• Published 26th Jan 2014
  • 48,009 Views, 6,079 Comments

Bad Mondays - Handyman



A particularly stubborn human is lost in Equestria and is trying his damnedest to find a way out, while surviving the surprisingly difficult rigours of life in a land filled with cute talking animals. Hilarity ensues.

  • ...
75
 6,079
 48,009

PreviousChapters Next
Chapter 3 - Hearts and Hooves day

So Handy got roped into being the Shady Bough’s bartender.

Well, for the time being at least—he needed the money. It all started the day after the night of the first party, first as in the first of several. Apparently, the ponies had had so much fun that they decided to give that shit sequels. He had woken up to find he had been locked in. It seemed several ponies had decided to use the shed as the ‘end goal’ of some kind of game that was halfway between rugby and handball. He was not sure since the description Joachim had given him was rather vague. By the end of it, it had resulted in a rather distressingly large pile of colourful stallions and mares passed out drunk with an equally mad assortment of balls of all shapes and sizes all stacked against his door.

It had taken him two hours to get out. He had been grateful his leg was at least well enough to gingerly stand on, if not well enough to walk unassisted.

After that, he had helped Welcome Sight to sweep up the mess and escort some very bleary-eyed equines off the property. Also had a hell of a time finding the innumerable sleeping foals that had managed to get stuck in every nook and cranny of the inn. Every goddamn one. He had smirked at that. He had known people overseas back home who would have balked at the idea of taking children to a party which involved the adults getting raucously drunk. Handy wasn’t from such a weak-kneed society, however, and knew the local pub was as much a focus of the community as the church. Well, ‘knew’ as much as anyone with a cultural bias could know anything. He was glad to see at least the ponies of Spurbay had that much in common with him. A more rational part of him poked at his mind to at least acknowledge it was a bit irresponsible, but it had been assuaged when he brought the matter up with Welcome who had assured him he had it well in hoof—even had some volunteers who helped keep an eye on things. Pony designated drivers: some things were just universally a good idea it seemed.

And by now you can see where this conversation had gone.

Before he could stop himself, he had admitted he had worked in a bar on and off since he was a child himself. Welcome quickly twisted his arm into helping out with the next night’s festivities… and the next… and the next… apparently ‘anything to get that lad out of the shed.’ Joachim had been anything but helpful about the affair, always making a cad excuse of having to be somewhere else when Handy had work to do. The Saltwater Festival having started weeks early meant ships had arrived in port to a town lit up with life and merriment. Even the passing trade had stopped to make time to join in the fun, meaning the town had been even more full of strange ponies with goods to sell, bellies to fill, and livers to kill, subsequently making Handy’s life hell.

Oh, he had been polite enough with the customers. One did not forget a lifetime of ‘on the side’ training in subtle graces, charm, and witticism from working an Irish pub. He had stumbled a bit at first, as if trying to remember half-forgotten lectures before he had gotten into full swing of being a bar hand. The difference of personality had downright frightened Joachim, who had actually straight up asked Handy if he was the same person he had met in a field over a week ago. Handy had waved him off. It was true; the shock of waking up in Equestria and everything he had experienced had… shook him a bit. He had been more honest and open in his feelings before, more so than normal, but even then he had kept most of his thoughts to himself. Now that he had something to focus on, something of consequence, meaning money, he could settle himself and start focusing on his projection and people handling. Or rather pony handling.

That was all well and good… Well no, it wasn’t. The first few nights had been hell and damnation, rushing to and fro, drinks here and there, cleaning up, stopping tipsy ponies from breaking anything, AND THRICE CURSED FOALS WHO WOULD NOT LEAVE HIM BE! He had half a mind to bar them from the inn despite his general ambivalence to their presence if Welcome hadn’t been there to keep the worst of them in check. However, one fine day the inn had been surprisingly empty. Handy had woken up at his usual time, somewhere in and around ten minutes to eight in the morning. Got up, ate his breakfast, which usually consisted of some kind of sandwich, lettuce, cheese, strawberry jam if he could get it, and put on the ‘robe’, which was essentially a disused sail for a small boat that some kind mare had cut holes and sown sections onto so Handy had something to wear to cover his ruined clothes. Ghetto belt remained however, although now it was now held together by sticky tape rather than strips of his hoody. He completely ignored the presence of ‘sticky tape’ if it meant he got his belt back.

The ponies found it odd he wore clothes all the time, and at the time, Handy really didn’t want to get into a discussion about why all humans wore clothes all the time with rare exception outside of bathing. Even then, some humans wore clothes, so he deftly avoided the whole topic. So he deftly avoided the whole topic. Having seen some well-off ponies in the town wearing clothing, and clothing also being seen as a sign of formality and professionalism, as he had seen business ponies and town officials wearing various articles, he made up some cock and bull story that he was from a human noble family that had fallen down on hard times for the past few generations and tradition was important to him. It got the more inquisitive ponies off his back about the clothes but opened up a whole new can of worms. However, that was a story for another time. Joachim, for one, didn’t believe him but didn’t contradict him either and settled for poking him about his ‘prudishness’.

But not this day.

Handy cleaned the bar, opened the windows to air out the rooms, and awaited the guests to wake up from their rooms and request breakfast. Which they didn’t. He checked the clock in the corner. It was nearly ten. He checked the rooms—climbing stairs with a crutch always being a fun adventure—only to find no one had rented them for the night. “Huh… Well I guess that makes my morning easier,” he said, climbing back down the stairs carefully. “Welcome? You in the kitchen? Don’t bother with the breakfast. No one stayed last night.” Handy made it to the counter. “Welcome?” He went into the back kitchen to find it empty and cleaned. “Must be out. Hey Warm, Joach, you guys up yet?” Handy was met with silence. “Guys?”

