On a dark and foggy night, Twilight receives some visitors. That is the last anyone ever hears from her.
All of of her friends and family go on a desperate search to find her, but it is all to no avail and they give up on the search. Years turn into centuries, eventually adding up to a thousand years since her disappearance, but Equestria has never forgoten her.
After a thousand years, Twilight returns with no memory of who or where she is. Her captors give her a new name and title for her, but not only that, but she has also been given an assignment, to destroy Princess Celestia.
But is there something much more to her captor than just ruling Equestria? With the help of a group of friends, one princess will see just how magic can be used, whether for good,
or evil.
•••
I would like to thank 1Jaz for this great drawing. Well done man!
And a big thanks Ephraim Blue for editing this story!
Okay. This will be interesting to read. I can't wait for the next chapter.
I just saw the artist on Friday!I forgot who it is...
I'mma read all of this!
Okay, first of I'm kinda interested where this is going, but secondly you really need a proofreader with that much grammatical errors.
It can be found on deviantart here.
By the way, all you have to do is go to google.com, click 'images' in the top right and click the camera icon on the search bar to search by image.
't.ime' is supposed to be 'Time'
'Gonna' and 'Moment.'
'the' kitchen door, not 'they,' and 'locked' instead of 'Iocked' (The second one is spelled with an 'I'
Again, 'gonna' and when you finish what one person is saying, you add a new paragraph.
'Crisis,' and 'has been,' not 'was been'
'thrown,' not 'throne'
'I need'
In 'the' middle of court.
'Have,' and 'announced'
fell in 'line' next 'to' the princesses.
"what 'is' it that 'you' wanted to tell me about'?'"
Celestia 'said' with her head down...
I will see 'you' soon.
I know that I'm pointing out these mistakes may be bothering to you, but seeing so many is hard to ignore. I mean no offence.
Twilight's parents' house and the 'it' in 'she lifted a hoof and knocked it on the door' isn't required, but isn't necessarily a mistake.
This entire thing needs to be separated when a new person speaks. 'Are parents home?' needs to have 'your' in there. Lastly, it needs a period at the end, not a comma.
Princess 'Celestia' and 'They' and 'rise'
Okay, there are many more mistakes, but I'm tired, and I want to make this clear.
I was wondering if you could use an editor. I would be happy to help fix this story of its mistakes.
Spelling and grammar need major work.
amazing, I want to see the next, I'll be waiting.
That is sinister. Great job. I wonder will anything be able to wake up Twilight. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Thanks for noticing me. I can't wait to see where this goes! Its so addicting! If you would like me to find more mistakes for you, let me know. I know you want to fix them yourself, but if you need me to spot them, I would be happy to help.
Looking good. Poor Twilight first evil armor then what next evil cape, evil crown, evil tower ,where will the evil stop. Loving it! Keep Writing my friend.
4140998
i.imgur.com/QddufHc.gif
The main problem I have with this story is that Maxspell is extremely powerful, being able to cast spells like immortality, altering memories, and a corruption spell. Now the corruption spell would be fixed if you mentioned him using up most of hos hatred and giving it to Twilight, kind of like a battery transfering to another battery. The immortality would he fixed if instead of a spell, it was a potion that had to be renewed once and a while, like a age reversal potion. Maxspell altering Twilight's memories could be fixed by just mentioning how much easier it is to just wipe all of Twilight's memories than just parts, making it possible for him to cast the altered spell.
Another problem is when Twilight wakes up, she trusts Maxspell and Longspear completely, even with their bickering an such. When anyone wakes up from an extended length of time when in a coma, they have a bit of a freak out at first. Maxspell and Longspear should already have their act together so Longspear doesn't appear surprised, just very nervous. They would also need to be much more caring and sympathetic towards Twilight to earn her trust, as even if she doesn't have any memories and they claim to be Twilight's teachers, they have to act like it. They could use the excuse that Twilight was practicing powerful magic and it backlashes on her, erasing her memories, then they prove it to her by showing her stuff that either is hers (can be faked) or proves they are her teachers (can also be faked). Maxspell had 1000 years to plan for her to awaken, so he should have a concrete plan worked out.
Another problem is that Twilight just lets him pump her full of dark magic, without even flinching or knowing what it is. There is no apparant passage of time between Twilight waking up and her training, so it appears that as soon as she got up, they started training again. This is a problem if Maxspell wiped her entire memory, as stated earlier, as she wouldn't even know how to talk or do magic. All of Twilight's training that she did while younger and with Celestia would have been erased and she would have to relearn everything. Instead of just erasing her memories, Maxspell could have slowly altered them while she was in the coffin, letting it be possible to retain her basic skills and magic knowledge, but not knowing where it came from, which would be explained by Maxspell being her teacher.
