In his hometown, Bumbleberry was a respectable stallion known for his tenacity and hard work. When he gets to Ponyville, he is overcome with urges nopony can explain. Through discipline exercises and a little help from Rarity, he finds repose in a book dedicated to courtship.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow, I'm impressed with the sheer amount of sensory detail, mostly in the beginning, where it also looks like there's also character development. This looks great so far, I'm going to continue!
This is going great so far, this version is great! You did a fantastic job ^^
3857816
I've tried to apply more detail, applying at least two senses to every scene description, but I'm far from perfect. Thank you for posting!
3857912
I do my best to improve based on the feedback I'm given.
Great going so far, and no noticeable grammatical errors!
It's definitely worth the read.
:O (Pony emotes are glitching, imagine the pinkie surprised one)
This chapter seemed shorter, but it certianly didn't lack detail! I'm actually finding myself dissapointed theres only 1 chapter left.
Bravo! Twas a fantastic read, with a happy ending, implying things n' such. I didn't notice a single spelling error of any kind. In that sense it was flawless. My only nit-pick, is the noticable difference between the longevity of the first 3 chapters vs the rest. The beginning seems to be slower, and more thorough, but it seems like near the end, you sort-of ran out of ideas, or got tired. It doesn't take away from the enjoyability of the story, just something I noticed. (But dont go writing 5000+ word chapters in future fics, unless it's an adventure).
Over-all, 9/10, for being consistently interesting, having fantastic amounts of sensory detail, and not a single grammatical error I noticed, but the longevity isn't consistent throughout the fic.
My personal advice: Dont take me saying the chapters aren't long enough as an excuse to put in pointless words (almost none are useless, but it's possible), the sensory detail in everything outside the character was near perfect, including describing the physical aspects of him. I would recommend describing his actions, tone of voice, etc. But not overloading the reader, like describing how 10 consecutive footsteps sound (you didn't do that).
Thats my critique, sorry for the huge read, I'm sure most will tl;dr this!
Have a nice day/night/morning! (also, this should stay in this form, and use this advice on future fics, not nessarily editing this one).
3862833
Ha, I did get tired. I've reviewed this story more times than I'd like. I shall try to word-level the chapters more in the future.
Thank you so much for commenting!
3871364
Alright, thats just a nit-pick of mine^^ but thank you for considering my feedback! It's great to actually have input that matters. And isn't considered annoying. Good luck on future fics, and I saw that you said on a blog post that you were only going to make one shots? that doesn't sound like a terrible idea, haha. Good luck with that!
3883005
I totally have other stories posted, if you're interested in reading them!
3883285
I think I might have a look.