Now, this whole build up was just to let you know, dear reader, what Handy would be doing for the rest of the day, and that would be sitting on his lonesome in the Shady Bough and wondering where the hell everyone was that day. It was also to let you know why Handy did what he did at a later date to a certain feathery friend of his. Why? Well, because Handy was not the star of tonight’s tale.

That poor bastard would be Joachim.

--=--

His wings folded against his sides after landing gracefully just outside the warehouse door. “Package for a Mister Lucky Bite?” Joachim asked, his blue, courier visor shading his eyes from the sun, a small brown package in his claws. A tan pony came out of the warehouse.

“That’s me, thank you kindly!” Lucky said with enthusiasm, taking the package and paying Joachim five bits. Joachim placed it within a pouch at his side, held in place with a strap around his shoulder. He tipped his hat before his wings sprung up and immediately shot back down as he launched himself with his back legs, rocketing into the air. He soared at a steep angle for a full thirty seconds before he eased off and took to lazily gliding over the town. It felt so good to be able to fly again. His right wing still stung at times, but it was worth it to once more feel the air break before it. He looked down as he banked to his right.

The blue-tiled roofs of the town below him shone in the morning sun, the streamers, banners, and innumerable colourful tents erected for the festival giving it an erratic splash of colour in the streets of the town. The pegasi had scheduled a conspicuous lack of clouds today, allowing Joachim to see clearly for miles in all directions. It never ceased to take his breath away, especially here on the coast: the endless blue shining sea stretching off into eternity, the waves rolling lazily over one another in the breeze, broken only by the occasional passing ship, the seemingly endless forests interrupted with sudden rudeness by farm clearances and flood valleys around the natural bend in the long-winding Klenderfeather River.

He lost himself in thought for a few minutes, enjoying the wind buffeting his frame as he glided on air, only occasionally flapping his wingspan to remain aloft. His gaze fell upon the mountain—the Lonely Nail it was called—and his thoughts turned back to his home in the east. He frowned, the joint in his wing ached, and he shook the thought from his head. He looked back down on the town and grimaced. His pack was still full of letters he needed to deliver. For the past few days since Warm had suggested the job, his usual shtick was to hang around the delivery office or just be seen walking about town with his hat on, letting people know he’d courier their goods.

Nope, not today. This morning he had showed up for work nice and early, only to have a bag full of letters dumped on him. Apparently, a bunch of anonymous letters with no return addresses was to be dispatched to over twenty ponies before lunchtime. Joachim had been putting them off, largely because he was not getting paid for any of the letter deliveries, payment already having been given to the delivery office. So he had taken a few jobs before he got around to it. He sighed and dove lazily.

“WATCH OUT!”

Joachim turned, wide-eyed, before getting a face full of pony feathers. He spun about in the air, panicking as he tried to veer to correct himself from the tumble he’d been sent into. He eventually righted himself before turning and shaking a clenched claw at the midnight-black pegasus who clearly had not been watching the sky too clearly. Griffons were kind of hard to miss after all. The pegasus didn’t even have the courtesy to look back after he had corrected his own flight path. Joachim’s anger suddenly drained as he realised his bag had been knocked off of him, along with his hat, and were now tumbling to the ground, trailing his letters. Joachim squawked in surprise and immediately dived after the letters. He only managed to snatch five of the letters out of the air before being forced to come to a skidding halt in the marketplace, startling several ponies who were busy setting up decorations and knocking over a cart which sent several heart-shaped decorations flying through the air. It took him a few minutes of apologizing and helping the elderly mare pick them all back up before he could save face and get out of there.

He looked at the paltry prize in his claws. Five out of twenty was a poor show. Now it was time to either suck it up and go ahead and deliver what letters he had or spend the rest of the day trying to find the rest of them in the mud and cobbles of Spurbay. He sighed, picking up his fallen delivery pouch in his beak. He shook it, hearing a satisfying jingle. ‘At least the pocket didn’t come loose.’ He tucked it under his wing safely. “Horseapples.” He swore under his breath as he walked through the town, looking at the first letter and taking a left at Hoofington Avenue to make his first delivery.

--=--

Bleary-eyed, Peach Marigold yawned as she entered the kitchen. “Morning…” She made her way to the cabinet to get a bowl as she lifted a box of grass flakes and a bottle of milk from the fridge over to the table.

“Morning~” her mother replied with a giggle. Peach’s ear twitched. This was not going to be good.

“You’re in a good mood this morning. What’s up?” Peach said, her eyes closed, her horn aglow as she poured the milk into the bowl.

“Oh nothing. Oh! A letter came for you this morning!” her mother said, turning away from her cleaning. The pink-maned mare had a wide smile on her face. Peach suddenly felt apprehensive. Looking around, there was indeed a letter on the table with her name on it. Pink with a red heart on the front. Peach’s mind stopped. The cream and orange-maned mare tentatively floated the letter over to her, opening it cautiously as if it might explode in her face.

Peach Marigold.

I know we haven’t known each other long, but I don’t know how else to confess my feelings to you without frightening you. That night at the welcome home party behind the Shady Bough, seeing you there, shy, too scared to talk to anyone without being close to your friends, my heart went out to you.

