Chapter 4 - Home is where the heart is
Handy had been doing some serious thinking about his predicament. Namely, what if this was all real? Now mind, he’d been wrestling with this concept for weeks now since he had arrived in Equestria, but some part of him still refused to accept that it could be true. Alarmingly, however, Handy realised that it was not the rational part of his mind that refused to accept his new circumstances, not anymore. No, rather, it was fear.
If he accepted the world as it was presented to him—and he didn’t—it would mean so many things at once that it would be overwhelming. First off, it would mean one of two things. One: he was in a completely different universe and world, and there was nothing stopping him from slowly being poisoned by its atmosphere. Despite being here for quite some time, who was to say he wasn’t developing some kind of exotic cancer or disease from exposure to a literal alien environment?
The second thing it could mean was potentially worse. He was not in another universe, but rather in a different part of his own universe, one where sapient colourful ponies, griffons, gorilla dogs, and honest-to-God magic were not only possible, but quite real and considered mundane. Which, if Handy were a lesser man or a man who based his entire worldview soundly on currently understood physics, would reduce him to a gibbering wreck. Handy was neither, however, so he was merely reduced to a panicking, self-doubting wreck instead.
He had been wrestling with this ever since he and Joachim had left Spurbay, and he was not reacting well. Admittedly, he had been purposefully keeping such thoughts at bay during his stay at the town, which ultimately proved wise. Stopping on their journey to the village of Foalsdale, the two of them stopped under a rocky outcropping. The rain storm had caught up with them, and it was giving the ground a right, proper Scottish drubbing. Handy excused himself while Joachim settled down, citing he was going off to relieve himself. Walking off unsteadily away from the road into nearby trees, Handy collapsed to the ground, clasping the sides of his head.
‘Oh God, I’m alone here!’ he screamed internally, breathing heavily. ‘This can’t be real… But it must be….’ He rubbed his eyes furiously, the downpour soaking him to the bone, but he didn’t care. He placed his hands in the muddy ground before him, fingers curling inward, digging into the dirt as if he could strangle the earth itself. ‘I’m alone on an alien world, and there’s no way to get back!’ Handy clasped his face again, his muddy hands dirtying it as his hair hung down from his head in clumped up locks. He had no idea how he got here and no idea how to return, or if he could at all.
He coughed harshly. The radical change in diet, the exposure, and the sudden change of lifestyle had ravaged him. Whereas before he had hardly ever exerted himself and used his car to get to where he was going, now he had to walk miles upon miles, do heavy labour, and generally be a hundred times more active than he otherwise would have been. He had lost a lot of weight, but not in a good way. His body was reacting badly. Joachim had voiced some concern when he noticed the difference, but Handy had waved him off. The pony doctors wouldn’t have known what a healthy human his size should look like anyway. Besides, Handy was too proud to have them fuss over him. He’d adapt—it was not as if he was truly starving, and this would ultimately prove healthier in the long run, but he saw fever and being bedridden in his near future. Body shock was not a good thing.
He knelt there for some time, the only sound accompanying the human being the apathetic patter of the falling rain. He ground his teeth, riding out the anger and frustration that flooded his being as the thoughts rushed through his head as the final mental safeguards fell under the weight of the evidence. The implications flooded his mind. He had played video games, roleplaying games, anything and everything to do with high fantasy and magic, and now that he was basically in a world that contained such things, he found he could do nought but flee from it. Even if the only place he could run to was the denial within his own mind.
He smiled grimly at the thought, letting out a short chuckle that had no warmth in it. He was shaking, but it wasn’t from the cold. He balled up his fist and punched the tree to his immediate right, doing nothing to the unyielding wood. He saw nothing else to do, and he could no longer hide behind his own ignorance. Slowly he clasped his hands together.
‘Oh God… What do I do?’
--=--
“Took your time,” Joachim commented, lifting his head as he let out a yawn. He turned to his right as he saw the bipedal form of Handy walk back to the outcrop. Joachim frowned. “You get in a fight with the ground or something?” he asked.
“Mud is slippery, Joach,” Handy said, shaking, trying to get the worst of the water off of him. “Kinda what happens when it rains.” He took a cloth from his pack bag and rubbed his face. He looked at his now longer hair in annoyance and felt his chin. “Gonna need to cut this soon.”
“Why?” Joachim asked.
“Most human males keep their hair short. Well, shorter than the women do. I usually keep it shorter than most.”
“Doesn’t that get cold?” Joachim asked, raising an eyebrow. Handy nodded, smiling wryly.
“I guess, but it’s more comfortable. At least I think so,” Handy said. Joachim shook his head.
“I don’t get it. You humans don’t seem to have that much fur to begin with. Why cut what little you have off?” he asked. Handy shook his head, waving his hand.
“It’d take too long to explain. There’s a reason I fobbed off the ponies by pretending I was some disenfranchised nobleman.” Joachim mock-gasped.
“Really!? You mean you aren’t some exotic foreign noble? I’d have never have guessed!” Joachim said with a shit-eating grin. “No, but seriously, your entire species cuts the fur off their bodies? That’s kind of messed up.”
“We don’t.” Handy sighed, rubbing his forehead. “We’re all born naked with barely any hair. It’s one of the reasons we wear clothes all the time.”
