Okay, review time. The opening scene was... good. I got a sense that Mach was overwhelmed by the idea of death squads being on the lookout to capture or kill him and that he was panicking, but at the same time, I feel you could have expounded upon it. Give us more insight into what was going through his head. You did a little, and I believe you could have done so much better by building up on that.
You're early on here, and you're already exploring a Stable? I have to say- not bad this time. Not bad at all. I definitely felt the creepy vibe with the place, which was only compounded by the recordings that Mach picked up. Even though you only explored a few corridors, the atrium, and the overmare's office, I still feel we got a good idea of the deathtraps that Stables became. One thing I have to call you out on, however, is that the minotaur didn't really feel like a threat after the reader finally gets a good description of him. He looks terrifying and he shrugs off bullets, but I had a greater sense of threat from Sergeant Tempest than the hulking mass of raw muscle that could kill through power armor with brute strength alone. I feel that if you described how he tore up the place trying to get at Tempest and Mach afterward, he would've really felt truly threatening and relentless.
Moving on from that, I find it pretty interesting how you made stars the focal point of pegasi theology. It makes sense, too. They're special to the Enclave pegasi in that regard- out of all the ponies in the Equestrian Wasteland, only they had the opportunity to see the night sky. I find your use of this fact very creative and believable.
The same can be said of the scene with the Steel Rangers. At first, I was thinking, "What the buck? They're wasting a whole artillery strike to get at one pony?" Then I remembered. These are Steel Rangers we're talking about. Excessive firepower and overkill is their game plan and their only game plan. That got a laugh out of me in realizing that, so props to you.
Okay... Greaser. I have to be forward about you on this one. I find it very, very hard to believe that one pony just outside the DMZ would take in a stranger- a pegasi in Enclave uniform at that- and use her entire healing supply on him. That, and for some reason, she wants to tag along with him- and be his friend after just meeting him. For all she knew, he could've just woken up, held her at gunpoint/killed her, and looted her stuff. What was she doing there in the first place? Sure, she came from Sydneigh, I get that, but... just what's going on with her? Why so trusting? It just seems too... too convenient for my tastes. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.
About the memory, though. I actually smiled a little as I read that because it actually has a surprisingly close parallel with Frost from my own story. I'll let you reach that point on your own, but maybe you'll get as much a kick out of it as I did.
That took way to long to read through but darn, did I enjoy it. I think that Fallout Equestria stories have to be the strangest fanfictions I've read; they all essentially cover a similar ground and yet each one brings a strange newness to the table. The original needs no explaining, PH has an odd feeling of nostalgia (to me) Heroes has a bluntness to it, Memories has its antics and yours has an oddly realistic feel to it that has given me more inspiration than many stories do. Keep up the work when you can, you've earned my interest.
Hello! Let me first apologise for the long wait for your review. To cut a long story short, life happened, and it completely slipped my mind. Starting two jobs on the same day, as well as a boiler breaking, and Christmas happening can really take over your thoughts.
However, I've got the next couple of days free, ao I should be able to get it done for you soon.
You're remembering correctly. Kind of. The government knew, but nobody else outside of his family did until the escape. I did some adjusting because of the Mary Sue concerns. I did a lot of early story adjustment because of those concerns, as you'll soon find out.
Even those worries aren't entirely the same as they used to be.
5489082 Dunno who your favorite character is, but if she was in the original there's a 99.9% chance that she's in the rewrite.
Oh, I've got plans for them. Big plans, indeed. You'll be seeing those two pretty soon, in fact.
>Mach in a dress WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA
Mach doesn't do things by half. Full racism, full disgust.
Still hashing out what I want to do with the recovery team. I've gotten quite a bit of speculation regarding their fate that I want to take into account before I make any final decisions.
5492077 >Raised on Top Gun Me too, man. Me too. Mach's 'theme' is even Mighty Wings.
Those two are being phased out in the rewrite, unfortunately. They were just placeholder characters and I took the opportunity to make a reference, but I've got more prominent characters that are better suited for the role, now. This was written before the story had a solid direction, so my options are a lot more open the second time around.
OK, I've caught up. Allow me to give my overall impressions.
It started out as an average, kinda-sorta mediocre story about someone that left their home for a greater good. Kind of an overdone trope, but you pull it off nicely, and Mach—as you've written him—fits that role to the point where I can overlook the milked trope.
As I read on, my interest kept climbing and climbing with each chapter. I was like; "What's gonna happen next?" *reads next chapter* "Well shit!"
As for Chapter Seven, I thought it was really well done. I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?!?" when the minotaur ghoul was chasing Mach through the Stable/Vault. wanting to know what it was made me read on, and now it's 11:30pm at night as I type this, and a fic rarely makes me stay up this late on my PC to read. Usually I get into bed and read random things, but this one made me be like; "MORE!"
At the end, the story up until this point had good pacing, decent character development on the part of Mach, and I'm eager to see what other characters you introduce and how you develop them. You get a solid 8/10, and the remaining two were because I felt the beginning two chapters rather bland and uninteresting, and the beginning is what you want to hook your readers, but I'm glad I pushed through to the end.
Now the question that I don't know how tired you are of answering: When can we expect more chapters to be published?
I see it's undergoing rewrites, but that begs the question: If this is 60k+ words right here, then how much more are we to expect?
5511418 Funnily enough, the original started out with a good hook, but it didn't really fit in with the way things were rewritten so I had to yank it. Complaints early on were actually that the pacing was far too rushed, which was why things slowed down quite a bit in the rewrite, but I'm glad you pushed through it to see the rest of what the story had to offer. It's rare that I hear someone say Outlaw sucked them in and compelled them to keep reading on, so it certainly gives me a smile each and every time I hear it.
Now the question that I don't know how tired you are of answering: When can we expect more chapters to be published?
Not as tired as you might think. As you can see, I haven't exactly been receiving much feedback on the rewritten chapters. Half of these comments come about after I encourage and badger people, and half of them are from friends trying to help me out by advertising (Bobulator). I think I had all of one comment for over a fortnight?
Anyway. That said, I really needed to hear this. I think you may have given me the motivation I need to really get moving on the next chapter. It's nowhere near as long as this--in fact it's pretty short and sweet--but there's a good bit of action, some titular plot development, and we're introduced to the next party member as well.
I see it's undergoing rewrites, but that begs the question: If this is 60k+ words right here, then how much more are we to expect?
Outlaw originally totaled 550k~ at completion. After rewriting, I dunno where we'll stand. I'm adding a lot, but I'm also cutting out quite a bit, too. The story could easily run longer, shorter, or right around the same total as the original.
I'm not sure if you have heard this before, but if you put out more chapters you'll get more feedback. I'm just as keen as anyone else here to read more!
5512942 I am well aware of that. The thing is, feedback generates motivation to work, which produces material for people to read and give feedback on. When this chain is broken, things tend to take a lot longer than normal. It's a vicious cycle.
Unique to the situation is the fact that these are rewrites. Before, it wasn't that big a deal to me. Now that I'm changing so many things for the better, I have a much sharper eye out for commentary to judge how much I've improved the story.
5450211 That makes two of us, because this took way too long to respond to. I apologize for that. As odd as it may sound, I was rather intimidated by your comment. Saying Outlaw had given you inspiration made me so unbelievably happy that I couldn't even articulate a proper response. I didn't want to let this fall by the wayside, and I really needed to express my gratitude for your comment. It's little things like this that keep me going. It doesn't always have to be a huge, in-depth review, but taking a minute to say something beyond "i liked it, moar plz" provides a huge boost to my motivation. I'll keep doing my best, and I hope to do you and everyone else proud.
Alrighty! Apologies one final time for the delay. I had to hurry through the first round of judging for the EqD competition that's currently going on, but it's finally here. Hopefully, it'll be worth the weight
I've got to admit, that cover art you've got is pretty nicely drawn. Strange how common nicely drawn commissions are, amongst FO:E side stories. That said, it did kinda worry me about how this story was going to go. The vast majority of that image I've got no problem with, but the main character...
Blood red fur, spiky red mane, futuristic-looking armour with an eyepiece, and a scowl so fierce it looks like he's a Saiyan prince? Yeah, not a good first impression for the protagonist, honestly
Generally pretty high. There's the occasional problem (most commonly repetition of words in a short space), but they're infrequent enough to not warrant worry.
This quality of this story's prose has been a pleasant departure from the standard FO:E stories. In WRITE, I have the most tolerance for FO:E sidefics out of the entire group, so have become the de facto "Fallout Guy", resulting in all these stories getting shoved in my general direction. I'm also an admin of the FO:E group, so the constant exposure to the quality of writing (or lack thereof) in the majority of those stories can really grate on my sensibilities. But here? No such problems. Hell, you're probably the first FO:E author I've seen who actually uses em-dashes, as opposed to just slapping in hyphens and calling it a day. Nicely done.
Duster was my oldest and dearest friend. My very first friend, actually.
Bit redundant, no? Unless you mean "old" as in "been alive the longest". In which case, the context confuses the meaning, as "My oldest friend" normally means the friend you made first, and have thus known for the longest time
The Bit with the Story and Stuff
The opening couple paragraphs of the Prologue are pretty strong, I'll readily admit. Certainly leaps and bounds ahead of most of the weather report openings that tend to plague this little corner of the internet. That said, one minor quibble is the fact that the main character stops, and takes the time to explain that Celestia is dead, and was pretty laid back before she died. I mean, that's common knowledge in the wasteland, no? Not exactly something you'd need to spell out, at any rate. A simple "that can't be right..." or similar would suffice, I feel, and end up reading less clunkily.
But otherwise, an introduction featuring the main character's parents? Ballsy move, but I think it worked out. Makes a refreshing change from all the angst angst angst that's common in this sub-genre. And the father's unexplained Wonderbolt hate was a rather nice hook, too. Very nice.
A small caveat, however. When dealing with the mysterious summons, I find Mach's anger understandable, but his behaviour... less so. Being a Lieutenant, one would assume he would realise insulting/swearing at an unknown figure from the government could have serious repercussions, no? Especially telling them to "fly head-first into a brick wall". I get that the character is supposed to be frustrated with the situation, suffering from a hangover, and be rebellious in general, but I still feel such a flare of anger would be... unrealistic. Especially when he was just contemplating about how he couldn't afford any more strikes on his record. Either he's not as angry as this scene makes out to be, and thus the scene is wonky, or the character is extremely short tempered, to the point where them reaching Lieutenant at all is highly questionable.
A Lieutenant being in command of only two other ponies seems... odd? I'll admit, I'm not the biggest military buff on the planet, but I was under the impression that they'd command at least one squad, normally more-so. I suppose it's possible that Mach being part of a scout group/special weapons testing squad may have a role, but still...
