It figures. Rainbow Dash goes out practicing her aerial acrobatics to try and impress the Wonderbolts and busts her wing in the process, right before a big workload for the weather team. So it falls to someone else to cover for her: Me, Cloud Kicker.
I'm not worried, though: it's just the Summer Sun Celebration. Sure, Princess Celestia's going to be here, and is sending her personal student to oversee the preparations, but what's the worst that could happen?
Written for the Winningverse's AU Month, this story answers the question: "What if Cloud Kicker went with Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie to retrieve the Elements of Harmony instead of Rainbow Dash?"
Thanks to comicfan616 for being nice enough to provide a cover image for my fic!
Because Cloud Kicker is Cloud Kicker, rated Teen, but CK hitting on ponies is about as teen as it gets.
not sure if parody
Ooh, ooh, I know! *raises hand* Equestria would have suffered eternal night under the iron hoofed rule of Nightmare Moon.
Due to the lack of a 'Comedy' tag, I have to assume that this story is serious in its premise, but unfortunately, the premise is completely idiotic. Rainbow Dash didn't get the Element of Loyalty because the just happened to be there when Twilight discovered the Element of Magic and reactivated the other five. She got it because she is the Element of Loyalty.
If Cloud Kicker had been there: The Elements would not have worked, Nightmare Moon would have banished the mane five (plus CK) to the moon for all eternity, and Equestria would have suffered and fallen apart under NMM's eternal night.
3764657 Who says there can't be more than one pony qualified to be the Element of Loyalty? There's already been two ponies that have borne that element, so why not more?
Anyways, this looks like a fairly good start so far. Faved.
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Yeah, I haven't read the fic yet but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. If they literally were the Elements of Harmony we wouldn't have scenes where Applejack lies, Pinkie Pie is depressed, Rarity is selfish and Fluttershy is a bitch. Rainbow Dash isn't the loyal-est pony in all of Equestria, but she did represent the spirit of loyalty that night. No reason why somepony else couldn't have done the same.
As far as I am concerned, this is an Alternate Universe fic, so consider my disbelief suspended. Also, you get a like and a fave because I like where this is going.
Well, there is not a lot going on yet (which is a good thing given the length of the chapter) so I cannot really say much, but your mechanics look solid, the characters seem good so far, and the concept is awesome so you get a like and a fave from me. I am looking forwards to seeing more teasing between Cloud and Twilight in the future, and I am also curious to see how this plays out across the board because this is going to cause a whole cascade of major changes. Cloud's relationships with her family are going to be drastically different which will cause a lot of other changes, Cloud is going to be forced into closer contact with AJ which should be interesting given what AJ thinks of Cloud, we will get to see how she gets along with Spike for the first time which could have some interesting consequences on the Spike/Rarity dynamic, and I have no idea what is going to happen with Rainbow.
Also, I honestly have no idea why you have down votes at this point because there is really not enough to form a complaint about the story, but some people are just assholes.
What is it with people and their aversion to alternate timelines? As Clara Oswin said, "any old idiot can be a hero" so if the Winning Pony personifies Loyalty instead of Rainbow Dash, that's the deal.
Interesting start. Can't wait to see more.
Can't go wrong with this idea. It was pretty much the first thing I thought of for AU month too. And I'd have been disappointed as hell if nobody up and tackled it. I really can't wait to see the interaction with Fluttershy. I'm pretty sure that'll instantly be the best part of this fic.
Well, this will be interesting. Especially since there will be further reaching repercussions than just the Nightmare Moon incident. I look forward to seeing how this ripples through the timeline.
3764765 Those things can still happen because the mane six are ponies, not paragons. They aren't perfect, they just represent the element they received extremely well. Just because AJ is the element of honesty doesn't mean that she's incapable of lying. Pinkie being the element of laughter doesn't mean that she's immune to sadness. Heck, with the exception of Putting Your Hoof Down, any time we've seen Fluttershy hulk out (metaphorically, so not counting Power Ponies), it's been to help/protect her friends, not because she wanted to or liked it.
And as far as all of the 'Oh, it's AU, so anything goes' comments... Yes, it's AU, but it's an established AU with an established character who, frankly, isn't terribly loyal to anyone but herself.
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Not every headcanon in existence involves the Elements being exclusive to the Mane 6, or even terribly picky, Dianwei. There's sure to be ponies more honest than AJ, more loyal than Dash, more generous than Rarity, and more chee... no, actually, nevermind. Pinkie is the ultimate bearer of Laughter.