“Huh.” Joachim rubbed his chin. Which he technically didn’t have because, you know, beaks. “Seems strange.”
“We used to have fur—well, our distant ancestors did—really, really long time ago.”
“Then is that why you humans started wearing clothes? Because you lost your fur?” Joachim asked contemplatively. “Or did you lose fur because you started wearing clothes all the time?”
“We…” Handy said, a shocked expression on his face. As far as he knew, that was actually one of the bigger questions about the evolution of homo sapiens. Why exactly did we lose almost all of our hair? “We… don’t know actually. It’s one of our mysteries.” Joachim did not look pleased at the answer, but he didn’t press it. Instead, he decided to enquire about other things.
“So, what’s the other reasons?” he asked, idly chewing on a rabbit leg he had been roasting over a small fire. Handy was amazed he could get one lit in this weather but was grateful all the same as he warmed himself.
“What?”
“You said your furlessness was one of the reasons your people wear clothes all the time. What are the others?” Handy didn’t respond immediately.
“Because we greatly value our privacy,” Handy said at last. It was truly only part of the reason he thought of, but it would suffice. “That includes includes our naked selves—we simply aren’t comfortable with it as you or the ponies would be. And yes, I know this makes my species sound like prudes, but it is very difficult to put it into words. You’d have to be one of us for a while to understand. We have a lot of weird rules about dress standards and norms, and it differs from human culture to culture, but that’s the common thread.” Joachim snorted.
“Useless. That doesn’t make any sense.” Handy shrugged.
“Take it or leave it. Like I said, I don’t think you’d understand,” he said, scratching his chin. He had a nice burr going on there, but it was getting itchy. He would need to find a razor soon. “’Sides, what are you griffons like?”
“What?”
“Griffons,” Handy repeated. “You don’t talk much about your people, and you’re the only one I’ve seen so far. What are you guys like? Are you all feather-brained assholes?” Handy asked jokingly. Joachim scowled.
“If you must know, we’re a proud people.” Joachim held his head high. “And no, we aren’t feather-brained assholes, naked ape. We come from Griffonia, a large kingdom to the east. Mountainous and harsh at times, we take great pride in our clans.” Handy chuckled. “What’s so funny?”
“Proud race, highlands, clans? Griffons are basically Scotsmen,” Handy said. Joachim cocked his head. “Oh relax, it’s a compliment, I was just comparing you to a human culture.” Joachim snorted. “So what brings you so far from home?” Handy asked, taking another piece of cooked rabbit, its meat crunchy. Probably been on the spit too long. Not good when there was so little meat to be had, but he wasn’t going to complain. Meat was meat.
Joachim visibly stiffened. Handy failed to notice this, his own faraway gaze lingering on a puddle being bombarded with heavy raindrops. “Wanderlust,” Joachim said. Handy looked at him.
“You’re just out exploring?” he asked. Joachim nodded.
“I’m not one to stay in one place for long.” He looked up to the sky. The sun was getting awfully low. “Anyway, looks like we aren’t getting any more distance done today.” He yawned. “Best get some rest,” Joachim said, curling up on the ground and covering his face with a wing. Handy considered the fact that the bird had finished the conversation pretty quickly. But he didn’t press matters. If he didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to talk. He shifted to try to get comfortable and pulled out a rather thick travel blanket from his pack, shivering.
He fumbled in the pocket of his robe, pulling out the expensive brick that used to be his phone. He hit the power button and, faithfully, it turned on to its nice, shiny, cracked, white screen. Handy grimaced and replaced the phone in his pocket, unsure of why he even still kept it. ‘Because it's mine,’ he reasoned. He reasoned. He hated phones, but ever since he got his smartphone, his tune had changed. Not by much, but enough. In his enthusiasm, he had filled the entire phone with as much music as he could reasonably get away with, which was odd since he had rarely, if ever, listened to it. He had at least six hours of classical, some traditional, five minutes of dubstep—he still wasn’t sure why he had that—various other genres, as well as the odd song he liked that didn’t really fit with the rest. He shrugged. Now he’d never get to listen to it.
--=--
“Ohhhh you’ve got opportunity in this very community~”
“Oh, fuck off,” Handy said under his breath.
Handy had been expecting many things upon arrival at Foalsdale. At the very least, he had expected the cautious xenophobia of Spurbay when he had first arrived with Joachim, or even the sheer terror that he had inspired in the few traveling ponies they had met on the way there. Honestly, all he did was smile! That was it, no more smiling for anybody. You! You right there? Want a smile? Well you can’t handle a smile! Unless he actually wanted to scare ponies—the pansies couldn’t handle a simple pair of canines.
“He’s Flim, he’s Flam! We’re the world famous Flim Flam brothers~”
What he had not been expecting was the pony equivalent of snake oil salesmen. Well, that and a spontaneous musical number that seemed entirely unscripted and participated in by just about everyone in the town. That was just… spooky to witness. Hell, looking down, he saw Joachim moving side to side to it. He shook his head, his respect for the griffon decreasing by the second.