Also? A soldier being in a relationship with their direct superior? Definitely frowned upon IRL. Might need some 'splainin.
When fleeing from the Enclave, the pursuers are gaining on Mach, so he speeds up, fails to break the sound barrier, and crashes. Right? But... if they're gaining on him when he's almost breaking the sound barrier, then they all have to be flying faster than the speed of sound. Which would mean sonic rainbooms, right?
“Now if my calculations are correct,” Doc said, slapping his hoof down on a button affixed to the wall nearby, “once the capacitors on this rifle reach full charge, you’re going to see some serious shit.”
This is just after being mauled by timberwolves with one (heavily bleeding) wing hanging limply from his side, aye?
Characters and Other Thingamabobs
I've got to admit, in what I've read up to this point, by far your story's weakest link has to be your main character, Mach. Which can be kind of a big problem, y'know?
I touched on it earlier when talking about the cover art, but Mach, to me, seems rather... flat? Dull, certainly. I'll try to explain, briefly: Mach has blood-red fur, dark red hair, is prone to extreme anger, is rebellious and a rule-breaker, yet is still relatively successful. He has massive amounts of natural talent, and is rather cocksure as a result. He commands a team whose job is to try out the most cutting-edge hardware the military can make in real-life combat scenarios. He has an attractive, fiery girlfriend who is also a member of the experimental testing team, is the son of a three-star General (who he doesn't get along with), and older brother to a Colonel. He gets given extremely useful prototypes by a friend (who makes aforementioned Enclave weapons) as gifts. He's noble, kind, and is strongly hinted at being capable of performing a sonic rainboom.
Correct me if I'm wrong in any of that, by the way. Oh, while we're on the topic, wasn't there something in the original FO:E, saying that all ponies capable of performing a rainboom were very closely observed by the Enclave? If so, then the fact that this rainboom-performing son-of-a-general is questioning why people would investigate him is... odd.
But anyway. Basically, what I've described in that paragraph above can be, unfortunately, summed up in a short sentence: "Calamity, but more awesome!" ...Aaaaaand that's not really a good thing, y'know?
All of this is very strange, considering how well characterised I thought he was in the prologue. Well... maybe. From what I've read of the comments, the prologue is new with the rewrite, aye? So the other chapters are being updated/modified, whereas the prologue is completely from scratch? Or are the other chapters completely new as well? Hmm.
Your other characters are generally pretty good. Doc was very obviously Doc Brown ponified, which would normally grate on my nerves a bit, but his role was small enough (and the references few enough) that I was okay with it. The family was all pretty solid in their portrayal, with Mum being the strongest and Dad being the shakiest. The Gawd family are pretty accurate as well, I think, but it has been an awfully long time since I read the original. Just about three years, in fact.
God damn, three years...
General Doohickeys
The character "Duster" is described as "a country pegasus". Something about that term doesn't quite jive with me, seeing as they all live above the cloud layer. Perhaps this is a US vs UK thing because, for me, a country person is someone who comes from the countryside, and I'm not sure I'd call anything made of clouds "countryside". Meh, it's probably just my upbringing being a bit odd.
I do like the hints of a more star-based religion, in this culture. It fits well with the paranoia the Zebra exhibited in the original story.
Overall Hoojamaflips
Overall, I'm going to say I... didn't quite enjoy this story. Which is a real shame, because it had a promising start, some really neat ideas, and you clearly know how to put words on a page. But Mach, for me, drags it down.
My advice for you, at the time of writing this, would be to focus on making sure Mach is a balanced, nuanced, interesting character. I like the idea of a story about a Dashite finding their way in the wasteland, but you'd need to either distance Mach from Calamity (and give him more character while doing so), or make the story about Calamity himself. But... work on Mach, and I could definitely see myself enjoying this one.
Or it could just be me being a fussy, british git. Either or
5565881 I myself should apologize for the delay. I usually bounce back quickly from criticism of the story, but criticism of my characters especially takes me a little longer to recover from. I dunno if you're one of those people that acknowledges replies or not, but I'll go for it anyway.
On 'Technical Junk' Hearing this actually greatly amuses me. I was rejected from EqD not once but twice due to technical concerns, which was why I sought out WRITE in the first place. The fact that they don't have much of a leg to stand on confirms that they are strongly biased against FoE fics. They just don't want to come out and say it.
On Mach's attitude with regards to rank and superiors Mach would absolutely bite his tongue and hold himself in check... had he been on duty. Once he's off the clock he doesn't have any qualms about letting his temper fly. The fact that he was being forced to use up his own free time was enough to cause him to shoot his mouth off, and with no visible rank insignia on the trooper, repercussions were the furthest thing from his mind.
On Mach's squad size It was a lot larger before he was reassigned to his current posting. There are scenes from his past that crop up later in the story that show him leading much larger flights of troops.
Also? A soldier being in a relationship with their direct superior? Definitely frowned upon IRL. Might need some 'splainin.
I'm very aware of this. I even addressed it right in the chapter:
“Hey, any other day I’d step in and rock your world, but I’m potentially in some real deep shit already, and I need to keep on our superiors’ good side. We’ve already been busted for fraternization more times than I can count and—mmph!”
When fleeing from the Enclave, the pursuers are gaining on Mach, so he speeds up, fails to break the sound barrier, and crashes. Right?
But... if they're gaining on him when he's almost breaking the sound barrier, then they all have to be flying faster than the speed of sound. Which would mean sonic rainbooms, right?
Not quite. As cocky as he is, he doesn't start to push his limits until they begin to gain on him, and then he attempts to outrun them by breaking the speed of sound. It's a desperation move.
Correct me if I'm wrong in any of that, by the way. Oh, while we're on the topic, wasn't there something in the original FO:E, saying that all ponies capable of performing a rainboom were very closely observed by the Enclave? If so, then the fact that this rainboom-performing son-of-a-general is questioning why people would investigate him is... odd.
You are very correct, yes. I've taken this into consideration even before the rewrite. I can certainly see how you'd think it odd that he's panicking about being investigated, but there are very specific circumstances brought up later in the story that explain that. It's not as cut and dry as you may think. There's quite a bit of depth to it, but it wouldn't do to dump all that in the first few chapters, would it?
On Mach as a character You and I are going to have to agree to disagree here. Calamity is the noble, selfless son of a widowed drill sergeant, fed up with the Enclave's bureaucracy to the point where he feels his skills would be better off helping those who truly need it. Mach is the selfish, spoiled brat of a high-ranking officer who has absolutely no appreciation for how easy his life has been. He takes everything in his life for granted with the exception of his family, who he'd bend over backwards for in an instant, to the point where he'd throw away a life of cushy living just to spare his father without first taking into consideration the rest of his family's feelings. Even in the wasteland his snotty attitude persists, and he's done everything thus far for personal gain rather than to help other people like Calamity has done. He's an asshole. Pure and simple. An asshole who will gradually change across the story as his experiences and the people around him subtly alter his perspective. A by-chapter model isn't the best for gradual character development, so it's hard to get a scope of it this early on.
All of this is very strange, considering how well characterised I thought he was in the prologue. Well... maybe. From what I've read of the comments, the prologue is new with the rewrite, aye? So the other chapters are being updated/modified, whereas the prologue is completely from scratch? Or are the other chapters completely new as well? Hmm.
The prologue is written entirely from scratch. Chapters 1-6 are heavily edited and cut/bolstered versions of their previous selves. Chapter 7 is, like the prologue, entirely written from scratch, as will be the rest of the rewrites.
On 'Countryside' terminology In the US, it's generally used the same way. In Outlaw, there are expanses of cloud between cities that would be considered rural territory, and therefore synonymous with the country as we are familiar with it.
On star-based religion I'm quite proud of this one, actually. A lot of thought went into it, though I explain it in bits in pieces instead of making it one big exposition dump.
On your parting comments I'm sad to hear that you don't care for the story, especially with how strongly your review started. I'm not out to force anyone to read against their will, but I will say that as I mentioned previously, Mach's development is gradual. It might not seem like it at this point, but I assure you that I have given it a great deal of thought, it's just a slow process that spans the course of the story. I can't have my main character going from elitist snob to jaded wastelander in all of eight chapters, can I? That just wouldn't do.
Hearing this actually greatly amuses me. I was rejected from EqD not once but twice due to technical concerns, which was why I sought out WRITE in the first place.
Mm. I think one of the big problems with EqD (or it used to be one, dunno if it's still true) is that they try and enforce objective rules on writing style by sticking to one guide, which results in all manner of upsets. That, or maybe the PR you've been getting is one with much higher standards than mine. I know Pascoite is a demon for that sort of thing
Mach would absolutely bite his tongue and hold himself in check... had he been on duty. Once he's off the clock he doesn't have any qualms about letting his temper fly.
My Drill Sergeant friend assures me that Mach is an idiot
It was a lot larger before he was reassigned to his current posting. There are scenes from his past that crop up later in the story that show him leading much larger flights of troops.
Fair enough. Might want to drop some foreshadowing in there, aye?
I'm very aware of this. I even addressed it right in the chapter:
Aye, I did notice that, but the fact that they've been caught doing so multiple times with what would appear to be no real punishment is... not great. Yes, I'm aware you also mentioned Mach has lost and gained rank repeatedly, but how lax the Enclave command appears to be is really stretching my limits of disbelief.
To give a real-world example, Sgt J. M. Hendersen of the Marines claimed to be putting on a fashion show (secretly in the hopes of being able to foster relations with some of the volunteers), and a number of female marines wanted to get involved. He took the measurements of four women. No sex occurred.
He lost rank, was confined for 9 months, and was given a Bad Conduct Discharge. For measuring the proportions of soldiers with a measuring tape. Sure, he tricked them into giving him the measurements, but it's a bit of a step down from "Repeatedly did the deed on-duty", no?
Side-note: Don't ever let a military man talk about Camp Lejeune. It's... not a nice thing to hear about.
I can certainly see how you'd think it odd that he's panicking about being investigated, but there are very specific circumstances brought up later in the story that explain that.
Fairy nuff.
You and I are going to have to agree to disagree ... He's an asshole.
Oh no, don't get me wrong. I wasn't saying the motivations of Mach and Calamity were the same, merely that their accomplishments/circumstances were remarkably similar.
And after hearing that from yourself, I feel I may have an alternate hypothesis. One that also explains how I reached my verdict the first time.
