Caramel has the biggest crush on Carrot Top. Every time he tries to talk to her, he chickens out! Big Mac tries to consul his younger cousin but not even his 'Eeyups' can help a heart broken stallion.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hmm. . .you need an editor. Overall great story.
4243765 if you want to edit you can. I can send you it on a word doc
4243769 I can log into your account or something, but you can PM me if you wanna play it safe.
4243769 Also, add Big Mac in the character tag area.
4243793 pm the work?
A week ago today, I vowed to comment on every fanfic I read. Here goes nothing.
In my humble-but-always-correct opinion, any Carrot Top story is a good story. But best pony notwithstanding, there are a few areas this story could improve upon.
First of all, your sentences are far too long. While they're still grammatically correct, it's hard to read without getting lost. For example, you said:
Now that is a mouthful. Break it up a little, bro. Not all your sentences have to be super long.
Don't be afraid of commas. They are your friends. Also, her name is spelled Daring Do, and his name is spelled Ahuizotl.
Their names are spelled Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Cherilee. If you're not sure how something is spelled, look it up. Google is your friend.
The first sentence should end in a question mark, and you're missing a word in the second one. Errors like this are scattered throughout the fic; you should either give it another glance yourself or get a proofreader.
Notice the tense shift? The way it stands, it breaks reader immersion. You should pick one tense and stick with it.
As it stands, this isn't relevant to the story. It's also pretty badly handled. Death is a touchy subject, and it should be treated as such. Also, I think the name you were looking for was Winona. Woona is what the fandom refers to baby Princess Luna as, so I was pretty confused.
As a whole, the story is severely dialogue driven, to the point where it's really hard to read. Break it up some, throw in a few independent paragraphs. The story will benefit for it.
On the same hand, you might want to work on your character voices. Their quotes are long and windy, so I have a hard time believing they would actually say what they said. Ask yourself if the quote is something they would say in the show: if not, you're doing it wrong. Granted, since this is fanfiction you're given some leeway, but if I were you I'd go back and fix it up.
Finally, always remember: show don't tell! For example, you said this:
Don't tell us he's a klutz, show us. Have him trip over his own hooves, or have him walk into a lamppost—anything works, so long as you show it.
Let me just finish by saying this list isn't necessarily complete. I've only pointed out one example of each error, and there were probably even some things I missed; I'm not perfect and I know it.
However, don't be disheartened by any of this. If I didn't think this story had potential, I wouldn't be writing this comment right now. I'll be patiently awaiting more, graceyadorable. I hope to see improvement; I know you can do it. Don't ever give up.
4244005 Private Message. You send me a message.
4244306 thanks for the input! I will try to edit it soon!!
Carrot Top is an amazing and needs more fanfics. Deffinatly favoring