Chapter 12 - Its always Sunny in Canterlot
” Come single guy and gal unto me pay attention
Don't ever fall in love
It's the devil's own invention!
For once I fell in love with a maiden so bewitching
Miss Henrietta Bell down in Captain Kelly's kitchen~!”
To say that Handy had a lot of regrets in his life would be an understatement
“Me toora loora la, me toora loora laddie!
Me toora loora la and me toora loora laddie~!”
Teaching a royal feast hall full of griffons the lyrics to Captain Kelly’s Kitchen was certainly one of them.
“At the age of seventeen I apprenticed to a grocer
Not far from Stephen's Green
Where Miss Henri' used to go sir~!”
Although you can’t hold Handy for his mistake. Not really, you see he was quite drunk, regrettably so one might say.
“Her manners were sublime she set my heart a-twitchin'
When she invited me to a party in the kitchen~!”
You see, the following morning he was going to have to explain to his comrades in the royal knights that no, no this song was not about his personal history, merely a song from his homeland. He’d fail in that endeavour.
“Me toora loora la, me toora loora laddie
Me toora loora la and me toora loora laddie~!”
Right now however? It was a night for making regrets. It was the aftermath of Joachim’s coronation and it was either stay in the castle and get drunk, go into the city below… And get drunk. Escape to the countryside… And get drunk. Stay in his room… And get drunk, because there was no way in hell Sir Tanismore was going to let him get away with being a loner tonight as he dragged him to the hall. A coronation is kind of a big deal afterall and there is only so much of the day you can dedicate to pleasant formalities before someone busts out the kegs. Handy was quite nervous that day you see, for despite the occasional drink he had never once spent a night getting hammered since he had arrived in these lands. For obvious reasons you understand, last time he did so he fell through a hole in the world.
”Her arms around my waist she slyly hinted marriage
When to the door in haste came Captain Kelly's carriage!
Her eyes were full of hate and poison she was spittin'
The Captain kicked the door in and stormed into the kitchen~!”
Alas, here we are, with a very drunk Handy making one bad decision after another, singing on top of a table while wearing a very large, bright red and lime green hat he had been dared to wear. He wasn’t sure when he lost his shirt, but it ended up tied to a flag pole on the westernmost tower by the morning. The feast? Oh yeah, it was excellent, nothing unusual there, except for when Duchess Stormcrown let out a rather unladylike burp that carried across the hall.
It was midway through the third interminable speech that someone started the drinking games. It escalated rather aggressively from there, especially when Joachim casually mentioned how Handy arrived in Equestria in the first place and all of a sudden the birds wanted to put his constitution to the test. Now, Handy could have avoided all of this… but no, no of course he couldn’t, what am I saying? Of course despite weeks of being left in peace by the court at large, despite being avoided like the plague by the nobility and servants unless they absolutely had to approach him, now… Now was when everybody decided ‘Hey, lets go get the human a drink and see if we can make friends with him!’ What’s that? You think that’s actually a good thing? Branching out, getting to know the griffons he was spending so much time with? Hahahahahahaha no.
He’d never forgive Sir Geremy and Frederick for making a show of being amiable around him. How dare they be so friendly and giving other people ideas? Asses. He had given the standard explanation as the questions finally came about exactly who and what he was, he had given them the spiel he had given Charity Bell, or Thorax, so long ago. Unfortunately it only increased his mystique and invited more and more questions, Handy was going through a rather worrying amount of drink and losing track of his story. Not sure how to come up with coherent backstory to the questions he was being asked, Whats your family called? Which ocean is Milesia in? How do you grow your crops without control over the weather? I say, Handy old boy, are you married? He needed a distraction and wracked his brain for the first song that came to mind.
Hence, Captain Kelly’s kitchen.
“In spite of all her screechin'
I got six months hard
For my courtin' in the kitchen~!”
“Me toora loora la, me toora loora laddie
Me toora loora la and me toora loora laddie~!”
He was going to feel it all in the morning, his little dalliance with the devil’s drink invited more people challenging him to drinking matches, he managed to get out of most of those but got involved in the various shenanigans one can imagine drunken avians get up to in a celebration. What, never partied with flying lions before? You need to get out more. So after an embarrassing stay on the dance floor and a downed drinks count somewhere above the twenties, Handy’s recollection of events became a little hazy.
Waking up the following morning, he found his brain was trying to break its way out of his skull with a God-damn crowbar. He was rolled under a table, a lampshade on his head and several griffons piled up on the table above him and the chairs beside and he had been found leaning against the side of some noblegriffon or another, he had crushed its wing beneath him, he elected to get out of there before it woke up and gave him shit for ruining its plumage or what have you.
He stumbled through the hall, thankful he didn’t end up in the back arse of beyond. Well, not this time at least. The sun shone through the high windows and blinded him, making his headache that much worse. Fuck you too, Celestia. He decided he needed water and picking his way through the oh so august carpet of bodies and found his way to a fountain in the quadrangle. Splashing the cool water over his face, he felt marginally better. He blinked repeatedly, bleary eyed. Several heroic guards were already on their feet, their expressions thunderous, he figured they felt about as well as he did and he could only salute their diligence.
He stumbled kitchens-ward, figuring he could do with something to eat. It was then, passing the stairs leading to Geoffrey’s old room that the old bastard’s words came back to him. ‘Voices in the mirror.’ His thoughts recollected, he stopped in his travel and took a step back, looking over the rise of the steps and down the hall, boring a hole in the door with his glare. ’What if…’ He changed his course and made his way to the empty room. It had only been entered into once since Geoffrey had died, they had discovered a secret room behind his closet, one that had nothing pleasant to find in it, but the chamber of horrors wasn’t what Handy had in mind when he turned the handle of the door.