See, you describe Mach as an asshole, "snotty-nosed" and selfish. And yet... it doesn't quite add up to that. As an example, what's the first thing Mach does when he sees the raiders chasing a random pony on the ground as he's flying over head? He goes to put his own life at risk to help them. Which is selfless, noble, and not snotty-nosed at all. You mentioned that he'd bend over backwards for his family, but going to the extents that Mach did to help his father, again, doesn't really fit with the "he's an asshole" description. Nor does his belief that the Enclave should be helping ponies in the wasteland.
My original thought was that Mach was supposed to be a noble character, who occasionally acted like an asshole in some misguided attempt to make him more cool, yo. Now? It's more like you wrote him as an asshole, but were... afraid (I guess?) of him being considered completely unlikable, so cut out some flaws. Which is, you know, understandable. The problem with it is that sometimes, Mach just stops acting like an asshole, and that doesn't do much for his character.
My suggestion? Double down on the dickishness. I mean, what does he actually do that's dickish before he gets chased below the clouds? He gets into an argument with his dad, shouts at a hooded figure while Mach's suffering from a headache, and there's one Pegasus that he shares mutual glares at while passing them in a corridor. On the asshole scale, that's probably just below "farting in a co-worker's coffee mug". Not much of an epic redemption story from that, eh?
So yeah. Play Mach as a snobbish asshat. Make him sneer at someone.
In the scene with the hooded figure, try not having Mach get angry. Make him get indignant. "How dare you! I am the only son of General whassesface", sorta thing. Think Draco Malfoy, with "I'm telling father!"
When Mach sees the scuffle on the wasteland floor, what if his first thoughts were "something something savages, probably stole his club mumble mumble"? You'd need to come up with a different way for him to get grounded, but I think that shouldn't be that hard. Have one of the military sisters tease him over looking at the groundpounders, and Mach gets all uppity and starts a fight. That'd work. Oh, and dropping the whole thing about trying to help the wastelanders would be a good move, too.
And when they get back to the clouds, have Mach run away to spite people. His father, the system, the maaaaaan, all that sort of thing.
Because the further up Dick Mountain he is, the bigger the impact it'll have when he comes crashing back to earth.
And don't worry about him being completely unlikable, cos you've got a couple things working for you. The biggest being that handy-dandy Prologue of yours. It shows that, yeah, he got into an argument with his dad, but he's still a momma's boy. It shows the reader he's not actually a bad person, just had bad things happen to him, and brought up in a bad place. Think Wreck-it Ralph, aye?
Another thing that could help is showing that he forms doubts about the way the Enclave works, instead of openly rejecting it. To go back to the "I've got to help this poor wastelander!" scene, Have him be the sneering imperialist at the start, but then realise that, actually, the pony being chased is actually a pony. Like him. And is absolutely terrified. It can be that moment that the Sisters Grimm but in and laugh at him, or whatever. I mean, think of the character moment one could have when he actually gets to know her, and then remembers the first thoughts he had about her were, yeah?
There'll be plenty of time to prove he's not as big of an asshole as he first appears to be. After all, you're only on chapter 8
But meh, I'm probably just hijacking your character, at this point. It's entirely possible that I've completely misunderstood your comment, and have spent the past five minutes rambling about nothing. Whoo subjective mediums!
Ah well. Thanks for replying, regardless. It's rare when an author actually acknowledges criticism openly, it seems.
Wow, really been over a month since I got to this? Damn.... on the bright side, less time to have to annoy you with screaming for a new update.
So Mach is being sent to raid a (assumedly) abandoned Stable for Gawd... this should be fun.
My mane crawled,
Well, you were passed out on a Raider mattress, would not be surprised to have a few bugs in your mane aft.... oh not what you meant?
“I need you fer this.”
“Wha… recon?”
Gawd... I can totally buy knowing this stuff. As I said last chapter.
It’s one of the high-altitude stables you mentioned a minute ago—built into the depths of a mountain.
And yet the Enclave hasn't raided it? You know I was going to make a "All the ones they cold find anyway" crack when he mentioned it but... GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Still odd they hadn't found it. According to Calamity they stripped every mountain above the clouds that didn't have something like a dragon living on it. So unless it's only a 'mid' altitude stable that was below the cloud cover, but still inside a mountain and built for pegasi. That could work.
tyin’ you up like a little pig and tossin’ you back up through the cloud cover,
I had said she was bluffing about calling the Enclave, and still believe she was. This? This.. I could TOTALLY see her doing. Also "Tie him up like a pig" hmmm, guess it could be a Griffon expression and make sense.
Maybe pay Red Eye a visit if you’re feeling lucky.
Littlepip hears about Redeye, and is instantly curious, wanting to know more, on the look out for more information, realizing this is something she should learn.
Mach learns about him, and totally ignores it.
Curiosity really can be helpful.
I cracked a toothy grin as the solution to my problem came to me.
Agree to her demands, and then once outside of town and heading for the Stable, simply haul ass out of the area and never look back?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna get right to it. I’m a busy pony and I have things to do.
And of course you go and agree to it way way to easily to not make clear you are up to something. Need some ranks in bluff there dude.
“What, you think I’m stupid?”
Yeah, he kind of does. he's kind of stupid that way.
she’d seen right through my plan
Gee, how could anyone EVER anticipate such an ingenious and unique plan like that....
“This looks pretty valuable. You can have it back once I get what I want.”
Okay the overall idea is good, but just randomly grabbing something with no idea if it is worth anything, or if it is something he'd value more then getting the buck away from you. Not so much.
“I need that, you can’t take that!”
Until Mach opens his big mouth and lets them know it is.
“It’s my navigation system,” I said simply, not willing to reveal any more of the ScoutBuck’s abilities,
Which includes... ummmmmm... nope that is pretty much all we've ever seen it do.
“Let’s go, you little twerp. I ain’t got all day.”
The Gilda is strong in this one. (She's just giving me a really strong 'Gilda" vibe)
do you always whine this much?
.... Yeah, more or less.
Don’t try anythin’ funny or I’ll gut you like a damn fish.
Hey, KAGE was the one with the Hellhound daggers who thought engaging in melee with ponies with guns was a good idea. Reggie is the one with actual guns. She'll shoot Mach, Kage would gut him.
My stomach churned nervously and I shuddered at the memory of Garrote’s eviscerated entrails,
Oh... right.. that.. yeah that's... that's going to be a thing for awhile...
“Your wi—”
Wait, what's the 'freak' bit? Wait, didn't mach comment on having bigger then normal wings? Or, has it been so long since I read earlier bits I'm mixing stuff up and forgetting things?
In the same day, no less,
How does the same smeg keep happening to the same guy?
Are you some kinda psycho or somethin’?
No, just kind of an idiot.
“There’s gotta be more to it than that.”
And this is Reggie BEFORE meeting Littlepip realizing how bullshit Mach's issues are. They are that obvious.
Your kind ruined my father. You ruined my life.
Self centered much asshole? The griffons did nothing wrong. First off, they were only acting in self defense after the Enclave invaded their land. It was your father's choice to become such a massive dick over it and not find a way to deal with it. And in turn, leaves this all on him for his actions. Get over yourself Mach.
(Note that is directed at Mach the pony, not Mach the character, I do kind of like this part of him (from a purely academic POV) and yeah it's all part of his character and who he is. Still, it's bullshit that needs to be called out, but well done bullshit that is meant to be bullshit.)
“Piss off, catbird.”
Great comeback there Mach.
Also, spot on Reggie. To bad you know this isn't going to break through his thick skull yet, but, just maybe might leave a tony little scratch others can build on.
I didn’t have my friends to help me out when I shot my mouth off anymore.
HE CAN LEARN! It's a miracle.....
Now let's see how long till he forgets this.
located at a spot somewhere in the neighborhood of three-quarters of the way up.
Okay, so it was a pegasus Stable, that was simply low enough to be under the cloud cover. Yeah that works out.
Well. This would be interesting, for sure
Wait, does he even have any sort of flashlight at all?
is because we don’t want anyone else to know about it.
So, how did you guys find out about it in the first place?
Being caught off guard afforded me no time to start flapping,
Wait... if they were hovering in the air when this happened, which they were, why did he ever stop flapping? that would just put more weight on the claw holding him and make it hurt him even more. I get being tossed to quick and hard to recover, but he should have still been flapping.
Call me 'catbird' again
We all know that proper term is "Birdiecat."
The fabric of my jacket had torn open
Yeah, that jacket isn't going to last long unless you get in touch with a pony that knows how to sew really well.
I sighed and held a hoof to stem the bleeding until it could clot on its own.
The same hooves you walk on all the time and that are likely covered in dirt and what not..... that does not seem all that sanitary.
I’d be crushed into such a fine particulate
No, no.. impossible. Your body is to squishy a wet to be turned into particulate just from blunt force. Being crushed like that would at worst liquefy your body, Not vaporize it or char it to ash. So no danger of becoming that,
I threw the lever forward.
... The lever... that shouldn't be there. You can't open a Stable Door from the outside barring a single override built in by the CMC, which requires first hacking into the door controls, and then providing voice prints of all three of them. Okay, likely also regular access codes that could be used as well. But still, the things are locked. Not that easy to just open them.
What in Polaris’ name had happened to me?
Claustrophobia. And, pretty damn well done version of it to. It makes perfect sense for pegasi in general, and even more so Mach given what we know about him. Add in the already built up tension and fear about this, all the stress he's been under... yeah that was.. really well done story. Also, very nice counterpoint to Littlepip's bought of agoraphobia right after leaving her Stable for the first time.
Orrrrr, some kind of weird fear toxins in the Stable. But.... no, just no, that's the fucked up shit a vault does, not a Stable. Plus, he got over it way to fast for that to be the case.
so that certainly ruled out gas or aerosolized drugs.
Story, GET OUT OF MY HEAD! But, good, that.. really would have ruined the moment, and a lot of other stuff.
Just a quick in and out.
yeah.. good luck with that.
I felt a lot more at ease knowing that the stable wasn’t just a maze of suffocatingly narrow hallways.
Well, Gawd did say this was a Pegasi intended Stable, and the reason those were built into mountains rather then underground was to have extra room to have lots of open spaces pegasi could fly in.
In the radioactive wastes, stay fit or you'll be paste!
Wha? Why... why would a Stable have something like that? They are isolated, closed, they shouldn't have to worry about the Wastes at all. Hell they wouldn't even really know what was going on out there. Unless this is a Stable that opened up and they were sending scouting/foraging parties out to the Wastes.
“That is the corniest thing I’ve ever read in my life,”
Also, gotta agree with Mach on this one, even if it does somehow make sense, that is so damn cheesy.
Fresh blood.
Yeah no way you are making it through a creepy, run down Stable without encountering something that wants to rip your face off.
If I didn’t prepare to run across whatever had done all this damage, I’d be a dead pony.
And Mach proves, he is not a total moron and does have some survival instincts.