“Traveling salesponies nonpareil~”
Those ponies spoke French. Handy’s worldview was shattered. He was done here. He shifted his weight and rose from the bench he had been sitting on, tapped Joachim on the shoulder to get his attention, and jerked a thumb back behind the nearest house. Joachim looked confused for a moment before following.
“So I have decided we are not going to be working for them,” Handy said definitively.
“What!?” Joachim said, shocked. “Why not!?”
“Because it is fucking ridiculous.”
“What’s ridiculous about it?” Joachim said, looking back.
“They are literally assholes in striped shirts and corn hats singing to a crowd to work them into a frenzy into buying shit that is probably defective. I know charlatans when I see them.”
“Oh come on!” Joachim pleaded, claw outstretched for emphasis. “I can vouch for these guys. Hell, these are the ones I bought the salve from in the first place!” Handy perked up.
“Really?” he asked.
“Yeah, I mean, I had no idea these were the merchants I had heard about, but if we work for them, we might get more of the stuff on the side,” Joachim said. Handy considered it. Salamander salve was incredibly useful. Also, it felt amazing. Like, really amazing—Handy had found himself wanting to use some of it just for the sake of it.
“Alright, but seriously, they’d better not go off on another one of those musical numbers.”
“What?” the griffon asked.
“The singing. They started singing out of nowhere, and everyone joined in as if it was a practiced and rehearsed Gaiety Theatre play.” Joachim blinked.
“Uhm… That’s uh… that’s normal,” Joachim replied. Handy stared incredulously.
“Normal?”
“Yeah. Don’t they sing in the human lands?” he asked. Handy’s mouth opened and closed several times, trying to formulate a response. That this sudden unscripted pantomime could be pulled off naturally without so much as word one about practicing beforehand was not only considered normal but expected astounded him. He rubbed the bridge of his nose.
’Roll with it man, just… just roll with it.’ Handy looked back at Joachim. “Never mind, let’s just go offer our services.” The pair of them walked back into the centre of town as the song died down and excited ponies walked off with orange bottles in their muzzles. Several of them looked up at Handy and reacted with shock. Handy merely shook his head. Surely they weren’t so distracted they didn’t notice the six foot naked ape in their presence this whole time? But there we have it.
The two surprisingly tall unicorns were busy chatting idly to each other when the pair of them strolled up. “Oh, look what have we here, oh brother of mine! More customers!” said the unicorn with the, quite frankly, magnificent moustache. His brother turned and greeted us.
“Ah good, you’re here. We were about to close up for the day,” the other unicorn replied. Handy could tell already he was going to have a hard time telling the two apart. They were both cream-coated, had red and white manes, and their cutie marks were the same. Moustache pony had a full apple with a piece cut out of it, and the other one, who he assumed was younger because he lacked his brother’s magnificent facial hair, had an apple slice on his flank. “Mayhap we can tempt you fellows into purchasing our…” The younger brother looked at Joachim strangely, which Handy entirely approved of. About time he wasn’t what drew somepony’s suspicious curiosity. “…Uh, brother of mine, I dare say we have a repeat customer before us.”
“Mmm?” mustachio pony responded before looking at Joachim. His eyes slowly grew wider. “…Oh dear, I do believe you are correct. Hmm, oh look at the time, brother of mine. Isn’t it time we should be moving on?” the pony said, backing up slowly to the wagon behind him, magically pulling a tarp over the crates inside of it.
“What? Hang on a minute, wait!” Joachim pleaded. “We’re here about the job!” That caused the unicorns to stop. “You wanted a few ponies to help you out with your caravan, right? Protection and labour right?” Joachim asked. “I bought some of your salamander salve before—great stuff. Myself and my friend here are both fans. We’d be happy to work for you,” Joachim said. The two unicorns looked at each other for a moment. Handy immediately felt nervous. He crouched to Joachim’s level.
“Are you sure about this, Joach? These ponies are awfully jumpy.” Joachim shook his head and whispered back.
“Oh come on. I’m a griffon and you’re a whatever the hell you are. You should be used to ponies not reacting well to the pair of us.” Handy grimaced but did not press the matter.
“Oh, excellent! Yes, we had been looking for adventurous sorts such as yourselves!” moustache pony said, suddenly beside them both in an instant and gripped the griffon with a hoof over his right shoulder. “You see, my brother and I are branching out! We are sending this wagon on to other towns and villages to finish selling our goods. We need to go back to Canterlot to deal with our investors.” Handy looked at the wagon. It was fairly big with a number of crates. He looked at himself and down at Joachim and chewed the inside of his mouth. Neither of them were built for pulling something like that for any length of time. “You’ll be helping Charity Bell as she pulls the wagon,” the younger brother said. Oh, thank God.
“Charity Bell?” Handy asked.
“Oh yes, another recent employee. She came to us yesterday to sign up. Ohhh Charity!” Flim said, or was that Flam? Ah, who cared? A whitish-pink earth pony with a long, purple mane trotted over to the group.
“Yeah?” she said abruptly, evidently not in a chipper mood.
“I’d like you to meet your partners. They’ll be traveling with you,” the unicorn said, gesturing to the pair of them.