But you came out of your shell to dance and sing with everyone, and I couldn’t help but watch you. It’s so rare to see you with a smile on your face. I was inspired.

The embers of the flame raising upwards, your mane shining in the night, your eyes alive with laughter and song, I fell in love with you.

Although I am not ready to see you right now, I want you to know that, this Hearts and Hooves Day, somepony is thinking of you.

Yours faithfully,

-J

The letter fell softly to the floor as a slack-jawed Peach focused on making herself very small on her seat. Uncontrollable giggling could be heard from the sink where her mother beamed at her. “Well?” the elder mare enquired. “What was the letter about?”

“I-It… Ah.” Peach’s voice was as small as she felt. “W-Who sent it?” Peach asked. Her mother screwed her face upwards, tapping her chin with a hoof.

“I believe it was that young, griffon fellow—the one who lives at Welcome Sight’s inn.” She grinned mischievously at her daughter. “He showed up at the door and handed the letter, stating it was for you. Why? Know him?” Peach’s face blushed furiously. She never got out much, always preferring her own company no matter how much her parents protested that she should go out and meet ponies. As a result, she had only a hooffull of friends. She had been practically dragged kicking and screaming to the party and, admittedly to her surprise, found she enjoyed herself.

And now because of it, this happened. Peach didn’t say anything. Her mother squealed and nuzzled her daughter. “Now see? What did I tell you?” Peach had never had a Hearts and Hooves card before, never had a coltfriend, and never had the courage to follow up on any of her crushes. It had only reinforced her solitary nature, leading to all sorts of self-loathing and doubting which her mother exasperated herself to try to build her up and get her to go about with her life, but it had never been enough.

“J-Joachim?” she asked, not entirely sure what to think. She had met the terribly drunk griffon at the party. He had been in the middle of a juggling act while standing on a barrel, his wings tied to his sides to prevent ‘cheating’. She had never once thought…

She let a small smile grace her lips as she looked downwards.

--=--

His beak tore into the apple. It had taken him a while to comfortably eat an apple without having to wolf the whole thing wholesale, but he got used to biting into them with the side of his beak. He was enjoying his lunchtime, leaning against an empty stall, watching it for some stallion or other. He didn’t care to remember the name—it was five bits for standing around and he had no other deliveries to do yet, so why not? Not as if he was going to go back to the inn. Handy might actually ask him to help out!

He felt the coins in his carry pack. Not the best paying job, but it would foot the bill for Welcome’s kindness. He knew Handy felt the same way. No matter how much he hated that bartending job, he was in agreement with Joachim in paying Welcome back somehow, whether he wanted them to or not. The question was: what next? Spurbay was nice and all, but it wasn’t exactly where he felt he belonged, the friendliness of the town’s ponies notwithstanding of course. He’d have to move on soon, hit the road, and find another job ponies weren’t tough enough to handle.

He grimaced again. That meant going further around the border provinces of Equestria where there were more wild things and troubles. He could fault the ponies for a lot, but their magic was something he couldn’t dismiss. It was what kept the inner provinces lush and vibrant and prosperous, and why no other country gave the ponies any serious trouble. All other races had to seriously work to control magic to any extent, some even being forced to do outright witchcraft to achieve anything at all. Ponies? The stuff came naturally to all of them. The pegasi naturally ruled the skies and had such an acute affinity for weathercraft that it made other races look like they were fumbling about with hatchling’s blocks when it came to their own weather control. The earth ponies, easily the least versatile of the pony races, were the strongest, the magic in their bodies giving them bucks that could crack stone and the plants of the earth theirs to command and control. The unicorns spoke for themselves, with enough raw magical finesse at young ages to make dragon elders green with envy, mastering in a few short years what took dragons decades at the earliest to summon forth.

And the alicorns, well, that was another matter. Joachim supposed that, by some definitions, they were indeed gods. Certainly not invincible, but everything in this world could be destroyed, so why should gods be any different? He had been in Griffonia when news had broken of the failed changeling invasion and Celestia’s embarrassing defeat in personal combat. The ponies hadn’t seemed to be aware of it much, or if they had been, they hadn’t paid it much mind. Joachim finished off his apple before dumping the core in an open barrel nearby. No, by toughness Joachim didn’t mean their innate abilities. With rare exceptions, ponies were naturally creatures that took to flight well before they took to fight, meaning that outside of the Equestrian heartlands, there was always going to be something he could help somepony out with. Griffons were made of sterner stuff than them. True, he had run into the mine with more bravado than brains, but he certainly didn’t see any ponies run into that cave to see if their fellows were alright. Just him and the human, with second thoughts only to how to approach the problem, not questioning whether they actually were going to approach it.

He snorted. It was contemptible, but he supposed he couldn’t fault them. A diamond dog may be naturally strong and burly, but it didn’t mean it knew how to use that strength properly. He supposed unicorns were the same way with their powers. They were just ordinary ponies living ordinary lives. They had no idea how to handle a pack of diamond dogs overrunning their mine. It was not that he didn’t like ponies. They were alright, but—

“Hi there~”

Joachim turned at the voice, looking around. Nopony was talking to him.

“Up here, tall stuff.” Joachim looked up. A pink pegasus with a luscious purple mane and a cutie mark in the shape of a heart with a gold star in it was hovering a foot above him. The pony giggled. “You know, you only had to talk to me to get my attention,” Heartstruck said with half-lidded eyes. Joachim arched an eyebrow.

