Hey everyone. I'll keep this simple, I am not anyone important. I am here to provide you with something, hopefully, interesting to read. So please, enjoy yourself!
It's a quiet walk home for two mares after their individual nights of music and noise. All they plan to do is go home and sleep. Little do they know, they will unexpectedly run into each other and have an interesting talk between old friends. Why does Vinyl always wear those violet shades even when she isn't performing for a crowd? First MLP One Shot. Comments are well appreciated. Please direct me to any errors you may find so they can be fixed! Thanks!
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I have to admit it was rather sweet.
3853051
I'm OK with sweet!
Thanks for reading.
Octavia's POV
'I am so glad to finally be on my way home. We were playing for so long, I just want to go to sleep. I don't know if I could even practice in the morning after that long and dreary ordeal.' I stopped in my tracks. 'What am I thinking, of course I would still practice my chello in the morning. Even if I played it non-stop for a week.' As I started to replay the notes from earlier in my head, I did not notice the pony infront of me. We collided face to face. After backstepping and trying to grasp what happened, I heard a familiar voice.
Should be cello.
in and front should be separated.
3863192 oh, and you misspelled "cello" again soon after this paragraph. Anyway, cute story, nice debut of your fanfic career.
3863208
Thank you for pointing these out!
I had to upload my un-edited version so all of the unnoticed mistakes
were still around.
Anyway thanks again! These will be corrected ASAP.
I love cute little stories like this. It was really well done. I was smiling for most of the fic. Keep up the good work! :3
Also, Ulqiorra is best arrancar.
3996666
Thanks for reading and I'm very glad that you enjoyed it!
I hope to get back in the writing mood soon.
P.S. - Ulquiorra FTW
this story.
it is good, wrire more please.
--END OF TRANSMISSION--
4002515
The words unsaid are what matter most.
Thank you for reading! I will hopefully get back into writing soon.
Thank for the support as well!
I like it! good story, good setting, good ending, and a good one shot!
and I hope to read more soon!
i'm watching you
4077213
Thank you for reading both of my stories and I'm glad you liked them so much!
Like I said in AO1O, I will be writing another story soon (not sure when). Thanks for the watch as well!
Dude! That was amazing! I'm pretty sure a fanfic reader has read it before! Amazing job!
4182321
Well I'm glad that you enjoyed it. This is probably the fic I am most proud of.
I really didn't put that much time into it but I did put some feeling into it, and to get as much praise and views as it has...
Just makes you feel good!
I recognize your style here. Well, for a first try, it is a good try ! The ship Vinyl/Octavia is a... "valeur sûre" ? Hmm... Something that always works anyway. And you're making it work the cute way.
The thing with vinyl's eyes is really cute to. That remember me that I wrote a fic were I explain that Vinyl is albinos, just tinting her mane and hiding her eyes for nopony to know about it ! ( But then, I was young and oblivious x) )
I see that you write only romances. I should read the others.
5581846
I'm very glad you decided to read more and that you enjoy it no less!
I am possibly most proud of this fic since it is my first and it did surprisingly well at a first attempt. I now realize it is not my most successful, but it will always remind me of how much I have developed through my writings.
Anyway, thanks for continuing your support of my work, it means a lot to see yet another person enjoy my fics!
An error: Friends is spelled wrong in the short description.
A run on sentence. Cut it into several sentences. Or don't.
Using "of course" here doesn't make sense. We have no reference within the story to tell us who it would be. You also go on, in the same paragraph nonetheless, to tell us who she is. This is just poor story structure.
There*
*Deep breath* Okay. there is a lot wrong right here, and I'm gonna be a pal and try to help you understand what.
First:
She, Octavia, starts doing something and does something else in the same sentence. Use periods in place of commas when an action changes.
Second: The paragraph goes from Octavia doing something to them both doing something back to Octavia doing something in the same section. Don't do that. Just... Just don't. You'll know why when you read it in another story.
Third (and not actually necessary, I'm just picky when it comes to orchestra things): I don't see why anypony would want to go through the notes again after the concert. After I'm done with a concert the last thing I'm doing is thinking about what went wrong. Unless of course there are plans to use the songs again in a future concert.
I'm gonna bother you about this one too. (I'm trying to help, I really am!)
Vinyl isn't in the street, she's on it. And, street, not streets. There's one of them.
When you do something like this, use graphic detail to your advantage. Set the stage.
Ex: "Vinyl? Is that you?" My voice carried itself through the dark street, it bounced off of the figure in front of me and echoed in the distant darkness of far away buildings. {This lets the reader know the streets are empty, that they're alone and that Octavia isn't just talking like a robot. That she has a real effect on the world around her. It's weird and hard to understand, but you are the the one that asked for critique.}
I'm gonna be a jerk again and nitpick.
