- Member Since 7th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 20th, 2023
pvtread
Brony since 2011, and huge fan of FOE. Also founder of Suicide prevention group.
pvtread
Joined 7th Mar, 2012 ·
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Good story.
You spelled the title of your fic wrong. And are missing a space at the beginning of the description.
I'm sorry to say that the title and description errors alone have put me off reading this story. You may want to correct them as follows if your intention is to gain the interest of a wider audience:
Fallout Equestria: Battleing the past (There should be no 'e', meaning it would read as 'Battling')
Nomatter how hard you run (Should be 'No matter', as opposed to 'nomatter' which isn't a word)
I'd also suggest fleshing out the description, but that's just my opinion and entirely up to you.
As the others have mentioned, you misspelled "Battling" and are missing a space. You should seriously correct this ASAP, as it will put a lot of people off reading this. As well, I believe "new years" should be adjusted to "New Year's", as it references New Year's Day(An official holiday, so capitalization is necessary.) - the first day of January. May as well add "Day" while you are at it.
(AN EXPLAINATION OF SOME THINGS BEFORE YOU JUDGE THE STORY)
I will be correcting this as time and avalibility of the office computer is made availible. I use my xbox to do all my work; so errors are going to happen ok. I did this story; well what you see as of now anyway, on a whim due to people wanting more of the Razor and Dusty saga. To those who are fans of this saga; thank you all, and I will continue it as inspiration strikes.
Well... That was... I guess I should start my review should I? Firstly, I want you to know that what you are about to read was by no means, written to be hateful toward you, or your story. What I say is honest, sincere, and straight forward. This is to ultimately make you a better writer in the long run. With this being said, let's get on with the review!
First I'm going to address the larger-than-life elephant in the room. The gammer. At least I can say that you are in some way trying to resolve the issue. (I remember you saying you wanted an editor in the forum under the post I made.) I can't edit for you, but what I can do is tell you how to fix some of your frequent mistakes, and how to address them better.
The first part of your grammar I want to cover is the indented paragraphs. Indenting paragraphs are a good, and often clean way of making your story present itself more neatly. However, throughout your story you can't seem to decide whether you should use TAB or five spaces.
For example, take these two paragraphs:
The tactic worked almost too well; and soon bands of raiders were content to just attack random houses. Soon they had given up on town hall all together, and instead set their sights on the small schoolhouse near the edge of town.
And,
As the noise in the streets increased Peach saw shadows moving through ally ways and the streets. Screams from next door nearly sent her in to panic mode, and she thought briefly about making a run for it; but then she remembered the two foals in the house with her, and remained at the door. She had twelve rounds in the gun, and a box with one hundred rounds sitting next to her; along with a syringe of Med-x, and two heath potions. She would die for those two foals if it had to come to it.
Can you notice the difference? The spacing in the very front of the first paragraph is shorter than that in the next one. The reason for this is because one has used TAB to space it, while the other has not. A simple thing to correct. Keep in mind that you can do one of three things when spacing paragraphs:
1. Not space the front your paragraphs at all. (A perfectly acceptable way of writing a story.)
2. Indenting your paragraphs. (By using TAB, or alternatively you could intent it five spaces in by using your keyboard. Do not use them together in the same story.)
3. You can cram, or put your sentences together. (Used often for books to save space, this method is looked down because of the single-page format FiMfiction is set up in.)
Never. I mean NEVER, combine the two. Don't go with no spaces in the paragraphs to suddenly putting them in. While you have not done this, it's just some helpful advise. Now the next thing I want to go over is sentence structure. Because there are times that made my hand forcefully hit my face while I read this. One of those particular instances is in the paragraph:
(Note: I will highlight in bold lettering where the structural mistakes are.)
I was coverd in splinters of wood from the former guard tower, and a bit disoriented from the missile`s impact. I knew that this was just the begining; after all, I knew how these raiders attacked and that they were simply attempting to wear the town`s defences down before trotting in and doing what they always did. There however was one thing they would not be expecting; and that was me. Totting to town hall I started to ring the bell signaling that we were under attack. Soon every member of the guard was armed and ready to defend their town.