He entered the room, it was about as opulent as one could expect, immaculately kept too. He made his way over to the full body mirror in the corner and studied it for some time. Unfortunately he found nothing of note about it, it seemed to just be an ordinary mirror, if it was magical, it wasn’t obviously so, looks like Geoffrey was just a mad-bird afterall. He tried not thinking about the lingering smell of coagulated blood in the room, the servants had yet to fully clean the place, hell most of Geoffrey’s effects were still here. Idly he decided to poke about.
Jewels? Check, probably should leave those alone. Private Journal? Check, he considered cracking it open and having a gander, but figured he better leave that to Joachim and who he picks as his master of murmurs. Geoffrey had elected to not have a chief spy during his stint as regent, refusing to give anyone the power to spy on other’s affairs, with exception for himself you understand. There were numerous notes on various nobles in court and beyond lying in the drawers, as well as servants, guards, knights… It was extensive. Handy understood with Geoffrey gone the threat went with him, but this was a powerful tool to have and he elected to inform Joachim as soon as possible before someone else stumbles across all of this.
Curious, he flicked through to see the notes about Shortbeak, trying to understand what the prince had over her. She seemed largely clean, honourable, diligent, blah blah insert noble qualities here. Name it, she probably had it, he had scribbled some less than flattering things about her in frustration as he tried getting any dirt on the knight. There was a hurried note at the bottom of her page, stating he had finally found what he was looking for. He flipped the page over and then back to the front, there were no further notes stating exactly what it was he had found on her. He tsked and put the page back in the bundle and took the diary along with it. He’d find King Johan and inform him of his discovery, might as well get a nice bonus now that he was actually being paid for his services, his month’s indentured servitude now at an end.
It was then he caught his side on an exposed drawer that had been jutting out. He winced in surprise at the sudden pain. Looking down he opened the drawer. It was empty but something looked off. His brow furrowed, knocking the inside of the drawer with his knuckles, he heard a hollow noise. Now it had his full interest. He pulled out the drawer, forcing it to disconnect from the writing desk and put it on the counter. He discovered there was a loose board hiding the true bottom of the drawer and he lifted it off, revealing a thin, worn tome with a red and gold cover. It had a spiral design on the front, opening it he was disappointed to discover that the words held within were utter gibberish to him. Not even in English, he didn’t recognise the characters the text was written with. However Geoffrey had went to lengths to hide it, so he figured it was worth taking along.
He had been deciding what to tell Joachim about it when his eye caught on a page as he flicked the pages one after another. It was the image of a minotaur shaman, or he thought it was a shaman, the illustration had the creature’s eyes wreathed in green flame as mist fell from its opened mouth, the image of a looming giant of lightning and smoke in the background, one with thunderous eyes and a tornado for a lower body. That… Was relevant to his interests, the image was all too familiar to him. He put the bundle of notes and diary under one arm, wrapping the mysterious book he had found in a sheet from Geoffrey’s bed, he’d be holding on to it if that was alright with the universe thank you very much.
He made his way to Joachim’s room, there was only one guard there, asleep at his post, Handy paid him no mind as he raised his fist to knock on the door. Which opened, a grand looking female griffon in the doorway who looked up at the human, almost as startled to see him as he was her. She was young and looked ragged as if she had flown through a storm. She excused herself rather quickly as she rushed off down the corridor passed Handy, he looked down the way she had fled and then back into the room to see a rather panicking Joachim running to and fro muttering under his breath.
“Oh claw, oh claw, oh claw…”
“Aheh… My lord?” Handy said, a confused look on his face as he entered the room. Joachim froze and turned slowly on the spot.
“Ah… Handy… Didn’t think you’d be up…”
“Who was that?” He asked, closing the door.
“… Cecilia…” Joachim said. Handy felt that the name rang a bell but he didn’t know which one.
“What was she doing here this early?” Handy asked, his brain not entirely caught up with the situation, cathedral bells ringing, Joachim tapped the tips of his claws together eyes darting side to side.
“Just dropped in for a… chat. Politics. You know how it is.” Joachim said, smiling. Handy shook his head, something nagging at the back of his mind about the situation, honestly it could wait, he was tired and irritable, the headache still kicking his ass.
“Whatever, look, I’ve got something for you. Think of it as a coronation present.” Handy said.
“What is it?” Joachim said, almost relieved over something, honestly, what was his deal? Handy scratched his chest absent mindedly, only vaguely aware he was still wearing his pendant and that was bad, but he couldn’t recall why just yet. It was too early to think hard about things.
“Found these in Geoffrey’s room.” He said, placing the sheets of paper and diary down on the writing desk. “Haven’t opened the diary yet, but had a rifle through the loose pages there, looks like notes on every major noble in the kingdom and some beyond as well as every servant, guard and courtier in the castle. Its rather extensive, thought you could make use of it.”
Joachim looked over the sheets for a moment, eyeing the diary. “So these are all the secrets he had been hoarding to hold power over the nobility?” Handy nodded.
“Yeah I figure that’s the case. You could probably make use of it to keep the peace in the kingdom, you’re no Geoffrey, and this is probably distasteful, but its too good a tool to lose.” Handy said, Joachim tapped his claw on the writing desk for a moment, thinking, he flicked through the pages and read a certain one, Handy couldn’t see who’s page it was from his angle.
“Yes… I believe you’re right, thanks Handy.” Joachim said. Handy nodded, taking a seat and rubbing his forehead, letting out a guttural breath.
“Yeah, welcome I guess. Seriously, you should have had Geoffrey’s room thoroughly searched, especially after we found his little ‘party favour’ in there. What would you do if someone else had found these?” Handy asked, eyes closed. He smelt smoke and felt a bit of warmth, looks like Joachim had lit the fireplace. It was a bit chilly this morning he supposed, they sat there in silence for a while as Handy’s head decided to tell him how much of a dick it thought he was.
“Mmmm.” Joachim said, reading through each page, he looked at Handy. With the exception of a few pages, he threw most of them into the fire.
“Anyway, about this tri-What? What are you doing!?” Handy asked, sitting up, seeing pages burning in the fire place.
