Chapter 14 - A Quiet Moment.
Handy woke up in an incredibly foul mood. His head was pounding something awful and he turned irritably in his, yet again, too small cot to see the errant claw of some griffon or other in the bunk above him lying over the side near where he had been resting his head. He gave the bunk above him a tremendous kick, launching the bird from his slumber and onto the floor. He chewed out the unfortunate guard good and proper about the correct bunkroom etiquette of not kicking the guy sleeping beneath you in your sleep.
He stumbled over to his rota after reaffixing his helmet and putting his cloak and cuirass back on, having slept in his mail and wrapped a portion of his cloak about his neck. Hey, you can’t blame him for being too careful, did you SEE this castle at night? Its crawling with night ponies, Thestrals, vamphorses, whatever one felt like calling them. Fucking bats.
The day, or rather night for Handy, having woken up close to six in the evening in preparation for night shift duties. Apparently, his absence had been noted in passing by one of the princesses during a rare moment of tactful, polite and respectful conversation during breakfast, or so Joachim had told him during a recess when he arrived to take over the shift of one of the other knights. The deliberations had been going on all day, literally hours on end, thankfully there had been no passionate explosions of diplomatic folly such as the previous day’s dinner, Johan had looked worse for wear, utterly exhausted and glad to talk to someone who clearly did not give a flying fuck about the affairs in question.
Handy dropped his airs for the sake of talking to the bird normally, well, normal for talking to Joachim that is. The king appreciated the gesture and proceeded to engage in polite conversation about literally anything and everything else, if it meant Handy could take a break from talking like a royal page in Henry Tudor’s court for once he was all for indulging the bird in his exasperating venting.
“-You know, I’d call the ponies of Canterlot supercilious but I’ve been to Old Mount, so I’ll be kind and just describe them as having a particularly long Gerilck stick shoved up their backsides, I mean, how else could the keep their heads upturned all day like that? Look at them!”
Handy had snorted at that, then coughed to try to hide the laugh. For your reference, Gerlick is a stick using sport performed by pegasi and griffons on frozen clouds, basically sky hockey if hockey were played like hurly. Handy was entirely in approval of the violent sport and referenced the similarity between it and two sports humans played. It was then that Joachim had asked about the meeting with Princess Twilight.
“So spill, what exactly did you do to the little one?” He asked. Handy looked at him.
“Do? I didn’t do anything.”
“Luna was asking about your whereabouts at breakfast, there was a curious look on Celestia’s face when she enquired.”
“Ah, right, I see they’ve already had a look over Twilight’s notes.”
“Notes?”
“Joachim, I was in that room with her for hours. She took a lot of notes about what I said and I know she would’ve kept me there all night grilling me for more information had I let her. I certainly had more to say.”
“What did you tell her?”
“Oh you know, this and that.”
“And the little secret?”
“Hey, if it makes the ponies feel more awkward that their own batty pals couldn’t keep their fangs to themselves, I don’t see a reason to keep it a secret from them.” Handy said, Joachim had frowned at that.
“That could prove difficult, couldn’t you have kept that under wraps?”
“Our fella, what was there to keep under wraps? The princesses know I bit a pony already, now they know why, and it’s their fault. Sides, half of the people who’ve actually met me already suspect the truth, most of the rest consider it a possibility with some credence and the rest… Well, lets just say ponies gossip like they’ve got nothing better to do. I have so many Goddamn rumours floating around I might as well try to dispel some of the unsavoury ones.”
“And being a blood sucker is not unsavoury?”
“…Ok I’ll be honest… I just felt like fucking with her head. I spent so long in the interview dispelling some of the rumours about me, I felt like confirming one by way of compromise to throw her for a loop. Keep the ponies guessing. Also her reactions were priceless, I didn’t know ponies could blush that hard.”
“All-maker, what did you say to her?”
“A lot of things, it’s not my fault she doesn’t get out more.”
“You’re one to talk because neither do you, at least not when you can get away with it.”
“I like my privacy.”
“Privacy is one thing, getting people flustered is something else. I never seen you treating anygriffon like that before, why did you do it to her?”
“Oh come on, I just messing around. Aleksy dearest put me on the spot, so I figured I might as well have some fun with it.” ‘I was just curious how close I could get to her neck before anything bad happened, vampirish dickery you know, but I am certainly not telling you that.’
“Uh-huh,” Joachim said deadpanned, clearly not entirely sold, it always amused Handy how hard it was to convince Joachim of something, either he’s just extraordinarily perceptive or just more cynical than most. The bird looked up at the sky, the sun was getting awfully low towards the horizon, he sighed. “Well, back to the grindstone, Celestia mentioned a change to Equestria’s tariffs, Thunderstorm is running her through the ringers on the particulars, a bloody diplomatic dragnet and the rest of us are getting caught up in it, its going to be a late one.”
“Joy of joys, let me put on my happy face.” Handy sighed.
“You’re wearing a helmet.”
“Like I said, my happy face.”
--=--
Handy was not wearing his happy face.
The hall was sweltering, the diplomatic talks had gone into hardball territory. Thankfully it lacked the bellicosity of the previous day’s talks. A brief chat with a rather senior looking knight in the High King’s contingent proved illuminating in this regard. Apparently this was par for the course, the childish squabbling that started off the talks between Griffon and Pony rulers often calmed down, in tone if not in spirit as both sides often used hardball tactics to get the other to concede on some of the pettiest points of contention. Celestia’s tactic of causing the ambient temperature of the room to heighten while retaining the moisture caused an incredibly clammy and humid, not to mention uncomfortable experience. It was apparently old hat too, she was known for this.
The griffons were visibly uncomfortable but they coped through it with a bloody mindedness Handy approved of, still cursed them for their stupidity, but approved in the long run. High King’s Aleksy still had that damn smile of his. He was surprised to learn that this kind of immaturity only occurred between the dealings of these two kingdoms and was considered something of a geopolitical joke in the wider international community, like how Russians are as welcoming and loveable as drunken bears, or how America’s a free country. It had something to do with how the two countries had fierce wars earlier in their history and the ‘tradition’ of difficult negotiation over splitting hairs was the result of some kind of fantasy cold war that has long since thawed out into reasonably warm relations.