“I’m… sorry?” Joachim asked, confused. The pony giggled as she leaned closer. Joachim leaned back, now quite concerned.

“You don’t need to pretend anymore. I was surprised but I… don’t mind. I’d gladly be your special somepony,” she said wistfully. Joachim’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates. ‘Oh claw,’ he thought to himself. Glancing side to side, with the festival going on, he didn’t notice the heart-shaped decorations that were now terribly noticeable. ‘Think fast, flyboy!’

“I uh… I’m flattered, really I am,” Joachim said, sidling over to the centre of the street, claws behind his back. “B-But, I uh—”

“But?” Heartstruck queried, the blissful look on her face turning to one of concern.

“I’m not, I mean to say that is you’re a lovely pony and all, but I’m not…” He really was not ready for a relationship right now, particularly one that was coming out of the blue like this. “OH, LOOK AT THE TIME! GOTTA GO!” Joachim went off at a run and launched himself into the air.

“Hey wait!” he heard the pegasus shout after him, the five bits promised him by the stallkeeper forgotten. He glanced back and saw the pegasus flying after him. ‘What the Tartarus was that? Why is this mare trying to jump my wings?’ He dived and folded his wings as he landed in the streets and turned down an alley to lose the crazy pink mare.

“H-Hey! Wait! I’m sorry if I came on too strong!” he heard the mare call out, stopping and pressing himself against a wall as she flew overhead. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I just didn’t take you for the shy type!” Joachim stood stock still where he was as the crazy mare flew away, scanning the streets to find him. Passing ponies looked confusedly between him and Heartstruck.

‘Okay, what was that about?’ Joachim asked himself. Dredging his memory, the pony only vaguely registered. There were a lot of pink ponies in this town, he reasoned. He eventually detached from the wall and walked about town, keeping a careful eye on the sky. “Weird,” he said at last, dismissing the notion out of claw before carrying on, “I wonder if I can make it back to the stall in time bef— Oof!”

Joachim recoiled, having bumped into somepony. Looking down, he saw a cream-coloured, orange-maned mare with a flower cutie mark fall to the ground before him. Looking up at him, her eyes widened. “Oh, sh– Wow, I mean, sorry, I didn’t see you there. Here, let me help you up,” Joachim said, offering a claw to help the pony to her hooves. The pony just looked up at him, gawping. Joachim’s brow furrowed. “Are you ok, ma’am?” he asked.

“I-I’m… I mean, I got your… I mean, I– Uh.” Her timid voice almost cracked as her magenta eyes darted left and right. She slowly turned her gaze up to meet his as she helped herself up. She took a few trembling steps towards him. Joachim took a step back. “W-What I mean to say is, I-I know you said you weren’t ready. But what you said… about that night.” She kicked her hoof on the ground. Joachim’s eyes went wide.

‘Said!? Night?! Wait, was this about the parties? Did I do something?! What did I say!? Oh claw, I was so drunk the first night…’ He was thinking of something to say, his mouth trying to form something intelligent before he was suddenly hugged by the unicorn. Reason had left the building, ladies and gentlemen. Joachim was panicking.

“W-Wait!” he said, grabbing the mare by the shoulders and pushing her off of him. “I-I– I can’t– I you– I HAVE TO NOT BE HERE!”

“Wait!” Peach Marigold suddenly shouted, “Please don’t! You don’t frighten me. I jus–” Joachim had already bounded off down the street. “W-Wait! Come back! I didn’t mean to scare you!”

‘Claw, ponyfeathers, horseapples!’ Joachim swore in his head as he weaved around corner after corner. He could hear the mare galloping after him. Ponies were faster than most griffons on the ground. Sure, their back legs were powerful, but their front claws didn’t compliment them well enough when it came to long distance sprinting. He contemplated taking flight, and his wings, ever so slightly, parted from his side. That was before he saw a splash of pink in the blue sky above him, and they shut tight once more. ‘Not worth it.’

He skidded and crashed into several empty crates, failing to stop in time. He scrambled out of them, ignoring the complaints of some shopkeeper or other. He dived for another alleyway and emerged into a busy street in a tangle of streamers, ribbons and confetti, a consequence of his mishap with the crates. ‘I need to get back to the inn,’ he thought to himself. ‘I need to get somewhere safe.’

And with that, a pink blur crashed into his side and pinned him to the ground.

“Found you~”

--=--

And now for a delightful intermission. While all this was going on and everypony was busy with the matters of the heart, Handy found himself terminally bored. So much so that he had taken to playing a game on the counter to pass the time. He had gathered some shot glasses, so thick and sturdy they could drop to the floor without fear of breaking them, and stacked them on top of one another into three pyramids of ten glasses each. They were placed in a row, with their broad sides facing the farthest side of the counter. He had spaced them apart and slightly out of line to make it more interesting.

With the goals set, Handy sat himself at the far end of the counter from the shot glasses. Putting his face level with the edge of the counter, he eyed the goals. The object of the game was to knock the top shot glass off of the back pyramid without disturbing any of the other glasses. Hitting any of the other pyramids was a fail, and should he hit the target and it took a couple of other glasses with it, it was also a fail. Needlessly complicated but it passed the time. He even made sure there was a pillow on the floor to catch the glasses on the off chance they actually broke if they hit the floor.

