135,782 words · 2,584 views · 217 · 35 ·
- Human in Equestria
- my little pony the show, episodes, and seasons
- The Nyxian Alliance
- Fighters for The Right to Publish Stories Involving Characters of the Species Homo Sapiens and Against the Unequal Treatment of Fimfiction Users Through The Introduction of Gold Accounts and Against Any Other Changes To Fimfiction.net Made by Poultron
- The Whiny Emo Bitches in Equestria Group
- Library of Humanity
- Overly Stupid Fanfiction
"Ugh! Where am I?" asks Equestria’s one and only human, having woken up in a strange room. DJ blinks his eyes several times in an attempt to stay awake. He felt like he just downed a six pack of Mountain Dew and had a full bag of Doritos to go with it. Man, Pinkie’s cooking really packs a sugar crash punch. DJ then rolls over, hopefully to find out where he was, only to see a familiar purple dragon staring right back at him. Engage screaming in 3...2...1..."AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Their double scream must have awoken the other occupants of the house as the sound of two sets of hooves were heard pounding down the stairs in a flash.
"WHAT? What is going on? Who is screaming?" asked the purple alicorn from the stairs.
"Twilight, there's a human on our couch!" yelled the young dragon.
"Oh! Is that what this about? Well, Spike this is our new house guest, his name is DJ. He comes from a different then the world we visited. He also seems to know a lot about Equestria," Twilight Sparkle explains to her assistant.
"What's happenin' Spike?” says DJ with a goofy grin. “As Twilight said, the name's DJ and it is an honor to meet Twilight's Number One Assistant. I hope we can become buds." Spike just gave him a suspicious look, something DJ has gotten used to in the past twenty-four hours.
"Oookay, but I got my eyes on you."
"I wouldn't expect anything less. Morning Twilight, Nyx, sleep well?"
"Yeah, I loved your songs last night, Mr. DJ." Well ain't she just the cutest thing in the morning. Honestly, DJ had no idea how those ponies in the story could be so mean to this perfect little filly. Well, buck them, he figured. They don't deserve to be around such an amazing pony as far as DJ was concerned; that's the truth.
"No need for formalities, little one. Just call me DJ, your awesome new house mate! Thanks, though. To be honest that was the first time I ever did that," he said as he rose from his position to where he was sitting on the couch instead of laying down.
Twilight looked at him questioningly. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that was the first time I ever played an instrument and sang in front of a crowd. Thank you Genie! Last night rocked, but for some reason, my memories are a little fudged. What's up with that?" DJ wasn’t kidding, everything from the previous night seemed to be one big blur in his mind.
"Oh, that is probably the side effects of your drinking contest last night," Twilight says oh so matter of factly.
"Wait! Time out! WHAT?!" DJ was visibly shocked. He DID NOT remember drinking alcohol last night. He was still underage! (In America, anyway)
"Yes, don't you remember drinking all that cider? I am still surprised that you beat Applejack in a drinking contest! Thirty drinks! Wow! I mean you had drank so much before then, even that big glass you had before going on stage."
"THAT was alcohol? I could have sworn I was drinking soda!" Sure as Tartarus tasted like it!
"You know, a carbonated drink? That is exactly what it tasted and felt like I was drinking. Are you screwing with me? I mean, I don't have any of the common signs of a hangover. No headache, my eyes don't feel sore. Just feels like I went through a massive sugar crash," said DJ checking his face in a nearby mirror.
Twilight looked both surprised and intrigued. "Are you sure? I mean that stuff was pretty strong. It was 0.2% proof! You should be plenty hung over."
"0.2%? Wow, that is pretty weak. Back on Earth, the common proof was around 4.0-5.0% alcohol. Then again, I wouldn't exactly know since I have never had a drop of the stuff in my life." Okay, so he’s has had a few drops, but that stuff was disgusting to him. No smoking, no drinking, I want to live as long as possible, thank you very much.
