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Chrono_Ryono

Joined January 2012
60 followers

Stories (1)

  • Whispers
    The clash of the alicorn sisters, and the chain reaction it sets off in a young colt's life.

    54,068 words · 4,867 views · 162 likes · 8 dislikes

Blog Posts (16)


Stressed by the growing rift between herself and her sister, Princess Celestia confides in her brightest student of the age. That fateful night, young Princess Luna's bitter hatred boils over, instigating a clash that not only goes down in legend, but shakes the very foundation of Equestria... and divides the diarchy for a thousand years.

Sadly, for those left behind, the nightmare doesn't end there.

The kingdom stands weakened. Plagued by the political fallout of a princess' banishment. Ripe for exploitation by mortal and immortal alike, given enough leverage. Now, with precious few allies at her side, Princess Celestia must stave off those who would seek to rekindle the flames of war... and to bathe Equestria in darkness forever.

(Canon to seasons 1–3 only, Twilicorn-inclusive. Accounting for season 4 would require a complete overhaul!)

Equestria Daily

TVTropes

100% Approved by Twilight's Library!

First Published
18th Mar 2012
Last Modified
21st Oct 2013

Comments ( 111 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 109w, 4h ago · · ·

Amazing story, very well written :twilightsmile:

#2 · Chapter 1 · 109w, 3h ago · · ·

Ok, that was freakin' incredible. And I really do want to flatter you- you write the characters very well, I noticed, like, two errors in the whole 7000 word  story. The descriptions are wonderful, as are the thoughts of both ponies the story revolves around. You should definitely submit this to EQD if you haven't already, because this is already better than some of the things that get features there. A track, favorite,  and watch. Good show. :twilightsmile:

#3 · Chapter 1 · 109w, 2h ago · · ·

nice fict btw is that pink alicorn in the title looking at luna soposed to be celestia:applejackunsure:

#4 · Chapter 1 · 109w, 1h ago · · ·

Delightful!

#5 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 6d ago · · ·

:derpyderp2:

Excellent! You have my like.

#6 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 6d ago · · ·

You made my day.

Note that it's 7:45 AM for me, but still, no matter where in the day I'd have found it it would have made my day.

The simple reason: ignoring one or two self-consistent oversights, you seem to have a good grasp of how Middle English works. Its misuse is, to put it bluntly, one of my biggest pet peeves in writing, and to see someone that's actually put forth the effort to get it right (and, in places where you got it wrong, you got it wrong consistently, which showed you weren't guessing) puts a gigantic smile on my face. :pinkiehappy:

It's honestly alarming to see so many authors get it incorrect, but you got it correct and that really makes me happy. :3

As a gentle reminder: "thou" always functions as a subject of a sentence or phrase; "thee" always functions as an object. Also, "thou" conjugates present tense/linking verbs to have -est, -st, -t, unless they're irregular verbs; -eth, -th is only used for third person present tense verbs and/or linking verbs. And you seemed to get the royal/vulgar dichotomy down, so I won't talk about that.

I hope you find something that makes your day today too. :3

-Lysander

#7 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 6d ago · · ·

>>341014

Haha, to be honest, I don't really know too much about Middle English. I just cared enough to do a bit of research because I like to think I have a sense of integrity. :twilightsheepish:

I assume the mistakes to which you refer are regarding my use of -est and -eth. I thought at first you (or others) might point out inconsistency with Celestia's use of "you" and "thou" in different contexts, to which I would have replied that I did that on purpose - informal on some addresses, formal on others. But given you seem to know your stuff, I'll take it you figured that out. xD

And the thing that's about to make my day is bed. :ajsleepy:

Rest assured, anyone who comments on this, that there will be continuations to this story. For now, think of it as a standalone short story, but there is more to this continuity and it's on the way. And thanks all for devoting your time to me.

#8 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 5d ago · · ·

>>337185

Yes. =D

A lot of artwork I've seen for Thousand Years Ago Celestia has depicted her with a pink mane for some reason. I just used this image (credit to the artist, of course) because it seemed fitting enough.

#9 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 3d ago · · ·

>>349143    :fluttershyouch:

#10 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 14h ago · · ·

Very, very cool. Loved the internal dialogue and deep seated remorse due to negligence and oversight.