And if they became close friends, for a lot of people, myself included, that would be more than enough to buy the Elements working.
The Mane 6 are exceptional, but they may not be unique, y'know?
If you were looking at it from the point of view of fate and destiny, that's where the AU argument becomes very valid. Because in a different universe, that destiny could be likewise be different.
3765094 I'm willing to accept that, but... Cloud Kicker as the Element of Loyalty? Really? Granted I haven't read the entirety of Life and Times, but I made it through... 15 chapters and never saw anything to indicate that CK would make a good, or even last-ditch-effort, Element of Loyalty.
Ponies more honest than AJ? Possible, but doubtful in my opinion. More loyal than Dash? Again, possible but doubtful. More generous than Rarity? I have a seriously hard time with that after Rarity Takes Manehattan, but I suppose it's not completely impossible.
Not to mention, the mane six weren't really friends when they set out to defeat NMM, at least not from Twilight's point of view. The friendships between the ones already there is debatable, but AJ, RD, Pinkie, Shy, and Rarity just tagged along on Twilight's quest without her permission. They weren't her friends, they were just crazy ponies following her for no discernible reason. Granted, the became her friends during/as a result of it, but when they started out, Twilight wanted to do it on her own.
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The question is not "Are the main six the epitome of their elements?" They are obviously not perfect, and frankly if they were they would be boring. The question then becomes "Does Cloud Kicker exemplify loyalty?" And the answer is... it's complicated. I suppose it depends on your definition of what it means to be loyal. If it means staying true to somepony who loves her... it's complicated.
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The thing is... if you looked at Dash, it's hard to see the 'Loyalty' most of the time too. Like with Rarity, the canonical FiM writers haven't always done the best job of showing why she deserves it.
Let's put it this way. We see Dash turn down the Shadowbolts in the premiere to stick with her friends. That's the qualification we see. If Cloudy was offered something of the same calibre, say, NMM promising that her shame and family issues would be forgiven, could you really see her betraying the rest of the Mane 6? Of course not.
Cloud makes stupid decisions. So does Dash. She has huge personality failures, like Dash. But Cloud is the type who would probably throw away her life away to save a loved one without thinking.... like Dash.
She also has a lot more of the filial side of loyalty going for her.
It probably actually would become a little more clear as you went. You see more of the more serious side of Cloudy as you progress through the Winning Pony plot. And less of the fun-loving, commitment-weak ethical slut.
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Fidelity is Cloudy's giant, flashing weak point. But yeah, it's complicated, because there are other sides to loyalty than just, y'know, monogamy.
She was never exactly hiding the fact that she's not a one-mare mare, though.
3765173 True enough. I think I am focusing on Cloudy's lack of a loyal heart, because, you know... title? Maybe it would be better to have named it "The Life and Times of a Loyal Friend" at least then we know it's not focused on her heart... which is certainly capable of loyalty... just not to one.
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"with an established character who isn't loyal to anyone but herself"
Really now?
3765214 Cloudy is capable of loyalty... within a certain definition of loyal. To put it another way,it depends on what you consider loyalty to be.
Wow... when did Blossomforth grow a pair in this AU?
She's usually a lot more... reserved? Tactful?
So far so good.
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She is quite capable of loyalty as long as you don't mean sexual loyalty, at least from my understanding.
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yeah the cover image makes it really hard to take this story seriously
I actually like this story's premise, the "what if" of another character replacing one of the Mane Six is always cool to at least think about.
However, this story does have some pretty noticeable issues. Tackling the pacing first, it kind of whips us back and forth a bit as it tries to establish the scene. This is only made worse by how nearly every sentence is some form of declarative, like "I do hope Rainbow's okay." This might work if it were an inner monologue, or even better, Cloud Kicker muttering to herself about it as she works.
My biggest suggestion would be to alter up the non-dialogue to make it flow as opposed to a bunch of chopped off sentences stating things.
Grammar-wise this story does pretty well for itself, though the overall structure is still a little bit rough.
My other, and probably biggest gripe with the fic overall, has to do with how even though you've used the AU tag, you're trying very hard to be true to stories in the established Winningverse stories. And while to a point that effort is needed to prevent the story from spiraling off and being totally divorced from Winningverse, don't be timid about it! Strike out, make this story something that stands apart and earns that AU tag! And if you're going to include references to defined Winningverse fanon, at least let it come out through character interactions, as opposed to Cloud Kicker arbitrarily thinking about it.
