This story takes place two years after the attempted Changeling invasion that took place at the royal wedding. Since then Celestia and Luna formed a new Equestrian Military to defend the land from any other invasions. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are going on a field trip to a new fort on the borders of Equestria and the Badlands. It has been peaceful.....up until now. See what the Commander of the Equetrian Armies, the Mane 6, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders do to take on the new Changeling queens and their hives.
"Hello there this is my first ever fanfiction (Oh my God!) and I've never written anything like this (Or anything for that matter) and I don't know if everything is good, like grammar and formatting and stuff like that so feel free to criticize (But be merciful) and I'm still in High School so there might be times where I focus on school rather than this but I plan to work on this for the majority of my spare time.
I would like some experienced editors to look at this and see if it's ok.
Tagged Dark for war and violence.
Tagged Sad for death.
Tagged Romance for some romantic themes.
P.S. this is my OCs story.
Cover art: http://assasinmonkey.deviantart.com/art/Changeling-Behemoths-321921574
The description looked a little promising, what with you having your tags and art sourcing in order, but the story (or rather, its formatting) falls apart quickly, because you forgot to put space inbetween each of your paragraphs. If you'd like I'd be more than happy to go through and edit this or whatever.
I like this! It looks interesting, and I will be watching this.
Just remember: start a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
Most new stories on FimFiction have grammatical errors in them, but this one is one of the most grammatically correct I have seen so far.
Good job! I hope you continue with this.
3825001
I would like that very much but I don't know how'd that work (I'm pretty new at this) so if you can tell me how I'd be happy to have you edit it.
3825497
Well, I could always just copy/paste this chapter into a program, and then edit and send it back to you through a PM. Sound good?
If it does, is there anything in particular you'd like done? Or, would you rather I just edit as needed?
First off, only use a tag if the genre / idea it corresponds to is a MAJOR theme in the story. Just because there's death doesn't make your story a "sad" story. There are lots of stories out there with death in them that aren't meant to be sad. Same goes for romance. When people look up "Romance", they want a story that is primarily about a romance or heavily features it... like, for example, it would be present in every chapter to some degree. If it's not, then don't add the tag. Just to help you out, since from the opening of this story I can tell it's more about adventure (which isn't even a tag :o) than sadness, darkness, or romance.
As for the story itself, here are some tips:
- Space out every paragraph from the last (paragraphs can be as short as just a word, by the way!) This includes spacing out EVERY time a new character speaks. This makes it easier for the reader to stay focused.
- "Colt Rangers" would sound better as "Foal Rangers" if there are female members in it. Foal means any young pony; colt just means young males.
- Less dialog and more exposition. I realize that while writing you can see everything in your head, buuuuut the rest of us sadly can't :P (not yet, anyway... one day dammit!). Try to put more detail into explaining the settings, the characters, their expressions, and exactly what's going on in a scene. This will be especially true during action scenes since, well, without any real ACTION, it's not very interesting, is it?
- I'm hesitant to recommend continuing with your pony self as a main character (I assume that would be SkyJak?). The problem with that is that writers like to make themselves perfect (if you're ever heard of a "Gary Stu", that's what I'm referring to) and nobody likes perfect characters. There's nothing interesting about somebody who's perfect; the drama in a story arises from how characters deal with their shortcomings, and how they just their few strengths to overcome their problems. But as long as your OC isn't Jesus Christ, there's no problem :P
- This isn't an issue yet, but it could potentially be one: make sure the Changeling war starts or is brought up as soon as possible. That's the driving force behind why someone would want to pick up and read this story, and if after five chapters it's just the fillies touring the fort, well, they're going to get kinda bored, yeah? Imagine the Hunger Games where no actual Hunger Games are mentioned after fifty pages... boring, yeah? That doesn't necessarily mean you need a bunch of crazy action in the next chapter, but slowly spoon in some of it so that the reader states interested (note that action doesn't mean just fighting; it can mean romance, or friendship issues, or rivalries, etc... any scene where two characters conflict or one character conflicts with themself on something is action).
Other than that, good first chapter. Things move along nicely :) I'll give this a watch, keep it up!
3825549
I'll let you do that and I don't think there's anything in particular so just change what you see fit.
3827289
So, I hate to say this so long after accepting, but I simply cannot edit your story. I want to, I really do, but life is starting to get in the wqy, and I fear that I would not be able to really get any work done for you.
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to quit. I'll most definetly keep reading, though.
3874854 That's ok I understand, life does come first thank you for trying though.