With everything in place, he crumpled up the wet parchment and held it over a candle, drying it so that the pulp would retain its ball shape. He only used a little piece of parchment—too much made the ball too heavy, ensuring it wouldn’t travel far enough. He nodded, satisfied, and set to work. With an eye that pierced over the glassy peaks at his goal, he did the calculations in his head. Well, more like guesstimations. He placed the nail of his right index finger to the fingerprint of his thumb and positioned it behind the ball, which was sitting mounted atop another shot glass. For a full half hour he sat there, getting the shot just right. He had failed too many times before. Now, however, he was ready, now he had learned from his mistakes, now he would decapitate the vile glassy tyrant who sat upon his mountain peak mocking the mighty hero!

His finger let it fly, and the ball of pulp flew through the air, soaring majestically in defiance of the glass tyrant’s mountainy minions who could but sit still in terror and awe of the flying parchment wrecking ball of justice. With the inevitability of entropy, the ball hit the tip of the top glass of the back pile of utensils of inebriation. The ball bounced and went off to the side, falling beneath the counter as the top glass achingly leaned back, threatening to fall. Handy leaned closer, eyes narrowing. ‘Come on, you rotten bastard,’ he thought at it. ‘Make my day!’

The glass dropped, and the room became deathly quiet.

And then, thusly, did the Handy roar mightily in triumph. However, it was soon stifled as he noticed something else. The second row of the back shot glasses, just underneath the former seat of the fallen tyrant, were moving… ever… so... slightly.

“Ohhhhh no you don’t,” Handy warned, getting up slightly from his seated position, afraid to move too quickly.

Ever…

“Don’t.”

So…

“Don’t even think about it, yais sons a—!”

Slightly…

“MOTHERFUCKER, I WILL END YOU!”

And with a calamitous crash that caused Handy to wince, the entire back pyramid of shot glasses fell atop themselves. Cushion or no, the glasses broke, leaving Handy with some cleaning and eventual explaining to do. The human sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Bollocks.”

--=--

Meanwhile, Joachim burst into Justin Thyme’s store. Closing the door behind him, he pressed against it, panting, wild panicking eyes glancing about for a hiding place.

“Hello, can I help yo—” a red earth pony with a clock cutie mark began.

“You!” Joachim pointed at the store pony who was taken quite aback, glasses slightly askew as his green pupils shrunk a bit. Joachim rushed over and placed his claws on the counter. “I need your help!”

“M-My help?”

“Yes, hide me!”

“From wha—” The handle of the door could be heard turning. Joachim pushed Justin aside as he dived behind the counter. “What is the meaning… of… uh.” Justin’s voice caught in his throat. Peach Marigold entered the store, craning her neck as if looking for something. Justin couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t have figured it out, could she? He wasn’t ready for this.

“Excuse me.”

His heart fluttered. “Yes?” His voice cracked, and he coughed. “I mean, yes? H-How can I help you today?”

“Oh, I was just wondering if you saw a griffon come through here today.”

“A griffon?” Justin blinked, his eyes darting to the cowering aquiline behind his counter before immediately darting back up to meet Peach’s gaze.

“Oh yes, you see it uh… it’s quite embarrassing actually,” she said, biting her lower lip. “He uh… Well, you know what day it is, and he delivered me a letter… Hehe, poor thing wasn’t ready to talk to me in person yet, but he wanted to express himself in a letter, signed only with the first letter of his name. Well, I met him there in the streets, and I’m afraid I may have scared him off.”

Justin’s world ended.

“….Really?” he asked through gritted teeth. Peach didn’t seem to notice.

“Oh yes, I mean it’s all quite silly. I just wanted to apologize to him and to let him know its okay, we can take our time.”

“Really…,” Justin said, his eyes slowly drawn to the cowering griffon with his claws over his head. “No… I have not seen him this day,” he managed to strain out. Peach sighed.

“Oh well, thank you anyway, Justin.”

Justin’s ears perked up. She knew his name? Peach left the shop. As the door shut behind her, he grabbed Joachim. “Delivered a letter huh!?” he shouted. Joachim’s eyes rolled at the sudden elevation as the earth pony pinned him to a wall. “Signed it with the first letter of your name huh!? Not ready to say it to her face huh!?”

“W-What!?”

“There I was, pouring out my heart, and you go ahead and say it was you!”

“What are you talking about!?”

“There you are!” a green mare with an even darker hued mane shouted excitedly from the door to the shop.

“Gotta go!” Joachim said, pushing Justin away from him as he jumped over him and bounded into the back room and out the door he found there.

“Hey I’m not done wi-fffffffffffffft!” Justin began but was flattened by the stampede of five mares who clambered to get at the griffon.

--=--

Warm Night was having the best day of his life.

There he was with the mare of his dreams, having a romantic dinner together in the house he rented. Happy Hour had responded better than he could’ve hoped when he finally confessed his feeling for her. It was almost too good to be true, but it was, and he was left dizzy at the prospect.

He had excused himself as he went to the bathroom. The meal had long since finished, and they had been chatting together for some time on his couch. Finishing up, he made his way to walk down the hallway back to the living room, Warm humming a jaunty tune when he heard rustling in the bushes just outside the hall window. Curious, he opened the window further and poked his head out. He was looking down on what looked like a ball of white feathers sticking out of his bushes with a grey protrusion from its side. “What in the—”

Joachim looked up in surprise. “Warm!?”

“Joachim?!” he said, louder than he would’ve liked. “What are you DOING here?” he said in a lower voice. He could hear Happy singing softly to herself from down the hall.