I think this story has some great potential, though just needs a bit more work to get there
An interesting take on it. I admit I have wondered about this particular Winning AU myself...it's bound to draw a huge pile of Winningverse fans.
Yep, a seamless transition between the canon and CQ's Winningverse, and you're talented enough to match CQ'S Cloud Kicker narrative and personality as well as insert plenty of wit and humor on your own...so I'd say this fic is definitely going to succeed if you keep this up. Good luck!
Not bad, not bad.
A few grammatical errors, particularly the lack of commas here and there, but nothing deal-breaking. Cloud is what we've come to expect, but not flanderizingly so.
A solid start. Not perfect, but solid. I'll be keeping an eye on this.
3765135 Pretty much everypony is more loyal than Dash. She switches sides faster than a coin flip in midair.
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I have to chime in on this, but aside from the sexuality/relationship issues, you do realize that you're talking about a military deserter, right?
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Technically, no she isn't. She graduated from West Point (the pony equivalent) and then didn't serve in the military. She isn't actually a deserter. Or did she even graduate? I forget if she ran away before or after she graduated. Either way, she can't desert if she never joins.
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You sign a contract on entering military academies agreeing to service after graduation and are considered active members of the military while attending. So, yes.
How much the military chooses to pursue those who leave is a different question and I understand that they generally just let them go, but are well within their power to enforce service. Still, it was one of the major issues that killed the story for me. Even if her parents had the pull to keep Cloud Kicker from being pursued for it and kept her from getting a dishonourable discharge, any involvement with the military is off the table from then on.
Getting a command, even unofficially, among vets and cadets was laughable. As was use of resources meant for and frequented by the military, and most involvement with them.
Honestly, I had issue with her having a government job after that, though without an actual dishonourable, she might have gotten it.
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Except that's obvious not how West Hoof works, as per the main story. :|
Well this should be an interesting bit of AUing...
Beyond needing a good application of spit-polish to really make it shine, this looks to be a well-handled What-if.
An excellent start. Keep 'em coming
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Well, I would say that Cloud getting a job on the Ponyville weather team would've been a lot harder to pull off if Rainbow Dash wasn't running the show. I'm pretty sure her job interview consisted of Dash asking her if she wanted a job, and giving her one.
3765767 I just love how people tack on one these Elements as a character's only defining trait with no room for error.
Applejack has honesty issues when pride is on the line.
When Fluttershy goes assertive, she becomes an unlikeable jerk.
Rarity is known to be rather vain and uncaring at times.
Pinkie can fall into depressive states so OOC for her, they became the infamous "Pinkamena" meme.
Rainbow has does have a habit of looking out for herself at times.
Twilight started off as not caring about friendship.
Let's look at a few things:
Just because someone has a virtue doesn't mean they follow through with it 100% of the time.
As for Cloud, she lets her mistakes guide her future, and she takes her more important friendships very seriously. Is she perfect? No. But who is?
To summarize, a "good" character isn't on the north part of a moral compass, but rather east or west. (As long as it's not south.)
3765596 Loyalty is not about siding with one person. It is siding with who you think deserves more your support and you think it's doing the right thing.
Siding with somepony even when they've done something wrong is not loyalty, is obsession.
Woo, lots of comments!
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I have to say that I absolutely love the discussion on whether or not Cloud Kicker could be a suitable Bearer of Loyalty, more than I ever expected I would. Seeing people talking about and defending their viewpoints has been a very happy and enjoyable surprise.
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Thank you! I'll do my best not to disappoint!
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You're both absolutely right, it's not just as simple as finding all instances of Rainbow Dash in the story and just changing the name. More than just the different personalities of Cloud Kicker compared to Rainbow Dash, there's got to be ripple effects going into the future, and I think that's the most challenging part of this kind of story: Not just considering What Happened in Canon and in the Winningverse, and What's Happening in my story, but what those changes could mean for the future.
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Quoting Doctor Who? I approve!
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I'm very glad you're liking it so far! I've enjoyed the heck out of Life and Times and lots more in the Winningverse, so an opportunity to add a new spin on it is proving very awesome.
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Oh, I agree, she usually is! Except, you ever have a really busy day at work when you've got tons of work to do, and suddenly see one of your coworkers slacking off and hitting on a customer/random bystander/anyone? Yeaaaaah.
I do try to write Blossom a little more sedate and in character in the future chapters.