What the hell was an Enclave helmet doing in a stable?
That is one hell of a good question.
Anypony who’d fought a power armored trooper in close quarters wouldn’t have lived to tell the tale, either.
I was going to say "Tell that to Littlepip" but I can't come up with any point where she actually did this off the top of my head. The Pegasi she dealt with were either not in armor, or at longer range. The one melee fight I can think of where the non-pegasus side won involved griffons, so he is right about 'anypony'. Still, nice logical deduction. Enclave Power Armor uses magical Energy weapons, even if they didn't vaporize, they still cauterize the wound, so little blood. Of course that just means this wasn't pegasus on pegasus fighting. Have fun finding out what it really was Mach.
Typically, Enclave soldiers with power armor training painted their names above the left brow, but the only thing left was bare grey steel.
Huh... kind of makes sense. Bit out of nowhere, but logical enough. But now the question is, was that damage just an accident, done during the fighting, or was it scraped away on purpose?
Power armor helmets weren’t just for protection,
In fact they weren't even first and foremost made for protection, hence having so many design flaws, like a liftable visor. They were made to look 'cool' and intimating above all. Form over function. But gotta expect that out of anything designed by both RD and Rarity.
this helmet was a gift from the stars themselves.
Given how FOE treated 'The Stars" that sounds rather ominous. As to the helmet itself..... well it was clear you couldn't use those features without the helmet, nothing said they were actually IN it, and not just the display, but those specific features, eh it makes enough sense The larger question is.. the helmet have their own isolated power supply and spell matrices rather then just running off the main suits ones?
Shame these things don’t cover the whole head.
Thank you for remembering this. And yet again, go go form over function.
this monster was huge.
Hellhound? Though why would it be talking and not just ripping him apart? only other bipedal creature I can think of is a Minotaur.
The creature lunged forward with one freakishly gnarled appendage
So, not likely a regular Hellhound, something else.......
Also, it's big.. but you have a pretty freaking massive BFG that could likely tear it apart.... I get you have limited ammo for it, but still, I think this is a good time to use it.
it merely shook its horned head
Still doesn't feel right for a Hellhound.. possible, but I'm going more for mutated Minotaur.
“Ha!” I jeered, “Suck it, you musclebound freak!
That stuff I said about mach having some survival instincts, and not being a total idiot... can I take that back? Never.. taunt.. the monster! If it's down, you then make sure it STAYS DOWN!, start shooting the damn thing while you can.
Four beefy digits slapped down on the metal floor beneath me, causing me to jump back in shock.
And this is why. You kind of brought this one on yourself Mach.
dumping me out onto the atrium floor
You do have wings.. you could have just jumped up and started flying the moment he grabbed the ledge.
Helpless, with no means of escape?
Again, coil gun.. just shoot the damned thing while it's fighting with the window. I get he is panicking, but there is more then enough time to work this out. Also "Fight or flight" and flight isn't an option. He has weapon why not try using them while you have a chance?
try and push myself out.
I saw the Battle Saddle getting caught, but I figured he would then remember, hey I have a big freaking gun that could tear this thing apart.
“Can’t really say I’m surp—whoa!”
You have got to be the least genre savy wasteland protagonist ever. And having the access hatches in the ceiling, with no apparent way to get to them.. and ponies really don't do so well with ladders? eh it is a pegasus stable at least.
... okay second least, but only because Puppysmiles exists.
Well, I’d apparently found the Enclave team that had wandered into the stable.
And it seems they left some time after you did. Or heard word about your ditching the skies. Have fun with this. I'd say out of frying pan etc... but this is honestly a more survivable situation then back with the Mutataur.
I had a pretty good guess now of why they were in the stable.
Well, why they are STILL in the stable at least. Doesn't tell you much about why they came in here in the first place.
What did you do with the Captain? Why are you wearing her helmet?
Huh.. or do they not know, and it's just the whole, him wearing the Captain's gear?
My dad was the true culprit, but I took the fall for him.
And if they ever get back to the Enclave, that will now have been for nothing given you just admitted your dad was guilty. Good going there dumbass.
he’s a terrible liar.
You know.. I can totally buy that reasoning. But I was half expecting it to be more along the lines of "He's to stupid/lazy/incompetent to actually pull something like that off."
Her white coat made them look an awful lot like her namesake.
Marshmallow ponies FTW!
I haven’t been a captain for over a year now.
I was wondering why she called him Cap. Makes sense, we know he's been promoted then busted back down a lot of times before. Guess she was one of his subordinates during one of his rare times between those two things.
“We think it’s a minotaur,”
Well that much is pretty obvious... to the readers. Yeah be a lot more obscure for a pegasus to know one on sight, doubly so one like this in these circumstances. Not something you'd have to deal with much living up there, and not enough in the Wastes to have much knowledge on. So yeah, that works fine. Good job story.
with the biggest puppy-dog eyes I could muster.
Doesn't' he still have the helmet on? Wouldn't that mess up being able to do that a bit? even if they are perfectly clear, which is possible but... eh think they'd more likely be tinted, the rest would still mess with getting the expression right.
It would seem that the goals of this stable were to see if peak physical fitness and the successful pursuit of one’s personal goals for each and every pony would circumvent the chain of events that brought about the Great War.
... that... that out right IS Iron Will!?
Okay.. first off.. that experiment....... eh it seems rather.. odd to me... maybe its just initial reaction. Even for Stable Tec it feels kind of.. silly. And yet, there is enough logic to it that.. yeah I could see it being plausible. So can't say I love the idea, but I don't hate it either. It makes enough sense that it could work, just not a plan I particularly like, so just a YMMV thing. But kudos on having a Stable experiment that is actually in line with what Stables were. My biggest berserk button in FOE fics is ones that treat Stables like vaults. Or just stick any random idea into them simply for the sake of thinking the idea is cool, when they make no sense in the larger context of what Stables were for. So good job there. It does logically work, just a case of being just a tad more odd and silly then I'd like. Just a tad bizarre for me to really love.
Of course this then leads to the question of how the hell this stable failed early enough for this to still be Iron Will and cause him to mutate. It had to have failed pretty damn soon after the End. Also..... why would they include a Minotaur in a Pegasus stable? one built for ponies with wings?.... Then again Pegasi are the more athletic, aggressive ponies on the whole, so the ones that this would most likely work well with. Plus Stable Tec tended to build Pegasi Stables with more open space, which would help out something the size of a Minotaur. So yeah, that also makes some sense when you look at it. And would explain why this one was so much lower down then most pegasus stables.
Now the biggest question of all..... while I can buy this experiment.. they went right to Iron Will himself to put it in motion? He had to be fairly old by then, of course, who knows how long lived Minotaurs are. Maybe that is the final "Just a tad to bizarre for me to like even if I can admit it makes sense." bit. It being Iron Will himself that pushes it just that little bit further. Though, going by the comics, he had toned himself down a bit after PYHD, so it might have made more sense.
Still overall, great job keeping to what Stables really were, what they stood for, and having an experiment that worked logically, even if it's one that I don't think is the greatest idea ever and seems just a tad to silly... but again that is pure YMMV. Objectively, this does stand up, and great job on that.
Now, how did it fail so quickly?
“You’ve no doubt guessed that the reason we’re here is to track you down,”
Huh.. no... never thought that.. but that leads to the next question.. if that is the case, what the hell are you doing here?
“It’s venting radiation and that entire level will kill a pony in a few minutes. Brightlance reckons that’s why the damn thing is still alive. She thinks it’s been ghoulified by the radiation.”
..... Story.. Story.. you were doing so well. Granted easy mistake to make, but does hold to close to fallout, ignoring the differences with FOE. That works in Fallout because the Vaults were powered by nuclear reactors, same radiation as the Bombs. FOE, it's never made clear what powers them, but it's some combo of geothermal power, and some sort of arcano-tec generator. The Bombs are Balefire, something totally different. No matter what is powering the Stable, it wouldn't create the same radiation Balefire does.
Though some sort of damage to the reactor would explain the issue with the Stable if it were the case.. it's not. Still, it's an easy and understandable mistake to make.
“Regardless, it’s a stupid idea to take that thing head on,”
Okay Mach, you earn back some "Not a total dumbass" points.
Secure the target and prepare for exfiltration immediately.
You really think getting out of here with an unwilling, restrained prisoner is going to work?
Our mission was to recover the stolen prototype.
Huh.. that... also makes a lot of sense. They'd want Mach back, but given this was clearly some black ops stuff being dealt with that got him to flee.. unlikely they'd send a squad like this, more a black ops specialist to do it discretely. But getting back some hard to replace tech? Yup. So the Coil Gun or the Scout Buck? 80/20 on it being the Coil Gun.
None of them trust me because of where I come from, and some outright hate me!
... Yeah already been over this.....
What the hell do you think you’re doing giving my troopers orders?
For all he's an utter idiot when it comes to dealing with others in a non-suicidal way. When it comes to a combat situation... he actually knows what he's doing. What he is doing, is trying to get all of you out of here alive.
“I think I’m making sure we all get out of here alive,”
You tell her Mach!
I’ve never lost a pony under my command,
That.... is pretty damned impressive and.. I can totaly buy that. Again, goes to show for all the idiocy, and the fact he's got some serious problems he needs to get the buck over when it comes to viewing anything not-enclave as inherently inferior, he's still got some damned good qualities and does give a fuck about others far more then most Enclave equinal seem to. (can't really call it 'personal' right?)
I don’t care if they want you alive!
Well, kind of good news for Mach. And again, makes sense given why he left. They want to get details, and/or make a public example of him.
“That’s… not me,”
He's he~re!
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed that thing didn’t gore you,”
Oh give it a rest bitch.
This gun was designed to punch through alicorn shields. It shouldn’t have a problem piercing the skull of a damn minotaur,
FINALLY!
either by design flaw or intention.
Good job Mach, ya broke it!
“That thing is coming through the wall!”
Like you didn't see that coming. How is this Stable still as intact as it is after two centuries of him running around inside of it? What did he do between everypony else dying, and the Enclave showing up? And why did they think Mach was heading to this Stable?
Continuing my dive downward, I leveled out when I reached an altitude I was certain would deter Aeolus’s pursuit.
So.. if they wouldn't go that low, why were they sent down to the surface after you to begin with? And again.... why did they think he would head to that Stable? Also, how high up was this thing if it had that much room to drop from, yet was still under the cloud cover?
...Which way had that been, again?
Oh Celestia damnit Mach.....
I'd learned my lesson. Speaking my mind was a bad idea here.
PRAISE LUNA! He CAN learn to not be suicidally stupid! It's not much, but it's a start to proving there might be some hope for this stallion.