This, in and of itself, is fine. But I, as a reader, want to be able to feel the character. I don't want to be told what's happening I want to be involved.
ex: "I'm not sure. I think it's just a night where you're just tired, ya' know?" The mare in the purple shades drifted lazily through her words and smiled a tired smile.{Not a perfect example, but do you see my point? Vinyl has some character, she's tired, it's been a long night and she's smiling nonetheless. Character is key, friend}
"You walked right into me." I don't see Octavia, a well versed cellist, ending a sentence with a preposition, do you? (See what I did there? Who's funny? I'm funny.)
This is what I want! I want Octavia and Vinyl to be aware of each other. To have a real feeling conversation! For the reader to be able to understand their feelings inside the tale you have spun.
First of all, how? It's the middle of the night no?
Secondly. aww. You almost had it! Using the same 'I could see her' really hurt the quality of this paragraph. Mix it up a little. like "She visibly tensed at the mention of removing her purple sunglasses"
Tell us how she feels! Is she annoyed? Is she just saying it dryly? TELL US WHAT IS HAPPENING! You can't just assume we know how she feels, tell us what you think is happening. IT"S YOUR STORY, YOU CONTROL EVERYTHING! Let us know how things sound, feel, taste, the whole nine yards.
YES! now we know what Tavi is thinking. What's going through her mind during the encounter. Needs more of this.
Redundancy is redundant
Missing some paragraph spacing here.
Try not to have two different characters do something in the same paragraph, it's a bad habit. You could replace the "I was confused now" with some description of how Vinyl sounds or even, "Now She was confusing me". That way it's still vinyl's action, but it affects Tavi.
"Yeah, actually there is" (missing a comma)
This is gonna take a while.
First. Missing paragraph space between "me." and ""No..."
Second. "No, it's..." (missing comma)
Third. "I love everything bout..." fix "bout" with either 'bout or about.
fourth. "...I haven't taken them of to date."" off*
fifth. I highly doubt subject matter of #4 is true. (Just didn't make sense to me)
sixth. "...I haven't taken them of to date."" Not really a personal issue if you ask me.
{just this section took me 20 minutes... ugh, I need a life}
Me likey this part a lot. A lot a lot. Good job with this part in particular.
Not critique. Just... Damn. What a pickup line. Smooth as butter my dude.
Other than the multiple characters in one paragraph, this is freaking awesome. Lovin' this part man.
Dammit! I really want to love this part because it's beautiful, but the annoying perspective issue in the middle ruined it for me.
Octavia says, "It was starting to be very hard to contain the blush on our faces. At was about as red as Vinyl's eyes." And, for one, she can't know how Vinyl is handling a blush, and two she says "it" after mentioning it as "our faces". Its wrong in a few ways and needs revision.
Liking someone and having a crush on them is really the same thing. My kindergarten days taught me that much.
Blech. This could be touching if it wasn't bad. [best way I could put it sorry]
For one. "Feel towards me that way" doesn't make sense. Should be, "Vinyl, you actually feel that way about me?" or something close.
And "I could not believe what I was hearing at first." while not technically wrong, this bothers me greatly.
also: "feel this about me."" Missing the word "way" between "this" and "about".
Well, shit. That's a buck load of wasted time.
And, she didn't know until today...
Dude, I need to start taking, "hitting on chicks" classes with Vinyl, cause that was smooth as hell.
"Eventually Tavi said something." should be in another paragraph for dramatic effect.
*cough*Preposition at the end of a sentence. Grammatically incorrect Tavi is upsetting little old me*cough* I think I might be catching a cold.
Wait, what? Bewildered doesn't add up to laughter... I'm probably just tired and read this wrong.
OKAY! 2 hours of looking for and fixing errors, 3 cans of root-beer and searing back pain, this is done!
Now I can't guarantee I got everything because I got lazy near the end but I hope I made a lot of stuff a little better. If everything I said made sense it would be a miracle.
All of me being a jerk aside, I did really like this! The romance parts were really touching, and the premise was really neat.
Quality first story man, never stop writing if it's what you like doing.
-Yogi
I realize now that this is three years old and you probably already know all of the errors by now. ohhh that hurts. I'm not a bright cookie...
8335273
Wow you went to town on this thing!
I actually appreciate your input very much, and thank you for realizing this was a first attempt at writing and not criticizing the crap out of me. As for some of the grammatical errors, I was really writing this how people talk, so I didn't have to put in any extra work. The difference between the both of us is that I was lazy from the start. lol
I'm glad you liked it none-the-less and bothered to comment on this fossil of a fic!