Looking forward to more from you!:ajsmug:

Love and Tolerance,

Kobalstromo

#11 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 13h ago · · ·

Overall, it's quite a proficient bit of work. I liked the style; it was efficient, descriptive and never overly verbose or purple. It's interesting, though; I almost would have liked to have seen it extended beyond its current ending. Much emotional hurt could have been woven through the battle all the way towards its climax. That way you could have had some awesome magic duelling and driven the emotional themes home a little harder.

I quite enjoyed this, so thank you. Keep up the great work!

#12 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 13h ago · · ·

Are you sure it's "Complete"? It said Part 1 on the chapter title and it definitely looked like it was going somewhere.

#13 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 13h ago · · ·

Brilliant

'nuff said

#14 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 12h ago · · ·

>>363144

It's complicated.:yay:

It's a standalone (or CAN be) short story that's part of a larger arc. There's also a story that occurs in its future (present day Ponyville) that is the main story. You'll see when I get there.

#15 · Chapter 1 · 108w, 10h ago · · ·

>>363643

I submitted it to EqD as a standalone complete short story, but it's part of a larger arc.

#17 · Chapter 1 · 107w, 6d ago · · ·

Fascinating... extremely fascinating. A short story that by itself can stand alone, but obviously there is more to this story then simply this.

Mainly I hope that this larger arc you talk about involves Arcanus, I wish to learn more about him...

#18 · Chapter 1 · 107w, 6d ago · · ·

>>363275

Well, that's good to hear. When I got to the end I was like: "Wut, where's the rest?" :rainbowlaugh:

Awaiting patiently for continuation/part 2 or whatever you will call it.

#19 · Chapter 1 · 107w, 5d ago · · ·

would thou joinest us for drinks?

No.  Wouldst thou join us, or Wilt thou join us.  You're using the auxiliary construction "would" to create the request in Conditional, so "join" remains unconjugated.

Might thou carest for wine? --> Wouldst thou care for wine?  or Mightest thou... no, that's awkward.

Her fondness for thee is quite evident.

When she asks about his family, you switch from "thee" to "you," and comment on the formality of her tone.  Judging from the scene with Nightmare Moon at the end, you meant "informality."  Your story is set in an age where "thee" is the formal tone used by royalty and "you" is reserved for the commoners.

[historylesson] In Elizabethan English, "thee" was informal while "you" was formal.  Over time, as the commoners began to use "you" in an attempt to emulate the Royalty, these same Royals switched their usage to "thee" in an attempt to avoid being perceived as anything like the Common Folk. [/historylesson]

I noted you also switch narrators in this scene.  Limited Omniscient is what most writers use, so seeing inside the heads of both characters is somewhat jarring.

thou can hath no greater relief. --> Thou canst have no greater relief.  Again, conjugate the auxiliary.

Just as thou, my dear sister and I never had a father... --> Just as thyself, my...  Could also use "thee," but sounds awkward.

Thou heard that? --> Thou heardst that?

Would thou accompany me? --> Wouldst thou accompany me?

And you undermine my comment about Elizabethan language by tagging Nightmare Moon's "you" as flippant.  So one or the other has to change.

I congratulate thee on thy archaic constructions!  From what I saw in the comments above, I quite appreciate that thou has invested so much time into the understanding of this antiquated and ephemeral topic.  And thy narrative hath shed a greater abundance of light on what is an occluded time in the history of fair Equestria.

#20 · Chapter 1 · 107w, 5d ago · · ·

In an effort to practice what I preach, I'm going to be the jerk here and explain why I didn't like this.

The first part is the OC. I have no problem with OCs if they serve a purpose that couldn't be filled better by another character, but you spend over 3000 words building an OC whose sole purpose at the climax is to witness things? I've skimmed your comments here, and I can guess that he probably serves a function in the larger arc, but if that's the case, this story should have been linked as part of that arc. As a standalone, it's a colossal waste of time on the reader's part to have this OC's backstory and emotions built up, such as they are, only to completely shift focus to the alicorn sisters. Within just the context of the story itself, you'd have been better served sticking purely to Celestia's POV with a third person limited narrator, or even to Luna. The POV shifts abruptly at times, and while I'm also fine with a subjective third person form of narration, that's usually done by scene breaks.