A lawless pit ruled by slavers, raiders and merc bands.
So, Mach is heading somewhere Littlepip hasn't shown up then, time to branch off on his own new adventure.
All I needed was a name to coax the ScoutBuck into giving me a map marker.
Pip-maps... how the fuck do they work?
Today marked the day that I truly began my life in the Wasteland.
Cue opening theme music!
Okay, yeah this was pretty damned good overall. Not your usual Stable trek, slowly working out what went wrong, piecing together hints from letters and recovered journals till you finally find out the whole story, but a really nice alternative. Just enough mystery before the reveal, and plenty of atmosphere and OH SHIT! Did love Mach being able to meet pegasi that didn't automatically hate him. Other Enclave soldiers that were actual ponies, not zealots foaming at the mouth to carry out the will of the Enclave and exterminate all lesser beings. While still having Aeolus to remind us of those assholes being in charge.
The Stable itself... again the idea of it is interesting, it does fit the idea of what Stables were, but its just goofy enough a plan that I have to a bit. But... that's not against the story, story made a good job of making it work.. more at the CMC for getting that out there in their ideas for experiments. Still, great job making a Stable that wasn't a Vault, or just ridiculous. Even if the failing bit didn't work. Again understandable mistake, and the story does enough else to prove it's trying not going to rant about that. Even if there was a magical reactor, even if it did leak... it couldn't create a Ghoul like that. The reason Pink Cloud and Balefire could create Ghouls is because they are necromancy based magics to begin with. and also megaspells. It would work for Fallout, not FOE. Still could come up with some other explanation.. like say, being a health based Stable, the water source was a natural mineral spring or something, that was assumed to be isolated enough from everything it wouldn't be contaminated, but that did get irradiated.. would also explain how it failed so early on. Also the issue of just what Iron Will was doing in there for two centuries alone. But minor question.
Overall though great chapter, and now Mach's real adventure begins.
I don't understand why he's keeping the prototype weapon. It's clearly too unreliable for a fire fight. The only thing he's shot with it so far is a door. Plus he has to lug the massive thing around all across the Wasteland. Trading it for the Enclave not hunting him down is more than a fair deal. Put a sticky note on it so his R&D friend back above the clouds can know exactly how bad it is.
Then again, I don't understand a lot of what this guy does, and I'm enjoying this adventure anyway. He thinks a lot differently than your average wasteland protagonist, and that's kinda refreshing.
Sanctuary huh? Don't recall a place like that in FoE. Perhaps he's finally moving away from LittlePip's path. Might make writing easier when you don't have to worry about tripping over pre-existing events. A place on the east coast surrounded by scumbags to shoot with one spot named Sanctuary. Sounds like the Commonwealth. Or a coincidence. Too lazy to compare chapter release dates with game release dates.
Great chapter mate /)
I really have to pick up the pace, don't I? >.>
Okay, review time. The opening scene was... good. I got a sense that Mach was overwhelmed by the idea of death squads being on the lookout to capture or kill him and that he was panicking, but at the same time, I feel you could have expounded upon it. Give us more insight into what was going through his head. You did a little, and I believe you could have done so much better by building up on that.
You're early on here, and you're already exploring a Stable? I have to say- not bad this time. Not bad at all. I definitely felt the creepy vibe with the place, which was only compounded by the recordings that Mach picked up. Even though you only explored a few corridors, the atrium, and the overmare's office, I still feel we got a good idea of the deathtraps that Stables became. One thing I have to call you out on, however, is that the minotaur didn't really feel like a threat after the reader finally gets a good description of him. He looks terrifying and he shrugs off bullets, but I had a greater sense of threat from Sergeant Tempest than the hulking mass of raw muscle that could kill through power armor with brute strength alone. I feel that if you described how he tore up the place trying to get at Tempest and Mach afterward, he would've really felt truly threatening and relentless.
Moving on from that, I find it pretty interesting how you made stars the focal point of pegasi theology. It makes sense, too. They're special to the Enclave pegasi in that regard- out of all the ponies in the Equestrian Wasteland, only they had the opportunity to see the night sky. I find your use of this fact very creative and believable.
The same can be said of the scene with the Steel Rangers. At first, I was thinking, "What the buck? They're wasting a whole artillery strike to get at one pony?" Then I remembered. These are Steel Rangers we're talking about. Excessive firepower and overkill is their game plan and their only game plan. That got a laugh out of me in realizing that, so props to you.
Okay... Greaser. I have to be forward about you on this one. I find it very, very hard to believe that one pony just outside the DMZ would take in a stranger- a pegasi in Enclave uniform at that- and use her entire healing supply on him. That, and for some reason, she wants to tag along with him- and be his friend after just meeting him. For all she knew, he could've just woken up, held her at gunpoint/killed her, and looted her stuff. What was she doing there in the first place? Sure, she came from Sydneigh, I get that, but... just what's going on with her? Why so trusting? It just seems too... too convenient for my tastes. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.
About the memory, though. I actually smiled a little as I read that because it actually has a surprisingly close parallel with Frost from my own story. I'll let you reach that point on your own, but maybe you'll get as much a kick out of it as I did.
Will continue reading this. Until next time.
Adder1
That took way to long to read through but darn, did I enjoy it. I think that Fallout Equestria stories have to be the strangest fanfictions I've read; they all essentially cover a similar ground and yet each one brings a strange newness to the table. The original needs no explaining, PH has an odd feeling of nostalgia (to me) Heroes has a bluntness to it, Memories has its antics and yours has an oddly realistic feel to it that has given me more inspiration than many stories do. Keep up the work when you can, you've earned my interest.
Hello! Let me first apologise for the long wait for your review. To cut a long story short, life happened, and it completely slipped my mind. Starting two jobs on the same day, as well as a boiler breaking, and Christmas happening can really take over your thoughts.
However, I've got the next couple of days free, ao I should be able to get it done for you soon.
Sorry once again
5488310
aaaaaaaa you're back aaaaaaaaaaa
You're remembering correctly. Kind of. The government knew, but nobody else outside of his family did until the escape. I did some adjusting because of the Mary Sue concerns. I did a lot of early story adjustment because of those concerns, as you'll soon find out.
Even those worries aren't entirely the same as they used to be.
5489082
Dunno who your favorite character is, but if she was in the original there's a 99.9% chance that she's in the rewrite.
Oh, I've got plans for them. Big plans, indeed. You'll be seeing those two pretty soon, in fact.
>Mach in a dress
WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA
Mach doesn't do things by half. Full racism, full disgust.
Still hashing out what I want to do with the recovery team. I've gotten quite a bit of speculation regarding their fate that I want to take into account before I make any final decisions.
5489638
Oh, well then you're in for quite a treat, my friend.
5489685
Mhmm.
Noticed Maverick and Goose. I was raised on Top Gun, so I took notice of it immediately.
5492077
>Raised on Top Gun
Me too, man. Me too. Mach's 'theme' is even Mighty Wings.
Those two are being phased out in the rewrite, unfortunately. They were just placeholder characters and I took the opportunity to make a reference, but I've got more prominent characters that are better suited for the role, now. This was written before the story had a solid direction, so my options are a lot more open the second time around.
5492434 Also just noticed Ghostrider in Ch 24.
5503004
Oh yay, it's nice to see you again! Regular commenters give me the warm fuzzies inside.
Gotta love that dramatic irony.
5504196
For your viewing pleasure, this is what a coach gun was.
OK, I've caught up. Allow me to give my overall impressions.
It started out as an average, kinda-sorta mediocre story about someone that left their home for a greater good. Kind of an overdone trope, but you pull it off nicely, and Mach—as you've written him—fits that role to the point where I can overlook the milked trope.
As I read on, my interest kept climbing and climbing with each chapter. I was like; "What's gonna happen next?" *reads next chapter* "Well shit!"
As for Chapter Seven, I thought it was really well done. I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?!?" when the minotaur ghoul was chasing Mach through the Stable/Vault. wanting to know what it was made me read on, and now it's 11:30pm at night as I type this, and a fic rarely makes me stay up this late on my PC to read. Usually I get into bed and read random things, but this one made me be like; "MORE!"
At the end, the story up until this point had good pacing, decent character development on the part of Mach, and I'm eager to see what other characters you introduce and how you develop them. You get a solid 8/10, and the remaining two were because I felt the beginning two chapters rather bland and uninteresting, and the beginning is what you want to hook your readers, but I'm glad I pushed through to the end.
Now the question that I don't know how tired you are of answering: When can we expect more chapters to be published?
I see it's undergoing rewrites, but that begs the question: If this is 60k+ words right here, then how much more are we to expect?
5511418
Funnily enough, the original started out with a good hook, but it didn't really fit in with the way things were rewritten so I had to yank it. Complaints early on were actually that the pacing was far too rushed, which was why things slowed down quite a bit in the rewrite, but I'm glad you pushed through it to see the rest of what the story had to offer. It's rare that I hear someone say Outlaw sucked them in and compelled them to keep reading on, so it certainly gives me a smile each and every time I hear it.
Not as tired as you might think. As you can see, I haven't exactly been receiving much feedback on the rewritten chapters. Half of these comments come about after I encourage and badger people, and half of them are from friends trying to help me out by advertising (Bobulator). I think I had all of one comment for over a fortnight?
Anyway. That said, I really needed to hear this. I think you may have given me the motivation I need to really get moving on the next chapter. It's nowhere near as long as this--in fact it's pretty short and sweet--but there's a good bit of action, some titular plot development, and we're introduced to the next party member as well.
Outlaw originally totaled 550k~ at completion. After rewriting, I dunno where we'll stand. I'm adding a lot, but I'm also cutting out quite a bit, too. The story could easily run longer, shorter, or right around the same total as the original.
5511906
I'm not sure if you have heard this before, but if you put out more chapters you'll get more feedback. I'm just as keen as anyone else here to read more!
5512942
I am well aware of that. The thing is, feedback generates motivation to work, which produces material for people to read and give feedback on. When this chain is broken, things tend to take a lot longer than normal. It's a vicious cycle.
Unique to the situation is the fact that these are rewrites. Before, it wasn't that big a deal to me. Now that I'm changing so many things for the better, I have a much sharper eye out for commentary to judge how much I've improved the story.
5512974
Nonetheless, I'm still eager to see more chapters
5450211
That makes two of us, because this took way too long to respond to. I apologize for that. As odd as it may sound, I was rather intimidated by your comment. Saying Outlaw had given you inspiration made me so unbelievably happy that I couldn't even articulate a proper response. I didn't want to let this fall by the wayside, and I really needed to express my gratitude for your comment. It's little things like this that keep me going. It doesn't always have to be a huge, in-depth review, but taking a minute to say something beyond "i liked it, moar plz" provides a huge boost to my motivation. I'll keep doing my best, and I hope to do you and everyone else proud.