“I need your help!” Joachim said, reaching up to grab the window sill and pushing Warm aside so he could climb in. Warm pushed back.

“Woah, hang on a minute! Stop!” he hissed.

“But I really need to hide!”

“Why!?” Warm said. “What did you DO!?”

“Warm, dear, is everything alright down there?” Happy asked.

“Uh, yeah! Just stubbed my hoof fixing a floorboard, that’s all,” he said before turning back to Joachim, struggling with the griffon to try to keep him from climbing in. “Joach, I’m kinda in the middle of something here,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Come on man, be a pal!”

“Warm?”

“Coming!” Warm said as he magicked Joachim out and shut the window. Joachim fell back to the bushes with an ‘oof’

“Nice buddy, real nice,” Joachim whined as he pulled himself out of the bush, leaves and sticks complimenting the wild assortment of streamers, ripped banners, torn paper hearts, and ribbons that covered the griffon. He looked about, trying to judge the distance to the Shady Bough. He had yet to make any appreciable distance before he got tackled to the ground by another crazy mare, barely making it out from underneath them before another one nearly caught him. He had five of the ponies after him now. What in the hell did he even do? Why now? Was there just something about this holiday that sent ponies mad? A few stallions had accosted him, babbling something about ‘stealing their mares’ or something along those lines.

He was terribly confused. He could see the Shady Bough from his elevated position. If he flew, he could probably make it there in time. Looking around, he saw two of the pegasi that had been following him searching the ground eagerly. He already knew he couldn’t outrun any of them on the ground. He turned back to the Bough, grinding his teeth as he weighed his options.

“Buck it,” he said finally, unfurling his wings.

--=--

Handy hummed dejectedly to himself, wiping the inside of a tankard clean with a rather overused cloth if he were to admit it. The broken glass had been cleaned from before. He sighed. He almost wished someone came in right now. It would really alleviate the bor—

And a very distressed, very colourful Joachim threw open the door with a kick as he threw himself down at Handy’s feet.

“HEEEEEELP!!” Joachim shouted.

“Wh—” Handy began.

“No!”

“Bu—”

“NOPE!”

“I—”

“Explanations later, help now!” Joachim shouted as he placed his delivery pouch on the counter. “Twenty bits! Right here, right now! Just hide me!” Handy looked at the bag and opened it. Indeed there were twenty bits in the inside pocket. He looked back up at the desperate eagle face before him. He clicked his tongue against his teeth in contemplation. He fumbled in the pocket of his robe and pulled out a small rusted key.

“My shed out back, you can hide there,” Handy said as he took the bag. Joachim gratefully snatched the key.

“Thanks! You’re a good friend, Handy.” Joachim beamed as he rushed into the kitchen and out the back door with the entirely useless key Handy had given him. His shed didn’t even have a lock—its door just opened and closed, for it was a shed.

“Any time,” Handy said, idly counting the bits from the bag as his next patrons arrived through the thoroughly abused front door.

“Excuse me!” a panting green pegasus said, apparently having ran a marathon. “Did you see a griffon go past?”

“A griffon?” Handy asked, arching an eyebrow. Now this was interesting.

“Yes!” another mare said, a yellow earth pony this time, pushing the green one to one side as she beamed at him. “Did you see my dear?” The green mare snarled at her.

“YOUR dear?”

“Oh don’t you start!”

“Ladies, please, I don’t know what your business is with him, but clearly the poor colt’s just shy. I think I may have given him the vapours,” the pink pegasus who had just landed said confidently as all three of them entered, bickering as they slowly inched towards the counter.

“Excuse me,” a voice meekly said. Handy looked down, surprised to see a cream unicorn sitting across the counter from him, distracted as he was by the pony fight occurring before him. “I’d really appreciate it if you could tell us where he went,” she said, worry in her eyes. “He did get hurt when I scared him off. I saw him fly this way.”

“Then why don’t you go away! Stop scaring him off!” one of the ponies shouted at the cream one, who turned and huffed, scrunching up her face.

'Joachim, Joachim, Joachim…’ Handy thought, trying very hard not to break his poker face and smile. ‘Just what have you gotten yourself into?’

“Hmm, white griffon, grey head, yea high, silvery back feathers around red eyes and over his wings, grey beak?” Handy said, teasing the ponies before him.

“Yes!” one said. “That’s the stallion!” another said. Handy let out a thoughtful ‘hmmm’ before answering.

“Can’t say I h—” Handy stopped himself. Here was a herd of mares chasing after Joachim for, well, he didn’t rightly know. The same griffon who had been, for days, teasing him about being a ‘prude’ regarding his desire to wear clothes constantly. Now Casanova here apparently couldn’t face the consequences of whatever he had done to get these five ponies practically begging to jump him, even fighting each other over him. He crossed his arms on the counter as he leaned down, idly glancing at the bits Joachim had given him. ‘Well… I could use a laugh at his expense.’ He stood back up and jerked a thumb pointing at the kitchen behind him. “Out back, you’ll find a shed. The door will be closed, but it hasn’t got a lock. He’s hiding there. Have fun, ladies.”

Handy just barely got out of the way as the ponies stampeded behind him. He turned back to his busywork, waiting… Just waiting…

“HAAAAAAANNNNNDYYYYYYYYY!”

And so did Handy laugh. Mighty and vigorous was the thunder that rumbled from his chest to the vital chords of his throat, and melodious was its darkened mirth. He was wiping his eyes when another pony shattered his sanctum. The red earth pony’s chest was heaving, his brown mane a mess, and his glasses looked like they had cracked a lens.