“I am not my brother.” Joachim said by way of justification, Handy looked at him incredulously. “Look, I do not deny the value of this information, I had a read through them, and I appreciate your work, but I refuse to be given an axe to hold over everygriffon’s heads like this.”
“But… it was… Kings would kill for a body of information like that!”
“And how many do you think Geoffrey killed to get a hold of this?” Joachim pressed. “Look, I know it’s probably unwise, probably. But it’s right. There was some incredibly personal information in there. I’ll do my own research, not relying on my brother’s underhandedness to maintain stability of the kingdom, I refuse to use his legacy, do you understand that?”
“I understand perfectly, but be reasonable Johan!” Handy retorted, using Joachim’s birth name. “I know I don’t particularly approve of the state spying on its citizens, but considering the information was already to hand…” Joachim put a claw up.
“I get what you’re saying, I really do, believe me. But if I don’t start off my reign on principle, what’s stopping me from turning into another Geoffrey?”
“Sanity!” Handy said exasperated at his friend’s thick headedness.
“Its not as if I am endangering the kingdom, the pages I have here.” Joachim indicated the pages he had not burned. “Are the only ones detailing actual threats to the kingdom, the rest? Most of that is just dirty secrets. I am not going to coerce my vassal to dance in a fool’s outfit just because I have evidence of a particularly embarrassing Minotaur fetish.”
“A vassal has a minotaur fetish?”
“Amongst other things.” Joachim groaned. “And no, I am not saying which one, the knights gossip ends up becoming city wide news most days.”
“Was it Duchess Emerald? I bet its Duchess Emerald.”
“Handy!”
“Kidding, kidding, right, whatever, you’re king. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
“Thank you.” Joachim said at last, placing the papers he hadn’t burned in a drawer. “Handy…” He said.
“Yeah?”
“You know, you don’t have to come to Equestria with me. You can stay here, I can deal with Aleksander giving me Tartarus for it.” Joachim said, uncorking a bottle and taking a drink. “You’ve done enough for me, I can do that much for you.” He said, Handy seriously considered the offer, he’d really rather not end up in the middle of the lion’s den after all that trouble he had leaving Equestria. True, from what he heard the situation had been sorted, the Celestial sisters had agreed to pay for damages to the Equestrian Express and made up some excuse of mistaken identity for the attack on the human.
Which only raised more questions than it answered honestly, at least as far as Handy knew, why the sudden pardon of the Human? They could have easily pressed the issue, sure it’d result in protracted negotiations that’d likely result in heightened tensions, but eventually Handy felt the High King would twist Joachim’s arm into giving him up. What changed? It didn’t make sense from his perspective. An ugly thought crept into his head. What if that was what this was about? What if this was the final backroom negotiation with the human as the griffon’s chip? All Aleksander would have to do was keep Joachim in the dark and in the middle of Canterlot where he couldn’t back out of surrendering his friend before it was too late. He liked to think Joachim would put up more of a fight than that, but Handy was a politically minded animal himself, he had to at least consider the possibility.
And here was his king giving him a get out of jail card so he could avoid the danger altogether probably coming to the same possibility himself. He almost jumped upon the opportunity immediately, but then he considered it for a minute. First of all, he was Joachim’s closest knight, something that caused a little consternation with his peers, but it’s not his fault he got stuck with Joachim ever since the Everfree. If he stayed behind he’d end up with whispers of cowardice. The human? The Storm Breaker, the Nightbane, afraid of a pair of pretty pink pony princesses? Yeah no thanks, it was his pride talking more than his practicality, granted, but he’d didn’t respond well to humiliation.
He tapped his fingers thoughtfully on the arm rest. If his reputation here was like this, he can only imagine what a stir his appearance in Canterlot, the heart of the pony kingdom, would cause. Oh he was probably forgotten about there by now, but he smiled at the idea of scaring the piss out of the ponies. Sides, he’d like to see the looks of the pony guards, standing mere feet from him and unable to touch him to avenge their own humiliation at his hands. Assuming of course he wasn’t being handed over.
He sighed, it was stupid. Probably terminally stupid, but the prospect appealed to him, and he needed to get out Skymount before he killed his alchemists for their latest madness. He had to pay to rebuild the same wing of the guild twice since he bought it. Once because it burned down in alchemical fire, another because a potion had turned a griffon into the hulk. For all of five seconds you understand, but still.
Ah well, nothing ventured and all that. He declined Joachim’s offer and got up, excusing himself. As he elected to go to the kitchens to fix himself some breakfast. He reached the door when something clicked. “Cecilia…” He said. Joachim looked up, wide eyed. “Wasn’t that the name of Stormcrown’s dau-”
“OH LOOK AT THAT, TIME FOR MY SHOWER, OUT!” Handy found himself being pushed out the door as it slammed behind him. He chuckled at the sudden realization. The guard stammered as he woke up.
“Huh, wha?” He said intelligently. Handy ignored him as he walked away.
Looks like he wasn’t the only one with regrets this morning.
--=--
He had his armour repaired and polished. His pet blacksmith, Hammerfeather, was a wonder worker. True, the patches of his armour that were repaired no longer resonated with the sun or moonlight, leaving a noticeable absence of sparkling faggotry across the repaired parts of his armour and mail, but you know what? At least when out of light it now looked like how his armour should, he could live with that. True, the parts of his armour that Shortbeak had broken through did have a slight discolouration from the rest of his silvered steel, but it was passable, at least it was not the horrid slapdash job he had before. He had the nose guard fixed to his helmet again and the enchanted cloth had been re-sown as per his instructions, rather than replaced. From the outside it was still black as sin and nobody could see his face through the T slit, from the inside however, Handy could see everything normally, with the exception of few unenchanted threads going diagonally across his vision. Which is exactly as annoying as it sounds.
He had appointed a young, nerdy looking griffon as a manager to look after the management of his properties while he was away, Klipwing was it? Yeah that sounded right, some low level court functionary from some backwater family who needed something to do around court. He had made some not so subtle threats that he had better not come home to find the griffon had been embezzling or other such shenanigans, Klipwing assured him his integrity was impeccable. Handy had smiled. Klipwing had shivered.