What you've done is scrambled the words to where the sentences sound off. Granted, this isn't horrid writing, but it isn't good. What I mean, however, is that these sentences I have marked don't flow correctly. Writing is like painting a picture with words. If the lines are not straight, or curved properly the picture comes out malformed, and unclear. How the paragraph should be written is:
Splinters from the wooden railings covered every inch of my bruised body. My ears rang as the deafening sound of the missile's impact echoed in my ears. I knew that this was just the beginning. After all, I know how these raiders attacked, and all they were doing was wearing down the town's defenses. Testing us for weaknesses in our lines, before attacking us at our weakest point. There, however, was one thing they would not expect; and that was me. Totting to town hall I started to ring the bell signaling that we were under attack. Soon every member of the guard was armed and ready to defend their town.
The small group of words I highlighted in bold letters in this paragraph is something I want to address briefly. I just wanted to say that when I read that, I face palmed real hard. I would reframe from using little things like this in the future.
However, do you see how nice that looks? Just read how much more better that sounds. How it flows, and moves. This is how you should be writing. I'll give you this though. I can tell you haven't been writing long. It does take practice. Hopefully, this will give you some insight into some of the issues you are having.
With that all said and done, I want to go over the narrative portion of this review. Most notably the story. Please understand what I say is 100% honest. The last thing I want to do is lie to you. *sighs* Okay, let's start this.
First... What the heck just happened? After I was about halfway through this I was thinking to myself who these characters were, and just where the story was taking place. Is this a sequel? Or a prequel? Because you write this as though everyone knows who these characters are. If this was a prologue than it would be completely understandable, but, as far as I can see it's not. For example, in the first paragraphs we can see this:
"A week after my night with Peach; I found myself lieng next to her in our bed, you read that right. After pretty much establishing our relationship, she moved in with both me and my daughter. You should have seen; and heard Dusty when I told her that she would not only be getting a brother; but a new mother figure."
Who the heck is Dusty? Who is Peach? As the readers we are left confused, because we have no clue as to who these ponies are. Additionally, I don't think your character formally introduced himself. I think his name is Razor, or something. You should of had Peach roll over, and mumble his name while she talked to him before he left, or something. That way we know who he is.
"Getting up as I always had since becoming a town guard member, I set to work getting my gear together as Peach slept."
He's always been a guard? Of what town? We don't know. You don't tell us. At all. The sheer amount of complete vagueness is appalling. More so, all there is, is action. Stuff blowing up, and ponies dying. Why? We. Don't. Know. There's no character development, no build up, no explanation nada. This shuffles into another thing you need to address. Your description. The world is bare. If writing is painting a picture with words, your picture here is just a blank canvas with a few crudely drawn figures on it. Heck, they don't even have faces really. What is their color? Their mane color? Eye color? Is it cold outside? Or warm? How big is the town? You sparsely address these things in your story.
What I would recommend you do to correct this is to think descriptively. Like this, "The man, clad in a long waving sapphire coat, stood silently at the end of the alley. The cool midnight breeze, brushing gently against his pale skin. Upon his the man's head rested a fedora, that casted a darkening shadow over his mysterious face." Did you see how vivid that picture was? While I could have probably given you a better example that will have to suffice for now. However, don't go so much into detail that the story loses its pace. Oddly enough, this brings up another thing. Your pacing.
In this, Razor (I'll call him that from now on) goes on and on about various things that sadly do nothing for the story. In fact, you could remove probably 50% of the words in this and still just then have a flowing story. For example:
Unedited section: Getting up as I always had since becoming a town guard member, I set to work getting my gear together as Peach slept. She soon would be getting up and getting ready for her job at town hall. I kissed her head as I left the house for my shift as I always did; but that day... just seemed.... off for some reason. Trotting to the town armory I checked out my usual tool of trade for the shift I was to take. My weapon of choice you ask; it was a twenty guage pump action shotgun. My ammo of choice was twenty guage hollow tip slugs; I liked my targets to be dead fast.