How long has it been like this? One thousand fucking years. So yeah, an old joke. The knight had mentioned off hand that Celestia was often like this during such meetings throughout that time and that Griffonian High Kings had an entire year’s worth of their education dedicated to just dealing with pony princesses without losing their royal shit and lashing out. Princess Luna was a new addition however, and considered something of a wild card, but Aleksy seemed to be coping. Handy had scoffed lightly. Really? The ponies had called their rulers Celestia for one thousand straight years? He had thought France was ridiculous with its Louis and the Church a bit too fond of the name Benedict but hot damn, ponies don’t fuck around with regal naming, probably got rid of the tradition of regal numerals altogether because they were getting too high as far as the human knew.
That knowledge, however, was no comfort. He had taken off his helmet and thrown back his hood, trying not to breath too heavy as the sweat poured down his face. The other knights and pony guards had taking to leaning against the walls or even sitting down on the floor, the dignitaries at the table and the attendant servants not making a fuss about the lack of professionalism in this instance, a silent, collective agreement of ‘fuck decorum’ having been put into effect. Handy had lasted longer than most of his fellows before running out of all the professional, weapons grade fucks he had to give.
He was wearing his cloak and armour and standing under several burning torches. Granted they were very fancy torches attached to the walls with delicate and equally fancy metal sconces but holy shit did they burn bright and furiously. You’d think the dampness of the air would lessen it right? Handy thought so. Handy was wrong. Several heads turned when he took off his helmet, evidently curious as to what he looked like without it on, he couldn’t give a shit by that point and let them look away.
It had went on like this for the next three days, they had sorted out the specifics of all of their current trading negotiations, came to reasonable consensus on change of local and national laws which affected each other’s revenue and even made arrangements for new treaties and deals which would increase the prosperity of both kingdoms and everything was sunshine and fucking rainbows. Literally, there had been rainbows all day, minus rain and Handy couldn’t for the life of him figure out why until he eventually shrugged saying, “Fuck it, probably pegasi or some shit.” So, you’d think he’d be happy right? He managed to avoid getting neck’d by the Thestrals in the castle or being nuked by the magical princesses and Twilight had not bothered him again. As he thought of it, the purple pony had been keeping her distance, while occasionally stealing glances from under Celestia’s wing so to speak, he must’ve frightened her more than he had intended. It didn’t help that he swore he was being followed at times by a green eyed Thestral, probably a spy the sisters sent.
However, no, Handy was not Happy, Handy was incredibly foul of mood and temperament, getting worse the longer he stayed in the castle. Long nights standing guard in humid drawing rooms and nervous checking of every shadow during his nightly rounds in the guest wing coupled with waking up every, God damn, morning with a thunderous headache which only seemed to be getting worse each day tends not to do any favours for one’s mood. It was all he could do, to not lash out at some poor bastard, so he avoided all conversation. It was the final night of negotiations, allowing for two days for the visiting delegation to relax and enjoy the city before returning home. Handy for one could not wait, having grown incredibly tired of the glares of the ponies and the odd looks from the princesses.
It was the final night of deliberations, clarifying final points as the representatives and the princesses finished their meals. Also it was still humid because if you’ve been childish this long, might as well finish what you started right? It was all good otherwise, however, ponies and griffons had calmed down. No more shouting, no more snide remarks and backhanded compliments, no more of the fuckery of diplomatic, feather encrusted horse dung that had haunted the talks and made Handy’s life that much more unbearable. Goldtooth, the king of Firthingart? Yeah, he’s now rightfully earned his place pretty fucking high on Handy’s shitlist because of his interminable ramblings and constant complaints.
“And… I believe that’s all we need to discuss. Anything else?” Celestia’s beatific smile showed no sign of the strain she no doubt had to be experiencing. There was a general murmur from the gathered kings before Alesky spoke up.
“I believe that is all we have to bring to the table, our thanks for your most gracious hospitality and understanding in these affairs.” He beamed.
’There is a God… Thank fuck this is all over…’ Handy thought, allowing himself an exasperated sigh. Luna was looking at him out of the corner of his eye. Again. He had gotten used to all the evil glances she had been sending his way but even so, it was still grating on his nerves. The royals got up from their places at the table and chatted amiably with eachother as if that week of hell had never happened, the humidity, finally, relenting and something resembling a sane temperature returned to the room. Handy stood back to attention, looking over to Joachim to see if he was ready to lea- Nope. Luna was engaging him in conversation as the High king and the king of the Hebridean isles traded some last minute pleasantries while Goldtooth and his contingent left the room. And he had been looking forward to getting out of there too.
His head turned back to its normal position as he sighed. It was then that Handy regretted the one universal problem of wearing a full face helm, a severely restricted peripheral vision. As he turned he noticed a strand of multihued hair, floating on a breeze all of its own just in front of him. The human started visibly, only just noticing the Alicorn standing beside him. How in the hell does something like her sneak up on anyone!? “Uh, uhm, can I help thee, Majesty?” He blurted as he took a step back in surprise.
The princess of the sun regarded the human curiously. She was definitely taller than Chrysalis, matching Handy’s own height if you discounted her horn length, perhaps a shave taller. She looked at him for an uncomfortable moment before finally speaking. “May I speak with you, Sir Handy?” She asked. Shit. Handy turned back to Joachim, still distracted talking to the other princess, damn it, he turned back to Celestia.
“I would of course grant thy request, majesty, but I must be ready to attend to my lord.” He said hopefully. She smiled. He frowned.
“I respect your diligence, but your king is plenty safe right now.” Oh no, he was prepared for that, sh- “Besides, I only wished to hear about your exploits from yourself, I do so enjoy stories.” Well, ok that’s harde- “And I wish to apologize to you personally for the trouble we put you through.” Uhm. “It will only take a minute, please, if you would be so kind to indulge a tired mare’s curiosity.” God damn woman, he can’t really back out of that without causing a scene. He felt eyes upon him, damnit.
“… Of course, Majesty.” He relented, gritting his teeth. He bowed his head slightly as she beamed at him. He followed the solar princess through a pair of double doors at one end of the hall, casting one look over his shoulder at a rather surprised looking Joachim. There were rather a lot of day guards down the corridor they took, they were up late he noted, but he preferred them to the Thestrals. He was ushered into a surprisingly plain looking room. It was well lit with a collection of large cushions in the centre and the curtains were drawn on the full wall length window. Handy had to surrender his weapon and shield, an understandable precaution given the princess had no guards in the room with her. Well, someone’s certainly confident. Handy knew better then to be cocky however, you could feel the magic coming from this pony, she was clearly not to be fucked with.