He had several concerns about the journey, particular about his new… tastes, Equestria being strictly vegetarian made it particularly inconvenient. He’d rather not spark an international incident because he happened to be peckish so he did a little scrounging utilising his new resources. It had been easy to use his contacts at the brewery to score some enchanted containers from the local hospitals, friends with access to a few ‘missing’ crates of ale were good to have after all. The containers were capable of keeping blood uncoagulated and fresh so long as they are kept closed. The blood in question came from a local butcher’s. Several butchers in fact, he had bought quite a bit of meat, citing ‘reasons’, as cover for what he really wanted. He had paid for the blood, ordinarily this wouldn’t be a problem, but considering his reputation he had to make sure the butcher’s didn’t start telling any tales and had intimidated them into silence as well as greasing a few claws.
With that little problem curtailed, he took his formal wear in his pack, just in case he didn’t end up in a huge fight in Canterlot. It paid to be prepared to not have to fight everyone you meet, you know, just in case. Handy smiled wryly at that, who was he kidding? If he made it back without a broken limb he’d call it a sign of the end times. King Johan only took several of his knights with him when they finally set out to rendezvous with the High King, Handy had thought they’d be taking the train.
Nope.
Chariot.
Handy had questioned the practicality of this method of travel, mounting the vehicle and standing behind Joachim, leaning casually against the high back of the chariot. He chucked when he saw several guard griffons hooked up to the harnesses in front of the chariot, what were they going to do? Pull them all the way to Equestria? There was a sudden jolt as the griffons took off at a run, wings outstretched and took to the air. He clung for dear life while Joachim merely chuckled at the Human’s inexperience with unshielded flight. Ever fly in a plane? Remember that sudden jolt as the Plane finally takes off from the ground and the sensation of weightlessness that causes your stomach to rise? Imagine that. All the time. You’ve now got a rough idea of what flying in a chariot is like. Also windchill, lots and lots of windchill. Tanismore, Frederick, Godfrey and Geremy flew alongside them, flanking the chariot as it travelled through the air. He had biting remarks to throw at them in response to their jibes about his unease flying in such a manner but he bit them down. It was not that he feared flying, but you try to travel at well over eighty miles an hour in the sky, with nothing between you and open air other than an elegant and flimsy looking, gilded guard rail.
The journey took a few hours before they landed in the town of Shorn. There were a large number of armoured griffons in the air, armour glinting in the sun and a commotion in the town below, looks like the High King had arrived before them. They had landed easily enough, but not as much as Handy would have liked and Joachim walked into town to meet his liege lord. Aleksander was an… impressive specimen. Double the size of even the biggest griffon he had seen, Aleksander easily had a few inches on Handy while sitting down. He had golden feathers and a rich black fur coat and a red beak and claws. His calm, green eyes alighted upon the younger king and he smiled.
“Ah, young Blackwing! It’s good to finally meet you griffon to griffon!” He said, his smile was soft and his eyes were sad. “Our condolences on the loss of your most illustrious father, we can only apologise we were not able to attend his funeral.” The High King had said. Joachim bowed low, Handy and the knights followed suit.
“It is an honour, your majesty.” Joachim had replied. The king did not look at Handy or the other knights throughout the following conversation, if he had an opinion on Geoffrey or the circumstances surrounding Joachim’s sudden reversal of his kingdom’s fortunes, he was tactful enough to not breathe a word of it. Handy decided he liked the bird. It was in the proceeding day that Handy learned Joachim was not the only illustrious personage the High King had summoned to his side, two more chariots had alighted upon the town of Shorn, the kings of Firthingart and the Hebridean Isles had arrived. King Goldtooth of Firthingart was an elderly looking brown griffon, blind in one eye, Thunderstorm of the Hebridean Isles was a cocky looking bastard with a quick wit. Handy didn’t think a griffon with wings as small as his could be so confident in such impressive company, but he held his own and earned a begrudging respect from the human, his sly jokes about him being ‘Johan’s Shadow’ aside of course.
It was in the ensuing overnight stay that Handy had learned the purpose of the visit was just a casual reaffirmation of treaties between the two kingdoms, the three petty kingdoms represented with him on this visit had various reasons to be there. Gethrenia, being the first stop from Equestria and the last before the train left griffon territory was strategically placed and deserved representation. The Hebridean Isles did a lot of trading with the eastern Pony cities of Manehatten and Bridle Bay and Firthingart often competed heavily with the south western desert kingdom of Concordia when it came to breaking into the equestrian steel market. The other two kings seemed to audibly groan at Aleksander’s confirmation of the cause of their visit, he had asked Joachim about it, but he shrugged, he vaguely remembered Gerhart going to a similar meeting years before and muttering something about it being almost as bad as ‘The Summit’ when he arrived home, whatever that was.
Handy did not understand why this all could not be achieved with diplomats instead of bringing the head of the entire Griffon kingdom and three powerful vassals to the table, but of course, he held his peace. The night passed without incident aside from a near confrontation between Tanismore and a knight from Firthingart, a knight belonging to the high king put paid to that before it got out of control. Geremy had groaned something about wishing Shortbeak was with them, she was usually good at keeping Tanismore in his place. It was going to be a few days travel to Canterlot by air and Handy did not care for being in the sky that long, but what could you do? Walk? He popped one of his containers and downed its contents, might as well slake his thirst for the next week. He grimaced. Things about being a vampire: Blood tastes very, very different. Animal blood, at least from slaughtered animals, tasted dull and lifeless and dark, not appetizing honestly. Griffon blood on the other hand…
He shook his head.
--=--
It was another glorious day in Canterlot. Didn’t stop her groaning internally at the prospect of the day ahead.