"5%!! That could kill anypony who drank that! You humans must have a really strong alcohol tolerance. Fascinating!" She was already taking notes! Now that is devotion! I can respect that.
"Yeah, I guess. What a weird way to start drinking. So what's on the schedule for today, guys? Whatever today is?" he asked in an attempt to figure out what time of the year it was.
"Today is Saturday, August 3! And today, after breakfast, we were planning on giving you a tour of the town,” Twilight answered with a smile.
"August! Whoa, freaky.” DJ looked over and saw Twilight staring at him in confusion. “Don’t worry about it Twilight. Not something of importance.”
It was January when DJ left home, so he was trying to determine whether he jumped forward, or backwards. Either way, it didn't really matter. DJ really did not want to talk about time-travel. Just thinking about all that stuff was enough to give him a headache talking about it. Paradoxes, parallels, and all that crap. YEESH!
She looked a little down about that, but respected his decision. They had a lovely breakfast of pancakes and sides, prepared by Spike of course, but then the subject DJ really dreaded came up when he tried to push away the side of grass without the others noticing. "You really should eat your grass DJ. It's really good!" encouraged Twilight.
"Yeah, it may not be my favorite, but it is really tasty," said Nyx trying to help her mother.
"Uh, yeah. I was really hoping this wouldn't come up for a while," DJ said with a look of uncertainty.
"And what is that? Can you not eat it?" asked Twilight, who had her notes ready underneath the table. Twilight will always be Twilight, of course.
"Exactly, Humans are unable to consume grasses like hay, oats, and well...grass. It doesn't work well with our digestive system."
"Oh! Well, then what do humans eat? I didn't really get a chance to do studying at Canterlot High, so I am really curious." Man, who could resist that beautiful, longing-- STOP THAT DJ! You only just met, and you are terrible with women. Just keep those in your perverted dreams, Romeo.
DJ shook himself out of his thoughts and then went right for the truth. "Well, um.....humans are omnivores."
"What is that?" Now even Nyx was curious. Oh, man, please, please don't let this end badly.
"You know about herbivores and carnivores?" DJ received a few nods in response. "Well, an omnivore is both. Humans can eat a majority of fruits and vegetables, but we must also balance it with protean that we get majorly from, well, meat." DJ tried to sink into my chair out of shame, because he loved meat. Beef, pork, and chicken; mmm mmm good! DJ knew that he would have to give them up coming here, but it was still apart of who he was. "Please don't hate me for that?"
Their faces were in equal shock. Their new friend was a meat eater! "Why would we hate you?" Oh, Nyx please don't make this any harder. He really didn't want his favorite pony to hate him. "You don't eat ponies do you?" His saving grace!
"I would never eat a pony!! In fact, where I come from it is practically illegal to eat horses and ponies. They may not be intelligent on my world, but they are revered and well cared for due to their grace, beauty, and practicality. Plus, as I told you yesterday, I could never bring myself to eat you and that extends to everypony. As long as I am here, I well ready to go full vegetarian; if it means I can live here, I am willing to do anything."
Twilight smiled at me warmly. "In that case, I am sure everything will be fine. It looks like everypony is done eating, ready to go into to town?"
"Oh, yeah! I'm pumped." He got weird expressions in return. "It means I am excited, it's a human thing," he shrugged. That seemed to be a reasonable enough response for them. DJ walked out the front door, took in a deep breath, and was it was forced from his lungs as he was suddenly tackled to the ground from the right. Twilight and Nyx yelped when they saw their friend go down. DJ tried to stand, but something was weighing him down. He shook off the grogginess and looked at his assailant. It was a unicorn with a mint green coat and green-silver hair. No way! The stories were true!
"LYRA!!! What do you think you are doing to my friend!?" Twilight looked livid. Nyx looked on the verge of tears seeing her friend thrown down. DJ had never seen Twilight angry in person, but he figured she looked almost ready to rage shift and that was something he wanted to avoid at all costs. Lyra didn't even bother to acknowledge her; her eyes were locked on DJ, a big almost-manic grin plastered on her muzzle.