Celestia walked over to the window before turning to face the human. He felt awkward standing there as the door closed just behind him. There was nowhere to sit afterall and the Princess was just… studying him, he felt like coughing to try to push the conversation along but thought better of it. After what felt like an age the princess walked over to him, stopping a mere foot from him before her horn lit up an-
“Water?” She asked with a smile. Handy almost faltered. A cup of water levitated before him, where in the hell did she get that? He realised he was just standing there before he reacted.
“Uhm, Yes. My thanks, majesty.” Handy said reaching for the cup. He then realised in order to actually drink it, he’d need to take off his helm. He tapped his finger on the cup for a moment before deciding to do just that. ’Ok, I’m impressed princess, very clever.’ He thought, removing his helmet and hood, therefore removing whatever psychological advantage he had in robbing the princess of seeing the expressions on his face. He held the helmet in the crook of his arm and drank, it was actually incredibly delicious and refreshing, especially after those final few hours in that hotbox of a dining hall.
He drained the cup before looking back at the princess who was now reclining across the large pillows. “Please, have a seat.” She said politely. Handy looked to his right and left. There was nothing for him to sit on, he looked back and saw only the gentle smile gracing the features of the sun princess. He looked down at the floor and, with as much grace and dignity as he could in full armour, he lowered to the floor. He’d normally sit cross legged but that really wasn’t an option in those greaves, so he had to sit with his knees up to his chest, forcing him to put his helmet on the floor beside him and left Celestia looking down at him.
He fumed. The position made him feel awkward and lanky, which is a feeling he was often reminded of during daily life nowadays but he preferred not to experience it when he could help it. ’Ok Celestia out with it.’ He thought. ’The condemnations, the “How dare you bite one of my little ponies, oh my!”, the-‘
“I want you know that from the very depths of my heart, and that of my sister, we are sorry for what we have done to you.” She said solemnly. Handy blinked in surprise. He honestly had not expected an apology of any sort. “However.” She continued, more sternly this time. “We cannot overlook your previous transgressions, even with the pardon.” Ah, there we go.
“Forgive me, majesty.” Handy began. “Bu-”
“I am not referring to the petty indiscretion in the west or your assault of my guards.” She said. “Well, Luna’s guards to be precise.” She added. Handy tried not to frown at the interruption. “I am referring to your alliance with the Queen of the Changelings.”
“Alliance?”
“What would you call it?”
“Almost killing her.” Handy admitted. Celestia blinked rapidly. She recomposed herself and lowered her gaze for a moment before speaking again.
“It appears I do not fully understand your relationship with the changelings.”
’Gee, who’d a thunk?’ ”I believe that would be fair to say, majesty.” He said in response.
“Very well then,” Celestia said, levitating a letter from under a wing and reading it over once more before turning looking back at the human, her head not turning from the page. “I will be honest, I cannot let you leave this castle until I know, exactly, what happened in the badlands.”
"...And risk causing an incident with Gethreania? Majesty, I do not think even thee would care for that much trouble considering the week that has just gone by." Her gaze narrowed, Handy's smile widened, he then cleared his throat and elected to indulge the princess. “When I arrived in the badlands, I was captured by the changelings, not knowing what I was after I arrived in their city.”
“City?” She asked, an eyebrow raised.
“Yes, quite a lovely place too, they had abandoned it for a long time, I didn’t know that at the time however.”
“So they captured you?”
“Yes, a scout that had found me was concerned that she could not feed off of me, indeed, apparently could not even sense me until she tripped across my feet.” He said, he felt the pendant warm up considerably under his mail, looks like someone does not appreciate him talking about her so openly. He spent nearly a week wandering the castle giving the queen a good look, the least she could do is shut up long enough for Handy to get his own arse out of hot water.
“Where did they take you?”
“To a pod of sorts.” Handy said, Celestia nodded. “They tried to induce sleep in me and cause me to dream, allowing them to learn and feed off of me by dreaming of my loved ones. They failed, so they tried numerous chemical concoctions, causing a great deal of suffering and pain for myself.” Celestia looked… concerned?
“It did not work?”
“No, even if it did cause me to sleep, I could not dream.”
“Why not?”
“Because I simply do not. Never have,” He responded, this seemed to surprise Celestia immensely. She recovered and tapped her chin with a hoof, looking aside.
“…That would explain it…”
“Majesty?”
“Nothing, please, what did you do?”
“The room I was in, was in the queen’s palace. The building was under attack, the queen entered the room seeking a secret passage. She drew near my pod, which was when I made my escape and attacked her.”
“How did you escape?”
“I ate.”
“You…. Y-you ate your way out?”
“I was hungry, and not in my right mind I pray thee understand, also the pod was delicious.” He added, he enjoyed watching the princess try not to squirm. Herbivores, pfft. “My rage was great and my reason had left me, so I nearly killed the queen before I came to my senses.” Handy looked uneasily to the side, Celestia’s eyes narrowed.
“I suppose I can understand.” Celestia said, Handy did not believe her as much as he wanted to.
“I regret my actions…” He added uneasily.
“She tortured you.”
“There is no excuse…” Handy said, looking down, a quizzical expression graced her features, she looked as if she was about to speak further before Handy beat her to it. “In either case, I managed to compel her to help me escape, we made it out into the city. Where we met the dragon.”
“Dragon?” Her eye widened.
“Yes.” Handy said. “Thou didst not think those rumours of mine killing a dragon were false did thee?” He asked, the look on her face told him she had indeed. “Ponies will willingly believe I have eyes of burning coal and spawn from the shadow of a murdered phoenix sooner than believe a dragon can be slain? Thou put too much stock in the lords of flame.”
“How?”
“Pray?”
“How did you kill it?”
“A few well placed hammer blows and a death ride down an dark chasm, to put it in short.” Handy said simply. “I had just saved the queen’s life, she had paid me for my services.”
“Paid you? Were you not just in a position to kill her previously?”
“I was.”
“Then why would she do that?”
’To let me go and wander around ponyland as her literal, unwitting eyes and ears?’ ”Because she asked for mine aid.” He lied.
“And you gave it?”
“I was a mercenary and an adventurer, it was a dragon, she was a client, I got paid. There is little sense bringing personal matters into business.”
Celestia seemed to consider all of this as she put the letter away. She levitated another cup of water and took a sip. “She paid you a substantial amount for such a task.” She said at length.
