we never know how far police brutality can go...

[DivinePanzer]

“And you said if I ever willingly saw you drink pony blood…”

Really late, but you should reword this, put willingly after saw you.

As it reads right now Joachim WANTED to see handy drink blood, and now has a manservant.

[Random Imperial trooper]

Expensive brick, best character!

[PlainToSee]

So epic!

[TheRedBaron]

Irish bezerker vampire... Where have i heard that one before?
welcometoannville.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/amc-preacher-fan-reactions-to-cassidy-inside.jpg

[Scamper]

Apparently, the farmpony, an apple farmer apparently who had branched out and occasionally grew oranges, had spotted a griffon hauling a wagon with several crates down towards the town of Caulkins. 

As Handy busied himself, walking back to the small storage area on one of the passenger carriages to look over his packs and the other goods his group brought with them, he, and everyone else on the train for that matter, did not notice the crimson pony land on the caboose. Not that they would have, there being easily seven large container carriages between it and the passengers. The spectral wings dissipated as the unicorn’s horn lit up, witch fire pouring from her eyes. It was simple: get in, get the creature, get out. The power her mistress had given her had taken a long time to accrue, but it would be worth it.

The unicorn jumped over the side of the train. "No! Wait!” he shouted. The unicorn materialised a pair of spectral rings and disappeared into the woods. Handy stared after the pony for a few seconds.

I think you meant wings.

[Lancerlot]

6665578
This is a reply to an old post, but the topic is one that needs a reply.
The reason there are so many fanfics of racist ponies and incompetent princesses is because that's what the authors wanted to write. Sex, violence, racism, injustice... All of them are ways to spice up a story and get more readers.
Nothing more, and nothing less.

[AficionadoAvacado]

Nice, Flogging Molly

[FridayPie]

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and idiot ball protagoonists

[FridayPie]

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manic and maniac have different meaning.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/manic

[Allstar13521]

“And now your father wants you back. “You think your brother lost his claim?”

“And now your father wants you back. You think your brother lost his claim?”

punched Handing into the roof

punched Handy into the roof

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The griffon held on to the wagon for dear life as it rumbled its way down the hill. The windmill was on fire as the pegasi lost control of the clouds and a wild electrical storm raged over head. A cursing pony ranger was cursing and diving between crates of salve as they fell off the back of the wagon. Joachim thundered uncontrollably downwards to the bridge. A thin line of terrified pony guards stood there, uncertain about their chances versus a loaded wagon bearing down on them with ridiculous speed. The sombrero and poncho he was wearing was frayed and stained with apple juice.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

The Noodle Incident that I shall never stop questioning and never receive an explanation for... if I ever remember to actually ask that is.

[TheGrandNil]

Mmmm, tasty pony meat

[Destiny Chaser]

This story is way too entertaining

[Charles Farrow]

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Wish the link still worked, I'm curious.

[Heavy Rain]

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They ARE working

... Well, most of them

[ABitterPill]

The Equestrians here had to have broken several international laws by assaulting party of known foreign dignitaries. There really should be a major international incident because of this. Maybe next time they should try the proper diplomatic channels first.

And the bat ponies really need to just have their fangs outright broken for drinking without permission. If that causes them to starve? Good. They deserve it. Ask first and get permission you flying fuck nuggets.

[Lesolan - Rest In Peace]

Ivorybeak grumbled along the way for the rest of the day as they reached a small station near the Brackenwoods. Apparently the area was known for its satyrs or something.

It took me three read throughs, but I finally got it. Reference to Bitey of Brackenwood. A classic.

[Handyman]

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An old favourite.

[Shadow-Dancer]

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First song link is broken dmca