The next problem is Luna's actual fall. So she's petulant and then suddenly hey, Nightmare Moon. We're given some signs of envy, but we're given no buildup here, so there's no climax really. It's just another event that happens, only we now roughly how it all ends. No interaction except the actual conflict, no decisions except during the drama at the end; this is hardly tragedy. It's closer to slice-of-life, except without a resolution.

It almost comes off like this was part of a larger story that had a large section of it removed and pasted into a one-shot, then parts were trimmed down. As much as you have about your OC, his familial relationships only serves to broach the topic of Celestia and Luna's conflict with one another, rather than being a genuine facet of the OC himself.

Style wise, there's a heap of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome that could arguably be chalked up to the OC's awestruck impression of Celestia, but at times, the descriptors felt like the narrator just wanted to look fancy.

Mechanically, the story is generally fine. The major problem of note was the misuse of semi-colons as you tried to link an independent clause with a dependent one, or just a long appositive. For that, a colon, a comma, or even a dash would work, but not a semi-colon.

For all that, I can't fault you for what I hoped would be a new take on Luna's fall. Your story was pretty much what it said on the tin, and it's my bad for thinking it might be more than that, but that doesn't outweigh the drifting, aimless feel of the story.

#21 · Chapter 1 · 107w, 5d ago · · ·

>>369793

All of those mistakes in the English have been noted, and I plan to go back and update the story to fix them.

I wasn't aware of thee/you inverting their formality over time. To my knowledge, thou was always informal (or familiar) and you was always formal. Either way, we don't know what time period pre-NMM Equestria resembles, so I like to think of thou/thee as still being informal at the time. At any rate, you raise a good point.

I have Celestia switch between thee and you quite intentionally. Note that she uses the Royal "We" at the same time, because she is formally inquiring about the family of one of the kingdom's students. Whether there is still a misuse here I cannot say (I'll leave that to you), but I did what I did with a clear goal in mind.

And NMM, eh... I have her speak without Elizabethan English at all because that's how she speaks in the series. Of course, Luna's own speech pattern was retconned in Luna Eclipsed, so chances are we're supposed to "pretend" NMM spoke in that manner also. Oh well.

At any rate, thanks for taking the time to give some actual advice. I just hope it wasn't sarcastic. xD

#22 · Chapter 1 · 107w, 5d ago · · ·

>>370925

The posting of this story was a rocky process indeed. The original model was a story set in the present (with a summary to match), and this was to be its first chapter. Chapter 2 onward would be in the present, and around maybe... chapter 6-7, when these events come back to bite the mane six in the flank, I'd insert the second half of this backstory (hence the "Rise of the Whisper, part 1" subtitle people have been wondering about).

So yes, as you said, it feels like a small part of a large arc because that's exactly what it is. I submitted it as a short story because I incorrectly felt that it could stand as one, and I wasn't entirely sure I was going to continue anyway.

#23 · Chapter 2 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

I know I saw one 'lookied' or something.

Still great chapter. I wonder what the story beind the Princesses farther is... And what happens next

#24 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 5d ago · · ·

Nice devolpments. I love the interaction between Arcanus and his mother.

#25 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 5d ago · · ·

>>630391

Yeah, this one felt a tad... differently paced, both to write and read back over. Ironically, it's a bit faster paced than the fight (especially the brief appearance of Prism), with more focus on conversation than action. Dialogue's always been a weak spot of mine.:twilightsheepish:

#26 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 5d ago · · ·

>>630414

Yeah I noticed the difference...

If dialog is something your weak at then why not get an editor or proof reader to help you. I could fill that role though I doubt I'll help much.

#27 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

In before Arcanus is Twilight's ancestor.

But anyway, I'm really enjoying this story! This chapter progresses the story at a much faster pace than the previous two, but as a writer who has trouble with dialogue himself, I can ignore that.

Faved and liked, and definitely looking forward to more.

#28 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

That was one epic fight scene. Overall the story has been an amazing, emotional roller-coaster.

#29 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>635633

I'm glad you liked it (always happy to be of service!), but the emotional rollercoaster part made me:derpyderp2:

Thank you, at any rate, but I can't help but feel as though I'm not worthy of such a... strong compliment.:twilightblush:

#30 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>635668

Ok perhaps it wan't an emotional roller-coaster all the time, just at certain points (fight scene).