“I saved their ancestral city from the threat that caused them to leave it in the first place.” Handy added. “Also I was not aware of the full value of the payment she did deliver unto me until later on when I entered Pawstown. I beg thy forgiveness, but I was ignorant of thine economy vis a vis the changeling currency.” He added. Celestia looked at him hard before finally asking another question.
“So why are you here?” She asked.
“I… I’m here as part of my lord’s entourage.”
“No. I meant here, you are quite far from home.” She asked. Handy froze. He raised a gauntleted hand and idly scratched the side of his head while looking aside. Celestia raised an eyebrow curiously.
“It was… Indiscretion that led to my being here.” Handy admitted.
“Indiscretion?” She asked.
“…Yes. It was… Is rather, embarrassing.” Now the princess was leaning her head over, eager to hear.
Handy took a deep breath, sighing, he told Celestia the story of his drunken rampage that apparently lasted months. The room was quiet for a good long while after that. Handy shuffled uncomfortably. The princess’ face almost broke as she raised a hoof to suppress a giggle. Handy’s blood boiled. ’Ok, enough of this.’ Handy got back to his feet and bowed slightly. “If that will be all, Majesty.” He said, Celestia looked up, surprised.
“Actually, I had a few more things to ask.” She insisted. “Please, sit.” Handy almost didn’t. “I have a… request of you.” She asked Handy looked the horse dead in the eye for a few seconds before complying. “I must request that, in the course of your duties, you bring no harm upon my little ponies.” She said simply.
Is she fucking serious?
“I am sorry majesty.” Handy said, causing her to look up. “That is simply a request I cannot abide by.” Her gaze hardened.
“And why is that?”
“Because thy little ponies, so far, have been more of a threat to my livelihood then I ever have been to theirs. Particularly after thy recent folly.” Handy challenged, his blood was up and his reason tried desperately to try to restrain his pride from getting him into more trouble. There was a coolness in the air about them. Handy did not care.
“Thou hast apologised for thy assault of mine self and my lord, which I do graciously accept. But I shall not fulfil any such request until you apologise for the curse thou hast unwittingly damned me with.” He said heatedly. Celestia blinked.
“Damned?”
“Didst thou not read thy student’s writings? I am vampyr now, because of the curse carried within the fangs of thy Thestrals.” He said. “Already I have noted differences between myself and thy Thestrals in my… needs. Thou hast awoken in me a blood curse my people thought mere myth, I am now the shadow that haunts the minds of mankind, I pray for my sake and for all that it does not deteriorate further than it already has.” He added.
“I… I’m sorry.” She said, her anger from before fading. “But, it should not be any more crippling then what the Thestrals have to deal with. Perhaps, if you would allow us, we can assist you. Equestria can provide you with potions to subdue your thirst, perhaps even find a cure.”
’Unless your Thestrals can heal their wounds with the blood they drink then I think it’s fair to say I’ve already changed more radically then could be expected.’ “I am sorry, majesty, but I am afraid I cannot accept such aid.” Handy retorted, Celestia looked back into his eyes. “I will not be thrall to those who have left me so accursed.”
“But, we would never do that to you!”
“Oh? Even if thou wouldst not willingly, would that not be the case nonetheless? I would be reliant on thee for the supply of potions would I not?” He asked, she was silent. It was as he thought, he closed his eyes and took in a breath. ‘Easy Handy. Calm down.’ ”Thou hast been a most gracious host, majesty. And thy offer is most generous, but I simply cannot accept, much like I cannot accept your hope of a cure. Had thee been able to find one, surely thy Thestrals would be free of their taint by now.” He reasoned. Celestia slowly got back to her hooves, prompting Handy to do the same. She looked at him hard, even if her eye did glisten with a bit of sadness.
“Yes… I suppose I should have expected as much.” She said. “But the issue still remains, you will not bring harm upon any of my ponies, Handy of Milesia.” She said, almost possessively. Handy was about to respond before a goat’s head popped out of the floor.
Handy’s reality broke as he looked down at it.
“Ah there you are, Tia my dear!” The goat’s head spoke. It had two horns, one looked like a banjaxed antler and the other resembled an elongated unicorn horn that had gone through a cement mixer. Handy’s mind continued to sunder as the head rose up as the mere tip of a long snake like torso which bore the appendages of animals that had no business being on the same body. “I’ve been just DYING to speak to you about the DREADFULLY dull ambience in that restaurant you recommended.” It spoke, Celestia’s face was a confusion of emotions between anger, frustration, alarm and surprise.
“Discord…” She said through gritted teeth. “I told you not to come to the castle this week.”
“Oh I know, but I have been just so terribly BORED! Fluttershy is away on a trip, something about seaponies or some other thing-I don’t really care truthfully, I just-oh hello!”
’Oh God no.’ Handy took a step back instinctively, severely missing his hammer, the strange, floating, THING had twisted in the air to regard him.
“My aren’t you a strange one, hmm, nope, don’t care, too boring, ta-ta.” The draconequus snapped its leonine paw as it closed its eyes and Handy felt everything suddenly get very warm and bright. There was a flash of light, Discord turned back to Celestia. “Now, Princess, we’ve some things to discuss, now I know you said I could turn the forest on Mount Greathoof upside down on Tuesdays but I was thinking… What are you gawking at?” He said referring to Celestia’s open mouthed expression. Discord turned with a bored expression that suddenly widened in surprise.
The human’s armour shone with incandescence before eventually fading, the repaired parts of his armour glowing red with ambient magical energy longer than the rest of the metal before fading. Handy stood there blinking the blindness out of his eyes as he fumbled with his helmet. “I thought I said ta-ta? You know, goodbye, perhaps you’d like to be sent a bit further away, I hear the crystal empire is lovely this time of year.”
“What.” Handy said flatly.
“What.” Celestia echoed, but for an entirely different reason.
A snap of fingers, a flash of light, a still stupefied human looking up at an ancient spirit of chaos growing incredibly frustrated with his existence. “Hmmm…” Discord mused, rubbing the lower part of his chin.
“What.” Handy said again, trying to process what manner of fuckery this was. Discord leant uncomfortable close, an eye closed, his mismatched larger one bulged alarmingly as an optician’s glass popped up in front of it. And another, and another and several more until Handy found himself backing up against the wall as the horizontal stack of magnification lenses threatened to pierce the fabric of his helmet and poke him in the eye.