"Hello, Lyra," DJ said knowing exactly how to diffuse this situation. "It's a pleasure to meet you, excited to meet your first human, huh?" He chuckled a little. This was going to be fun. "Twilight already has plenty of notes on me if you want to ask her," he said motioning to towards Twilight with his head.
"You know who I am?" She looked utterly surprised. "You even know that I am into humans?"
"Yeah, you are a common character where I come from. Twilight can explain that to you later.” DJ really didn’t want to go into that again right now. “Hey, I got an idea! Why don't you come with us? Twilight was going into town to show me around. Can she Twi?”
Twilight broke out of her angry trance. "You want this crazy mare to come with us?" Twilight had really taken offense to Lyra’s actions towards her new study project. Of course DJ would probably not like being called that, so she kept that part quiet.
"Don't be like that Twi, she's just curious. Not all of us have the same kind of self-control that you do. Waddaya say Lyra? Want to hang out with a human for the day?" Her widening smile and beaming eyes were all the answer he needed. "Then it's settled! Come on, Spike, we gotta go!"
"Twilight said I need to stay here and look after the library," replied a depressed looking Spike. Being stuck in the library while his friends get hang out with a new friend just didn’t seem fair to him. Not to DJ either.
"Well, that won't do. Come on Twi, let the little dude come with. He shouldn't be stuck inside on a day like this," DJ said, arms wide to put an emphasis on it. It really was a nice summer day; Celestia’s sun was shining brightly, there was a small breeze in the air, and he could hear the birds chirping and children playing in the nearby park. "Spike can get to learn about his awesome new buddy and I can get to know an amazing little dragon." Spike look at the human with awe and glee.
“B-But the library! What if somepony needs a book?" Twilight looked a little frantic.
"Then they can come back tomorrow! No pony gets left behind! Not on my watch." ‘Never leave a man behind’; DJ lived by that code. Thankfully, Twilight relented not long after and their merry group was on their way. "So, where are we going first?"
"I have it all planned out!" Why does that not surprise me? "First, we go see Rarity at Carousel Boutique, then Pinkie over at Sugar Cube Corner, we'll probably run into Rainbow Dash after that. Then it's off to see Fluttershy and a trip back to Sweet Apple Acres and visit with the Apples!" Twilight recanted with a smile.
"Wow, you really do think everything don't ya? Haha, this gonna be great." Everything went off without a hitch. Lyra was really curious about humans. DJ decided to be upbeat about it, didn't want to ruin her dreams. He did avoid all personal questions, though. He was pretty sure Twilight noticed because she always looked at him when he diverted those questions. That was until DJ got a question from that very mare.
"How old are you, anyway?" DJ was a little dumbfounded. Then again, it's not like they know the differences between humans of different ages. He decided to play with this a little.
"How old do you think I am?" he asked. DJ was curious to see how close they could get. He noticed Lyra had her hoof to her chin in thought as well, probably thinking him over and trying to guess his age as well.
"Well, based on how you act and how you seem to carry yourself,” started Twilight. “I would reason that you are about maybe 25 years old." DJ was taken aback, mentally that is; he didn’t let his face show his shock. Twenty-five? DJ guessed that these ponies must have a similar age range to humans after all. People always told him seemed older than he was, mostly because DJ hung out with people who acted like they were thirteen when they were actually older than he was! DJ turned to Lyra, giving her a chance to respond.
She shrugged. “That would be my guess, too.”
"Huh, well girls, how old are you? It's only fair." Let’s see how old these mares really are.
"I suppose so. Fine. I'm nineteen if you so care,” she said with a little spite. Note to self: never try this again. Mares do not like being asked how old they are. Under any circumstances!
“I actually a year older than Twilight, so I’m twenty,” responded Lyra.
“I may look small, but I’m fifteen,” said Spike who DJ realized was walking right by his leg. Little dude’s got stealth, I’ll give him that.