But I can't really express how much I enjoyed this, has it been on Equestria Daily yet?

#31 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>635674

Yup!

http://www.equestriadaily.com/2012/03/story-as-night-and-day.html

And yeah, I intended to make the Celestia vs NMM fight short and emotionally charged (even though it clearly took time offscreen). I don't like it when fight scenes drag on, because they tend to end up rather boringly narrated.

Just as a fair warning though, that was merely the introduction. While I do intend to introduce more emotionally-driven drama (including the story's absolute climax), let it be known that this is Arcanus's story. I appreciate your interest in the first chapters and respect if you don't really take to the OC, but at any rate my cards are on the table.:scootangel:

Thank you for taking the time to comment!:rainbowkiss:

#32 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>635700

I liked the OC too, he's very well developed. But it's one of these things where you can't really have one with the other. As in people will inevitably feel the Oc is sapping screen time away from the main characters, who they know and are more interested in.

#33 · Chapter 3 · 99w, 4d ago · · ·

>>635709

Aye. I didn't entirely warm to my own idea (OC set in a different time period? That's a step away from being an original story) at first either. However, a later plot arc in this story will take place in the present time. I didn't start writing a Friendship is Magic story so I could exclude the mane six.:ajsmug:

#34 · Chapter 3 · 96w, 1d ago · · ·

That awkward moment when your mother tells you that she would do you if she had the opportunity :twilightoops:.

#35 · Chapter 4 · 83w, 4d ago · · ·

"Ye mean... talketh, to her?"

Verily, this be merely second-worst of all the Olde Englishe ejaculations I have heard.

#36 · Chapter 4 · 83w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1258942

Fixed without hesitation. Now, what was the worst?

#37 · Chapter 4 · 83w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1258958

"I shall test thy worthiness to wieldst my power." -Luna, Tales of Symphonia

#38 · Chapter 4 · 83w, 1d ago · · ·

I'm confused. :applejackconfused:

So what is this story going to be?

The beginning with early-Celestia-Reign seems interesting but now I read about "Mane Six" Tag.

Going more dark-violence-Teen and ?Time Travel? (With Mane Six Tag I don't see other way.).

I'll continue to watch this story but I'm a bit unsure where is this story heading.:applejackunsure:

#39 · Chapter 4 · 83w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1275081

There's no time travel, but things will be a little clearer once the actual conflict is introduced (next chapter). The story's events eventually reach into the present day (around... maybe chapter 9-10), and that's when the mane six are involved, but I don't want to add their tag yet because it'd be false advertising.

#40 · Chapter 4 · 76w, 6d ago · · ·

Hope this updates soon. :3

#41 · Chapter 4 · 76w, 5d ago · · ·

These names... Stella Artois and Aurora Borealis.  Will we have a Stella Rosa or something?  I find these names entertaining, Author.

#42 · Chapter 4 · 76w, 19h ago · · ·

>>1531565

During the brainstorming phase, I was drunk and well... I looked at the empty Stella Artois and just thought "hey, that works."

#43 · Chapter 1 · 52w, 2d ago · · ·

The princess had invited him to her bedchamber, and was now casually offering him wine? That certainly suggested his impromptu invitation didn't mean he was in trouble, but... what did it mean?

. . . I do not believe it would be at all proper to give my answer.

As an avid reader of fiction, the years had taught him two very important lessons - one, friendship had its downsides, and two, love just plain wasn't worth the trouble.

Everything's got its downsides; most find that not being alone is generally worth it.

On the other hoof, you do have my deepest condolences that hormones and narrative causality are inevitably going to force you to ignore your second, quite cogent, observation.

One thing was obvious to Arcanus - this wasn't his arena.

Perhaps, then, you should abandon your instinctive desire to keep the invisible camera that's following you where the action is, and run away? I wouldn't recommend relying on Tia to shield you if things get messy; she could be quite busy with things more directly related to the fight.

How did I let things get this bad?

Such is the way of the limelight; it sweetly takes hold of the mind of its host. And that foolish pony did nothing to stop the destruction of one who had needed her most.

>>369793 Really? There was a period when thee was still in use, but as the formal second-person singular instead of informal? You learn something every day, they say, but I was hardly expecting to learn about the history of English while reading fanfiction in the middle of the night.

