Standards of Courtship

by Cogneato Switch

The Urge

Another sunny day in Ponyville, and another light beam landed on Bumbleberry’s closed eyes. He winced and rolled his face away from it. The welcome party had run later than he expected and by the time he got home, he was so exhausted he fell asleep instantly. Though groggy this morning, he was still delighted to have met so many wonderful citizens of this new town. Bumbleberry sat up, stretched his hooves to the ceiling, shook his head, and gave out a neigh. He hopped out of bed, splashed some water on his face, and walked out to the house.

On his way, he’d thought about all the ponies he’d met at the party. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Twilight the student, Rainbow something, that shy pony, the fancy one with gems, Rarity, maybe? All the names and faces seemed to blur and fade now, but he knew he’d learn them again in time.

Cherry Berry sat at the table with freshly made fruit salad when he walked in. “Good morning Bumbleberry!”

“Good morning Cherry.” The light hit her pink fur and yellow mane in just the right way to make her glisten and glow. She looks so beautiful, a voice in Bumbleberry’s head said. He shook his head, and voice silenced.
“Care for some of my fruit salad?” she offered, breaking his train of thought. “Berryshine says it’s the only thing I make well.”

“Yes please.” He served himself a bowl and put his snout in it to eat. “Where is Berryshine, anyway?” he asked, mouth covered in sweet berry juice.

“She lives in the city with Pina. They were just here yesterday to welcome you.”

“Wow, how kind of them!” He downed the rest of the bowl and licked off his lips.

“Ready for work today?” she asked. “The East orchard is ripe for picking.”

He nodded graciously. “Lead the way, boss!”

The farmer laughed as she bounded out the door with Bumbleberry following behind. They hitched themselves up to a empty cart and walked down rows of cherry trees in various states of ripeness. Cherry Berry started talking about the soil and quality of cherries it produces, but Bumbleberry found himself distracted by what he smelled. He had smelled her cherry scent before, but somehow this was different. It smelled wonderful and he wanted to touch her, or maybe… Bumbleberry wiped his brow, pushing that line of thinking away. What’s going on? he wondered. He tried to wait for a lull in the conversation to ask if she had done something different, but he could scarcely pay attention as he gave way to his senses. She smells so wonderful. Eventually he gave up and travelled in blissful silence until they finally arrived at the East Orchard.

“We’re here!” Cheery announced.

Bumbleberry continued to bask in the feeling while Cherry unhitched herself and took in the beautiful view of trees.

“The view here is so lovely.”

Bumbleberry snapped back to his senses. He quickly unhitched himself and walked up next to her, wondering if she had noticed his strange behavior. This orchard was like the others they’d passed. Empty fruit baskets lined a lavender fence that separated the trees from the road. The orchard itself had hundreds of ripe cherry trees ready for harvest.

“You know what to do, right?” She asked.

“I think I remember.” He smiled.

Cherry bucked a tree as usual and the cherries dropped perfectly into the baskets she’d placed. She glanced at Bumbleberry, challenging him to do the same.

Bumbleberry bucked, but dozens of cherries missed the buckets. He quickly grabbed the cherries on the ground and dropped them into the baskets.

“You’re bucking too hard,” she advised. “Hitting too hard makes the cherries go everywhere.” She moved empty buckets below another tree. “Watch how I do this one.”

He watched, but suddenly his heart began to race and his senses heightened. The same glow from earlier seemed to appear over Cherry, but he knew it was in his head. Her fur glistened, accenting her feminine figure. He became entranced at the way her mane flowed over her back as she rose up with her hind legs in the air. Her muscles sparkled as she firmly yet gracefully threw her hooves against the tree. As the cherries fell, her legs came down and she gave her tail a victory swish.

The experience was surreal. Her body seemed perfect. Too perfect. His mind fought his urge to give her a vulgar compliment on her tail. But the more he thought about it, the more reasonable it seemed.

She looked back at her apprentice, who was staring at her backside. “You alright, sweet pea?” she asked with a mixture of disgust and concern.

Bumbleberry came to and sucked in drool that had dribbled down his mouth. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let me try it again.”

He walked to his next tree, wondering to himself, What is going on? Why am I thinking these things?

Bumblebees threw his hooves at another cherry tree, doing his best to imitate Cherry Berry, from the force of her hooves to the way she threw her mane back. Cherries filled the buckets, but a few still rolled down the piles and onto the ground.

“Almost got it.” She cheered. “Make sure the buckets are under the lower cherries and centered under the tree, otherwise they’ll roll on ya.” Taking a bucket in her mouth, she trotted over to the cart and poured her cherries in. He grabbed his buckets and added them to the cart too.

Over the course of several hours, they continued taking turns. She’d buck a tree and he’d try to imitate while she’d give him pointers. Every so often, the stallion found himself staring at her. Was she just beautiful? Or was it something else? He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t like it, and neither did she when she noticed.