“-I searched everywhere, but I couldn’t find any reference to anything like him in the annals of Equestrian history, outside of some old mare’s tale up north, but that only mentioned the creature by name, nothing about what his kind is or even looks like-”
She smiled lightly. Her former student on her left hoof side, recounting off everything she had learned to try to fulfil the quest she had put her on over a month ago. For the thirty-seventh time. They had learned much about the human since that day, or well they think they did, once they sorted the hay from the chaff, it didn’t help his actions only confused matters.
“-It shouldn’t even be possible for a primate to move its arms like that, so of course, I was quite fascinated, so I had consulted the local primatologists here in Canterlot-”
Particularly its actions in the badlands town of Pawstown where he was practically a local hero, but one that was not on the side of the law after he had coerced the release of several captive changelings. Now that just confounded her further, Chrysalis’ letter made it seem as if he was more a problem of hers rather than an agent, but there he went, helping out changelings which would seem to contradict those sentiments. It was probably the bitter queen attempts at playing head games… Or the human was merely using her, if the reports of larger movements of changelings in the Badlands were true, then that meant whatever the human had done down there had drawn them to a central location.
Now… the rumours she heard emerging from the Griffon kingdom about the human worried her all the more. The prince that the human had been traveling with had usurped the throne and his king and brother died not long after. That was entirely too coincidental for her tastes, perhaps she was too ready to conjure those horseapples about mistaken identity to save face, not a week out of her reach and the human helped overturn a kingdom! The possibility that this creature this… Human is acting merely in Chrysalis’ interests was now losing credibility. Which only raised more concerns… Who was he really working for, and why? She would be sure to enquire about the matter of Gethrenia with Aleksander when he arrived. Subtly, of course, it was a kingdom on their border, its only natural they be concerned. Once they got over the usual, ahem, pleasantries that came with negotiations with the griffons that were nothing of the sort.
“-That led to another line of study of course, I am still waiting on the doctor to get back to me with the results but if I am right, I feel-”
“Most diligent of thee, Magic.” Luna interjected, her smile beatific, but Celestia knew she was as tired as she was with listening to Twilight’s ramblings. “Thy dedication to your studies does you esteem, but I ask thee to come back to the matter at hoof. It is important you experience diplomatic affairs personally, as is befitting your position.” Luna added. Twilight blinked several times, as if surprised.
“Oh!” She said at last. “Right, focus.” She said turning to face the grand hall before them. The three sat upon the raised dais in the central hall, usually reserved for private functions. The walls’ elegant marble walls and pillars resplendent in the light pouring from the high ceilinged plain glass windows. There were distant trumpet calls, announcing the arrival of their expected guests at the gates to the castle. Celestia breathed in, this was going to be a long week. The guards stood to attention as banners were held high and proud. She could sense the nervousness of the young princess beside her and leaned over to nuzzle her, encouraging her.
“You’ll do wonderful, just don’t appear surprised.” Celestia warned. Twilight was confused.
“Surprised? I’ve seen griffons before.” Twilight responded. Celestia resisted the urge to roll her eyes, previous meetings with Aleksander had proven… Eventful. She swears, you can’t prank someone’s ancestor without their descendants never letting you live it down anymore. She wonder, briefly what his little gimmick will be this time. It took them a month to find the baby Tatzlworm he had ‘gifted’ Celestia with at the last meeting by hiding it away on her chariot back home, by then it had gotten into the cellar and the seven hundred year old wines were ruined, she had sulked for the remainder of the year, that century had excellent vintages too.
Which was why she had brought Twilight with her this time. Oh yes, it was important that the newly minted princess is exposed to all the rigours of royal duties one bit at a time, but she fully intended to sic her ever curious student on good king Aleksander after she drops some bombshells about the more interesting aspects of Griffon culture she knew for a fact Twilight hadn’t studied yet. She smiled lightly at the thought, hearing the distinctive clatter and flutter of wings as the griffon party advanced through the castle to the reception hall. Oh yes, little Aleksy, you aren’t so big yet she can’t pull one over on you. Nothing you could do-
The doors opened to fanfare, banner baring griffons advanced before the royal party. High King Aleksander strolled regally down the hall, head held high, his three vassals and their entourages advanced behind him. Celestia slowly raised her eyebrows, Luna’s eyes widened, Twilight’s head tilted. ’Dang it Aleksy!’ She thought. ’Really!? You bring it along with you? Really!?’
If Aleksander was aware of the momentary lapse in decorum, he did not show it. He approached the base of the dais and performed a flourishing bow. “Princesses Celestia, Luna, always a pleasure to meet with you both once more!” He had stated, giving a polite nod of the head to Twilight. “And of course, Princess Twilight, I do not believe I have had the pleasure, but I have heard such good things about you!”
The princesses did not respond immediately. The guards in the room, sensing their princesses’ discomfort, stood stock still. The griffons noticed and Handy saw more than a few wings twitching. He kept his hand close to his warhammer. He moved his head ever so slightly to look at Joachim, who was unmoving, he briefly considered if he made the wrong decision. Sure, it was worth it to see the ponies of Canterlot stare at him in superstitious fear, and the expression on a familiar white Pegasus guard’s face as the party passed under the portcullis was utterly priceless. Now, standing here, in front of the princesses, he wasn’t so sure. He was surprised to see them, three of them actually, he thought Equestria was a Diarchy? Perhaps the purple one was a daughter of one of them. He had been told they were Alicorns but he had no idea what that meant until he saw them. Horns and wings? That’s just greedy, what are you? Changelings?
Also they were staring rather pointedly at him, as if surprised to see him there. Which just made him worry, he had considered two possibilities when he learned the High King asked for his presence alongside King Johan: He was going to be turned over to their custody for whatever nefarious purposes in a cynical political pacification ploy, or he was there as a showpiece, ‘look at me, I got a pet bogeyman!’. In neither scenario did he imagine the princesses would not be told he was coming. Perhaps it was a deliberate insult? He was the cause of the earlier diplomatic kerfuffle between the two kingdoms afterall, and the king had managed to get the princesses to recant their position and probably just took Handy along to wave him in front of their faces.