5467152
Real life getcha again? >:3
5516742
Oh hush, you.
I'll have the review up in a day or two. Just trying to reorganise the entire FO:E group, at the moment. No biggie
5516861
Hmm...?
Alrighty! Apologies one final time for the delay. I had to hurry through the first round of judging for the EqD competition that's currently going on, but it's finally here. Hopefully, it'll be worth the weight
IT'S REVIEWIN' TIME
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Initial Impressions
I've got to admit, that cover art you've got is pretty nicely drawn. Strange how common nicely drawn commissions are, amongst FO:E side stories. That said, it did kinda worry me about how this story was going to go. The vast majority of that image I've got no problem with, but the main character...
Blood red fur, spiky red mane, futuristic-looking armour with an eyepiece, and a scowl so fierce it looks like he's a Saiyan prince? Yeah, not a good first impression for the protagonist, honestly
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See what I mean?
Technical Junk
Generally pretty high. There's the occasional problem (most commonly repetition of words in a short space), but they're infrequent enough to not warrant worry.
This quality of this story's prose has been a pleasant departure from the standard FO:E stories. In WRITE, I have the most tolerance for FO:E sidefics out of the entire group, so have become the de facto "Fallout Guy", resulting in all these stories getting shoved in my general direction. I'm also an admin of the FO:E group, so the constant exposure to the quality of writing (or lack thereof) in the majority of those stories can really grate on my sensibilities. But here? No such problems. Hell, you're probably the first FO:E author I've seen who actually uses em-dashes, as opposed to just slapping in hyphens and calling it a day. Nicely done.
Bit redundant, no? Unless you mean "old" as in "been alive the longest". In which case, the context confuses the meaning, as "My oldest friend" normally means the friend you made first, and have thus known for the longest time
The Bit with the Story and Stuff
The opening couple paragraphs of the Prologue are pretty strong, I'll readily admit. Certainly leaps and bounds ahead of most of the weather report openings that tend to plague this little corner of the internet. That said, one minor quibble is the fact that the main character stops, and takes the time to explain that Celestia is dead, and was pretty laid back before she died. I mean, that's common knowledge in the wasteland, no? Not exactly something you'd need to spell out, at any rate. A simple "that can't be right..." or similar would suffice, I feel, and end up reading less clunkily.
But otherwise, an introduction featuring the main character's parents? Ballsy move, but I think it worked out. Makes a refreshing change from all the angst angst angst that's common in this sub-genre. And the father's unexplained Wonderbolt hate was a rather nice hook, too. Very nice.
A small caveat, however. When dealing with the mysterious summons, I find Mach's anger understandable, but his behaviour... less so. Being a Lieutenant, one would assume he would realise insulting/swearing at an unknown figure from the government could have serious repercussions, no? Especially telling them to "fly head-first into a brick wall". I get that the character is supposed to be frustrated with the situation, suffering from a hangover, and be rebellious in general, but I still feel such a flare of anger would be... unrealistic. Especially when he was just contemplating about how he couldn't afford any more strikes on his record. Either he's not as angry as this scene makes out to be, and thus the scene is wonky, or the character is extremely short tempered, to the point where them reaching Lieutenant at all is highly questionable.
A Lieutenant being in command of only two other ponies seems... odd? I'll admit, I'm not the biggest military buff on the planet, but I was under the impression that they'd command at least one squad, normally more-so. I suppose it's possible that Mach being part of a scout group/special weapons testing squad may have a role, but still...
Also? A soldier being in a relationship with their direct superior? Definitely frowned upon IRL. Might need some 'splainin.
When fleeing from the Enclave, the pursuers are gaining on Mach, so he speeds up, fails to break the sound barrier, and crashes. Right?
But... if they're gaining on him when he's almost breaking the sound barrier, then they all have to be flying faster than the speed of sound. Which would mean sonic rainbooms, right?
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I thought it was twenty-twenty hindsight?
This is just after being mauled by timberwolves with one (heavily bleeding) wing hanging limply from his side, aye?
Characters and Other Thingamabobs
I've got to admit, in what I've read up to this point, by far your story's weakest link has to be your main character, Mach. Which can be kind of a big problem, y'know?
I touched on it earlier when talking about the cover art, but Mach, to me, seems rather... flat? Dull, certainly. I'll try to explain, briefly:
Mach has blood-red fur, dark red hair, is prone to extreme anger, is rebellious and a rule-breaker, yet is still relatively successful. He has massive amounts of natural talent, and is rather cocksure as a result. He commands a team whose job is to try out the most cutting-edge hardware the military can make in real-life combat scenarios. He has an attractive, fiery girlfriend who is also a member of the experimental testing team, is the son of a three-star General (who he doesn't get along with), and older brother to a Colonel. He gets given extremely useful prototypes by a friend (who makes aforementioned Enclave weapons) as gifts. He's noble, kind, and is strongly hinted at being capable of performing a sonic rainboom.
Correct me if I'm wrong in any of that, by the way. Oh, while we're on the topic, wasn't there something in the original FO:E, saying that all ponies capable of performing a rainboom were very closely observed by the Enclave? If so, then the fact that this rainboom-performing son-of-a-general is questioning why people would investigate him is... odd.
But anyway. Basically, what I've described in that paragraph above can be, unfortunately, summed up in a short sentence:
"Calamity, but more awesome!"
...Aaaaaand that's not really a good thing, y'know?
All of this is very strange, considering how well characterised I thought he was in the prologue. Well... maybe. From what I've read of the comments, the prologue is new with the rewrite, aye? So the other chapters are being updated/modified, whereas the prologue is completely from scratch? Or are the other chapters completely new as well? Hmm.
Your other characters are generally pretty good. Doc was very obviously Doc Brown ponified, which would normally grate on my nerves a bit, but his role was small enough (and the references few enough) that I was okay with it. The family was all pretty solid in their portrayal, with Mum being the strongest and Dad being the shakiest. The Gawd family are pretty accurate as well, I think, but it has been an awfully long time since I read the original. Just about three years, in fact.
God damn, three years...
General Doohickeys
The character "Duster" is described as "a country pegasus". Something about that term doesn't quite jive with me, seeing as they all live above the cloud layer. Perhaps this is a US vs UK thing because, for me, a country person is someone who comes from the countryside, and I'm not sure I'd call anything made of clouds "countryside". Meh, it's probably just my upbringing being a bit odd.
I do like the hints of a more star-based religion, in this culture. It fits well with the paranoia the Zebra exhibited in the original story.
Overall Hoojamaflips
Overall, I'm going to say I... didn't quite enjoy this story. Which is a real shame, because it had a promising start, some really neat ideas, and you clearly know how to put words on a page. But Mach, for me, drags it down.
My advice for you, at the time of writing this, would be to focus on making sure Mach is a balanced, nuanced, interesting character. I like the idea of a story about a Dashite finding their way in the wasteland, but you'd need to either distance Mach from Calamity (and give him more character while doing so), or make the story about Calamity himself. But... work on Mach, and I could definitely see myself enjoying this one.
Or it could just be me being a fussy, british git. Either or
Hope this helps!
~Professor Plum, WRITE’s Drunk Demoman
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I myself should apologize for the delay. I usually bounce back quickly from criticism of the story, but criticism of my characters especially takes me a little longer to recover from. I dunno if you're one of those people that acknowledges replies or not, but I'll go for it anyway.
On 'Technical Junk'
Hearing this actually greatly amuses me. I was rejected from EqD not once but twice due to technical concerns, which was why I sought out WRITE in the first place. The fact that they don't have much of a leg to stand on confirms that they are strongly biased against FoE fics. They just don't want to come out and say it.
On Mach's attitude with regards to rank and superiors
Mach would absolutely bite his tongue and hold himself in check... had he been on duty. Once he's off the clock he doesn't have any qualms about letting his temper fly. The fact that he was being forced to use up his own free time was enough to cause him to shoot his mouth off, and with no visible rank insignia on the trooper, repercussions were the furthest thing from his mind.
On Mach's squad size
It was a lot larger before he was reassigned to his current posting. There are scenes from his past that crop up later in the story that show him leading much larger flights of troops.
I'm very aware of this. I even addressed it right in the chapter:
Not quite. As cocky as he is, he doesn't start to push his limits until they begin to gain on him, and then he attempts to outrun them by breaking the speed of sound. It's a desperation move.
You are very correct, yes. I've taken this into consideration even before the rewrite. I can certainly see how you'd think it odd that he's panicking about being investigated, but there are very specific circumstances brought up later in the story that explain that. It's not as cut and dry as you may think. There's quite a bit of depth to it, but it wouldn't do to dump all that in the first few chapters, would it?
On Mach as a character
You and I are going to have to agree to disagree here. Calamity is the noble, selfless son of a widowed drill sergeant, fed up with the Enclave's bureaucracy to the point where he feels his skills would be better off helping those who truly need it. Mach is the selfish, spoiled brat of a high-ranking officer who has absolutely no appreciation for how easy his life has been. He takes everything in his life for granted with the exception of his family, who he'd bend over backwards for in an instant, to the point where he'd throw away a life of cushy living just to spare his father without first taking into consideration the rest of his family's feelings. Even in the wasteland his snotty attitude persists, and he's done everything thus far for personal gain rather than to help other people like Calamity has done. He's an asshole. Pure and simple. An asshole who will gradually change across the story as his experiences and the people around him subtly alter his perspective. A by-chapter model isn't the best for gradual character development, so it's hard to get a scope of it this early on.
The prologue is written entirely from scratch. Chapters 1-6 are heavily edited and cut/bolstered versions of their previous selves. Chapter 7 is, like the prologue, entirely written from scratch, as will be the rest of the rewrites.
On 'Countryside' terminology
In the US, it's generally used the same way. In Outlaw, there are expanses of cloud between cities that would be considered rural territory, and therefore synonymous with the country as we are familiar with it.
On star-based religion
I'm quite proud of this one, actually. A lot of thought went into it, though I explain it in bits in pieces instead of making it one big exposition dump.
On your parting comments
I'm sad to hear that you don't care for the story, especially with how strongly your review started. I'm not out to force anyone to read against their will, but I will say that as I mentioned previously, Mach's development is gradual. It might not seem like it at this point, but I assure you that I have given it a great deal of thought, it's just a slow process that spans the course of the story. I can't have my main character going from elitist snob to jaded wastelander in all of eight chapters, can I? That just wouldn't do.
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Mm. I think one of the big problems with EqD (or it used to be one, dunno if it's still true) is that they try and enforce objective rules on writing style by sticking to one guide, which results in all manner of upsets.