“Well isn’t this neat?” Discord mused with a click of his teeth.
“What.” Handy said again, blinking rapidly. Discord snapped again, Handy’s cloak turned pink. “WHAT!?” Discord smiled, his prominent snaggletooth displayed for all to see.
“Discord.” Celestia said warningly. “This is Sir Handy. A human.” Discord’s face changed slowly, frowning.
“Really now?” He asked. “Never saw one before.” He said. The door kicked in as a solar guard rushed in.
“Princess I-” Snap. The Guard’s armour and weapon was now water, which splashed over the bamboozled pony, soaking him and causing him to slip on the floor with an audible oof. The other guards behind him thought twice about following after him
“It's rude to interrupt you know.”
“Discord, please, I am in the middle of something.” Celestia said again. “I’ll speak with you later.”
“Ohhh fine.” He said pouting. “Have fun with your new ‘toy’, but I still hold you to that promise about the cheesecakes!” He said, crossing his arms and turning his head to the side. Celestia rolled her eyes.
“Yes, of course.” She said. “Now, if you’d be so kind.”
“I suppose…” He sighed and exploded in a cloud of goat headed moths, flapping their way happily out of the room. Handy turned to follow them as they left, looked down at the recovering guard pony, looked at his cloak, looked back at Celestia.
“What.” Was all that he could say, Celestia smiled apologetically at him. She dismissed the guard and her horn lit up as she closed the door and dried the floor. Handy still hadn’t removed himself from the wall, trying to process what in the blithering blue fuck that was about.
“I… Apologise, he can be difficult to deal with sometimes.” Handy did not respond. Celestia cleared her throat. “Sir Handy, might I enquire something?” Handy nodded his head slowly, his mind elsewhere, trying to think about anything else other than whatever the hell that was. Thoughts like ‘How the fuck am I going to explain this cloak away now?’ Celestia had a thoughtful look on her face.
“How is it…” She continued. “You were able to resist his magic?” She asked.
“H-huh?” Handy said intelligently. “O-oh… I guess… My armour. The way it was forged, something about it.” Celestia narrowed her eyes as a smile returned to her face. “Helped when fighting the elemental…” Celestia cocked an eyebrow.
“An elemental?”
“On the train, there was a pony, unicorn, summoned an elemental with her witch-fire, tried to kill me with lightening.” He said, Celestia’s face was unreadable. Her horn lit up, a previously invisible door in the wall opened, in it she withdrew a black cloak stained with mud and tears. It was rather unremarkable bar the small golden clasp depicting a clover and unicorn horn. “Was the pony wearing this?” She asked. Handy took the cloak and had a look over it.
’See, you’re not helping Sorcha, can’t you see I am mourning for my beloved cloak? And here you are handing me a pony cloak, a black one, classy.’ “She was.” Handy confirmed looking the cloak over. Celestia gestured to the clasp, taking advantage of the human’s bewilderment.
“Does that word mean anything to you?” She asked. Handy looked at the clasp. Astucieux, a French word by the way it rolled off the tongue, he had no idea what it meant.
“No.” Handy said truthfully. “What is it?” He asked, his mind on overdrive to catch up with the situation. It figured it might be in Handy’s best interests to play ignorant to the similarities between the languages he has run into during his time here and those of his home. Celestia frowned.
“Perhaps it is nothing.” She said, magically taking the cloak away again, Handy looked up. The princess was smiling serenely again when she turned back to the human. “You said you are a mercenary correct? An adventurer?” She asked, Handy sensed the danger.
“Was.” He said. ’Oh no, I’m not falling for that.’ ”I am currently engaged in long term employment, Majesty.” He finished.
“A shame.” She said at last. She looked over her shoulder, as if she could see the sky past the curtains. “It seems I am needed. It has been a pleasure sir Handy.”
“It has been a honour.” ’It has not.’ Celestia then opened the door and gestured that Handy could leave. Handy took a step forward.
“Oh and one more thing.” Celestia said, causing Handy to pause and turn, her eyes were sparkling and she looked like she could not contain a laugh. “Perhaps you are not as heartless as the changelings believe, you do, afterall, wear yours quite openly.” She said. Handy looked at her confusedly.
“I… Thank you? Majesty?” He said.
“Oh no, thank you Sir Handy.” Ok now it was obvious she was trying to hold down a laugh. Handy scowled. “I’ll be sure to have Twilight alter her notes to represent this fact.”
“I am sure Aine has better things to do.” Handy said with as much calm as he could muster, his left fist shook beneath his cloak as he stood in the doorway, he could hear one of the day guards snickering behind him. ’Ok whoever you are, as soon as I turn around I am memorizing your face and immortalizing it on my shitlist for eternity.’
“Aine?” Celestia asked. Handy turned back to her. He smiled. It appears Twilight has not been entirely honest with her mentor.
“Yes, Aine, ask her highness about it.” He said. “It should prove most enlightening.” He turned and closed the door behind him with more force then was necessary. The two guards on either side of the doorway were looking away, curious expressions on their face. He turned and scanned the dozen or so guards lining this section of the hallway, all of them with odd expressions.. ’Eenie, meanie, minie…’ One guard by one of the many windows in particular was shaking, he raised a hoof to his muzzle as he let out a short, sharp breath, his eyes were watering. ’Mo. Welcome to the shitlist mister short-muzzle-with-a-distinctive-mark-under-his-left-eye, you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.’
Handy walked down the hallway, his footsteps echoing very loudly as he went. He could hear an echoing chortle from down the way he came. He fumed impotently. He stopped by a window and steadied himself against the Greek pillar beside it, looking out into the night sky, trying to work out the sheer rage he felt. ’Easy Handy, this day can’t get that much worse.’
Now, remember how Handy only came to accept ponies could control the weather when he finally bothered to look up and see it demonstrated for him first hand? Yeah, Handy has never actually personally witnessed a sunrise or moon rise in Equestria, so he is still operating under the assumption that the world turns at a reasonable, consistent pace and that the pretty pony princesses cannot, in fact, move the heavenly bodies of the sun and the moon.
You can see where this is going.
He looks out across the lit city below, and sees a small form floating in the air above the castle, in the dying light he can just make it out as Luna, the second of the Royal Diarchy. Her horn lit up gloriously as her wings spread wide, her form levitated there and her eyes shone with incandescent light. The moon rose way faster than it had any business doing before it slowed to a normal pace. Handy’s mind Goddamn stopped.