“Hi! I’m Joachim!” Charity just looked at Joachim with disinterest but did a double take, blinking furiously when she noticed Handy. He sighed heavily. You know, getting treated like you sprouted a second head got old after a while. Honestly, how in the hell had she not noticed him until now? He kind of stuck out.
“And I’m Handy,” he said, extending his hand and bending over a bit. The earth pony was hesitant for a moment before smiling lightly and shaking his hand with her hoof.
“A… pleasure,” she said. Handy sensed a bit of uncertainty in her voice and something odd in her eyes. Shifty ponies. Shifty ponies errywhere. “If that’s all, boss?” she asked, turning back to Flam… Flim… Whatever.
“Ah contraire, we actually need to be going now. The wagon is in your care. Now you know the rules,” the unicorn stated before brother McAwesomestach piped up. “These goods are in clearance and need to be sold before the end of the month. You’ll get to keep the profits after paying your fellows here their share of course, and when you return to us, you’ll get that position we talked about.” The mare looked between the brothers and Handy before nodding.
“I understand. So we’re setting off now then?” she asked
“Indubitably, my dear!” Mustache pony said before his brother spoke in his place.
“I’d advise you hurry your pace. I believe we’ve sold all we’re going to sell here in Foalsdale. We need to get a move on if we want to catch the train.”
“Indeed, brother of mine,” said the younger one, magically tying a knot in a coin purse he put inside his saddlebags. “You do us proud, kids,” he said as he trotted off, Mustache brother not far behind him, tipping his hat to them.
Charity Bell watched them leave. As soon as they were out of sight, she slunk to her haunches and let out a breath. Handy raised an eyebrow. “I take it you’re not fond of our bosses?” he asked, noticing as Joachim went over to the wagon and fixing the tarp into place. He had a sneaking suspicion he was trying to see if he could snag a loose bottle of salve out of the crates, for surely those were the bottles he saw.
“My bosses actually,” Charity said, eyes closed. She took another breath before getting back to her hooves and opening her eyes to look up at Handy. “Since I’m the one paying you with my profits, I’m your boss. And what exactly are you anyway? A mutant minotaur?”
‘Minotaurs too? Why not just throw dragons into this bucket too?’ Handy mentally sighed. This pony was going to be difficult to work with, and he could tell he didn’t like her already. Ah well, money was money. Time to work the old charm. Handy gave her a warm smile and closed his eyes briefly before opening them to look at her. “My apologies, I am a human. I come from a distant land.”
“Oh yeah? And where’s that?” she asked, looking at the bottom of her hoof as if mulling something over. Handy noticed she was wearing a horseshoe, which was odd. He had not noticed any of the ponies other than the miners wear any. Perhaps ponies only wore them when they were doing heavy labour? Must be uncomfortable nailing iron into your foot all the time. Handy considered her question. You know, this was a land of myth and legend, right? Fantasy and magic? They never heard of humans? Well, he HAD been only telling half-truths and not-quite-lies so far. Why not go all the way? Time to get mythological.
“Milesia,” he said. “One of many human nations. An island on the edge of a great sea that borders our continent.” The pony perked up at that.
“But I thought you said you were a human?”
“I am, but you must understand, there are many human nations. We can’t all call our country after our species, so instead we call them after our ancient tribal names for ourselves. I am a Milesian, a son of Milesius the Conqueror. My family were nobles but have fallen on hard times these past few generations. We still carry our traditions. I am currently here in Equestria, lost, so I make my way as an adventurer and a fortune seeker.”
Charity eyed Handy for a moment, as if considering what he said. “Then how did you get here?” she asked. A reasonable question, but Joachim stepped in to answer it.
“Oh you’ll love this,” he said, shit-eating grin activated and at the ready. Handy groaned audibly. “You not up to telling her? Okay then.”
“Wait, Joachim—”
“You see Handy here—”
“Joach—”
“Shush! Woke up in the middle of the Everfree right?”
“The Everfree?” Charity asked, her vision narrowing in incredulity.
“Yeah! He was a right mess when he came out.”
“I was in there a whole day! Give me a break!”
“And a whole night! Probably longer, and do you want to know why, Charity?” Joach asked. Handy facepalmed.
“Why?” she asked, now interested.
“Well see, Handy here apparently has a constitution to rival gods,” Joachim said.
“Joachim, this is not the ti—”
“So one night, coming home from a long day’s work, our good friend here decided he had enough of life’s droll and decided to ah… wet his beak shall we say…” He smiled up at the fuming human. Charity’s face blanched.
“Nooo…” She had begun to see where Joachim was going with this.
“Yeeeeep!” Joachim stated. “Handy here got so drunk, so, incredibly drunk he… went for a stroll.” Handy facepalmed. “And crossing oceans and who knows how many miles of land, ended up here in Equestria, and woke up in the middle of the Everfree.”
“That’s… ridiculous,” Charity said, but her face was cracking, trying to suppress a smile. “A-ha, you mean to tell me, in one night, he got so drunk he travelled across continents and oceans? That’s impossible.” Joachim raised an eyebrow and turned his head, which was now sixty five percent shit-eating bird grin, to face Handy. Handy, now flustered, looked at the ground.
“It… wasn’t just one night…”
“Excuse me?” Charity said, trying to suppress a chortle, for she could no longer suppress a smile.