“Ahem.” Aleksander breathed. The princesses seemed to snap out of their reverie and looked back at him, surprised.
“Yes! So very good to see you, Aleksander.” Celestia recovered quickly, her calm demeanour and smile returning. “How was your trip?”
“Pleasant as always, Equestria is always so beautiful this time of year.”
“You flatter us.” Celestia said.
“We had the pegasi ensure the weather was amiable on thy projected flight.” Luna added, smiling. Twilight tried to remain focused on the back and forth between the two parties, but her eyes kept darting back at the human, she tapped her hoof lightly in impatience. This did not escape Handy’s attention.
’Take a picture, it’ll last longer.’ Handy snarked internally, thankful his face was hidden beneath his helm, allowing him to look at who he pleased without fear of being noticed. He noted, although it was hard to judge from where he stood, the princesses were substantially larger than most ponies. Well the white one and the blue one at any rate. The purple one was actually average sized for a pony, perhaps just a big bigger. If he had to guess, the White one was only slightly larger than Chrysalis had been, horn was just as long though, the blue one was noticeably smaller but still bigger than most. Chrysalis, Aleksander, the Princesses, he supposed it was safe to assume on this world if it was bigger than all its fellows, it probably called the shots.
He had barely paid attention to the polite nonsense being traded back and forth between the king and the two main princesses, but the tension in the room at least seemed to have died down just a tad because of it. It was not to last however. Aleksander began introducing his three vassal kings after stating the purpose of his visit was to discuss the particulars of trading agreements between the two kingdoms, with the three representative kingdoms being key in that regard. The three kings advanced to stand beside Aleksander as they traded pleasantries with the princesses. Handy was all too happy to stand back with the knights and let it take its course.
It went swimmingly until the princesses addressed Joachim himself. The tone was stiffer and more formal.
“Greetings, King Johan Blackwing.” Celestia had intoned, her smile still present but her eyes were… harder. Her sister, Luna had a more disapproving look gracing her features, the purple one seemed to pick up on the strange tension and watched curiously, finally tearing her gaze away from the human. “Our condolences on your recent loss” She added. Joachim had bowed slightly.
“My thanks, Princess Celestia, King Gerhart is at peace, his suffering now at an end.” He had said.
“Indeed.” Celestia said softly. Her eye, the one not covered in mystical flowing hair, looked up briefly at the human. Handy did not like what he saw in that glance. She looked back down at Johan. “We look forward to discussing affairs with you, although it is now ancient history I would still like to apologise to you in person for past misunderstandings.”
“It is not really necessary, your highness, but I will not deny you.” Johan had said in response.
“Excuse me.” A voice piped up, Joachim looked up at Twilight, surprised, Celestia eyed her former student with a raised eyebrow. “But is that the human we have heard so much about?” She asked, pointing directly at Handy with a hoof. All eyes were on him, he visibly stiffened.
’Oh shit.’
Joachim blinked and then turned to Twilight. “I… Yes, that is Sir Handy of Milesia, Baron Haywatch.” He answered.
“Oh, would it be at all possible if we could speak with him?” Twilight asks, a hopeful smile on her muzzle. Luna’s mouth fell open in surprise, the smile on Celestia’s face widened as her eye twinkled in mischief. If Handy didn’t like the previous look in her eye, he didn’t like this any better.
’Really? Just like that? Middle of a really important meeting and you just blurt out something like that? What, were you raised in a field? Why don’t you just burst in on a wedding rehearsal and scream bloody murder while you’re at it?’ Handy thought, disbelievingly.
“I uh… I don’t think that’d quite be appropriate… I mean…” Joachim stammered, blindsided by the request.
’Oh no, don’t you sell me out Joachim.’ Handy glared at his king, the bird had looked back at Handy, he could practically see the gears turning in his head. ’Come on man, you owe me.’
“I don’t think-” Joachim continued.
’Good lad.’
“Of course!” Boomed the voice of Aleksander.
’Oh come on! I thought you were cool!’ Handy whined internally. Looking between the king, Joachim, Twilight and the princesses.
“But my lord!” Joachim tried to protest but flagged under the warm look Aleksader gave him, the big bird was smiling gently as if this were all perfectly reasonable. Joachim, tapped the floor with a claw as he turned back to Handy. “Sir Handy, would you care to indulge her highness?” He asked. Handy reeled.
’Bollocksbollocksbollocksbollocks.’ ”It… Would be an honour, my lord.” The eyes of the entire hall were upon him that moment, he had been prepared for a lot of things, including massive violence and shouts of ‘Seize him!’ What did he get? A pretty pink princess asking pretty please and the entire hall turned against him. ’Bollocksbollocksbollocks-’
“But there’ll be plenty of time for that later.” Aleksander continued, “I imagine you’ll have plenty of time to pursue your questions before Joachim here needs to return home to Skymount. Now, if that will be all your highnesses, it has been a rather long journey.” Aleksander said. Celestia nodded in understanding.
“Of course, the guest wing has been prepared accordingly, I imagine you all would very much like the time to get settled in before dinner.” She added.
“Perceptive as always, my dear.” Aleksander said. And just like that, the meeting was over and the crowd departed the hall. Joachim smiled sheepishly at Handy, who was busy glaring at Aleksander.
“Sorry.” Joachim had said as the two gathered with the knights and guard griffons of Skymount. Tanismore snickered.
“Looks like somegriffon’s caught a princess’ eye.” He jibed as they exited the hall. Handy glared down at him as they walked on.
“Laugh it up, short stuff.” Handy warned, remembering to keep his noble airs about when outside of private conversation with Joachim. “Just remember when we get back thou art mine sparring partner and I got a lot of stress to work out.”
“Ohhhh, scary.” Tanismore chuckled.
“And what was with the stammer back there?” Handed rounded on Joachim as they marched on, making sure to not speak so loudly that the passing gilded, pony guards could overhear them. Nevermind the other griffon representatives.