--=--
When he came to, he was still standing there, the moon was slightly higher in the sky, his mouth was agape, had he not been wearing his helmet he probably would have caught some rather unfortunate flies, as it was, he was just standing there, in the middle of a hallway, in a hot pink cloak, gazing over the city below. For over an hour.
Handy shook with impotent rage at the universe. He moved on suddenly, storming down the corridor, his mood murderous. He passed by a number of night guards, their normally hungry and angry looks softened and turned to looks of curiosity, bewilderment and barely restrained laughter. He stopped at a corner before the turn to the guest wing and turned and glared at one such pony who was on the verge of tears.
“Do it.” He warned. “I dare you.” Glaring at the pony, who for his part had stifled some of his laughter, but his eyes still glistened, trying to look anywhere else. “I double dare you motherfu-”
“Hey there you are Handy.” Handy turned at the voice. It was Sir Tanismore. “The guys were wondering where you were, what…” The griffon stopped as he saw Handy’s cloak in the moonlight and the batpony behind him trying very hard not to laugh uproariously, staring at the back of the human’s cloak wide eyed. “You uh… You uh get a change of clothes there buddy?” Handy glowered at the bird.
“One word…” Handy warned. “One Goddamn word, Tanis, and I swear, right here, right now, in the corridor, I will end you.”
“Of course, snrk.” The griffon held a claw up. “I’m just saying, you know…” He continued, Handy turned back to stare down at the bat pony who immediately stood to attention but was visibly shaking. And it wasn’t from fear.
’Thestral, teal eyes, strong jaw, reddish mane, possibly brown, distinctive mark on nose, oh yes, I’ll remember you little one…’
“The colour is quite fetching on you, Handy the Hearty.” Tanismore snickered. Handy gave out a cry of frustration and drew his hammer.
“I WARNED YOU! I FUCKING WARNED YOU! COME’RE!” Handy charged at the griffon who took flight and flew down the corridor.
“JUST SAYING! YOU KNOW! IT'S QUITE A CHANGE FROM YOUR USUAL DRESS SENSE!”
“YOU LIKE CHANGE? HERE, LET ME CHANGE YOUR SKULL, I HEAR CONCAVE IS QUITE A FETCHING DIMENSION TO HAVE THESE DAYS!” The Thestral promptly lost his shit as the two charged off, but Handy already had one target, shit lister number ninety three can await his turn, right before Featherbrain and after this afternoon’s breakfast.
The two had went in a circle, awaking the nearby castle dwellers to their shenanigans as Handy tried his damnedest to catch the feathery asshole. One particular room Luna was having a chat with Twilight about the constellations when Celestia walked in.
“-Oh, that would be so beautiful, do you think the ursa constellation would benefit though? It seems it would take away from it.” Twilight asked, looking over Luna’s sketches. Luna shook her head.
“It wouldst do no such thing, Magic, placing those stars over there would help accent the nebulae I had planned for that area of the sky.”
“Am I interrupting?” Celestia asked as she interrupted. Twilight looked up happily and Luna greeted her sister with a warm smile.
“Not at all, Celestia! Luna and I were just discussing her designs for next cycle of the moon.” Twilight said happily.
“Magic has been most insightful and helpful.” Luna said, Celestia smiled warmly at them both, she opened her mouth to speak before being rudely interrupted herself.
“TAKE IT EASY HANDY!”
“I WARNED YOU TANISMORE, I BLOODY WARNED YOU!”
“IT WAS JUST A JOKE, LOOK WE’VE ALL HAD A LONG DAY-”
“LONG DAY!? HAHA! DON’T THINK I DIDN’T NOTICE YOU SKIMPING THE ROTA YOU LAYABOUT, GET BACK HERE!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”
“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!”
The pleasant conversation increased and decreased in volume as the pair thundered passed the open door of the observatory’s study, leaving a fair number of dumbfounded and laughing guard ponies in their wake. The princesses just looked out the door in surprise from where they stood. Twilight’s ear flicked.
“Was that… Handy?” She asked. Celestia looked down at her curiously.
“Yes I believe it was, I had an… Interesting conversation with him before Discord interrupted. Twilight…” She asked. Twilight looked up. “Who’s Aine?” Celestia asked smiling. Twilight flattened her ears and looked away.
“Uhhh…” She began, tapping her hoof awkwardly on the floor.
--=--
Handy dragged Tanismore unceremoniously back to the barracks by his tail. He was unconscious and Handy’s hammer had made a good show for itself this night. His cloak was bundled under his other arm with his helmet. He made it into the barracks and caught one of the guards who was about to go to sleep, it was the one he had relieved on the first night. He stopped him.
“Hey.” He said. “Change of shift, you’re back on night duty.” He said tiredly.
“What?” The guard griffon replied. “No I’m not.” He protested. Handy raised an imperious eyebrow, without looking he reached over to the chalkboard rota beside the doorway, wiped out his own and the guard’s pretentious name, Gryphonicus Adondis Shadowsunder, replacing it with Handy’s own and putting the guard’s name, Gryphonicus Adondis Shadowsunder, in his former place. Handy gave him a look, daring him to object. The griffon’s beak was agape, but then he closed it and sighed in defeat before walking off. Handy dumped Tanismore beside his cot as he sat down on his own. Fuming silently for a while.
’Two more days, Handy, just, two. You have the day off tomorrow, go into town, see the sights, scare the bejeesus out of some ponies, you’ll feel right as rain in no time.’ He said, rubbing his eyes, dreading waking up in the morning with another Godawful unexplained headache. He could no longer blame the guy sleeping above him, as he had long since learned his lesson and now there was that goat… Dragon… Unicorn… Dualicorn? THING that just fucked up his favourite cloak. He liked that cloak, it was best cloak, he sighed looking down at the pink bundle. You see, now he would have to burn it… Nah, He could just dye it again, sure it might ruin it but it was an awesome cloak and it had served him well. It deserved a second chance, he unfolded it to look at the design on its back one last ti-
A large red heart and flower designs graced the back of the cloak where his sigil once lay, outlined in white frilly cloth.
There were no words to express the internal scream of fury that rocked his entire being that night.
--=--
“Really?”
“Really.”
“But I-“
“Look it’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“You’ve been in that armour for a week straight and you stink.”