“My hair wasn’t… this long before my stupor… and it was winter…”
“Didn’t quite catch that.” She leaned closer for him to speak up.
“WEEKS! ALRIGHT! I WENT ON A DRUNKEN BENDER THAT LASTED WEEKS! I AM MISSING NEARLY AN ENTIRE SEASON’S WORTH OF MEMORIES! I GOT SO DRUNK I HAD AN ADVENTURE THAT TOOK ME TO A LAND THAT IS LITERALLY ENTIRELY UNKNOWN TO ME ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE GOD DAMN WORLD!” Handy shouted, thoroughly embarrassed. “I always knew I could take a substantial amount of drink without losing my senses or even my memories. More so than my father could at any rate. But I never did, but one night I decided ‘fuck the world’ and got drunk beyond legendary proportions and now I am stuck here in Equestria with pigeon shit here making a mockery of me, and worst of all is that I don’t even know why I did it.” Charity just stared. Joachim roared with laughter at Handy’s reaction. The human growled and bared his teeth. That made Charity flinch just a bit, but she soon got over it, barely stifling a laugh herself.
“To be fair – ha – he hasn’t touched the stuff since. Even when he was serving as a bartender,” Joachim said.
“Would you!? How would you like it if the boot was on the other foot… paw… human thing…? Fuck you!” Joachim roared again with mirth. Charity was now laughing openly too. Handy stalked off.
--=--
The three of them made good progress for the rest of the day. Well, good progress after Joachim and Charity were done going back and forth at Handy and making the journey seem longer than it was. Their trail took them through a long trade, flanked on either side by tall pine woods, leaving the three of them largely to themselves. Joachim took to flying above the treetops to keep an eye out for any trouble, leaving Handy with the earth pony who was pulling the cart with an ease that surprised him.
“So, Handy.” Oh here we go. As much as he hated her right now, charm mode was easily best mode, so he stuck that gentle smile on his face and played his part. “What’s your home like?” Handy pondered that for a moment. Might as well continue with his mythological shtick.
“Lonely and melancholic mostly,” he said. “It is a land of rolling rolls, where the lakes are as deep as the mountains are tall, mist covers the land at twilight, where the moon is masked by eternal clouds and sunshine dimmed by rain. We Milesians are considered mad by most of our kin, for all our wars are merry and all our songs are sad.” Charity seemed to wilt, her ears drooping back.
“Oh… uh… sorry,” she said.
“My, whatever for?” he asked jovially.
“I uh, I don’t mean to be rude but your homeland sounds… terrible.”
“It really isn’t. It is close to our hearts, and we do love it so. Indeed, such is our love of it that it has spawned our reputation for saints and scholars, for when there is so little warmth in the land, we find warmth in the mind.”
“But… it sounds so sad.”
“We enjoy the sadness.”
“Why?” she asked, now concerned. “Do your people not know love and friendship?” Handy laughed.
“My little pony, of course we do! But how can we not love our sadness too? We are born into it, it is what we breathe, and it is infused in our blood which is red, as sure as the sun shines. Home is where the heart is after all.”
“But surely you can at least change your weather so that it is not always so dreary at the least…,” she pleaded. Handy shrugged. More of this weather control nonsense.
“We cannot control the weather where I am from. It does what it wilt, and we have learned to live with its tyranny,” he said. Charity looked to the ground as if digesting what he had told her. She looked back up at him and… Was that worry? Fear? Oh dear, he’d gone and frightened a pony again. Maybe he laid it on a bit thick.
“You said your people know of love right?” she asked. Handy nodded. “I don’t see how with a country like that, but if such is true, do you have a special somepony waiting for you at home?” she asked, looking concerned. Handy snorted.
“That’s a tad bit personal to ask, but if you must know, my dear, no, I do not have sweetheart awaiting for me back upon my home shores.” She looked disappointed. Now that just confused Handy. He was about to enquire further before Joachim landed before them.
“We got trouble,” he said, a concerned look on his face.
“What is it?” Charity asked. Handy readied his staff.
“Pegasi, six of them, in two pairs of three. They’re trailing green cloaks behind them.”
“Thieves?” Handy asked. He had learned a lot from the fight in the caverns, namely when fighting tiny horses, stay the FUCK away from their kicks and you’re golden. Now, FLYING horses on the other hand…
“I don’t know, but they seem to be converging on our location.” Handy smacked his forehead and groaned.
“Of course they did, Joachim, they’ve been following you! They noticed you were following the road through the forest and figured you were protecting something.” His mind raced.
“We need to get off the road before they find us!” Charity said, panic biting at the edge of her voice. Handy looked at the road before them, his face frowning.
“That may not be an option,” he said and gestured ahead with his stick. Three more ponies trotted down the road towards them, coming around a bend in the road. They wore green cloaks and hoods. The cloaks bore an image of a crescent moon with a silhouette of a pine tree imprinted upon it. Looking up, the pegasi were now hovering above them, still high above the treeline but with a clear access to the small party should they decide to dive in to attack them.
“Thornwood Patrol! Stay where you are!” one of them shouted. The party really had no choice to obey—they couldn’t get off-road, and Charity was still hooked to the wagon. Joachim looked about him nervously as the three ground patrol ponies closed up on them. The lead one, an earth pony, lowered his hood.