That, or maybe the PR you've been getting is one with much higher standards than mine. I know Pascoite is a demon for that sort of thing
My Drill Sergeant friend assures me that Mach is an idiot
Fair enough. Might want to drop some foreshadowing in there, aye?
Aye, I did notice that, but the fact that they've been caught doing so multiple times with what would appear to be no real punishment is... not great. Yes, I'm aware you also mentioned Mach has lost and gained rank repeatedly, but how lax the Enclave command appears to be is really stretching my limits of disbelief.
To give a real-world example, Sgt J. M. Hendersen of the Marines claimed to be putting on a fashion show (secretly in the hopes of being able to foster relations with some of the volunteers), and a number of female marines wanted to get involved. He took the measurements of four women. No sex occurred.
He lost rank, was confined for 9 months, and was given a Bad Conduct Discharge. For measuring the proportions of soldiers with a measuring tape. Sure, he tricked them into giving him the measurements, but it's a bit of a step down from "Repeatedly did the deed on-duty", no?
Side-note: Don't ever let a military man talk about Camp Lejeune. It's... not a nice thing to hear about.
Fairy nuff.
Oh no, don't get me wrong. I wasn't saying the motivations of Mach and Calamity were the same, merely that their accomplishments/circumstances were remarkably similar.
And after hearing that from yourself, I feel I may have an alternate hypothesis. One that also explains how I reached my verdict the first time.
See, you describe Mach as an asshole, "snotty-nosed" and selfish. And yet... it doesn't quite add up to that. As an example, what's the first thing Mach does when he sees the raiders chasing a random pony on the ground as he's flying over head? He goes to put his own life at risk to help them. Which is selfless, noble, and not snotty-nosed at all. You mentioned that he'd bend over backwards for his family, but going to the extents that Mach did to help his father, again, doesn't really fit with the "he's an asshole" description. Nor does his belief that the Enclave should be helping ponies in the wasteland.
My original thought was that Mach was supposed to be a noble character, who occasionally acted like an asshole in some misguided attempt to make him more cool, yo. Now? It's more like you wrote him as an asshole, but were... afraid (I guess?) of him being considered completely unlikable, so cut out some flaws. Which is, you know, understandable. The problem with it is that sometimes, Mach just stops acting like an asshole, and that doesn't do much for his character.
My suggestion? Double down on the dickishness. I mean, what does he actually do that's dickish before he gets chased below the clouds? He gets into an argument with his dad, shouts at a hooded figure while Mach's suffering from a headache, and there's one Pegasus that he shares mutual glares at while passing them in a corridor. On the asshole scale, that's probably just below "farting in a co-worker's coffee mug". Not much of an epic redemption story from that, eh?
So yeah. Play Mach as a snobbish asshat. Make him sneer at someone.
In the scene with the hooded figure, try not having Mach get angry. Make him get indignant. "How dare you! I am the only son of General whassesface", sorta thing. Think Draco Malfoy, with "I'm telling father!"
When Mach sees the scuffle on the wasteland floor, what if his first thoughts were "something something savages, probably stole his club mumble mumble"? You'd need to come up with a different way for him to get grounded, but I think that shouldn't be that hard. Have one of the military sisters tease him over looking at the groundpounders, and Mach gets all uppity and starts a fight. That'd work. Oh, and dropping the whole thing about trying to help the wastelanders would be a good move, too.
And when they get back to the clouds, have Mach run away to spite people. His father, the system, the maaaaaan, all that sort of thing.
Because the further up Dick Mountain he is, the bigger the impact it'll have when he comes crashing back to earth.
And don't worry about him being completely unlikable, cos you've got a couple things working for you. The biggest being that handy-dandy Prologue of yours. It shows that, yeah, he got into an argument with his dad, but he's still a momma's boy. It shows the reader he's not actually a bad person, just had bad things happen to him, and brought up in a bad place. Think Wreck-it Ralph, aye?
Another thing that could help is showing that he forms doubts about the way the Enclave works, instead of openly rejecting it. To go back to the "I've got to help this poor wastelander!" scene, Have him be the sneering imperialist at the start, but then realise that, actually, the pony being chased is actually a pony. Like him. And is absolutely terrified. It can be that moment that the Sisters Grimm but in and laugh at him, or whatever. I mean, think of the character moment one could have when he actually gets to know her, and then remembers the first thoughts he had about her were, yeah?
There'll be plenty of time to prove he's not as big of an asshole as he first appears to be. After all, you're only on chapter 8
But meh, I'm probably just hijacking your character, at this point. It's entirely possible that I've completely misunderstood your comment, and have spent the past five minutes rambling about nothing. Whoo subjective mediums!
Ah well. Thanks for replying, regardless. It's rare when an author actually acknowledges criticism openly, it seems.
I just finished reading chapter 27 of the original version... Tofu, why you do this to me?
I didn't help that i had just read the latest PH chapter beforehand.
Wow, really been over a month since I got to this? Damn.... on the bright side, less time to have to annoy you with screaming for a new update.
So Mach is being sent to raid a (assumedly) abandoned Stable for Gawd... this should be fun.
Well, you were passed out on a Raider mattress, would not be surprised to have a few bugs in your mane aft.... oh not what you meant?
Gawd... I can totally buy knowing this stuff. As I said last chapter.
And yet the Enclave hasn't raided it? You know I was going to make a "All the ones they cold find anyway" crack when he mentioned it but... GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Still odd they hadn't found it. According to Calamity they stripped every mountain above the clouds that didn't have something like a dragon living on it. So unless it's only a 'mid' altitude stable that was below the cloud cover, but still inside a mountain and built for pegasi. That could work.
I had said she was bluffing about calling the Enclave, and still believe she was. This? This.. I could TOTALLY see her doing. Also "Tie him up like a pig" hmmm, guess it could be a Griffon expression and make sense.
Littlepip hears about Redeye, and is instantly curious, wanting to know more, on the look out for more information, realizing this is something she should learn.
Mach learns about him, and totally ignores it.
Curiosity really can be helpful.
Agree to her demands, and then once outside of town and heading for the Stable, simply haul ass out of the area and never look back?
And of course you go and agree to it way way to easily to not make clear you are up to something. Need some ranks in bluff there dude.
Yeah, he kind of does. he's kind of stupid that way.
Gee, how could anyone EVER anticipate such an ingenious and unique plan like that....
Okay the overall idea is good, but just randomly grabbing something with no idea if it is worth anything, or if it is something he'd value more then getting the buck away from you. Not so much.
Until Mach opens his big mouth and lets them know it is.
Which includes... ummmmmm... nope that is pretty much all we've ever seen it do.
The Gilda is strong in this one. (She's just giving me a really strong 'Gilda" vibe)
.... Yeah, more or less.
Hey, KAGE was the one with the Hellhound daggers who thought engaging in melee with ponies with guns was a good idea. Reggie is the one with actual guns. She'll shoot Mach, Kage would gut him.
Oh... right.. that.. yeah that's... that's going to be a thing for awhile...
Wait, what's the 'freak' bit? Wait, didn't mach comment on having bigger then normal wings? Or, has it been so long since I read earlier bits I'm mixing stuff up and forgetting things?
How does the same smeg keep happening to the same guy?
No, just kind of an idiot.
And this is Reggie BEFORE meeting Littlepip realizing how bullshit Mach's issues are. They are that obvious.
Self centered much asshole? The griffons did nothing wrong. First off, they were only acting in self defense after the Enclave invaded their land. It was your father's choice to become such a massive dick over it and not find a way to deal with it. And in turn, leaves this all on him for his actions. Get over yourself Mach.
(Note that is directed at Mach the pony, not Mach the character, I do kind of like this part of him (from a purely academic POV) and yeah it's all part of his character and who he is. Still, it's bullshit that needs to be called out, but well done bullshit that is meant to be bullshit.)
Great comeback there Mach.
Also, spot on Reggie. To bad you know this isn't going to break through his thick skull yet, but, just maybe might leave a tony little scratch others can build on.
HE CAN LEARN! It's a miracle.....
Now let's see how long till he forgets this.
Okay, so it was a pegasus Stable, that was simply low enough to be under the cloud cover. Yeah that works out.
Wait, does he even have any sort of flashlight at all?
So, how did you guys find out about it in the first place?
Wait... if they were hovering in the air when this happened, which they were, why did he ever stop flapping? that would just put more weight on the claw holding him and make it hurt him even more. I get being tossed to quick and hard to recover, but he should have still been flapping.
We all know that proper term is "Birdiecat."
Yeah, that jacket isn't going to last long unless you get in touch with a pony that knows how to sew really well.
The same hooves you walk on all the time and that are likely covered in dirt and what not..... that does not seem all that sanitary.
No, no.. impossible. Your body is to squishy a wet to be turned into particulate just from blunt force. Being crushed like that would at worst liquefy your body, Not vaporize it or char it to ash. So no danger of becoming that,
... The lever... that shouldn't be there. You can't open a Stable Door from the outside barring a single override built in by the CMC, which requires first hacking into the door controls, and then providing voice prints of all three of them. Okay, likely also regular access codes that could be used as well. But still, the things are locked. Not that easy to just open them.
Claustrophobia. And, pretty damn well done version of it to. It makes perfect sense for pegasi in general, and even more so Mach given what we know about him. Add in the already built up tension and fear about this, all the stress he's been under... yeah that was.. really well done story. Also, very nice counterpoint to Littlepip's bought of agoraphobia right after leaving her Stable for the first time.
Orrrrr, some kind of weird fear toxins in the Stable. But.... no, just no, that's the fucked up shit a vault does, not a Stable. Plus, he got over it way to fast for that to be the case.
Story, GET OUT OF MY HEAD! But, good, that.. really would have ruined the moment, and a lot of other stuff.
yeah.. good luck with that.
Well, Gawd did say this was a Pegasi intended Stable, and the reason those were built into mountains rather then underground was to have extra room to have lots of open spaces pegasi could fly in.
Wha? Why... why would a Stable have something like that? They are isolated, closed, they shouldn't have to worry about the Wastes at all. Hell they wouldn't even really know what was going on out there. Unless this is a Stable that opened up and they were sending scouting/foraging parties out to the Wastes.
Also, gotta agree with Mach on this one, even if it does somehow make sense, that is so damn cheesy.
Yeah no way you are making it through a creepy, run down Stable without encountering something that wants to rip your face off.
And Mach proves, he is not a total moron and does have some survival instincts.
That is one hell of a good question.