“Oh I’m sorry, was I the only one in the makeshift sauna that was the negotiations? We all stink Joachim.”
“Still, this will be fine, I’ll be with Thunderstorm all day and we’ll have plenty of protection, the rest of the knights have the day off, go have some fun.”
“Define fun? This is Equestria and I am Handy.” He pointed out, Joachim raised a claw and opened his mouth to speak, then looked up and closed his beak.
“Point. Look, just relax, you have been in an evil mood lately, and you gave Tanismore a concussion.”
“Don’t act like he didn’t have it coming.”
“He did, claw he did, but still, for a lot of reasons. We could’ve done without that little incident waking half the castle.”
“It certainly made me feel better about my night and I’ll have you know it was only a quarter.”
“Just go out and relax.” Johan said, exasperated. “For all our sakes, I’d rather not have you glowering over my shoulder on the flight home.”
“But I’ll be wearing my happy face then.”
“Your happy face is a terrifying mask of steel.” Joachim pointed out, Handy beamed at him, the bird rolled his eyes. He left the room as Handy fixed his double buttoned jacket over his dress shirt. He affixed his hammer to his belt and swung his shield over his back, hooked into a clip that allowed an easy detachment on the black leather belt he wore across his torso. He harrumphed, disliking being this far from ‘safe territory’ in anything but his heavy armour, he had, despite Joachim’s insistence, worn his mail under his outfit, it was an uncomfortable fit but he pulled it off without making it too obvious.
Bewilderingly, his cloak was saved from its date with the bonfire of hatred, having faded back to its normal black and white over time. Although the colours were now reversed, Handy wasn’t sure how he felt about that, as if he didn’t stick out enough already. He silently cursed magic users and their shenanigans as he affixed it about him. He had to tighten the clasps and heft the hem of the cloak into tiny clips in its underside, now that he was out of his armour the cloak dragged terribly on the ground and it’d be ruined had he done nought about it. He’d commission another one, might as well have more than one, he could certainly afford it.
He patted the pack bag carried at his side, with its precious cargo of vital fluid. He did have rather a lot of money, so he had purchased several paper bonds recognised by the Royal Treasury of Gethrenia, as regulated by the Central Toll of Greycoast, whatever that was. He couldn’t very well go throwing about changeling coinage in Canterlot, and if he had brought griffon coinage, he’d probably be ripped off at the exchange rate and he sure as hell wasn’t getting it exchanged for local currency. So, after having made some enquires with Ivorybeak before he left he had bought the bonds, about three hundred bits worth which he could easily afford. The bonds were recognised in Equestria whose local and national treasuries also dealt with the central Toll of Greycoast so at least he could rely on a semi-formal exchange rate for his bonds when he actually bought something. Who knows, maybe Canterlot has some interesting bric-a-brac shops in its dingier streets, like Dublin does.
Sighing he made his way out of the castle, several of the guards looked expectantly as they heard him approach, he saw looks of disappointment on their faces. ’Fuckers can get their own pink cloaks, dicks.’ When they weren’t making disappointed expressions they were looking curiously, having never seen the human without his helm. He had his hood up so it was still heavily shadowed, if any of the ponies were going to get a good look at him, they’d have to be really obvious about it and none of them felt like getting a chewing out from their superiors for such lack of professionalism, that was just fine with the human.
He stopped as he passed by a certain guard pony doing his rounds on the grounds, he carried a spear in the crook of his forehoof, Handy recognised that stern expression, hello again White Boy. Handy gave a sly smirk, raised two fingers of his left hand to his forehead and gave the Pegasus a quick, dismissive salute, the pony glared at him as he passed. Handy felt naked being out in public without his full armour on, his cloak and mail being small comfort, once he passed out of the castle and into Canterlot proper that sensation became all the more apparent as he elicited more stares from the gentlefolk of the city and its urbane yet less well-off classes.
He shifted uncomfortably, walking slowly through the busy streets, avoiding the carriages and wagons passing to and fro on their respective businesses. The ponies generally parted to give him way and then whispering furiously to one another when he had passed. You know, he had thought they were all stuck up nobles, but no, most of the ponies were indeed relatively wealthy to some degree but the stuck up nature applied to everyone as he had learned walking into a bakery and purchasing a hot bagel, not caring for the dismissive attitude the baker gave him. He had grunted and was rewarded when the baker broke character for a moment and flinched.
Honestly he was at a loss for what to do with himself. Get out of the castle? Check. Get away from the griffons? Check, although he wasn’t sure about leaving Johan alone, but he was with the other king so he could forget about his duties for once. Aaaaand scared the bejeesus out of some ponies? Handy turned to look across the street, a pair of ponies, filly and colt, teens if he could gauge pony ages by looking, were standing at a corner staring at him. He smiled and they suddenly found somewhere else they’d rather be with priceless expressions. Check and check. Now he was bored.
Idly he stopped by a book store, the Wilted Quill judging by the sign and decided to enter. The bookmare nearly had a heart attack when the human entered, he calmed her with his best reassuring tone and dignified airs. He was, afterall, only browsing to pass the time. He had a look through the shelves, there did not seem to be any organization by genre. Rather, books were stuffed into shelves haphazardly with piles on the floor, the place smelled musty as any proper book store should. Handy smiled, it reminded him of some of the hole in the wall book stores he had drudged through manys a night back home during his own studies, filled with second hand well worn copies of old edition text books he purchased because he was too cheap to buy the newer, barely improved editions at full price. Those were surprisingly good nights and he had made good finds.
Idly he wiled away an hour among the shelves, the mare relaxing slightly over time to return to her own book and cup of tea. Pony literature was a hodgepodge affair, a lot of texts and treatises on everything from advanced astronomy to the proper way to pat down grass seeds according to various earth pony traditions. Most of those did not catch his eyes apart from a small book on Equestrian criminal law and jurisprudence, he only half realised he picked it up by some old training kicking in from his university days when he caught himself. He chuckled lightly at his own foolishness and thought about replacing the book. Nah, he missed having something to read, even if it was something as dry as pony law.
He decided to try to find any fiction, he was disappointed to learn that pony fantasy stories were generally… surprisingly mundane. That’s probably what happened when you already live in a world that was a fantasy buffet anyway, a fair number of the ones he found had a consistent theme, magic creature X, usually a pony goes to world Y which has no magic, shenanigans Z ensue. He bought one of them on sheer ironic principle given his situation. He came across one series of books around a central character, Daring Do. There were rather a lot of books about this character’s adventures and he was reminded an awful lot about those penny dreadful, happy go lucky adventure stories he had read in primary school. Reading the blurb of one he discovered it was actually more akin to pony Harry Potter, if Harry Potter was Indiana Jones, despite the titular character being a pegasus and not a unicorn.