“Have… you seen… a cream… mare go through here?” the pony heaved, his voice strained, gaze narrow.

‘What in the he—’ Handy thought before putting two and two together. A distressed-looking Joachim, a herd of desperate fillies hot on his trail, an angry stallion not soon after, and probably more of them on the way. It seemed like Handy’s application of the title of Casanova to Joachim was apparently well deduced. Either that or he was wildly misinterpreting the situation, because it looked like his feathery friend was quite the womaniser, and it was all catching up with him at once. He scowled in disapproval.

He could tell the stallion where to find Joachim, but he had already sent enough punishment his way with the mares. He looked up at the clock, thinking. The guy who was supposed to deliver his fucks today hadn’t shown up, and his storehouse was running awfully low. Winter was coming. He looked back down at the stallion before him. Had he enough fucks to give in order to spare Joachim from a beating?

No, he decided, no he didn’t.

“Out back with yer woman, I’d imagine,” Handy said and deadpanned. The look on the pony’s face could’ve killed a Russian. The pony stormed off out the door and yelled as he circled the inn to get out back. A very surprised Welcome Sight trotted in just after he left. He looked back out the door and then back at Handy.

“What was that about? Welcome asked, confused. Handy shrugged.

“Don’t rightly know,” Handy lied, suppressing a smile under a mask of boredom. Inside he was crying, dying to laugh. “Where’ve you been all day, boss?” Handy asked.

“Dentist,” Welcome said, smiling.

--=--

It all got sorted out by the end of the day. You know, after Joachim got a few bruises and verbal chewing outs for his trouble. The mares were all quite embarrassed at their behaviour when they learned that Joachim was not their secret admirer but rather the mailman. It all culminated in an awkward moment where a very confused and embarrassed Peach Marigold had the story set straight to her by Justin Thyme about the letter. That was an awkward confession of love to witness, or so Handy was told. He had stayed right where he was while the ponies and the thoroughly defeated and exhausted griffon had sorted things out.

Joachim was none too pleased at Handy’s treachery, but it was all worth it in the end, even if Handy had to pay back the twenty bits Joachim had given him and help him pull the innumerable detritus out of his wings that he had gathered during the day’s shenanigans. Handy had it explained to him that it was Hearts and Hooves Day, which apparently explained the ponies’ erratic behaviour. When he was asked if humans had a similar holiday back where he came from, he was at a loss for what to say. What should he tell them? That they did and it was originally a religious feast day celebrating a Christian martyr who was imprisoned and executed for trying to convert the Roman Emperor of the week, but not before he fell in love with the daughter of the warden? Thus the day the Church moved it to as part of its ongoing process of converting an entire continent became associated with romance and celebrating lovers? That had since became a sickening Hallmark holiday of cynicism and disgusting consumerism? Like all of their other holidays?

Much like the issue with his clothes, he shrugged it off dismissively, saying humans didn’t have a day dedicated just to romance, but rather romantic notions were attached to all holidays, which was at least half true.

“So you’re leaving then?” Welcome Sight asked sadly from behind the counter, though he still wore that warm smile of his. Handy tapped the floor with his new boots. They were rubber, or at least something close to rubber, with metal shod soles. It felt so good to actually get something solid around his feet again.

“Yeah,” he answered, shrugging the bag over his shoulder as he gripped a long thick staff he had cut for him. The inn was alive with customers, not as busy as the first week of the festival but still busy enough. Apparently it had gotten a bit of a reputation around town since the rather enthusiastic celebrations Welcome had kicked off. Handy was confident Welcome wouldn’t worry about business for some time afterwards because of it. He and Joachim had stayed there for two more weeks before deciding it was time to move on, saving up money for supplies and to finally pay Welcome back for all his kindness. Welcome refused of course, so they paid him back anyway. Joachim had paid for decorators to give the place a brief once over, and Handy had bought beds.

Sure, they were discounted because they were the wrong delivery to the store, but they were big, and Handy had bought three of them for the guest rooms. Welcome had been away on a trip while they got the place fixed up for him. By the time they were finished and Welcome stopped gawping at his shiny newly refurbished establishment, they had barely a hundred bits betwixt them.

“It’s been fun, Welcome, and thank you for everything,” Handy said, smiling. ‘Although baldness on a pony is kind of creepy, you’re an alright guy,’ he thought as he raised his hand to shake Welcome’s hoof. The elder pony reached up to take his hand before suddenly pulling him forward in a hug. Handy, thoroughly surprised, could do naught but tap the pony on the back. “A-heh, I’ll miss you too, man…”

“Thank you for bringing back my boy,” Welcome whispered as he let the human go. Handy was unsure of what to say. Joachim piped up as he pushed his way through the crowd.

“Ready?” Joachim asked. Handy snapped out of it as he turned to the griffon.

“Remind me again why we’re traveling at night?” Handy asked quite seriously.

“First off, buck you. Secondly, the pegasi have scheduled heavy rain tomorrow. I want to get a head start before the storm front hits.” Handy snorted, still not believing that the ponies literally controlled the weather.

“Whatever you say, birdbrain. Yeah I’m ready.” He turned back to Welcome as he saw Warm night step out of the kitchen. “You holding up okay there?” Handy asked, smiling. Warm returned it.

“We’ll be okay. I’ve decided to work here with my dad. Happy’s coming too to help out. Neither of us like the idea of going to the mines again.”