I know that I essentailly rewrote the story, but I do find that these problems poke holes in your story. Some holes are ok, like how Maxspell could actually get the coffin or immortality spells, or how Longspear would do whatever Maxspell wants when she only stopped him from being thrown into prison, which he would most likely be absolved of if he brought Twilight back to Celestia. A great concept for a story and you have been headed in the right direction, as I really want this story to continue, even if the holes are left in. Keep up the good job and sorry for the giant wall of text.
Longspear is really not liking what he is seeing right now.
Horrible chapter. I absolutely hated it. Write no more chapters ever.
We're still celebrating April Fools Day, right?
Wow. A mind control spell too. Long spear needs to talk to the princesses asap if the apocalypse is to be avoided.
I couldn't help but laugh as I read that. I thought of this:
4167368 depends on when he reads it
We are still celebrating till the end of the day
She turned on the news.
And then she fainted.
"What happened he..." and then she fainted.
And then they all fainted.
omg both Luna AND Celestia fainted
Pinkie Pie party
I'll grab the cannons
i got the popcorn
you need an editor
It's pretty bad if I noticed the mistakes, and I don't notice grammar mistakes.
When are you going to update?
Shit just got real....
can't wait!!!
Longspear still hates using the sewers
0_o
4167359 Who is Longspear?
Will Twilight be badass in this story?
Yes Twi remember remember your friends slowly and painfully, remember that you killed your friend's descendant
and you also may just see your other friends descendants too who knows 
.
(Im getting excited for whatever comes next, also hoping you keep to that dark and sad tags
)
This wasn't sent to me for editing!!!
It looks like something is changing in Black Iron aka Twilight Sparkle.
4782081 F*ck me!!! I knew I was forgetting something! I hate myself! *Facehoof x3* I appologize greatly!
4782191 Well, I enjoyed the chapter nonetheless. The only thing you can hope for now is for everyone else not to point out your mistakes.
4782197 again I apologize. I needed to get this chapter up before I have to go and get my phone fixed tomorrow, and who knows how long that would take, plus this was the only free time I had before my mom takes it up for the night. Again I'm sorry! I should have remembered! Please don't be mad!
4782225 I'm not mad. Everyone makes mistakes.
4782234 thanks. I'll try to remember! And thanks for liking the chapter!
4782225 I'm going to guess longspear will betray maxspell and help twilight.
Please update soon!
5035168 I will try, but we can't guarantee anything, but we will update!
So Twilight just doesn't put up a fight at all? Can't she, I dunno, teleport?
Need help finding someone? Why not Discord?
5035564 wait until later
Throne into the dungeons?
Twenty seven percent of what?! This seems like it's being pulled out of nowhere.
Maxspell is so whiny and edgy. She's like a little girl who didn't get what she wanted for christmas, so now she's trying to burn down the tree. If rejection hurts her that much she really has no busy... doing anything. This story is pretty flawed on fundamental levels. Maxspell being so morally bankrupt. Twilight just going down without a fight, when even in S1 she faced off against Nightmare Moon by herself.
And honestly. HONESTLY! One thousand years is a long time to get over it. It's also a long time for Longspear to have a crisis of conscience and turn them in. Plus, Celestia's made of sturdier stuff than to just faint when she sees Twilight. I get that she's attached to her, but come on! You're really overplaying the drama here. People don't just pass out for no reason like that.
And where's Discord? No Tirek I can understand, this was started before the S4 finale, but really now.
This is a good idea, a really good idea, but your execution is overplayed, hyperbolic with everything from Maxspell's evil-evilness to Twilight's power, just all around beyond the suspension of disbelief.
5035622 Thanks for your little review, and here're a few things I just want to say:
1. That part about Celestia and Luna fainting, it was just an April Fools joke, ok?
2. Twilight isn't going down without a fight. I'm still trying to build up here.
3. It's just a fanfic. I mean, still try to keep it related to the show, but still, it's just a story.
But I still want to thank you for pointing out these holes in my story.
my little pwny, my little pwny, ah ah ah ah aaaah.
Twil-Iron is gonna ABSOLUTELY PWN TURDSPELL!!!!!!!!
