• Member Since 25th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 15th, 2015

graceyadorable


HAVE A FUN DAY!

E
Source

Caramel has the biggest crush on Carrot Top. Every time he tries to talk to her, he chickens out! Big Mac tries to consul his younger cousin but not even his 'Eeyups' can help a heart broken stallion.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 9 )

Hmm. . .you need an editor. Overall great story. :twilightsmile:

4243765 if you want to edit you can. I can send you it on a word doc

4243769 I can log into your account or something, but you can PM me if you wanna play it safe. :scootangel:

4243769 Also, add Big Mac in the character tag area. :applejackunsure:

A week ago today, I vowed to comment on every fanfic I read. Here goes nothing.

In my humble-but-always-correct opinion, any Carrot Top story is a good story. But best pony notwithstanding, there are a few areas this story could improve upon.

First of all, your sentences are far too long. While they're still grammatically correct, it's hard to read without getting lost. For example, you said:

Caramel had been like a little brother to Big Mac since Big Mac had grown up in a household full of mares ever since the family lost Sweet Apple and Tangelo, Big Mac’s parents, in that fire many moons ago.

Now that is a mouthful. Break it up a little, bro. Not all your sentences have to be super long.

“Thanks for trying to help but my love life is more complicated than Daring Doo trying to get the sapphire statue back from Amuzoto,”

Don't be afraid of commas. They are your friends. Also, her name is spelled Daring Do, and his name is spelled Ahuizotl.

Caramel’s youngest cousin Applebloom and her friends Sweetie Bell and Skootaloo tried a love potion to get their schoolteacher Cheerilee to fall in love with Big Mac.

Their names are spelled Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Cherilee. If you're not sure how something is spelled, look it up. Google is your friend.

“Can we please just talk about it later. And with Rainbow Dash, isn’t she like engaged to Skylight Heart colt? Remember?”

The first sentence should end in a question mark, and you're missing a word in the second one. Errors like this are scattered throughout the fic; you should either give it another glance yourself or get a proofreader.

Skylight would seem shy but after you got to know him, he is a party animal!

Notice the tense shift? The way it stands, it breaks reader immersion. You should pick one tense and stick with it.

Behind the colts was a young Applejack. The young filly had seen more death in one summer than most had seen in a year. Guilt cringed the small filly’s heart. Applejack blamed herself for her parents’ death. “If only I had not gone into that raggedy old barn to look for Woona!! Maybe I wouldn’t had knocked over the fireworks with my clumsy tale and get Mamma and Papa to come in after me just to get me and Woona out and then die!?” Cried Applejack to herself. A familiar face met Applejack’s eyes.

As it stands, this isn't relevant to the story. It's also pretty badly handled. Death is a touchy subject, and it should be treated as such. Also, I think the name you were looking for was Winona. Woona is what the fandom refers to baby Princess Luna as, so I was pretty confused.

As a whole, the story is severely dialogue driven, to the point where it's really hard to read. Break it up some, throw in a few independent paragraphs. The story will benefit for it.

On the same hand, you might want to work on your character voices. Their quotes are long and windy, so I have a hard time believing they would actually say what they said. Ask yourself if the quote is something they would say in the show: if not, you're doing it wrong. Granted, since this is fanfiction you're given some leeway, but if I were you I'd go back and fix it up.

Finally, always remember: show don't tell! For example, you said this:

Caramel, on the other hoof, was a total klutz and hated going to social events!

Don't tell us he's a klutz, show us. Have him trip over his own hooves, or have him walk into a lamppost—anything works, so long as you show it.

Let me just finish by saying this list isn't necessarily complete. I've only pointed out one example of each error, and there were probably even some things I missed; I'm not perfect and I know it.

However, don't be disheartened by any of this. If I didn't think this story had potential, I wouldn't be writing this comment right now. I'll be patiently awaiting more, graceyadorable. I hope to see improvement; I know you can do it. Don't ever give up.

4244005 Private Message. You send me a message.

4244306 thanks for the input! I will try to edit it soon!!

Carrot Top is an amazing and needs more fanfics. Deffinatly favoring

Login or register to comment