“What about Nyx?”
“Since she was created by magic, as you know, her age is technically unknown. Nyx has the appearance of the being a filly the same age as the rest of her friends, so that is how we go by it,” explained Twilight.
“I’m nine!” exclaimed the little filly. DJ’s smile brightened with her enthusiasm.
"Huh, wow. Interesting. And there’s that kind of age gap between the two of us, eh Twi? Fascinating."
"Just the fact that I am the same age as a pony princess. Simply fascinating, wouldn't you say?" DJ said with a smug grin. Twilight and Lyra were visibly shocked.
"B-but you said---" Twilight started before she was interrupted.
"Ah, ah. I neither confirmed nor denied your suspicions. We are indeed the same age, Twi! I am a nineteen year old human." DJ watched as Twilight tried to process that tidbit, and it wasn’t going successfully. Lyra took it a little better, but was more focused on getting away from Twilight before the princess blew a gasket.
"That wasn't very nice DJ," said Nyx shaking her head.
"Sorry, Nyx. Just felt like pulling a prank on your mother. I think it worked. Others back home always believed I was older than I was. Just wise beyond my years, I suppose." Twilight was still both shocked and peeved at what just transpired between them, so the rest of the walk to the fashion mare's home was silent and uneventful as not even Lyra was willing to speak when Twilight was like this.
Rarity's Boutique was really hectic. She had designs and fabrics all over the place, but she dropped everything when they came in. Sweetie Belle was home too, but she was on her way to the Cutie Mark Crusader Club House. So Nyx took off and joined her, with Twilight yelling that they would pick her up after they were done at Sweet Apple Acres.
Back to Rarity. She practically begged DJ to let her get his measurements. She said that she wanted to be the first to design something for Equestria's newest creature. He let her and was surprised at how thorough she was, but he had to stop her before she got too personal. DJ promised to come back at a later date for a more perfect measurement. She accepted, but was a little confused. After they left, the Twilight and Lyra asked about it, but he told them that it was a personal human thing and asked them to just drop it. Not going naked in front of three female ponies and a dragon, thank you very much.
Speaking of dragons, DJ and Spike were really hitting it off. The two of them promised to have some guy time at a later date so that they could get into some real trouble, err, deep conversation. Seemed like it would be fun to both of them, though Twilight was very suspicious. It was surprisingly uneventful at Sugar Cube Corner when they arrived. Pinkie seemed had gotten all of the party out her last night and was just content with helping them get some sweets for the road. They waved goodbye to the pink pony, DJ promising to be on time for his lessons. DJ was excited beyond belief to learn Pinkie Physics. I could do so much with those! They did in fact run into Rainbow on the way to Fluttershy’s. How does Twilight do that? Rainbow was going on about her new trick, but could only talk for a few minutes before flying off since she had to get back to work.
After that, DJ got Lyra to tell him a little about herself. Turns out Lyra was indeed in a relationship with her roommate Bon Bon. Lyra wouldn’t talk much about it, but DJ could tell there was something deep between them. Lyra worked in Bon Bon’s sweet shop as well, serving as either the counter mare or a taste tester. She really enjoyed the latter job, maybe a little too much if her constant drooling was anything to go by. She also told him that she had been fascinated by ancient myths of the human race, but everypony told her that they were old mare’s tales and to stop with this ‘obsession’. DJ could tell it wasn’t an obsession, otherwise Lyra would be acting much more forceful towards him for answers. Nah, it was just a keen interest of hers that others misunderstood because of her dedication for it. Love and tolerate ponies. Love and tolerate. The group arrived at Fluttershy’s a few minutes later.
Fluttershy was still a little scared of DJ, but after helping her care for her animals for a while, she seemed much more comfortable around him. Flutters really was sweet, but they had to keep with Twilight's schedule and off we went to AJ's not even after an hour. Lyra had to go home to Bon Bon, along the way, though, so Twilight, DJ, and Spike said their farewells. Not before DJ had to promise to give her a study session with, though. After, they were once again on their way to Sweet Apple Acres. They found Applejack bucking some trees not too far from the entrance, but she stopped when she saw the three of them. She was appalled that DJ said her famous cider was actually a soft-drink where he came from.