Thank you for teaching me something that I never would have known to ask.

#44 · Chapter 4 · 52w, 2d ago · · ·

>>2450332

Haha! I don't mean to sound defensive or confrontational (although such things would be incredibly hypocritical coming from someone with such a low opinion of his own work as myself), but what precisely are you getting at?

#45 · Chapter 2 · 52w, 14h ago · · ·

On queue, the fallen jewels embodying the Elements of Harmony sparked to life faintly,

That'd be "on cue."

Kneeled before a massive statue situated along the far wall,

And "kneeling."

#46 · Chapter 3 · 52w, 13h ago · · ·

her lifelike eyes had an unsettling distance to them,

It's remarkable; if you squint you can hardly tell that 'Tia isn't a real live alicorn.

Now, without adieu,

You mean "ado." And, for that matter, the phrase is normally "without further ado," though that is not to say that you couldn't have omitted the "further" deliberately.

My condolences, Arcanus. Clearly you're not going to be able to get out of this.

Then again, most likely you, like most ponies, have lacked the ability to get out of this since well before you ever thought you might be in this (an affliction that is sadly as incurable as it is endemic), so I'm rather tardy in offering condolences. Perhaps so late that I shouldn't be offering them at all, but rather endeavoring to help you become accustomed to the situation, or at least keeping quiet if I can't help.

#47 · Chapter 4 · 52w, 12h ago · · ·

Moonthistle grinned sheepishly. "... 'Kay, a tad more. Ever find thyself thinking 'gosh, this'd be so much easier if I had a screwdriver?'" That grin twisted into a gleeful smirk, as though she'd just discovered an unknown land. "I made a list."

Suddenly I love you, Moonthistle. In an appropriately almost-completely-Platonic way, of course.

Actually, I kind of envy you. I bet you can carry far more in those bags than I can manage in the cargo shorts that my temperature preferences insist I wear year-round. (And the clothes I don't wear have less pocket space anyway, it's ridiculous how they waste area)

How fair your studies?

That's "fare." You've really got to watch those homophones. They'll pretend to be your friends, and then without warning they're robbing you blind and defacing your Facebook page. You can't trust them.

I... do not think I should...

That's how you know you have to. I'm serious; most of my favorite memories start with me deliberately doing something stupid or embarrassing. Sometimes it ends surprisingly well, and usually it at least provides an entertaining story. A sensible choice you will probably forget within the week; a good mistake you can relate to your grandchildren if you want. Most people, myself included, don't engage in nearly enough chosen stupidity.

>>2450380 I'd happily explain what I was implying, as I recognize that I am unreasonably fond of leaving ambiguous and indirect comments, if you would clarify which part of my comment you are asking about. I'd feel I was insulting your intelligence if I explained everything, and if I guessed and only explained part I'd suspect I was being insulting and unhelpful.

#48 · Chapter 4 · 52w, 9h ago · · ·

>>2458926

The quote-by-quote structure, coupled with the fact you were speaking directly about the characters and their feelings rather than how I presented them, made it feel like a commentary. Whether it was "laughing at" or "laughing along with" I couldn't tell.

Of course, feedback is feedback, but I guess I was perceiving an attitude of some sort. Not that I'd blame you if there was, as I commend you for tolerating the writing up to chapter 4 if the attitude I'm envisioning is accurate.

(Besides the ado/adieu and cue/queue thing. I've corrected people on the latter before, and as I've rewritten the NMM battle since this was posted... I don't know how that managed to slip through. As for "without ado," that was a genuine error on my part I'll admit to; I figured "adieu" was reserved solely for when using it to farewell someone. xD)

#49 · Chapter 4 · 52w, 8h ago · · ·

>>2459798 I wouldn't read too much into the structure; that's how I comment on pretty much everything. And if I had a significant problem with how you're writing the story, I'd say it outright; if it's not clear if I'm implying something, the worst I could be expressing is that an action seems slightly out of character or an event seems a bit strange, but not beyond the bounds of what I'll believe. Usually, I just feel like talking to the characters or making some inane and unimportant remark.

#50 · Chapter 4 · 52w, 8h ago · · ·

>>2459845

Understood. xD

(I know, I know. One word replies are underwhelming, ignoring the fact this disclaimer makes it 21 words and a number.)

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