“I’m Sergeant Haypenny. Terribly sorry about this, but we’ve been on high alert searching for criminals trading in illegal goods. I’m afraid we’re going to need to search your wares.” Joachim, slowly extended his wings and moved slowly back to the wagon. Handy gripped his stick and stood in front of Charity.
“We’re only trying to get by here. How do we know you’re really officers of the law and not brigands with matching coats?” Handy asked, his eyes darting from pony to pony. ‘Okay, two earth ponies, strong. That one there’s a unicorn, weaker but the magic might be a bit of trouble.’ His eyes darted upwards. ‘Pegasi, fast and aerial. My best bet is getting into the woods—their flight will count for nought.’ Haypenny sighed.
“Private,” he ordered.
“Sir!” the female unicorn said. She pulled down her hood and magicked out a pendant with a seal of the sun and moon upon it in gold. Joachim clicked his beak.
“Ponyfeathers,” he swore. Handy didn’t like the sound of that—sounded like Joachim thought it was legit and authoritative. Looking back, he saw that Charity was cringing too. He sighed.
“Bollocks. Alright, search away,” he said, stepping aside.
“Thank you. Now if you could step away from the wagon, sirs, ma’am.” Charity unhooked herself from the wagon as the three of them stepped over into the ditch at the side of the road. The three ground ponies marched over to the wagon and started to get to work. Handy immediately felt apprehensive. He knew those snake oil hawkers were too shifty to be trusted. Hmm, snake oil… salamander salve. Handy chewed the inside of his lip for a moment before his mind finally clinched it. Salamander salve was powerful, probably even magical when he thought about it. It made sense, considering what it could do. In fact, ever since he used it, he had been hankering for it. He didn’t even need it, but he wanted it, badly at times, almost like… like an addiction.
‘Oh dear God,’ he realised at last, ‘we’re drug mules! This is a bust!’ He crouched and pulled the two others closer to him. “We need. To fucking bail. Right now.” he hissed.
“What!? And leav—” Charity said before he squeezed her shoulder tighter.
“Flim and Flam set us up to take the fall. These cops are here for us!” he hissed. “Salamander salve is an illegal drug!” Joachim’s eyes widened. “When I say go, we move.” Charity shook her head.
“No, I need this! I need the bi—”
“Sir! We found them! All the crates are full of contraband!” one of the earth ponies said. Handy saw the pegasi making ready to dive at them.
“MOVE!” he roared. He swung his arm around and scooped up the startled earth pony who only a moment before had been making to move closer to the wagon. She yelped in protest, but he didn’t give one rotten fuck as he sprinted into the darkness of the woods. Joachim did the same dodging between the thick pines as they heard the shouting of the ponies behind them.
Handy lost sight of Joachim, but he heard the noise of the ponies behind him as they crashed through the thickets. He cursed, evergreen forests and their lack of lush ground vegetation being not what he needed right now. Charity was slowing him down, and she was protesting anyway, so he gratefully dropped her on her flank and bellowed,“Run! Get away! They can’t catch all of us!” at the stunned-looking pony. He didn’t bother looking back as he ran on.
He never saw the pegasi coming until he had almost kicked him square on the jaw with a literal flying kick. He pulled up short and saw the pony break the bark of a nearby tree. He winced, for that could have been him. He immediately swung his staff around and clocked the guardspony on the side of the head, sending it sprawling to the ground. It quickly got to its feet but not before Handy rushed over, and with a swing of his boot, swiped up under the pony and caught him square in the gut. Winding it, he whirled the staff around and down, cracking it against the back of the pony’s head. The pony went down, and Handy breathed heavily, adrenaline pumping through him. He hurried on.
‘That’s twice now, Joach,’ Handy thought viciously. ‘That’s two jobs you’ve gotten us into that ended in disaster. If I ever see you again—’ His thoughts were interrupted as a rock caught him in the shoulder, the force and shock of the blow sending him to the ground. He groaned as he stumbled to his feet. He had fallen into a decline. Looking up, an imperious-looking unicorn glared down at him in scorn, another rock telekinetically held aloft.
“You’re under arrest for handling of illegal goods and assault of an officer of the law. Surrender now or I will forcibly place you into custody.” Handy utterly refused to take this mare seriously with that kind of high pitched voice. However, he struggled to figure out a way to escape this mare’s wrath without incapacitating her. He did not relish the idea of hitting a woman, alien or otherwise.
“Alright,” Handy said, getting up until he was on one knee and held his hands above his head, the staff still clasped in his right. “I’ll surrender.” The mare blinked in surprise and smiled.
“Really?” she asked hopefully, dropping the rock.
‘Excellent, she’s naïve.’ “Hahaha NOPE!” he said and flung the staff overhead at her. The stick spun end over end, and the mare let out a yelp of surprise as she brought up a shield. Handy had thought she’d do the smart thing and catch it in her magical grasp and fling it back, but this worked out even better. He sprung to his feet and dashed behind a tree. This was going to take some thinking.