…
Hang on a tic that actually sounded pretty fucking awesome. He read the first few pages, it wasn’t too exciting but there was plenty of blood and thunder undercurrents he usually enjoyed in his love affair with bad schlock fiction. It was no Warhammer but clearly it had plenty of cheese. It’d do for now until he found something better, he made a mental note to check book stores in Skymount when he got back. He turned and approached the counter, the elderly looking mare visibly shrank under him but he tried to give her a reassuring smile, remembering to cover his teeth. When that didn’t work he let go and simply placed the books on the counter and requested a price before handing over one bond-note for an exchange of quite a bit of bits. The books were placed in a bag and he thanked the mare for her assistance. He turned to look at the door as a little bell rang, signalling another customer.
An extremely haggard looking mare stood there, muddy hooves, ruined mane, wide, wild looking eyes and a ragged coat, she looked at Handy disbelievingly. Handy swore he remembered her from somewhere but he couldn’t quite place where. Her mane was brown and her coat was red.
Crimson, one might say.
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I'm your 100 like! Do I get a prize?
Like that Handy basically told Celestia to take her potions and shove them up her ass. Politely of course.
I was hoping that Handy call her bluff *extremely disappointed face*. He'll also have to beat the shit out of at least one thestral before they leave. All mandatory and whatnot.
4044930 Surprise beatings!
Saw this updated, stopped watching an episode to start reading this. That is how I feel when this updates.
4044999 "Mandatory." Oh my God is it more than mandatory.
4044930 Congrats! Here's a slap to the back of the head!
*WHACK*
Here I am, eating Doritos, and as soon as I go to swallow mushed up chips this pops up. You almost killed me!
I accept repayment in the form of a faster chapter release.
Yet another thing this has pointed out that I need.
Period, where art thou? Just saying.
You know, it's too bad Handy didn't blow up on her right there. Then again, it is kind of OOC for the act he's putting on.
Discord happens to be really good at that.
No. Don't.
Both of these are missing an apostrophe in "its."
Anything Handy owns is automatically the best.
t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ58OrqUAlIkG5E_VbygT6Cvjf68Uzqh_uGeRnWJmY7jI5y-zr7
To anyone who has no idea what this could be.
Sounds like some author is poking at something...
Beat her, Handy! Beat her!
Some times I wonder how many people track this, then I see the 100 likes. Makes me think somewhere around 70ish.
MURDER IN THE STREETS!!!!! MURDER IN THE STREETS!!!!
Fight In street between Handy the Human & Dark Mage Pony!!
4044999 The more I look at this comment the more I feel you're right, Handy SHOULD'VE called her out on her bluff, even in 'character' it'd be something he'd do. I'm going to edit the story to reflect this now.
4044999
Yeah, I like Handy sensed and rejected Tia´s intent to manipulate him.
P.E: For a moment, I feared Discord saying "By the way, why is the big guy wearing this changeling spy amulet on the neck? As Rarity would say, they are sooooo gaudi this year."
Hmmm, I was thinking: I would love for him to find some thestrals trying to sample his blood and have justifiable cause to beat the shit out of them, but why not take it a step further? A well placed rumour here and there about how Luna's pets can no longer restrain themselves and have been gorging on pony's blood and have even fed on the terrifying human would undermine public trust and credibility in the Night Guard. Maybe there would also be a scene where he meets Luna where he rips into her for not being able to control her guards and rejects any attempts at apology. I mean really (and this goes for Celestia too), did they really think a mere "I'm sowwy; take sum potions" would cut it for turning him?
I can imagine two more scenes: another diplomatic kerfuffle when Blueblood comes into contact with him, and when they're about to leave, Handy gives a rousing speech telling the Equestrians exactly what he thinks about them.
I just discovered this story today. Your story should have many more views - this is one of the most enjoyable HiE fics on this sight. Keep up the good work!
4051140 Shh, secrets.
4053443 Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad you enjoyed it so.
4047418 I do try...
4046749 Why thank you kind sir!
4046460 Discord had his reasons...
4045491 One night only! Step right up and buy a ticket!
4045463 Muhahahaha
4056289
I´m more curious about Handy´s reason to carry the amulet despite knowing Chrysalis´enchantment. He could be labelled as a traitor to both Equestria and the griffins.
4056374 For the griffons he has a good reason, they think its a trophy and if he got rid of it, there was always the chance a griffon would find it and bring it back to him again, not to mention questions he'd get if he was seen destroying it, its magical, for all he knows it could explode.
As to why he's wearing it in Canterlot, the reason is simple: Fuck Canterlot.
Aw, thanks!!
Also, listened to Sabaton on Pandora for the entire duration of this chapter. Coincidence? I think not!
Gott Mit Uns!
4045463 I wonder if they have any shitty HIE (or in this case PI(insert first letter of name of other dimension here)) stories :3
Y'know, Handy's in a unique position to cast the trestrals in a bad light.
"So mister human, did you always drink blood?"
"Why no, random child. A thestral snuck into my house when I was asleep and bit my neck, and sucked my blooding turning me into an unread bloodsucker like them. Rumor has it that they like the blood of children the most!"
I'm just
Two words
Oh, why hello Murphy. Fancy meeting you here.
Ha! Love the Hotel California reference. I need to put that on top of my s#itlist.
Excellent story by the way! Very well written, incredibly funny, and just enough cynicism to suit. 10 out of 10.
4045463 So maybe twilight has to go to the cross-dimensional plain of existence in relative theory to equestria's...
A.K.A.... The Equestria Girls world? I wonder if fate could fuck with him and turn him into a horse there
Also, that word on the cloak means Clever, for whoever didn't want to translate.
Maybe...
...
...
It belongs to Clover, the Clever..?
It's
A
Lightning
Buck me with a moon sideways, and i thought that navarone was horrible:p
Well, I think I can sum up this whole chapter (and story) in one short video.
It was GOD.
how else could they keep their
PS: Handy has the best Happy Face
4051140
YEAH! FUCK YEAH! LET EM HAVE IT!!! FUCK THEM HERBIVORES TO HELL!