“I didn’t expect her to just ask that.” Joachim protested.
“Even so, thou could’ve at least found a quick, polite way to say no! You’re really straining this friendship.”
“Hey! Look, I tried to let you avoid all this, you insisted on coming! I couldn’t just override what the High King said!”
“Yeah, well, still!”
--=--
The doors closed slowly and Celestia’s horn lit up the very moment they shut to cast a spell to prevent sound from escaping. She knew what was going to come.
“THE NERVE!” Luna shouted in the royal Canterlot voice, “SHOWING UP WITH THAT, THAT THING!” She snorted. Twilight clapped her hooves excitedly.
“I know!? Isn’t it exciting!? We’ll finally get to learn more about the human, straight from the source! Oh, oh, I wonder what kind of magic he has!”
“MAGIC, THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR FRIVILOUS PURSUITS OF KNOWLEDGE! THERE IS A CRIMINAL STAYING IN THIS VERY CASTLE, NEIGH, AN ENEMY OF THE CROWN! IN THE HOOF OF THE CHANGELINGS!”
“The pursuit of knowledge is never frivolous!” Twilight huffed. “Think of all we could learn!”
“HE ATTACKED ROYAL GUARDS! HE BIT A PONY!”
“Yeah well… Ok that is kind of bad…” Twilight admitted. “But it’d be even worse if we just chase him off without learning anything!”
Celestia let the two bicker for some time, thinking to herself. The human did not seem entirely too pleased at the idea of being asked questions personally by a princess, clearly he had not expected the possibility. This was an advantage she could not afford to waste. Her eyes narrowed, one way or another, she was going to ensure the safety of her ponies.
--=--
’You have got to be fucking kidding me.’
Handy was experiencing high level political diplomacy first hand. Or well, what passed for it anyway. You see, dinner was less a time of pleasant conversation punctuated by the consumption of succulent delicacies, and more an organized food fight. Oh it had all started off well enough, himself and the other knights had ate rations while they organized rotas for guarding their charges and their rooms at the west wing barracks which had been emptied for quite some time since they arrived. So when they arrived in the dining hall for dinner, they were treated to the usual fair, servants coming out to serve drinks and plates.
It all went well until Luna mentioned something about three kilofeathers of steel arriving late in Stalliongrad, King Goldtooth objected, stating the deliveries had been sent on time, but their couriers had been told they had been outbidded by merchants from Concordia when there was to be no such bid, considering the contract had been signed to be fulfilled in three years’ time subject to change only on breach. Celestia correct him citing Equestrian law, the king of the Hebrides muttered something about several shiploads of cloth going ‘missing’ on the route to Manehatten and made unflattering comments about Equestria’s naval security.
It… escalated from there. Now no one had actually raised claw nor hoof against each other just yet. But not for lack of trying, mind. More than once Handy found himself having to raise his shield against errant pieces of cake and salad. Not because he was trying to protect Joachim you understand, no that bird could fend for himself for all he cared, he was trying to keep his armour and cloak clean, the rest of the guards mostly feeling idle and helpless stood as they were against the walls watching the chaos that was dinner unfold before them. Their pony counterparts seemed to be having a similar experience.
It had went on like that for hours, what was to be a mere five course meal consumed in the course of two hours, three if conversation was particularly vigorous, ended up to be a veritable jubilee of shenanigans and endless bickering.
“THINE MERCHANDISE IS LACKING!”
“LIKE THE LIMESTONE FROM HAUNCHVALE?”
“THAT WAS THAT ONE TIME AND THOU KNOWETH IT!”
It was actually getting pretty heated as words turned angry and there were daggers layered beneath tongues as rather regrettable sentences spilled forth. Handy feared the King of the Hebrides was threatening a raid on Manehatten given the way the conversation was turning, and the tone in Celestia’s voice had turned distinctly unfriendly. However, salvation came in the form of glorious ice cream. No, really. The servants came in with several carts loaded down with the stuff and hurriedly placed bowls in front of the royal guests. The guards too, Handy was bewildered when the haggard looking maid handed… Hoofed him a bowl of ice cream. He stood there awkwardly, looking down at his bowl in confusion, then back up at the gathered dignitaries who had quietened down immediately and ate away at the frozen milk. No, more than that… They looked happy… Contented even.
He’d later learn that the stubbornness of negotiations betwixt the Kingdoms of Griffons and Equestria was the stuff of fucking legend. Pretty much all interactions on a diplomatic level happened between heads of state out of necessity, both kingdoms, almost as if it were tradition, systematically shouted down and refused the petitions of diplomats and representatives. This was either the fault of the pretention of the celestial sisters or the arrogance of the griffons, depending on who was telling the story of course. After the first dozen threats of war over fucking bolts of cloth, the kitchen staffs of both kingdoms, through arcane wisdom known only to scullery maids, discovered that the one surefire way to defuse a tense situation was ice cream. Lots of it. Handy… Had no God-damn words. None, he… He just couldn’t… How do you even deal!?
He was tapped on the shoulder. It was Frederick, looks like his shift was up, Handy thanked God, as it looked like their royal highnesses had finished their ice cream and were starting to talk quietly again. He’d rather not be here when the conversation got lively, good God, so he left the hall and walked down the hallway to the barracks. He almost wished-
A flash of light and he was dazzled. He blinked away the stars rapidly. Before him was purple. Well that was not right, it was the alicorn, the purple one, where the hell did she come from? He was the only one in the corridor just a second ago. She was leaning on her forehooves, wings extended and her face was all up in his grill. Literally, a centimetre closer and she’d be smushed against his helmet. He leaned back instinctively, holy shit those eyes were huge.
“Help you, Highness?” He said, knowing all too well what the pony wanted with him and silently cursing Aleksander. The pony smiled brightly and hopped excitedly on her hooves.