“Where are you!?” she demanded as she stalked down from her perch, his staff gripped telekinetically as several stones circled over her head ready to be flung. He shifted, slunk down, and picked up a stone. He flung it to his right where it, thankfully, hit another rock creating a discernable noise. “Aha!” she cried, rushing over to investigate a thoroughly empty bush. Handy used the distraction to duck behind another tree slightly further away from the mare. “Grrrnh! That’s not funny! Get out here and face your fate like a stallion, coward!”
‘Believe me, if there was any honour for me in it, I would already be out there kicking your tiny arse,’ Handy thought angrily. He then saw an opportunity. The mare walked up close to his tree, her left side closest to it, and her head was turned away. He reached around the tree, and coming behind her, tapped her right shoulder. She turned her head suddenly to her right, her weapons raised. He then leaned around the tree’s other side. Bending over, he brought his mouth close to her ear. Looking away as she was, she didn’t notice him.
“Boo!” he said softly before jerking upright suddenly as the pony spun around with tremendous force… and promptly smacked her head into the hard bark, her magic discharging violently from her horn and shooting upwards as she collapsed in a daze. Handy snickered. That worked out better than expected.
Crack.
Handy froze.
Creeeeeeeeeee-ack.
He looked up. A rather distressingly large portion of the upper tree was hanging by a sliver of bark skin. Handy’s eyes widened. ‘Oh fuck me sideways,’ he thought.
CRACK! The branch fell at a terrifying speed, and Handy dove out of the way. He was not quick enough. With a yelp of pain, he felt the tree crash down on his legs, pinning him to the ground. “Fuck!” he swore. “Shitshitshitshit!”
“Private Dewglow! Report!” he heard a voice shout in the distance. “Has anyone seen that unicorn!?”
“Sir! Pony down!” a responding voice shouted. It seemed like they had found that pegasi he took out before. Handy struggled.
“What is it with this world and fucking my legs over!?” he hissed.
“Handy!” a voice uttered behind him. He looked and saw Joachim fall down from above. He looked terrible. Handy was pleased that he at least was not getting off easy.
“Joach! Damn it, man! Look at the trouble you got us into again!”
“I couldn’t have known!” he protested as he rushed over to help push the tree off of Handy’s legs. Luckily, they didn’t feel broken. “I mean, those ponies seem kind enough an-and it was supposed to be a simple job…”
“What, like the mine? I vaguely remember something about a week of slavery and almost dying fifty million times, ye eejit!”
“I’m sorry! Look let me…”
“Oh, just go!” Handy said.
“What?”
“I said go! Buzz off or they’ll catch you too!”
“I can’t just leave you here! I need to help you get out. You’d do the same for me!”
‘No, I really wouldn’t,’ Handy thought viciously, thoughts surfacing about abandoning an unconscious Joachim as he explored that cave, guilt and opportunism being the only reason Joachim was still alive. “Just go, we can’t lift it!”
“But—”
“MOVE IT, BIRD BRAIN!”
“Over here! I heard something!” one of the guards shouted. Joachim looked conflicted. Handy sighed.
“Look, I’ll get out of this—trust me on this. Now get out of here, we’ll meet up again sometime,” he said. ‘Because I know the universe isn’t done fucking with me yet. It never is.’ “Now go!” he said, shooing Joachim off. He took a few steps back, looking at the forest towards where the sounds of the guardsponies emanated. His wings opened up as he looked back at Handy.
“Sorry,” he said at last. Handy didn’t even look at him. He took off into the trees before closing his wings and jumped from tree to tree to get away.
Handy sat there, considering his options. How on earth was he going to worm his way out of this? He knew it was foolish to refuse the griffon’s help, but he was furious with the bird and too proud to be saved yet again by the damn chimera. It was then he saw the tree lit up as if ablaze with green balefire. Handy let out a yelp of shock, for the tree lifted up and off of his legs. He quickly pulled himself out from under it, patting down his ruined jeans and lower robe, confounded by how they were unaffected by the flames. He got on his feet as the tree was placed back on the ground and the flames dissipated. The tree was unharmed. He heard hoofsteps to his left and turned.
“Charity?” Handy asked as the earth pony emerged from the shadows, her eyes briefly flashing green.
“This way, follow me!” she said. Handy hesitated but then followed after her. He chased after the pony deeper into the woods, the sounds of the guardsponies behind him eventually growing quieter as he followed the pony, ducking and weaving between trees. Eventually, the pony stopped in front of a large hole beneath a rather old and gnarled tree. “This should do,” she said.
“Do for what?” Handy asked, panting, “And how did you lift that tree? I didn’t think earth po—”
“No time, quick!” She reached into her mane and pulled out an odd, circular object with a green pulsating gem in the middle. The cover looked chitinous. She pressed down on the gem and threw the disc into the hole. Handy was momentarily blinded by a flash of green light. When his vision normalized, he was looking at a rather ominous green vortex where the hole used to be. It was almost sickening to look at. “Quick, get in!” Charity demanded.
“Charity, what the hell is this? What’s going on?” Handy responded. She groaned and moved behind him.