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I know where you both mean! The cover image was me at 6 AM thinking "I have to have cover art of something! I know, let's go with something SILLY!" when yes, the fic is actually serious and not a parody. That cover picture is gone now, and I definitely appreciate your feedback!
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Yeah, this being an AU fic that kind of is at a crossroads between the canon episode and the Winningverse, setting the stage for the immediate differences between my fic and the canon, then having interactions with Twilight Sparkle means that for the first chunk of the chapter, Cloud Kicker's sitting on a cloud doing nothing internal monologues, then suddenly lots of talking!... and, yeah I can see what you're saying on the pacing suffering a bit as a result.
If it helps, I think the second chapter does have better pacing, since it involves a more constant flow of conversation and moving from scene to scene.
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Thank you very much! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!
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Yes, the modern comma is my mortal enemy, it seems.
On the future chapters, I'm trying very hard to be more careful on wrangling commas, and that hopefully will show in future chapters!
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An interesting detail: recently in Life and Times of a Winning Pony, Cloud Kicker points out that she's in the reserves, and Derpy then points out that she doesn't do the normal reserve training or draw a paycheck and Cloud Kicker monologues that her father arranged that so she wouldn't be listed as a deserter. So yeah, she ran out of graduation and didn't join the Guard, and she's not officially a deserter, but the implication is that she would have been otherwise, at least how I understood it. But as Chengar pointed out: It's not like Rainbow Dash would care in the slightest.
But I'm glad a majority of people seem to be enjoying it so far! Chapter 2 is being looked at by my pre-readers, and I've started Chapter 3. There's a projected nine chapters in line, some longer than others.
Thank you all again for your feedback and comments!
3769749 Thank you. Anyhows, I said it to prove a point. You see, it always sort of bothers me that the first club out of the bag when discussing the merits and shortcomings of an alternate universe series is to rant about how X has to be where he or she is or else rocks fall, everyone dies because Y is not important enough to possibly be a hero. This implies something terrible: a belief that certain people ARE nobodies. As the Doctor tells us, he's never met anyone who isn't important........
3769707 No, that's not loyalty. Siding with who you think deserves your support in each instance is honesty, *maybe*, if you want to see it as a virtue.
Sticking with your friends or the people you otherwise claimed you were loyal to, even if you don't necessarily agree with what they're doing, or if you'll suffer for it, is loyalty.
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I'll say again that Cloud not being pursued and, so, avoiding a DD and managing to get a government job was the most likely part of that, but I'm sorry, it doesn't work like that.
It would be okay if Rainbow Dash was self-employed and the paycheck came out of private funds. If Rainbow were willing to put her career on the line, then paying her under the table as a temp job using a slush fund is fine. how, by your own worldbuilding and the type of worldbuilding you've used, Dash isn't running the show. She's the manager of a municipal branch of a government office, getting instructions from, and answerable and reporting to the local government and a central office. Both work for the government and are paid out of public coffers.
Just submitting her name for permanent payroll would require a background check. As you have built it, the Department Branch has the legal authority to conscript the entire able-bodied population of a town for a week at a time and issue, if not collect, fines for non-compliance to its citizens. These checks are not a modern, computerized thing, it's gone on for a very long time. It's just faster now.
She would have been flagged and RD told in no uncertain terms that Cloud will not be working for the Department, let alone reach an officially recognized managerial position within it. People who have earned themselves any form of punitive discharge can never be bonded, can never gain a security clearance and quite simply do not get jobs in the public sector.
Ergo, your story requires that she avoided any legal punishment to have that job, though that would make the already ugly situation with her military family even worse. And for that, I'm again sorry, but I really don't think you understand the animosity soldiers feel and show toward deserters, doubly for those who escaped without punishment, even among family.
Especially among family. Someone like Cloud would not be a black sheep; she's a walking black mark on the family and school, a cautionary tale told to cadets and a pariah. Asking to rejoin the guard would be met with a very definite no and righteous anger from those in the service. An unescorted civilian trying to use a mess, a regimental bar or, I believe you had a regimental brothel, would be told in no uncertain terms to leave. A deserter would bodily removed if he didn't leave immediately and be lucky to get out of it able to walk home.
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I'm sorry, but you have no idea how little much that matters, or how much worse that makes it when dealing with members of the service who know who you are. As I said, it is possible to get out of that without being pursued and with necessarily get a DD, but I assure you that every door with the military would be very resounding slammed shut for good and all.