“Ohhhh yes! Yes! Do you mind if you could answer a few of my questions? If its not too much trouble, I mean, I saw you leave the dining room and figured you had a few minutes free so I tried to see if I could borrow you!” She said, Handy withheld a sigh, feeling very much like a patient being asked to sign over to medical experimentation because he had a rather exotic disease. Which he did, which only made the comparison more annoying to him. Handy glanced about, nope, none of the knights were about, a couple of wary judgemental glares from day guard ponies as he had learned they were called. He had considered just pushing passed her and making a run for it but he’d probably not get far without causing more trouble than he can handle. She was a princess afterall.
“I… Suppose I can make some time.” Handy said. He swear, she actually fucking squeed.
“Oh excellent! To think I can finally get your side of the story!”
“Story?”
“Yes! There are so much conflicting speculation about humans from what ponies saw of you, I mean, aheh, there are even some who say you slew a dragon single handedly! Such silly things like that, I’d like to get to the truth of the matter.” She said. Handy thought for a moment.
“Truth you say?” He said, gears turning in his head. All he had to do was answer this princess’ questions? That’s it? “I suppose I could tell you the truth…” He said, a wicked thought coming together in his head. So long as he didn’t lay a hand on her, he did nothing wrong right? If Aleksander decided to put him on the spot like this, the least he could do was enjoy himself.
“Oh! Yes! Would you? It’d be a great additional to study a new species like yourself face to face.”
“Of course, your highness.” Handy said, smiling beneath his helmet.
This pony wanted a story huh? Fine.
Handy would give her a story.
Its official: Rarity jacked Handy's swag.
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ok, its time for you to post another, my fast typing friend.
This, as most things, will not end well for Handy. Again.
Rarity acquired some of that faggotry, it seems.
This story is amazing. It's also extremely amazing how fast you post these.
Now I really want to see what goes down...
Honestly, how much bullshit is he going to tell Twi?
Then again, telling the truth (alien from a planet devoid of magic, member of the apex predator and only sapient specie with billions of individuals and technological advances making all of you look poor primitives, including superweapons of mass destruction) may not be a good idea.
... Cadence is best princess. Ahem, I mean Empress.
Every guy is like that, so don't feel bad Handy. Well, except for some of the more 'girly' ones...
live.drjays.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Obama.jpg
Gah! There goes the weaponized armor and magical protection!
img.sadistic.pl/pics/131cae59fbfa.jpg
High King be trollin'
Man, it's like he knows her past or something.
Oh, he is. He is...
This would be everyone's response in this situation.
Gentlemen, BEHOLD! The power of... Ice Cream!
Celestia, do you even diplomacy?
It seriously sucks that Handy lost his anti-magic armor. I get why you did it, but it's starting to grate on my nerves when I see a human be magic's bitch. Like, what the hell; they're from another dimension entirely, and therefore should work on different universal rules! But then again, if Handy was immune or highly resistant to magic the prologue would be different.
4025607 The armour has not lost all of its magic resistance, only the repaired portions have, being fixed with reforged steel., the majority of it still functions as normal, its more I gave his armour critical weak points to up the tension in future fights rather then just have him be a walking talking anti magic rod, makes it more interesting and prevents Handy from getting too cocky... Not that thats ever going to stop him. He still needs to wear his cloak outside so that he doesnt accidentally blind people.
Is there any chance of Handy gaining special powers when he gets a taste of Alicorn blood?
He`s going to troll Twilight and its going to do one of two things,
1. it will horribly backfire on him
or
2. it will work too well.
Epic...foreshadowing?
Oh Handy, when will you learn that your ideas usually backfire in unexpected and often highly entertaining ways?
"Thine Merchandise is lacking", gotta remember that one.
It's
What's
It's
Double space between 'Aleksander' and 'after', mayhaps a period after 'Aleksander'?
Bit
White is unnecessarily capitalized, maybe could be if you capitalized Luna and Twilight's respective colors as well, but as is, lowercase 'W'
Handy
Am I the only one who really wants to punch Luna?
Hey Edward Cullen, this is how you shine like a boss, bitch. -Handy
Its ever so easy dear. I don't rightly know how you suck so much at it. -Rarity
(I don't like gay sparkly vampires)
6667328 No one does, but a badass motherfucker who is (possibly, I forget if it came up) straight, has several shitlists, boss armour and a fucking warhammer that's centuries old... I don't think I'm gonna go fucking with that particular sparkling vampire. Anyone feel like they can... it was not nice knowing you, you fool.
Maybe we should give the leaders of the world some icecream.
7451665 Bet you Kim jong il and Putin are lactose intolerant.
It'd explain why they both have no chill.
eth, th endings are for 3rd person, 2nd person would be -est or an irregular form
She wondered/wonders, briefly what his little gimmick would/will be this time.
Aleksander continued, “I imagine you’ll have plenty of time to pursue your questions before Johan here
*I don't think the high king would use a nickname to refer to his vasal
The Title Tally!: Sir Handy The Milesian of Skymount, Pale One, The Heartless, (Undead) Dragon Slayer, Hectoir's bane, Nightbane, Storm Breaker, Baron Haywatch, Johan's Shadow/The King's Shadow.
Sure there's no way THIS will backfire in anyway. Lol
5908206
I believe Handy might share the sentiment.
As adorable as that term is, even if its the equivalent of kilograms, steel is heavier than feathers.
i.ytimg.com/vi/OHdp9Qf2z-w/maxresdefault.jpg
9649842
there the seme weeght
This makes me curious, who's our narrator?
10877845
old comment, and im probably wrong as fuck, but from what ive read so far im guessing its discord
this is probably my only real problem with this fic. Celestia is presented as a competent politicker, and yet she has no idea of Geoffrey's corruption of the kingdom. Surely that would be just as big of news as Johan returning?
11649105
Почему нет? Будь тебе даже 10 000 лет, ты не можешь знать все. Это королевство даже не было самым большим, вы ведь знали это? Как будто у Селестии мало забот о собственном государстве.
Не переоценивайте божественных аликорнов.