“Get your flank in there!” she said as she bucked Handy, sending him collapsing into the vortex. For a brief moment, everything Handy knew was a whirling, dizzying spin cycle of burning sensation, and then, silence. It stopped as soon as it had started, and Handy slowly pushed himself off of the ground, which was suddenly cold and flat. It was smoothed stone. He looked up around him and saw arching walls leading up to a high ceiling. The architecture was strange and alien to him, like something you would see on the ship the colonial marines found in the first Aliens movie—black, but with a sheen and lots and lots of green light.
He was surrounded by creatures. They looked like ponies but… they were different. They were covered in a black, hard shell and had prominent fangs. Their legs had holes cut clean through, as if sliced through with a laser. They had large eyes, entirely covered in a light blue shell, giving an entirely insectoid appearance. Most of them had insect wings, and he heard a large degree of buzzing as they milled around them, spears pointing at him as he knelt there. Another noise sounded behind him. The nearest comparison he could make was a raging fire, suddenly swallowed down a sink, followed by hoofsteps.
“Thorax, report,” one of the creature before him demanded, looking over Handy’s shoulder. Handy followed his gaze to see Charity Bell behind him just as she was consumed in green flames and… turned into another one of these… things. “Your mission was to scout and ingratiate yourself in Canterlot. Why have you brought this thing here?”
“Captain, I am also responsible for bringing any threats to the throne to the kingdom’s attention,” the thing that used to be Charity Bell answered. She, if it even was a she, looked at Handy with those cold, armoured eyes. “This creature is heartless.” Well that was just rude! “I was unable to detect him until he was literally right in front of me. I probed him for information and to determine if he was a viable food source.” Okay, well that was just all kinds of terrifying. “This creature, this… human, is capable of mimicking all forms of expression. I have seen him express embarrassment, anger, and joviality to a convincing degree, but felt none of it. He is null, a space that does not exist.”
“What?” Handy asked. He was smacked on the back of his head by one of the creatures.
“Silence! Continue, Thorax,” the ‘captain’ said. It was hard to distinguish between them honestly.
“This creature cannot be detected nor read, nor fed on. We were beset upon by Equestrian forest patrol, and I determined it was best that the ponies do not discover his abilities, lest they use them against us, so I brought him here, using the emergency sidhe.”
“You have done well, Thorax. I will see to it that it does not go unrewarded,” the captain responded. ‘Thorax’ lowered her… its head.
“I live to serve, Captain.”
“That you do. Alert the queen! And put this one in a pod.”
“Pod?” Handy asked, now immensely concerned. He didn’t understand anything of what was being passed around. However, he didn’t have long to fret over these concerns, as something big and hard hit the back of his head, and the human hit the floor like a sack of potatoes, unconscious.
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Our ancestors were persistent hunters in the African Savanna. We dropped the fur to be able to sweat and regulate better our loss of inner heat, very useful when running after the prey, sometimes miles of distance. We use clothes to protect ourselves in colder climate areas, and our pudeness may be related to the fact we cannnot hide our "things" under the coat or sheats like ponies and griffin do.
Not so difficult, Handy.
Handy is a moron. A complet moron. All these situations are all in part his fault. If he just explained what happened to the guards they would have believed him since they are trusting ponies.
What is a 'sidhe'?
4736403 A race of fairies from Celtic mythology from what I''ve read
well, handy, you would probably have been better off getting caught by the narcs, not the soulsucking parasites.
4919856 And the main villian/neutral party/ Macguffins in Dresden files
3949666 The average human is a nightmare for anything living in Equestria. Humanity lives through war, logic and economics.
Flim & Flam dealers
The whole thing is going on well . Looking forward !
Remove one of the 'would's
Finish
Idk if this is a joke or not, but if it isn't then it'd be 'everywhere'
5384516 And politics... don't forget politics.
This chapter made me realize I've never read a story where someone straight-up murders Flim and/or Flam... and I kinda wanna see it happen.
6090073 the secret life of rarity
5825975 Politics are the worst. But, at least Donald Trump gives entertainment.
Wait, so why is Handy wearing a cross later if he obviously isn't religious.
I would like to point out that enough blunt force trauma to the head to knock a human out has a 2 in 5 chance of being lethal. Handy is... Really lucky.
Aaaand Thorax is canon now.
Hm Handy seems to have a FIRM hold on the idiot ball...
Seems a little redundant.
Best think you can do in a 20 v 1 scenario:
"It's hiiiiiiiiiiiiigh nooooooooon"
https://youtu.be/g5ogUIKHRxU?t=56
I hate how evolution is accepted without question when it is so mindlessly unscientific--no evidence empirically, genetically, historically, ugh...
Don't mind me, just complaining to myself.
Hooray for prayer!
7943131
Gotta hand it to ya, he truly is lucky during this whole situation.
9464575
https://youtu.be/NArlXzSFt2Y
There is plenty of empirical evidence. This fish species, for example, has literally evolved right in front of us. Fruit flies fo the same thing, and how do you think we got dogs? Artifcial selection, rather than natural, but the same principles apply. Good traits in animals lead to more breeding.
There is a variety of moth that evolved from being white to being black, in order to deal with ash and soot being everywhere from coal plants. So tell me, what evidence do we lack for evolution? Because we don't have any evidence at all for creationism.
Cranky Doodle was a drug mule, in his younger days.