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I will readily concede that you know a lot more than I do about how those things work out in the real world. However, Equestria works a bit differently; Forgiveness seems to be one of their major virtues; by real-world legal standards, half of the Mane 6 would probably be in jail for some of the things they've done during their occasional freak-outs. Given Equestrian standards, there's a lot more willingness to see her as a kid who made a huge mistake. If Discord and Luna can be forgiven...
That said, just getting out of the guard with a non-punitive discharge is going to take some sacrifices on her part. Being in the Elements of Harmony might force her to settle that particular account a lot sooner.
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Your Equestria, and particularly the family in question, has honour killings rather than let their family come to shame. There's also frequent mentions of centuries-old friction between families.
Luna and Discord both received what would be considered criminally cruel and unusual punishment for a period of and exceeding, respectively, a thousand years. Both of whom speak of being conscious during their imprisonment. Solitary confinement is considered a form of torture if it progresses past a few weeks.
Discord's punishment was an act of high treason committed against him by the sisters. He is, at best, currently serving indefinite parole. At worst, enslavement under threat of torture. His release was, explicitly, because he would be useful to Celestia. While now impossible and earlier unlikely due to Fluttershy's (and only Fluttershy's) refusal to go through with the punishment, any scenario was intended to be maintained under constant threat of immediate and permanent return to that imprisonment without hearing.
I have no idea how to class the issue with the Sun with Luna, but aside from some property damage to buildings she owned, as a ruler of equal status, Luna wouldn't have committed treason when she tried to kill Celestia. By in-show canon, it appeared to be in the second degree, in which case she served a sentence somewhere between about 70 - 200 times greater than is allowable in the modern day for that attempted murder, and she, again, spent it in solitary confinement.
On escaping, she may or may not have imprisoned her captor for a period of a few hours, committed what would amount to two counts of aggravated assault (arguably in self defense), one lesser count of assault, one count of cruelty to an animal, one count of what would likely be endangerment, put up scarecrows on her property and made a job offer that may or may not have been fraudulent. While inside her own home, she then tried to repel or kill an attacker who had broken in with intention of stealing a weapon with intent to use it on her.
On being defeated, and by admission being returned to sanity, she had not seriously harmed any private citizens and was granted a Royal pardon.
3770278 I (being the first in this story/these comments to, as you put it, "rant about how X has to be where he or she is or else rocks fall, everyone dies because Y is not important enough to possibly be a hero.") don't think that Cloud Kicker is a nobody, just that she's not a fit for the Element of Loyalty.
I'm not averse to alternate timelines in and of themselves, it's simply that this one (in my opinion/headcanon) has a quick and clear resolution that isn't the path the story takes. It's like saying 'what would have happened if Trixie had been there instead of Twilight?' Yes, Trixie has some talent with magic, but is she the Element of Magic? No. And before you say anything, yes, I am aware that there are several, if not many, AU stories that follow that exact plotline.
3773581 Okay, okay, we get it. The story is unrealistic. Can we please just move on and enjoy it regardless? (Not you obviously, but the rest of us would like to read this without worrying about injecting this much realism into a story about talking ponies.)
I am really liking how you are setting things up here because it feels perfectly in character for Cloud to latch onto Twilight with this setup given her personality and history. As such, I am very much looking forwards to seeing the story proper kick off next chapter and all the fun that will entail, although I was slightly disappointed that Cloud did not get to speak with Twilight here.
Also:
Re: author's notes...
In the original episode, Rainbow Dash cleared the skies in ten seconds. In this story, it sounds like it took all day. Also, since Cloud Kicker met Twilight already, she's attempting to take steps to ensure that her second impression gets better results than the first. Why be one of the background ponies yelling "surprise" when you can be fashionably late and make an entrance?
Do I detect a little common ground here? It would seem Twilight would have more to agree with Cloud Kicker than the others in the beginning, despite the obvious personality differences between them. True, Cloud Kicker as the Element of Loyalty would probably be a bit of a stretch, but then again, most of the good plots are (Cloud Kicker: "Ain't that the truth!")
Bow chika bow wow!
Well, great work! Keep it up! Can't wait for the next update!
"From what you've heard?" Knowing you, I wouldn't be surprised to hear you've had firsthoof experience back there.
can't wait
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Well, if this isn't to your taste, there's always Trinary's Rainbowverse. The guiding principle to that is while the Elements haven't changed Bearers, RD is Celestia's student instead of Twilight.....