Eventually, the trees were harvested and the cart was nearly filled. They were both pouring the last of the buckets of cherries into the cart when something unexpected happened. Something about the shimmer of her mane or the delicate flow of her fur, but Bumbleberry felt an uncontrollable urge to feel her. The hairs on his back stood up and he began to sweat. He knew it was wrong but didn’t think about it as he reached out with his hoof and stroked her hair from the top of her head to the bottom of her crest.

The urge disappeared with the awful glare she gave him. “Excuse me, Bumbleberry, what was that?”

He jumped. He didn’t what he was doing, it just sort of happened. It felt like something else had taken control of him, yet he felt like it was his own choice, albeit one he regretted. He clammered in his mind for an excuse for his behavior. “Er, there was a bug in your hair?” Cherry eyed him suspiciously as she poured the last bucket into the cart. She broke her gaze when she moved to the front of the cart and hitched herself up.

“Come on, let’s get some food” she said coldly.

They towed the cart back to the house in silence. Bumbleberry’s mind raced for a real explanation for his behavior. What was he doing, groping his boss? It’s not like she’s his age or even his type. Yesterday she didn’t seem particularly attractive, and even now, walking next to her, she didn’t appeal to him. Then why at random times does he suddenly get the urge to compliment, smell, or touch this mare? He had no idea but hoped that the urge wouldn’t come back.

Soon they arrived at the fence outside house. They unhitched themselves and started walking the short distance to the house.

“What would you like to eat?” Her question was simple and friendly, but in his head, she sounded like a seductive lounge singer making a suggestive offer. He quickly called his sanity into question.

Is she making an advance on me?

No, of course not!

But she might be. I don’t know the last time she’s been with a proper stallion.

She was just asking what you want to eat.

I’ll let her know I'm interested, just in case.

He couldn’t stop himself from giving his response, chalked full of implications.“I wouldn’t mind eating some of your cherries.” He bumped her hip with his.

Caught off guard, she stumbled sideways and yelped. “What’s that all about?” she snapped.

He grimaced. Why did I just do that?

“You’ve been acting very strangely today.”

He dramatically slapped his forehead. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bump you so hard. I was trying to be friendly.” Another excuse, maybe she’ll take it better than the last one.

“Okay…” she said hesitantly. Her sneer told him in no uncertain terms that his behavior was inappropriate. He wished he could just run away as fast as he could, before he did something else dumb.

“Maybe I should just go take lunch on my own?” he offered.

“Yeah, why don’t you do that.” Cherry’s expression turned into a formal frown. “You must have culture shock coming out here from the city. Take the afternoon off and put yourself back together and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Bumbleberry nodded in defeat before galloping off.

This isn’t right! he thought, closing the door to his room. What’s going on with me? Hitting on my boss? I really do need to put myself back together. He paced back and forth in front of his bed and gazed at a picture on his night stand of his mother and father in front of a beehive. I really wish I had somepony else to talk to. Loneliness washed over him. Where was he going to find a friend? He thought of the friendly ponies he’d met the previous day and sprang into action. Grabbing his helmet, he sped off down the road.

After crossing the bridge to Ponyville, he stopped and parked just outside the market. The street was less busy than yesterday, but it was still bustling with activity. The brown asparagus salespony stood idle at his stand while a cream-colored mare with blue and pink hair studied a cart of tomatoes across the street.

Bumbleberry walked through the market but didn’t find anypony he knew. His stomach growled at him for some food so he walked up to the hay stand where a beige stallion with a mustache stood behind the counter.

“I’d like a bowl of hay, please.”

“Of course, sir!” Reaching below the counter, he pulled out a bowl of hay.

Bumbleberry threw down a few bits and ate the hay in one bite. Immediately he felt better. His appetite sated, he wandered through the market. He was calm and felt in control of himself. Maybe I just needed to get away from Cherry?

“Hello there, Bumbleberry!” came a beautiful voice from a young mare.

He spun around and was face to face with the white unicorn from the party, Rarity. A wave of heat overcome his body and his mind clouded. He became flushed and anxious and began to shake. He wanted to jump and run around and touch her all over. No, that’s not who I am! He pushed those urges down and looked up at the mare who had greeted him.

Rarity stared at the trembling berry farmer before her. “Are you alright?”

He wanted to use words, he tried to use words, but the way she looked, the sound in her voice, it was all too much. He gave in to the urge and threw his hoofs around her. “Hello Rarity!” he cried, embracing her. The hug was amazing. Her fur felt soft under his caressing cheek, and her body squeezed nicely. It felt much like he’d imagine it felt in stories when two lovers who had been separated for a long time finally touch each other once more. He revelled in the feeling.