"No wonder you were able to drink so much! Darn, bested by a human and my cider nothing but carbonation! Insult to injury, right there," she declared. DJ really felt bad for her, so he promised to use my first pay from the library to buy a bundle of her apples as recompense. He was in love with that fruit! He was even tempted to just pick them from the trees, but DJ wasn't gonna go behind the farm mare's back like that. DJ don’t role like that!
They ran into Big Macintosh on the way to get the girls from their clubhouse. He regarded the human with suspicion, but softened a little once they talked a little. And he means LITTLE. The dude barely said anything beyond ‘eyup’ and ‘nope’. DJ could tell, though, that there was so much more to the stallion and he planned on coming back to talk to him at a later date. We'll see if I can get the big guy to open up. They picked up Nyx not long after and headed home as Celestia's Sun was already setting. The foursome bade farewell to the Apples and the little fillies and arrived back at the library just in time for dinner. After dinner, they all decided to settle in for bed. Twilight sent Nyx and Spike off first, but stopped DJ as he headed for his new basement bedroom.
"So DJ? What do you think of Ponyville?" She had an eagerness in her voice meaning that she wanted an honest opinion on her home. DJ was eager to reply.
"I don't like it." She frowned and lowered her head a little. "I LOVE IT!" Twilight jumped at his exclamation, but beamed when she realized what he had said.
"Oh yeah, this gonna be a great home. I am living a dream! I get to live in world without war and fear, I got a new home and a job in one day (thanks for the assistant position by the way), and I have great friends. Discord, Genie, your friends, Spike! Even you and Nyx, my two favorite ponies and I get to be a part of your home!" She blushed a little at that. She blushes a lot around me. Why does she do that? "I just know that this where I was meant to be. Even carrying these weapons, you all accepted me. I feel...I feel like this could really be a home for me." He was getting emotional again! But, around Twi, it just came naturally. No idea why, though.
"Great, but why wouldn't you answer those questions about your life back on Earth? It was really weird."
DJ turned away for a moment to think on her question. It was certainly reasonable, but he didn’t know if he could really tell her. In the end, he just couldn’t bring himself to be dishonest. "I can't lie to you Twi, it's not in me. I don't really want to talk about, but as I have said, I don't really have any friends back home. Mostly just those I hung out with at school and just a couple of close friends. Other than that, I was mostly at home, my nose in a book."
Twilight was tearing a little, but chuckled a little about the book remark. "I wasn't really close to my family, even though I cared about them. We just never really connected, you know. We just didn't have the same kind of personalities. I have been against my world for as long as I can remember and they never understood that. So I tried to hide it from them, so I didn't hurt them. They have really strong opinions on things and it’s hard to change minds like theirs. It wasn't hard choice when Genie came to me. I completely understood what he was offering; a place where I didn't have to worry about losing my loved ones in the most terrible of ways. I don't regret my choice in the least, but I will miss them. They were my family after all."
Twilight was pretty close to tears. "I don't know how to respond to that DJ, that's pretty heart breaking. But, I am glad you are here. You seem like a very gentle soul and I am willing to help you every step of the way." Her voice and eyes spoke volumes more than the actual words she spoke. She was completely sincere. DJ couldn't help it, so he brought her in close for a hug.
"Thank you, Twilight. This means so much to me and I promise to repay in any way I can. I promise that so long as I am here, I won't let you or your family come to any harm. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." DJ now had a few tears in his eyes. He wasn't crying, though, it was liquid happiness. LIQUID HAPPINESS, I TELLS YOU! They both went to their separate beds after that, but DJ stayed up a little while longer and just looked out a window to his first perfect night. With the stars and moon as his only witness, DJ swore on his very soul that this land would become his new home; be hell or high water, as they say.