I was going to say "Tell that to Littlepip" but I can't come up with any point where she actually did this off the top of my head. The Pegasi she dealt with were either not in armor, or at longer range. The one melee fight I can think of where the non-pegasus side won involved griffons, so he is right about 'anypony'. Still, nice logical deduction. Enclave Power Armor uses magical Energy weapons, even if they didn't vaporize, they still cauterize the wound, so little blood. Of course that just means this wasn't pegasus on pegasus fighting. Have fun finding out what it really was Mach.
Huh... kind of makes sense. Bit out of nowhere, but logical enough. But now the question is, was that damage just an accident, done during the fighting, or was it scraped away on purpose?
In fact they weren't even first and foremost made for protection, hence having so many design flaws, like a liftable visor. They were made to look 'cool' and intimating above all. Form over function. But gotta expect that out of anything designed by both RD and Rarity.
Given how FOE treated 'The Stars" that sounds rather ominous. As to the helmet itself..... well it was clear you couldn't use those features without the helmet, nothing said they were actually IN it, and not just the display, but those specific features, eh it makes enough sense The larger question is.. the helmet have their own isolated power supply and spell matrices rather then just running off the main suits ones?
Thank you for remembering this. And yet again, go go form over function.
Hellhound? Though why would it be talking and not just ripping him apart? only other bipedal creature I can think of is a Minotaur.
So, not likely a regular Hellhound, something else.......
Also, it's big.. but you have a pretty freaking massive BFG that could likely tear it apart.... I get you have limited ammo for it, but still, I think this is a good time to use it.
Still doesn't feel right for a Hellhound.. possible, but I'm going more for mutated Minotaur.
That stuff I said about mach having some survival instincts, and not being a total idiot... can I take that back? Never.. taunt.. the monster! If it's down, you then make sure it STAYS DOWN!, start shooting the damn thing while you can.
And this is why. You kind of brought this one on yourself Mach.
You do have wings.. you could have just jumped up and started flying the moment he grabbed the ledge.
Again, coil gun.. just shoot the damned thing while it's fighting with the window. I get he is panicking, but there is more then enough time to work this out. Also "Fight or flight" and flight isn't an option. He has weapon why not try using them while you have a chance?
I saw the Battle Saddle getting caught, but I figured he would then remember, hey I have a big freaking gun that could tear this thing apart.
You have got to be the least genre savy wasteland protagonist ever. And having the access hatches in the ceiling, with no apparent way to get to them.. and ponies really don't do so well with ladders? eh it is a pegasus stable at least.
... okay second least, but only because Puppysmiles exists.
And it seems they left some time after you did. Or heard word about your ditching the skies. Have fun with this. I'd say out of frying pan etc... but this is honestly a more survivable situation then back with the Mutataur.
Well, why they are STILL in the stable at least. Doesn't tell you much about why they came in here in the first place.
Huh.. or do they not know, and it's just the whole, him wearing the Captain's gear?
And if they ever get back to the Enclave, that will now have been for nothing given you just admitted your dad was guilty. Good going there dumbass.
You know.. I can totally buy that reasoning. But I was half expecting it to be more along the lines of "He's to stupid/lazy/incompetent to actually pull something like that off."
Marshmallow ponies FTW!
I was wondering why she called him Cap. Makes sense, we know he's been promoted then busted back down a lot of times before. Guess she was one of his subordinates during one of his rare times between those two things.
Well that much is pretty obvious... to the readers. Yeah be a lot more obscure for a pegasus to know one on sight, doubly so one like this in these circumstances. Not something you'd have to deal with much living up there, and not enough in the Wastes to have much knowledge on. So yeah, that works fine. Good job story.
Doesn't' he still have the helmet on? Wouldn't that mess up being able to do that a bit? even if they are perfectly clear, which is possible but... eh think they'd more likely be tinted, the rest would still mess with getting the expression right.
... that... that out right IS Iron Will!?
Okay.. first off.. that experiment....... eh it seems rather.. odd to me... maybe its just initial reaction. Even for Stable Tec it feels kind of.. silly. And yet, there is enough logic to it that.. yeah I could see it being plausible. So can't say I love the idea, but I don't hate it either. It makes enough sense that it could work, just not a plan I particularly like, so just a YMMV thing. But kudos on having a Stable experiment that is actually in line with what Stables were. My biggest berserk button in FOE fics is ones that treat Stables like vaults. Or just stick any random idea into them simply for the sake of thinking the idea is cool, when they make no sense in the larger context of what Stables were for. So good job there. It does logically work, just a case of being just a tad more odd and silly then I'd like. Just a tad bizarre for me to really love.
Of course this then leads to the question of how the hell this stable failed early enough for this to still be Iron Will and cause him to mutate. It had to have failed pretty damn soon after the End. Also..... why would they include a Minotaur in a Pegasus stable? one built for ponies with wings?.... Then again Pegasi are the more athletic, aggressive ponies on the whole, so the ones that this would most likely work well with. Plus Stable Tec tended to build Pegasi Stables with more open space, which would help out something the size of a Minotaur. So yeah, that also makes some sense when you look at it. And would explain why this one was so much lower down then most pegasus stables.
Now the biggest question of all..... while I can buy this experiment.. they went right to Iron Will himself to put it in motion? He had to be fairly old by then, of course, who knows how long lived Minotaurs are. Maybe that is the final "Just a tad to bizarre for me to like even if I can admit it makes sense." bit. It being Iron Will himself that pushes it just that little bit further. Though, going by the comics, he had toned himself down a bit after PYHD, so it might have made more sense.
Still overall, great job keeping to what Stables really were, what they stood for, and having an experiment that worked logically, even if it's one that I don't think is the greatest idea ever and seems just a tad to silly... but again that is pure YMMV. Objectively, this does stand up, and great job on that.
Now, how did it fail so quickly?
Huh.. no... never thought that.. but that leads to the next question.. if that is the case, what the hell are you doing here?
..... Story.. Story.. you were doing so well. Granted easy mistake to make, but does hold to close to fallout, ignoring the differences with FOE. That works in Fallout because the Vaults were powered by nuclear reactors, same radiation as the Bombs. FOE, it's never made clear what powers them, but it's some combo of geothermal power, and some sort of arcano-tec generator. The Bombs are Balefire, something totally different. No matter what is powering the Stable, it wouldn't create the same radiation Balefire does.
Though some sort of damage to the reactor would explain the issue with the Stable if it were the case.. it's not. Still, it's an easy and understandable mistake to make.
Okay Mach, you earn back some "Not a total dumbass" points.
You really think getting out of here with an unwilling, restrained prisoner is going to work?
Huh.. that... also makes a lot of sense. They'd want Mach back, but given this was clearly some black ops stuff being dealt with that got him to flee.. unlikely they'd send a squad like this, more a black ops specialist to do it discretely. But getting back some hard to replace tech? Yup. So the Coil Gun or the Scout Buck? 80/20 on it being the Coil Gun.
... Yeah already been over this.....
For all he's an utter idiot when it comes to dealing with others in a non-suicidal way. When it comes to a combat situation... he actually knows what he's doing. What he is doing, is trying to get all of you out of here alive.
You tell her Mach!
That.... is pretty damned impressive and.. I can totaly buy that. Again, goes to show for all the idiocy, and the fact he's got some serious problems he needs to get the buck over when it comes to viewing anything not-enclave as inherently inferior, he's still got some damned good qualities and does give a fuck about others far more then most Enclave equinal seem to. (can't really call it 'personal' right?)
Well, kind of good news for Mach. And again, makes sense given why he left. They want to get details, and/or make a public example of him.
He's he~re!
Oh give it a rest bitch.
FINALLY!
Good job Mach, ya broke it!
Like you didn't see that coming. How is this Stable still as intact as it is after two centuries of him running around inside of it? What did he do between everypony else dying, and the Enclave showing up? And why did they think Mach was heading to this Stable?
So.. if they wouldn't go that low, why were they sent down to the surface after you to begin with? And again.... why did they think he would head to that Stable? Also, how high up was this thing if it had that much room to drop from, yet was still under the cloud cover?
Oh Celestia damnit Mach.....
PRAISE LUNA! He CAN learn to not be suicidally stupid! It's not much, but it's a start to proving there might be some hope for this stallion.
So, Mach is heading somewhere Littlepip hasn't shown up then, time to branch off on his own new adventure.
Pip-maps... how the fuck do they work?
Cue opening theme music!
Okay, yeah this was pretty damned good overall. Not your usual Stable trek, slowly working out what went wrong, piecing together hints from letters and recovered journals till you finally find out the whole story, but a really nice alternative. Just enough mystery before the reveal, and plenty of atmosphere and OH SHIT! Did love Mach being able to meet pegasi that didn't automatically hate him. Other Enclave soldiers that were actual ponies, not zealots foaming at the mouth to carry out the will of the Enclave and exterminate all lesser beings. While still having Aeolus to remind us of those assholes being in charge.
The Stable itself... again the idea of it is interesting, it does fit the idea of what Stables were, but its just goofy enough a plan that I have to a bit. But... that's not against the story, story made a good job of making it work.. more at the CMC for getting that out there in their ideas for experiments. Still, great job making a Stable that wasn't a Vault, or just ridiculous. Even if the failing bit didn't work. Again understandable mistake, and the story does enough else to prove it's trying not going to rant about that. Even if there was a magical reactor, even if it did leak... it couldn't create a Ghoul like that. The reason Pink Cloud and Balefire could create Ghouls is because they are necromancy based magics to begin with. and also megaspells. It would work for Fallout, not FOE. Still could come up with some other explanation.. like say, being a health based Stable, the water source was a natural mineral spring or something, that was assumed to be isolated enough from everything it wouldn't be contaminated, but that did get irradiated.. would also explain how it failed so early on. Also the issue of just what Iron Will was doing in there for two centuries alone. But minor question.
Overall though great chapter, and now Mach's real adventure begins.
I don't understand why he's keeping the prototype weapon. It's clearly too unreliable for a fire fight. The only thing he's shot with it so far is a door. Plus he has to lug the massive thing around all across the Wasteland. Trading it for the Enclave not hunting him down is more than a fair deal. Put a sticky note on it so his R&D friend back above the clouds can know exactly how bad it is.
Then again, I don't understand a lot of what this guy does, and I'm enjoying this adventure anyway. He thinks a lot differently than your average wasteland protagonist, and that's kinda refreshing.
Sanctuary huh? Don't recall a place like that in FoE. Perhaps he's finally moving away from LittlePip's path. Might make writing easier when you don't have to worry about tripping over pre-existing events. A place on the east coast surrounded by scumbags to shoot with one spot named Sanctuary. Sounds like the Commonwealth. Or a coincidence. Too lazy to compare chapter release dates with game release dates.
Did no one have a weapon besides the dud?