For Rarity, it was the second time they’d ever met, and hugging on a second meeting seemed very strange. She wasn’t even certain of his name, but she could tell something was wrong. “Is everything okay?” she asked with concern.

Bumbleberry backed away from the embrace. “Yes, I’m fine!” he said instinctively. The urge sated, he came back to his senses. “Actually, no, I’ve been having these strange feelings since this morning. And I-” he felt embarrassed. He hardly knew her and here he was dumping his feelings. “I’m sorry, you were probably busy.” He desperately wanted to talk about it, but at this rate, being alone might be best for everypony.

“No, I’m not busy. What’s going on?”

He bit his tongue, wondering what she’d think of him if she knew. She’d think I was crazy for sure!

“I promise I won’t judge you,” she reassured, as if she could read his mind.

Bumbleberry was still afraid of what he might do, but he knew if he was going to get better he’d have to trust somepony. He confessed everything he’d done to Cherry, from the lewd comment to the unexpected grope. “The worst part is that I know it’s my own choice. It feels like I have to do it or… or... I’ll explode.” He shook his head. “My brain tells me it’s wrong but…” Rarity’s purple mane seemed to sparkle in the light and Bumbleberry wanted desperately to stroke it. His eye twitched as he fought against his urge.

Rarity looked thoughtfully into the air. “Feeling like you’re going to explode is awful! I completely understand the struggle between proper behavior and being true to oneself. I often face that with many of my customers. The nerve of some of them...”

She looked back to him and caught his gaze on her hair. “It’s happening now, isn’t it?” she asked.

He managed to give a slow and controlled nod.

Rarity studied his face carefully and swore she saw hearts in his eyes.

“My my, I haven’t seen that look since Twilight was practicing her enchantments,” she remarked. She pondered for a moment with a hoof on her chin. “From the look of things, I’d say you were under a magic spell.”

Bumbleberry’s eyes went wide and the hearts disappeared. “Really? Is that really it?” It fit perfectly with the feeling of an outside force pushing him around in his mind. Maybe somepony had cast a spell on him last night.

“Maybe,” Rarity hesitated. “Twilight Sparkle would know for sure.”

“Let’s go ask her!” Bumbleberry burst, with a little too much enthusiasm.

“Yes, maybe she can help us figure this out,” she said delicately. They then headed toward the Golden Oak Library.

Rarity knocked on the door to the library with her hoof. *clop* *clop* *clop* Twilight came to the door and poked her lavender head out. Her purple and pink bangs were perfectly in place and her horn seemed to sparkle in the sun.

“Hello Rarity!” she greeted her friend warmly. “Hello-” Bumbleberry stepped into the doorway and started rubbing his mane on her neck. While this was an acceptable greeting between very close friends, the grimace on Twilight’s face indicated that their friendship was not strong enough to warrant this behavior.

“Hello Twilight Sparkle!” Bumbleberry cooed, his eyes covered in stars.

Twilight shook him off. “Is there something wrong?” she asked Rarity.

He stood awestruck as Rarity explained. “Bumbleberry isn’t feeling like himself today and I was wondering if you might know why.”

“He certainly doesn’t look like himself.” Twilight hesitated, gaze fixed to Bumbleberry. “He was quite the gentlecolt last night.”

“Could you please help?” Bumbleberry pleaded, stars still in his eyes. “I’ve been feeling very strange all morning.”

“Of course, come in.”

The inside of the library was much less festive than before. The streamers and party tables were gone, and in their place, stray books littered the room.

“It started this morning when I went to work. Cherry Berry, she looked… I felt… I mean,” he was embarrassed, but he powered through. “Everything about her, and about both of you, was just so beautiful, captivating, and wonderful. It’s like I want to wrap myself up in all of your essences. But I know it’s crazy! But I just can’t think of anything else…” he paused and stared at Twilight.

After an awkward moment, Rarity nudged him. “Go on.”

Bumbleberry snapped out of his trance and continued. “Anyway, that’s not who I am and I need help. Could you please help me?”

Twilight stood in silence, pondering the meaning of his symptoms.

“Do you think he’s under some sort of spell?” Rarity asked. “The only other time I’ve seen a stallion like this was when you were practicing your enchantments.”

“I suppose he could be charmed. I can cast a spell to dispel whatever is affecting him.”

“Please do!” Bumbleberry begged.

Twilight pointed her horn at him as she concentrated. Magical energy burst from her horn like a fountain and a pink glow enveloped the stallion, lifting him off the ground for a moment. Then the glow vanished and he fell to the floor with a thud.

“Did it work?” Rarity wondered aloud.

Bumbleberry rubbed his eyes and looked up at the mares. The stars in his eyes told all.

“It doesn’t look like it.” Twilight ventured. “How do you feel?”