Upon reaching my scheduald route I set to work on trotting up and down the dusty street.
BLAM
I swivled my ears to make sure I wasn`t hearing things. When I heard nothing else, I resumed my trotting.
"RAZOR; GET OVER... BLAM
Galloping over to the guard tower the shout came from I saw a fellow guard dangling from the ladder barely breathing, and with a hole in her chest.
"MIDNIGHT.... NO; HOLD ON I`LL GET YOU DOWN."
The dark blue mare looked at me with a tear in her eye as I gently pulled her down from the ladder.
And now for the edited version:
Getting up as I always had since becoming a town guard member, I set to work getting my gear together as Peach slept. I kissed her head as I left the house for my shift as I always did. Trotting to the town armory I checked out my usual tool of trade for the shift I was to take. My twenty guage pump action shotgun, with twenty guage hollow tip slugs; I liked my targets to be dead fast.
Upon reaching my scheduald route I set to work on trotting up and down the dusty street.
BLAM (What is this? BLAM... How about, BAM! Now that sounds more effective. Or how about? KAHBOOM! See how that sounds?)
I swivled my ears to make sure I wasn`t hearing things. When I heard nothing else, I resumed my trotting.
"RAZOR; GET OVER... BLAM
Galloping over to the guard tower the shout came from I saw a fellow guard dangling from the ladder barely breathing, and with a hole in her chest.
"MIDNIGHT.... NO; HOLD ON I`LL GET YOU DOWN."
The dark blue mare looked at me with a tear in her eye as I gently pulled her down from the ladder.
In this I removed almost 50% of the words used in the original first paragraph. See how much more neat it reads? Still it's not great, but it is better. Not just that, but for an opening chapter you completely bypassed your characters and jumped straight into the action, which I will say honestly, is bad. To fix this, you need to envision the action happening in real-time. Picture how you would react in the battle, and try to imagine how it would play out realistically. This helps, only if you have a good pace going.
But you know, now that I look at it your characters they're... Well, for lack of a better term -- devoid of personality.
Let's look at Razor for a second:
*Really powerful gun, with unjustifiably powerful ammo (Check)
*Pony who saves the day, and heard the attack first and decided to ring the bell. Even though there were missiles/gunfire/and structures being blown up ahead of time. Yet, it seems none of them seemed to care, or hear that their town was under attack until after Razor rang the bell because then things got serious when he did. (Check)
What about Peach?:
*She can defend herself (A good trait, so check.)
*Is the mare friend... wife.... or the something of Razor. (Check.)
Aaaand that's it. Really, there isn't much more to these characters than what I've listed above. Granted, I've seen much worse. But this is really not good. Think about who each character is. What do they like? What do they not like? Where do they stand on different matters? Would they kill, and be okay with it? Or are they the kind of character that cares about pony life? Consider these things when making characters. You decided how they are created, and we the readers will enjoy reading about characters with real personality that we can see, and believe.
In conclusion. This really needs work. I mean it really needs it. However, I can tell that to some degree you tried to get rid of the errors, and that you did try (despite your lack of experience) to write a cool story. While it did not turn out good, you gave it a try, and that's what matters. I applaud you for even trying to create a story. Many people will look at themselves, and just shrug it off. But not you. You ignored your weaknesses and said, "Screw you reality! I'm going to do it!" And you did. That alone deserves a like. What it all boils down to is this. You need to work on your story, and as you said in the forum, you need an editor. BADLY. I would recommend going to the writer's group, or the proofreader's group. I'm sure you could find someone there who could help you. (In fact, a whole re-write with the editor would probably be a good thing.)
I'll give it a like, but will I follow it into the next chapter? Probably not. I sincerely hope what I've said to you will help you. As sometimes the best things need to be told straightly. With no amount of restriction made when doing so. That is the only way writers, such as you, can become stronger.
- Derpcookie15
Proof that with enough waiting an idea will suddenly appear out of the blue lol
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)