<

Overmare

Joined January 2012
84 followers

Groups

Stories (1)

  • A final gift
    Rainbow Dash lies at her deathbed with Scootaloo close by.

    2,784 words · 2,149 views · 33 likes · 6 dislikes

Blog Posts (29)


Rainbow Dash lies at her deathbed with Scootaloo close by.

First Published
19th Mar 2012
Last Modified
19th Mar 2012

Comments ( 17 )

#1 · 123w, 3d ago · · ·

eh 2/5 man, Could have used a bit more details around RD's deathbed and maybe an explanation why she wouldn't tell her straight out why she was her sister.

I'm not gonna down vote though because i'm not a dick

keep up writing though.  we only get better with practice

#2 · 123w, 3d ago · · ·

:fluttercry:

Manly tears were shed...

#3 · 123w, 3d ago · · ·

AWWWW sooooo cute :rainbowkiss:

But there are a few parts that go on to fast or it feels like some parts are missing. Like after Scootalo reads the note from Rainbow Dash she doesn't even pause to think about it.But a very good story over all. :rainbowdetermined2:

#4 · 123w, 3d ago · · ·

Manly tears were shed... R.I.P. Rainbow Dash. You will be dearly missed.

#5 · 123w, 3d ago · · ·

Whats with people making stories about everypony dying?!!!! :raritycry:

Very touching though :fluttershysad:

#6 · 123w, 3d ago · · ·

What did just say?

You might want to fix that xD

My only problem is that realistically, Scoots would been a little pissed that Rainbow never told her she had a family. And orphan would be. Not to mention, now that Rainbow is dead, she'll never know why her parents abandoned her, or what happened to them. Et cetera et cetera.

#7 · 123w, 3d ago · · ·

>>342621

*Cough* Had a part 2 planned *Cough* To explain anything confusing *Cough*

Sorry what? I have a bad cold :scootangel:

Also, I'm currently busy editing it with my editor fixing up all the errors.

#8 · 123w, 3d ago · · ·

I see, looking forward to it. :)

#9 · 111w, 4d ago · · ·

SO MANY MANLY TEARS!

#10 · 106w, 2d ago · · ·

I'll give it a read when I have more time :raritywink:

#11 · 106w, 13h ago · · ·

You have a good understanding of the elements of a good story, but the problem is how rushed it feels. To improve from here, I'd suggest really delving into how and why things happen. The way the story is now, Rainbow Dash looks like a bit of a dick for keeping the birth certificates hidden for so long, but if you gave Dash a reason why, then it could completely change the perception of the story.  Keep writing, and always thing about why things happen! You're sure to improve! :rainbowlaugh:

#12 · 105w, 4d ago · · ·

I have to agree with coments 1 & 11. Other than that the story was beautiful. Job well done.

#13 · 84w, 19h ago · · ·

I didn't even make it halfway through the story before I started to cry.

#14 · 78w, 3d ago · · ·

I hate myself for reading stories where my favorite ponies must suffer. But I can't help it...

Anyway, nice story. I had feels and shed some tears. But to be honest, it felt as if it was rushed. Things happened too quickly which made it hard to hold on to the intended emotions. Overall, a great read though :)

#15 · 78w, 3d ago · · ·

>>2034800

Yup, rushed is the right story for this, because it was. I couldnt write it anymore once my own feels kicked in, so I had to cut it off.

I plan on writing a proper sad fic involving scoots and rd with that one wallpaper I made. It should be good.

#16 · 73w, 1d ago · · ·

dayum. this is really hard to read after suffering the loss of my favorite uncle a few months ago.:fluttercry: but why did you say that pinkie died? wtf.:rainbowhuh:

#17 · 53w, 3d ago · · ·

I hate to be that guy, but I have to downvote this man.

The grammar was pretty bad, and the sentence structure really had problems.

The entire story was extremely rushed, without dwelling on the emotions of the characters at all. Honestly. Scootaloo would be crying at least, if not sobbing at RD's deathbed.

The descriptions, or lack thereof was a huge turn off in this story.

AJ and Flutters would certainly be going to comfort Scoots and would be present at RD's funeral.

Nothing about How RD or Pinkie died is ever explained.

Pinkie being dead is thrown in as an afterthought when it's a serious matter.

When did Twi and Rarity leave? also, how did AB and Sweetie get into her house?

Why did RD hide the certificates for so long? She needs a reason.

The balance between dialogue and description is practically nonexistent in this story.

Dash would definitely have told scootaloo that she was her sister before she died and in person.

Where do they live? never explained.

Everything in this story is so clinical. None of the characters show any emotion in their dialogue, Hell, not even in the descriptions.

Verb tenses are wrong quite often, Making most of the sentences confusing

None of the scenes are long enough to instill the emotion you are looking for in your readers. RD's deathbed is the prime example. Literally, RD's entire death takes place within about a paragraph and a half of text.

Obviously writers get better with practice. I'm not just gonna be one of those random downvoters though. This story has serious problems.

0 16281 49841
Login or register to comment