“She move in yet?” Joachim teased. Warm blushed.

“I– uh, that is….”

“Yes,” a warm voice answered as Happy came out of the kitchen and nuzzled Warm.

Joachim sniggered. Handy missed the entire exchange, distracted as he was by a card game in the corner that looked like it was flaring tempers. Time to go. “It’s been great seeing yais, and thanks again for everything,” he said, tipping his head. Handy tapped Joachim on the shoulder and gestured to the door with his head. Joachim nodded, and they made their way through the tavern patrons.

“You come back sometime, you hear that?” Welcome shouted over the crowd. “You’re always welcome at our door for free, and I won’t take no for an answer! You hear?” Handy and Joachim smiled wryly at that as they left the tavern. The door closed behind them, and they heard something smash, voices raised, and a table being overturned. Joachim turned.

“Keeeeep walking,” Handy said, not turning.

“But—”

“Juuuust keep walking…”

--=--

Cresting the rise of the hill, they stopped to look back at Spurbay. It was peaceful but shone brilliantly in the night as festival fires and lanterns lit up the streets gloriously, its brilliance contrasting sharply with the sombre elegance of the moonlight.

“So where to?” Handy asked after a minute of contemplation. He resigned himself internally that this world was mad and impossible… but he was stuck here for the time being. Time to at least pretend to play along nicely.

“Well, I was thinking something easier this time,” Joachim said, pulling a map of the Eastern Equestrian coastline out from his packbag. He traced a claw. “I heard there’s a merchant caravan in a hamlet a few miles away looking to hire some extra hoofs for protection and general duties.

“Well I am the handyman,” Handy joked. Joachim looked up in confusion. Handy shook his head. “Never mind. What’s the pay?”

“Don’t rightly know. I guess we’ll find out when we get there. You good?”

“I’m good.” Handy nodded. “Lead the way,” Handy said before stopping. He was shaking.

"You okay there?" Joachim asked, concerned.

"Yeah... Yeah I'm good," Handy said, laughing softly. "I just thought of a joke is all."

"Yeah?" Joachim asked. "What is it?"

"Happy Hour at the Shady Bough is a Welcome Sight on a Warm Night," Handy said, chuckling. Joachim rolled his eyes.

--=--

She had only recently become aware of the exact location of the disturbance. It was a subtle thing, easily overlooked. Had she not been meditating that very night, she might have missed its essence altogether. For weeks she had scoured Equestria, trying to determine what it was she had sensed. Always quiet, not wanting to alert her sister if it could be avoided. It wasn’t the Nightmare—she could taste the difference—but that only raised more questions.

She was now walking through the dreams of the ponies of a small harbour town in the shadow of a mountain. The disturbance had originated here, so she decided to investigate. What she found was the usual affair: pleasant dreams, dreams with no meaning, dreams of things lost and ambitions sought, of fears, follies, and victories. However, there was nothing that would be considered wrong or out of place. Everything was in harmony in the town of Spurbay.

Her night form travelled into the mountain nearby, exploring the caves and the crevices and the crushed mine at its base. Eventually she found the hallway. Her horn glowed and illuminated the path before her. The path was cut with rough tools, unskilled, but applied with determination. The pillars that held the roof up were simple yet strong. The walls were unadorned, neither with decoration nor carving. It was the only structure of its ilk in the entirety of the mountain, and it was completely out of place.

Traveling to its end, its other having led to a caved in entrance and leading to no further illumination of the mystery of her quarry, she came upon the room of starlit gems. It was a simple domed room, its surface cut with the same determination and care of the walls in the hallway. The gems at her hooves, innumerable in their multitude and brilliant in their glory of the reflected light from her horn, shone beneath the ripples of the sharply cool water.

It didn’t take her long to notice the plinth that rose out of the centre of the room’s floor of gemstones. Blue marble with white veins, it was a simple affair with little adornment or oddities beyond its smoothness. She tapped it with her crystal-shod hoof. Nothing. She tapped her horn to it and focused her magic, trying to sense anything. Something of great power once sat here, something important for a very, very long time. She cast her sight all over the room, searching for anything that could have been the object that sat upon this plinth. She could sense magic in the room, but it was faint, residual, barely above the atmospheric levels that filled the very air around her

There was nothing, nothing but stone walls, water, and gem strewn on the floor.

And an extinguished torch which bumped against her leg.

Author's Note:

Aaaaand we're done with the Spurbay arc.

I must say, I am pleased people seem to be reacting positively to this story thus far, however if any of you have any suggestions to improve upon it, please, let me know.

If anyone's upset that I am leaving Welcome, Warm and the others behind, well, I'm sorry about that. But this is an adventure story, with emphasis on the adventure part. Handy is meant to experience the consequences of his actions, that of choosing the path less travelled by HIE stories, which is that of fucking off and getting lost.

As such, there will be entire chapters dedicating to singular adventures not related to the overall plot, as well as vignettes and intervals for the sake of characterisation rather then overall progression. Handy appears in places and things happen, how could it be otherwise?

Now I have decided I can use this to justify spotlighting the less famous characters of the show, such as Flim and Flam who will appear later in this story, for better or for ill. This is not to say the main cast will not be rearing their pony heads, they just aren't important.

Well not yet anyway, depends on which direction this fic goes.

If any of you have anything in particular you want me to throw Handy's way, don't be afraid to shout, I'll see what I can do. He's a free domain character, and as such God help him when I start taking peoples' suggestions on how to torment him.

PreviousChapters Next