A Foggy Memory

When most of Ponyville falls into a strange trance, Twilight travels to Canterlot to consult Princess Celestia. Soon, she meets a powerful entity who seems to have his own agenda. Twilight is the only one with a chance of stopping him, but how can she win if she can't even trust her own memory? And what exactly is he trying to do?

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Comments ( 5 )

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TheMainManeMaineBrony

TheMainManeMaineBrony #1 · Feb 13th, 2014 · · ·

Well...that was...different.
*likes*

Silent Strider

Silent Strider #2 · Feb 15th, 2014 · · ·

Interesting concept, and an enjoyable enough read, even though absurdly powerful entities isn't something I particularly enjoy.

I might not be the best person to point this, but you seem to fall into two bad patterns I'm trying to free myself from.

- Repetitive phrase structure. Keeping phrases simple is a good advice, but it can be overused. Your fic has, in some places, an overabundance of "She <verb> <object>" phrases; I would look for places where that structure repeats too many times and try to mix it a bit. It would make the text less repetitive, and thus easier to read.

- Anti-LUS; just like myself, when I first read about Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, I stopped using anything except the character's name and pronouns; but going full blown into anti-LUS isn't a good idea, it makes the text more boring to read. My current rule of thumb is to use descriptions in place of names or pronouns sparingly, mainly when I want to evoke an image of the described character.

Also, I do think you should give a bit of a description to unnamed ponies, even if just their coat color. Without any description there is no mental image for the reader to latch to. This is not a problem with named canon characters, but it is an issue when you use unnamed ponies.

Flash Chaser

Flash Chaser #3 · Feb 15th, 2014 · · ·

That was cool gud jawb

Treble Tech

Treble Tech #4 · Feb 15th, 2014 · · ·

3946500 Thanks for the input. I'll keep all that in mind, especially about description. That isn't exactly one of my strong points, but I'm trying to improve.