He shook his head. “I still feel wrong.” His gaze started wandering over their bodies as he wondered what they felt like. He found himself thinking of excuses to touch them.

“I guess it’s not magic.” The purple unicorn concluded.

“Maybe there’s something in one of these books?” Rarity suggested.

Bumbleberry jumped up between them and put his hooves around their shoulders. “Yes, let’s look for a book!” he cheered.

Twilight and Rarity exchanged alarmed glances. “Why don’t you sit over here and look through these books?” Rarity suggested, directing him to one side of the room where a pile of books stood. “Twilight and I will handle the books on the shelves.” Bumbleberry nodded enthusiastically and sat down next to the books.

As the unicorns began looking through the books, he found himself completely distracted from his search. He couldn’t take his eyes off the mares in the room, but he was able to resist jumping up and rubbing himself against them again.

“Has anypony ever been like this to you before?” Twilight asked Rarity in a low voice so he couldn’t hear.

“No.” She responded in a similar low voice. “Except once on Hearts and Hooves day, but this is totally different. He won’t stop staring at us.”

Twilight looked back at him. He grinned widely at her and she smiled nervously back. “He does seem quite taken with us,” she whispered to Rarity. Twilight flipped through another book. “Maybe he thinks one of us will be his very special somepony?”

“But it’s no where near Hearts And Hooves day!” Rarity hissed back, dropping a book on a growing pile. “And he barely knows either of us! Why is he acting like this now? He was fine yesterday!” Both mares looked at him. He smiled mindlessly at them and they hid their feelings behind strained smiles. They continued looking through books in silence.

“I think I found something,” Twilight declared, looking through a brown book with a pony on the cover. Rarity and Bumbleberry crowded around her. Bumbleberry wrapped his hoof around Twilight’s shoulder but she ignored it. “Hundreds of years ago, all stallions, when in the presence of mares, would become competitive and unruly. Stallions would be beset with urges to hug, fondle, and caress mares.”

“I suppose that’s not all bad,” Rarity admitted, looking at Bumbleberry’s muscular body. “What pony doesn’t want to be touched from time to time?”

“That does sound like what I have.” Bumbleberry agreed.

Twilight continued reading. “These urges would build up in the stallions and push them to worse behavior. If left unchecked, stallions would commit unspeakable crimes against mares.”

Everypony frowned at each other as they digested the meaning of unspeakable crimes, and Bumbleberry withdrew his hoof from Twilight.

“Fortunately, Princess Celestia enacted a ‘safe stallion’ program. As part of the program, stallions were taught lessons from the Standards of Courtship.” Twilight put the book down. “What is the Standards of Courtship?”

“Oh, it’s a wonderful and old book!” Rarity cheered. “I have a copy from when my grandmother was a filly. It outlines proper etiquette and behavior between stallions and mares, especially when courting.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “I wonder if Prince Blueblood has ever heard of it.”

“Great!” Twilight cheered. “Bumbleberry can study the book and he should be cured.”

Bumbleberry frowned. “I’m not sure if I can do that.”

“What? Why not?”

“It’s just, I was supposed to be going through these books and I could scarcely look at them, let alone learn lessons.” Even just standing there, it was clear he was struggling to maintain composure.

Twilight and Rarity looked at each other, wondering what to do.

“Was there any other part of the ‘safe stallion’ program?” Rarity suggested.

Twilight continued to read, “Of course not all stallions learned their lessons. Such problem stallions underwent an operation known as ‘gelding’.” Twilight looked up, confused. “Gelding? What is that?”

Bumbleberry and Rarity both shrugged their shoulders and shook their heads.

“So,” Bumbleberry spoke up. “If I undergo this ‘gelding’ process, it would rid me of these urges?” Getting rid of these frantic urges was his top concern and if he had to undergo a medical procedure, so be it.

Twilight nodded. “It would seem so.” The term seemed familiar to her but she couldn’t place it.

“But who in Ponyville knows how to do that?” Rarity asked incredulously.

“I think Applejack mentioned something about it before,” Twilight recalled. “Maybe you could ask her?”

“Sounds like a plan!” Bumbleberry exclaimed. He still felt like running around and rubbing his body against the mares in front of him, but the new found hope calmed his fears. The sooner he had this urge under control, the sooner he could return to the farm and apologize to Cherry.

“One more thing,” he bowed his head, “do either of you know where Applejack lives? I don’t know and I didn’t see her at the market.”

“Of course, darling,” Rarity comforted him. “I’ll walk you there.”

Bumbleberry lit up. “Thank you, Rarity! And thank you Twilight for letting us look through your books.”

“Yes, thank you for all your help.” Rarity echoed. “Come on, let’s get you to Sweet Apple Acres and get you cured.” They both headed out the door.

“Let me know how the operation goes!” Twilight called out after them.